BAD CANDY

Bad Candy Movie Review

A couple disc jockeys on radio station 66.6 tell spooky tales on Halloween, resulting in an anthology movie filled with stories that all intertwine at least somewhat--picture Trick 'r Treat, only not nearly as good. Before we move on, I know you may be wondering about that radio station--it's a horror movie, so it's all silly fun, but, of course, 66.6 cannot be an actual station--judging by scene featuring the drug dealer listening to it in an old Bonneville, we know it's a regular radio station, and it appears to actually be in the 105 territory. That said, the FCC would have a field day with this show. You probably know the DJs--one is Zach Galligan (Billy from Gremlins) and the other is Corey Taylor from the band Slipknot--picture Mr. Bungle, only knot nearly as good. 

Thank me later 

Back to the movie--there are more stories in this feature than I care to dive too deeply into (this is supposed to be QUICK horror movie reviews, after all), but I'll briefly touch on each. The whole thing starts off surprisingly well, with some really nice Halloween settings to get us in the mood, and a clown turning a brat of a kid into a toy. The clown will pop up throughout, ala Sam from the aforementioned Trick 'r Treat. 

Hi Jack

We then have a girl with the ability to bring her drawings to life--this may come in handy as she battles her drunken redneck stepdad who, if nothing else, has good taste in retro furniture. 

Look out, Ben

It's in this story we begin to see how bad the CGI is, and man, is it ever terrible. There's not much, if any, improvement throughout the rest of the movie, which is all the more disappointing in that the practical effects, when used, are actually okay. More disappointing is the movie as a whole kind of falls off the cliff after the first twenty minutes. There's an old feller putting razor blades in candy--he ends up with the razor blades in his own throat, kind of like in Night of the Demons (anybody else noticing a pattern here?). 

The shirt I'm wearing right now looks just like this one...seriously

From there, we see a drug dealer at a Halloween party--the dude reminds me of a million guys I knew back in my Ohio days--I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but that doesn't matter--he ends up in the Bonneville and eventually in a bathroom, where he is stalked and finally meets his demise in a scene similar to one from Scream 2. 

Never press your ear against the stall!

A woman leaves the party to go to work in the morgue and starts to seduce a dead guy. When he appears to come back to life, she flips out, looks like she's on an acid trip, and sees cadavers turn into zombies. Some guy attacks some woman at her house and chases her to a playground, where there's a battle to the death. A rideshare driver and his buddies kidnap some people with questionable morals, tie them up, put large pumpkins on their heads, and set them loose to be stalked by their friend. 

LENNY!

The woman in the morgue installment is dull and ramped up only slightly when the corpse appears to come to life. The cat and mouse between the man and woman offers nothing of any real interest. The story with pumpkinheaded people is painfully bad, especially in its brutally horrible attempts at humor; Lenny, however, looks so fantastic it almost makes up for the time it takes to get to him. The movie ends with a story of a house burning down, and ties directly to the gents at the radio station. The final little twist is surprisingly satisfying, if not a bit predictable. 

Here's a hint

Bad Candy is one of those movies that has loads of potential, but comes up short in practically every way it can. To even the casual viewer, the most obvious shortcoming will be in the special effects category. The CGI looks like some of the worst stuff to come from SyFy Originals--maybe even worse. I get that there are people who are into this, and, if given the right type of movie, I am too--this isn't that type of movie. They also tried to do way too much. Perhaps had they picked three of the more interesting stories and expanded on them instead of stretching about a half dozen uninspired yarns out to around 103 minutes, a better movie would have resulted. This brings us to the third major issue--lack of originality. I pointed out a few examples, but believe me when I tell you, there are many more instances of thievery going on here. The acting leaves a lot to be desired as well, though Taylor's performance as Chilly Billy was better than I expected. Bad Candy does have a couple bright spots, but it's safe to say it will never become a Halloween tradition in my household.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Bad Candy Movie Trailer

THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

 

The Return of the Living Dead Movie Review

Frank (James Karen, Poltergeist) and Freddy (Thom Mathews, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives), two guys working in a warehouse that stores medical supplies, accidentally release a toxic gas. This makes it to a nearby cemetery, causing the dead to rise. First off, you have to love the premise--1980's horror movies sure did put the scare of toxic waste and gases in the minds of viewers! This one, from 1985, brings the idea to the screen with a wonderful blend of horror and comedy. In a stroke of really bad luck, a group of punks happen to be hanging out in the cemetery when the dead rise, and you'll likely recognize at least a few of them. John Philbin of Children of the Corn is there. Mark Venturini and Miguel A. Nunez Jr from Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning are members of the gang. Finally, horror legend Linnea Quigley appears for arguably her most recognizable role. 

Suicide's Squad

The familiar faces don't end there, as Clu Gulager (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2) shows up as would-be hero Burt, and Don Calfa, who turned in a hysterical performance as Paulie in Weekend at Bernie's a couple years later, plays Ernie, a possible Nazi running the nearby mortuary. I mention all these people not only to do some name dropping, but also because they are all wonderful in this film. Their performances, whether intentional or not, are hilarious--Karen especially steals the shows with his manic performance, and for as unimpressive as Mathews was in Jason Lives, he more than makes up for that as Freddy. Equally as impressive is the work with the zombies, particularly that of everybody's favorite, Tarman.

And all my friends are skeletons

The horror/comedy hybrid idea wasn't entirely new when this movie was released, and, of course, that genre has only grown since, but unlike most of the films that have come out since, The Return of the Living Dead is actually funny. The movie knocks it out of the park when it comes to both the laughs and scares, and rightfully deserves its place as one of the elite comedy horrors of all time. This movie did, however, bring a few big, new elements to the zombie genre--it is credited as being the first zombie flick to have fast-moving zombie, talking zombies, and it introduced the idea of the zombies seeking out brains specifically--and, as I did several times in that sentence, it breaks the mold by actually using the word "zombie". I'm not a huge fan of the ending, but there's not much else to complain about with The Return of the Living Dead. In the off chance you have never seen this movie, do yourself a favor and check it out. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 8

The Return of the Living Dead Movie Trailer

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE

Zombie Nightmare Movie Review

Tony (Jon Mikl Thor), a guy who looks like he should be challenging Ric Flair for the NWA World Title, dies after being struck by a car. Distraught, his mother contacts a voodoo priestess to bring her boy back. Now looking more like somebody The Sandman would cane, Tony returns from the dead to seek revenge on the teens responsible for his death. This 1987 film starts off hot, with Motörhead's "Ace of Spades" playing with the opening credits. Unfortunately, it's all down hill from there. Everything in this movie is just so slow, from the killer in his pursuit of the teens to actual slow motion shots, something I cannot stand in horror movies. Surprisingly, there are some recognizable names here. Adam West of "Batman" fame stars as a police captain. Shawn Levy, who plays lead bad guy Jim, would go on to direct Night at the Museum and become producer of a little show called Stranger Things. Finally, in her film debut, we have pre-Wayne's World Tia Carrere.

"She's a babe!"

As we know, just because a movie has a few people we recognize, it doesn't mean the acting will be good, and in this flick, it's far from it--in fact, the performances are horrendous from top to bottom. The action isn't much better--the kills are especially lame, but if you've ever wanted to see somebody impaled with a baseball bat, it does offer that. When our friend Tony is hit by the car, it's in slow motion, and seeing the body change places after is hilarious. The voodoo priestess will remind you of many similar characters straight out of a 1950's film--this is not a compliment. At one point, we see somebody reading Fangoria magazine--on the cover is Maximum Overdrive, a movie that looks like a Hitchcockian masterpiece compared to Zombie Nightmare. If you're a fan of 1980's heavy metal music, you may enjoy the soundtrack--while not a fan of the music myself, it did fit this movie quite well--this is also not a compliment. They throw in a little twist at the end, but you'll see it coming a mile away. Zombie Nightmare is not a good movie--it was once featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000", and rightfully so; still, there's just enough charm and unintentional hilarity to keep you sticking around until the end, which is so bad it's awesome. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Zombie Nightmare Movie Trailer

V/H/S/94

V/H/S/94 Movie Review

Remember the days of VHS? The filmmakers here sure do (or at least pretend to), and they are bringing them back in a most 1990's way. Yes, this is the fourth movie in a series that previously brought us V/H/S, V/H/S/2. and V/H/S: Viral. 

"I like them"

We begin with "Holy Hell", which serves as the wraparound story. A SWAT team raids a warehouse, where they discover dead bodies, evidence of ritualistic sacrifices, and other signs of degenerative behavior from a cult group. This is all loud, with tons of audio effects and screaming people, guns, and so on. This part is not written particularly well--in fact, the dialogue is abysmal, and the story is only mildly interesting, leading to a plot twist that is obvious. 

They look suspicious

The first full story we get is "Storm Drain". A news reporter (Anna Hopkins) and camera operator (Christian Potenza) go on location to a storm drain to report on the local legend of a half man, half rat that hangs out in the sewers of Westerville, Ohio, a suburb of my hometown, Columbus. Much like the opening, this one is not written well, with dull dialogue. The reporter interviews a few people, including a guy with an assault rifle who likely wouldn't be allowed within the city limits of Westerville in real life. Another person interviewed is a minister, and he makes a return later in a big way. This one, like every segment in this anthology, borrows heavily from many other films--the ritualistic stuff is fair, but the reveal of the mutant monster is impressive, with a cool creature feature throwback feel. The practical effects, especially with the closing moments, are satisfying as well. The closing also mentions a pumpkin festival of some sort, reminding me of Circleville, Ohio--references to places I grew up only add to my enjoyment of this segment. 

I could see this coming out of Circleville

Next up is "The Empty Wake". A dead man's family requests his wake be recorded all night, and poor Hayley (Kyal Legend) is assigned the job of staying with the body. We find the man had committed suicide, and was so badly mangled the casket is closed. There's not much turn out, and Hayley spends almost the entire time alone--until, of course, the dead man comes to life. This segment does a nice job with a slow burn type approach--not a lot is happening, but with every small step, the tension, and Hayley's fear, builds. What we see when the man emerges from the casket is nothing short of frightening, and the closing minutes of this segment are fantastic. 

If this casket's a-rockin'

In "The Subject", Dr. James Suhendra is experimenting with machine-human hybrids. He is a wanted man, and the police soon track him down, killing him somewhat in cold blood. The police force then find themselves trapped in the building, and doing battle with Suhendra's subjects. Grey area is created when one of the police officers tries to help one of the hybrid monsters, who herself realizes what she has been turn into. Both the best and worst of this segment come visually. The hybrids, especially the one we get the camera point of view from, look stunning. Unfortunately, a decent story gives way to gunfire, gunfire, and more gunfire. Worst of all, once the action really gets going, it looks like we're watching somebody play a first-person shooter video game. I've enjoyed playing those games a time or two in my day (I can't tell you how many quarters I put into the "House of the Dead" arcade back in the day), but watching somebody else play them--especially when what I am trying to watch is a movie--is not my cup of tea. 

Reload!

The final segment is "Terror". In some attempt to make America great again, a wacko militia redneck group that looks like they may be from the aforementioned Circleville plans on bombing a government building in Detroit. Strapped with guns and a combined IQ that would struggle to reach triple digits, the men document their grand plan. Their weapon? The blood of a vampire they have captured. How to use said weapon? Inject the blood into animals and allow sunlight to hit them, blowing them, and everything around them, to bits. The idea is cool, and when the idiots inevitably face off with the vampire, we find the creature looks quite unique and terrifying. Visually, this one has what we expect as well, as it legitimately looks like somebody's home recording from the early 1990's. The beginning of "Terror" is rough, but my goodness, does it ever turn out to be more entertaining than it had any business being. 

If this doesn't say Circleville...

If you gave up on this franchise after Viral, you may want to come back to the series. This one is a Shudder exclusive, and at the time of its release, it was the most successful movie premiere for the streaming service. While not quite as good as the first V/H/S/, it is a step up from the second outing, and much better than Viral. I wish the wraparound story was better, and that "The Subject" would not have gone all "Doom" on us, but "Storm Drain" and "The Wake" are decent, and "Terror" is borderline must-see. The fifth installment, titled V/H/S/99, has been announced, with a release date of October 20, 2022--V/H/S/94 has made me somewhat excited to see this. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

V/H/S/94 Movie Trailer

CEMETERY OF TERROR (Cementerio Del Terror)

Cemetery of Terror Movie Review

A group of bored teens at a party decide to liven things up by stealing the corpse of a serial killer and performing a ritual to bring him back to life--what a great idea! Meanwhile, a gang of younger kids out trick or treating find themselves in the same cemetery that housed the ritual. Finally, on his way to save the day (eventually), is Dr. Cardan, played by the legendary Hugo Stiglitz. 

The face of a hero?

This 1985 Mexican film has a painfully slow start--we get a lot of introduction of the characters, build up of the party, and little else--and this goes on for about 50 minutes. Stick with it though--once the teens get bored of the party and kidnap the cadaver, this one takes off. When the reanimated corpse makes it to the party, the kills come fast and often--so often, in fact, you will begin to wonder what the rest of the movie will consist of. The answer, of course, is switching to the children, but what you may not expect is that at that moment, this slasher film all but transforms into a zombie movie! Yes, the killer himself was technically a zombie, but here, I'm talking about corpses rising from their graves to pursue the kids. Some of the visuals are quite entertaining--the zombies look like they came from Michael Jackson's Thriller video, the lights coming from the graves remind one of a haunted house attraction, and the set looks like it came from an Ed Wood film.

"Dang, I left my lava lamp on"

Take the above elements and throw in some slick practical effects and you have the makings of a really fun flick. The ending will have you rolling your eyes, but there is a bit of cheesiness with it that may also make you smile. Had the first 50 minutes or so been more interesting, this could have been a classic--as it is, Cemetery of Terror stands as evidence that patience sometimes pays off nicely. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Cemetery of Terror Movie Trailer

FERAL

Feral Movie Review

A group of friends lost in the woods are stalked by a virus-infected, zombie-mutant-creature thing. When the friends come across a loner (Lew Temple of The Devil's Rejects), they learn the creature is a person with the feral disease, a contagious condition that turns the victim into a killing machine. Should they believe the words of this stranger, or is he really the one behind all the evil? I sighed a bit as the movie started and I saw...

this

My expectations were low from the start, but the opening scene did manage to catch my attention. It went away a bit as we met the characters, and there wasn't much to like about any of them. Once I caught a glimpse of the zombie, however, my interest returned. At first, we don't get a good look at the monster, as it runs quickly and creepily through the woods.

He's no Bigfoot

Naturally, the feral beast eventually catches up with the others, creating more creatures. The makeup job on these beings is really well done for what was certainly a limited budget. The creature is somewhat undefined--it is a zombie for certain, but beyond that, one could easily compare it to a werewolf and vampire. You will likely either love this mix or hate that they never fully dedicated to one idea. I personally would tend to fall into the latter, but in this movie, I did kind of dig the hybrid approach; that said, this is unquestionably a zombie movie. The acting is rough, but you will recognize a couple other faces, as Scout Taylor-Compton of Rob Zombie's take on Halloween plays the lead (and is much more likable in this film than she was as Laurie Strode), and Olivia Luccardi of the highly overrated It Follows plays her girlfriend. There is a good bit of carnage in the movie, so the gorehounds will like that, if nothing else. Unfortunately, the story itself kind of hits a dead end long before the movie does. The final act plods along until we get a rather predictable ending that we have seen many times before. Even with this, Feral was much more entertaining than I expected it to be. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Feral Movie Trailer

THE LIVING DEAD GIRL (La Morte Vivante)

The Living Dead Girl Movie Review

After being brought back to life as the result of a toxic waste spill (the 1980's were all about toxic waste disasters), Catherine Valmont (Francoise Blanchard) must drink blood to remain alive. She eventually meets up with Helene (Marina Pierro), a friend Catherine had made a blood pact with when they were children. How will Helene react once she sees her old friend somewhat come back to life, and how far will she go to maintain this friendship? That's what we have going on in this 1982 French horror film. 

Catherine

Not Catherine

This movie takes a compelling approach, as Catherine seems equal parts vampire and zombie, making it hard to classify the film under either genre. Another interesting take is with how Catherine uses her long fingernails to kill her victims, resulting in quite a bit of bloodshed, all brought to us via the practical approach--this is really hit or miss here. There is also no shortage of nudity in this movie, so take that for whatever it's worth to you. Unfortunately, the movie also has an angle involving a couple Americans, and honestly, every time they were on the screen, my interest level plummeted.  The characters add an odd bit of goofiness to a movie that is better off without it, and it makes the film drag--a sad statement considering the run time is under 90 minutes. Outside of this, however, the story is solid, as we get a rather unique look at the titular character--the more she drinks, the more Catherine realizes who or what she is, and the more she believes she must be stopped. This all leads to a final scene that is so graphic it is actually a bit hard to watch. While not a great movie, if you are looking for an French bloodbath, The Living Dead Girl is worth checking out.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Living Dead Girl Movie Trailer

BREAKDOWN LANE

Breakdown Lane Movie Review

Kirby (Whitney Moore of Birdemic fame) breaks down in the middle of nowhere. While waiting for a tow truck, a zombie outbreak takes place, and now it's a fight for survival! That sounds fairly interesting, but wow, is any hope for this movie ever taken away almost immediately! Kirby is instantly unlikable, and she does nothing along the way to change this. She is rescued momentarily by a group of rednecks, but, you know, being rednecks and all, it's not long before they start talking about how they have to breed to keep the species alive, and how they must feed on the dead in order to survive--keep in mind, the outbreak started earlier the same day. They inevitably try to rape Kirby, who fights them all off, killing all but the leader (wonder if she'll run into him later?). She does have one pal during this journey. His name's Max, and he is the customer service rep she initially called for tow truck help/verbally assaulted--she'll find him later, too. Kirby has a drug addict boyfriend back home, and when we finally see Max, he looks a lot like her current dude. There are religious nuts. We have bland dialogue. He get scene after scene lifted from previous movies and television shows with zombies. Kirby eventually goes all Rambo, with automatic weapons, a headband, blah blah blah. 

"Don't forget my tire iron!"

The acting is atrocious. The lighting is awful. The CGI is poor, and at times (especially near the end) it looks like we're watching a video game. Instead of traditional transition shots, we get what appears to be comic strips of the action, and sadly, this very unoriginal idea is the best part of the film. We get to the end and, still not made to care the least bit for the lead character, we are left disappointed that Kirby wasn't slowly killed by the zombies. There are not many movies I have watched and found absolutely no enjoyment or entertainment in--if not for the comic strips, Breakdown Lane would be one of them. This movie is just horrendous, and not in a fun, Birdemic way. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 2

Breakdown Lane Movie Trailer

QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL

Quarantine 2: Terminal Movie Review

Passengers on an airplane fight for survival when one of them contracts a deadly virus, turns into a zombie, and starts getting bitey. This is the followup to the far superior 2008 film Quarantine, itself a remake of the 2007 flick [REC]--that movie also produced sequels, so let's untangle this web before continuing. Quarantine 2 has no connection whatsoever to the the sequels of the Spanish [REC] franchise, and, timeline speaking, is happening at roughly the same time as Quarantine. Early in the movie we see one passenger watching live news coverage of what is happening at the apartment building from Quarantine, and we also get answers to questions nobody asked regarding the virus.  

"You see, it started with..."

Before I get back to the movie, let me address how I watched this one. In case you haven't heard of it, there's this streaming service called Crackle, offered to us, at least in part, by Sony. Let me preface this by saying I remember the days of watching television without the option to fast forward through commercials. I never really complained; rather, I saw these as chances to go refill my water or whatever. VHS and DVD came along, making it easier for the viewer to decide when to take these breaks by simply pausing the movie. Streaming eventually came along, and you could either pay a fee for no commercials, or catch the free services and sit through the occasional commercial...and I was still cool with all of this. These days, I do most of my horror watching on Tubi--it's free, has an awesome selection of movies, and, over the course of a 90 minute film, you might have 3 breaks, each lasting about 2 minutes. I expected something similar from Crackle--loyal reader, know I am not exaggerating when I tell you that while watching this movie on Crackle, the longest I went without a commercial was eight minutes, each break was at least three or four minutes long, and more than once, I got a commercial break within 2 minutes of the previous one. This movie has a run time of 86 minutes--it took over two and a half hours to watch it on Crackle.

"If I see that Geico commercial ONE MORE TIME!"

Back to the movie. We get to know the passengers as they take their seats, and each is more annoying than the one before, reminding me that the people around me is always what I hate most about flying. The plane lands soon after takeoff, and as the title indicates, most of the film takes place at an airport terminal. The characters get no more likable as the movie progresses, and the actors portraying them do nothing to make this any better. The movie leaves a lot to be desired visually, especially when we get the thermal vision shots--if they remind you of a low-rate video game, you're not alone. The optical torture does not stop there, however, as poor use of green screens is repeated several times, especially in the final scene. Don't even get me started on the CGI. We never really expect much out of sequels, but this movie isn't even in the same ballpark as its predecessor. There's just enough blood and guts to get you through this film, but should you decide to check it out, skip doing so on Crackle--spending 86 minutes of your life watching this movie is wasteful enough--spending 150 minutes doing so is borderline criminal. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Quarantine 2: Terminal Movie Trailer

WALK OF THE DEAD (aka Vengeance of the Zombies, aka La rebelión de las muertas, aka...)

Walk of the Dead (Vengeance of the Zombies) Movie Review

A brainwashing weirdo (Spanish b-horror legend Paul Naschy) brings back recently murdered women to form an army of zombies.

Here are a few now

 Fun fact right out of the gate: the female lead is played by a woman named Romy...no last name. Just Romy. Here's another fun fact: this 1973 film was released under at least 17 different titles. It was originally released in its native Spain as La rebelión de las muertas. Here in the States, its premiere title was Vengeance of the Female Zombies, it was dubbed as Vengeance of the Zombies, and was reissued as Walk of the Dead (the title it carried when I caught it on Tubi). I can't speak for any other version, but the presentation of the one on Tubi is wonderful--with all the skips, pops, buzzes, and scratches, you can almost get the feel you are in a 1970's drive in theater or grindhouse and can practically hear the projector running. As one may expect, this movie is filled with weird stuff. There's zombies, voodoo, sacrifices, and a bizarre dream sequence that features Satan himself (also Paul Naschy)

There's too much going on here

Honestly, it's kind of hard to keep up with this movie because 1) the dubbing is suspicious and 2) the lack of direction is staggering. The dialogue is mind-numbing, so honestly, if you decide to search this movie out, just forget the story entirely and enjoy the presentation. Aside from the film's about to fly off the projector presentation, there's still more to love about the visuals here--the movie is bloody, and this is pulled off brilliantly. You'll know when this is coming too, and this is one of my favorite things about this movie--before anything gory happens, there is a horn sound and a graphic that reads "Shock Notice", but most of the time you can't see all the letters. This will flash and sound for a few seconds before going away, and the movie picking back up right where it left off. 

I can't make this stuff up

The visual awesomeness doesn't stop there, however. Believe it or not, there are some scenes that are absolutely terrifying and may have you turning the lights on. There is some unintentional hilarity as well, as technically speaking, the movie does have its shortcomings--the woman rolling over on the bed and practically taking out the camera was fantastic. Most unfortunate is that for a movie that is so out there, the end is as dull as possible, leaving the viewer frustrated and disappointed. That aside, this was a really fun, odd movie. If you're looking for something out of the ordinary to watch in the middle of the night or around Halloween, give this one a shot. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Walk of the Dead (Vengeance of the Zombies) Movie Trailer

OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES

Oasis of the Zombies Movie Review

A group of treasure hunters come across a bunch of Nazi Zombies who are cursed to protect Nazi gold for eternity...or something. This 1982 French movie may remind some of a 1981 French film called Zombie Lake, and there are good reasons for this--aside from both revolving around Nazi zombies and being French, the films shared many of the same crew members, both were brought to us by Eurociné, a company infamous for their movies of questionable merits. Both have zombies that look like they were crafted by middle school children, and "legendary" director Jess Franco was connected to both--he declined the 1981 to direct this one, and was apparently so ashamed of this movie he used an alias for it (A.M. Frank). To put this info perspective, Franco was primarily known for directing "horror" films that were little more than sexploitation flicks before finally just switching to porn films, and then coming back to the horror genre with this "gem" and similar others. If you are familiar with Franco, and you're expecting Lina Romay to be in this movie, I'm sorry to disappoint. 

But here's a picture of her to make up for it

There is a huge difference between these French films--while both are technical disasters, Zombie Lake is at least somewhat entertaining--Oasis of the Zombies is an absolute bore. It starts off well enough, with two women coming across the zombies. From there, it falls apart. There's lots of gun fights. Then more gun fights. This is followed up with more gun fights. There's lot of nonsensical dialogue. An occasional zombie or naked chick is thrown in to try to keep your attention. Then more gun fights and talking about nothing important. The zombies are a strange bunch--aside from being Nazis, they are also apparently scared of the sun (part vampire?). The final scene is likely the best part of the film, and manages to build tension for just a few seconds before the zombies...vanish? With so many good zombie movies out there, and even ones that are not as much good as they are watchable, there is no reason to spend time with Oasis of the Zombies. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Oasis of the Zombies Movie Trailer

#ALIVE

#Alive Movie Review

Oh Joon-woo (Yoo Ah-in) is trapped in his apartment as a deadly virus spreads outside, turning mild-mannered folks into zombies. With no family, minimal contact with the outside world, and little food and water, Oh Joon-woo must figure out how to survive. This 2020 South Korean film mixes plenty of drama with the horror, but it does have the pedal to the metal pretty much right from the start. If you are a fan of zombie movies, you will easily recognize elements of different films from the genre in this one--from Shaun of the Dead to Dawn of the Dead to 28 Days Later to World War Z, it seems writer and director Il Cho took some of the best parts of these films, threw them into a pot, stirred them all up, dumped them out, and #Alive was the result...and the result was actually pretty good! Ah-in makes for a likable lead, and the inevitable woman he comes across (Shin-Hye Park, and don't look at me like that for having a spoiler. We know it's only a matter of time before he comes across a woman/potential love interest) is equally impressive. Then we have the zombies...

Stand down. I'll be nice.

The zombies look cool--they're not as gory as some we have seen in other films, but their look and especially movements make them frightening. Speaking of gore, it is surprisingly minimal here. Instead of seeing intestines thrown about, we are presented with an approach that leaves much of the horror to the viewer's imagination, and while this can be a bore in some movies, the approach absolutely works in this one. If you allow yourself to be wrapped up in this film, you will find some moments to be genuinely scary. Unfortunately, some of the directing and editing decisions will take you right out of the movie. The shots when there is a camera strapped to the actor are brutally bad, there are too many jump cuts, and, worst of all, we get slow motion during a very tense scene. The closing moments deflate the balloon somewhat--you know what is about to happen, but you wonder if it will be a nod to 28 Weeks Later or Back to the Future Part II (I won't spoil this part). Even with these shortcomings, #Alive is a very good zombie movie, and certainly one I recommend checking out. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

#Alive Movie Trailer

ORGY OF THE DEAD

Orgy of the Dead Movie Review

A couple (Pat Barrington, in her final film role, and William Bates) find themselves in a graveyard where, one by one, several topless undead chicks dance for The Amazing Criswell and a dollar store Vampira (Fawn Silver). Bargain bin Wolf Man and The Mummy capture the couple and punish them by tying them up and making them watch the rest of the dancing. That’s it—that’s the entire story in this nudie cutie flick, but man, is there ever really so much more to it! The “story”, as it were, was written by Ed Wood of Plan 9 from Outer Space infamy—this alone makes it worth checking out! The dialogue is obscenely awful, but tragically limited, as at least 90 percent of the movie is the women dancing to largely dreadful music with occasional reaction shots from Criswell, Silver, the couple, and the moronic Wolf Man and Mummy, who are here for comic relief—naturally, their funniest moments are very unintentional. Sadly, Wood didn’t direct this gem—that job fell on Stephen C. Apostolof, who certainly made Wood proud with the cheap set, questionable shots, and especially the driving sequence, which switches from day to night frequently. The acting is...well, there’s not a lot of it, but Criswell is probably the best of the bunch, which speaks volumes to the ineptness of the rest.

"I predict he's about to make fun of you more"

Bates is so bad he’s outstanding, and Silver is just bad. Barrington pulls double duty, also appearing as one of the dancers (see if you can pick her out). Speaking of the dancers, they may be the most interesting element to this movie, and no, it’s not for the reasons you’re thinking. Each dancer has their own individual story, which is what their costume and dance are based on, so that is actually fairly cool. Let’s be honest—speaking strictly on a technical level, Orgy of the Dead is a horrendous movie; however, if you are into movies that are so bad they're good, you will love this one. I had a blast watching it, and really, isn’t that why we watch movies in the first place?

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Orgy of the Dead Movie Trailer (Warning: This does contain nudity)

THE BEYOND

The Beyond Movie Review

Liza Merrill (Catriona MacColl) inherits an old hotel in Louisiana. She plans to restore and reopen it, but what she doesn’t realize is the building was constructed over a gate to Hell. Italian horror legend Lucio Fulci brings us this movie, which was shot in 1981, released in 1983, and re-released uncut for the first time in the United States in 1998 by Grindhouse Releasing, Cowboy Booking International, and Quentin Tarantino's Rolling Thunder Pictures. As is the case with most of Fulci's films, this one is heavy on atmosphere and visual effects, while a bit lighter on a story that approaches comprehension. If you know this about Fulci, you accept it and enjoy what you came for, and if you are into old-school horror special effects, you will love this one.

They grab you by the throat

The gore and bloodshed are extreme in this one, from exploding heads to torn out eyeballs to a scene of several spiders eating a man's face, and the practical approach to these scenes is breathtaking--horror filmmakers of the 21st Century, put your computer down and study the techniques used in this movie...please. The acting is a bit sub-par, but there is nothing so bad it will take you out of the movie. If you try to follow any semblance of a plot, forget it. While there is a line between all the characters that creates a story, this is very loose, and as is the case with Fulci's movies, this one feels more like a dream, where things kind of make sense and follow a pattern, but not really. No matter--The Beyond combines wonderful special effects, tons of gore, and more than it's fair share of surprises, all adding up to a horror flick that is worth checking out. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

The Beyond Movie Trailer

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3D

Night of the Living Dead 3D Movie Review

When the dead come back to life, a group of people find themselves held up in a country house as they try to survive. This is another remake of sorts of the George A Romero classic, but if you are thinking “Hey, another awesome remake, like the 1990 one”, you are oh so wrong. Not that this is a terrible movie--it's just very different. Before I get into what I mean by that, I'll start off with what will likely catch your attention when you see the cover of the movie--the legend himself, Sid Haig (House of 1,000 Corpses), does indeed star in this movie, and his performance is every bit as wonderful as you would expect.

"Thanks Josh!"

The rest of the performances are what you would expect from a movie that likely saw a majority of its budget go into the 3D presentation--I'll say nothing about that, as I didn't see the movie in that format, but in 2D, it is painfully obvious a lot of what we see was done just for the 3D effect. The film lacks any real direction, as it seemingly can't figure out where to go. We start off with a shot of the original Night of the Living Dead being shown on a television, then move to a road that looks similar to the one in the original film--much like in the Romero classic, we see siblings heading to a cemetery, so we think this will indeed be like the 1990 movie--a direct remake. When we see what unfolds in the cemetery, it becomes clear that is not the case. For the remainder of the film, we see some scenes that are similar to those in the original film, some characters with the same names and other references to the 1968 movie--we also see the people in the house watching Night of the Living Dead on television--one guy, who is already dead, by the way, points out the similarities of the movie and what is happening in real life...yes, it's a mess. The zombies look horrible, but there is something about the makeup that will make you smile. There's a bit of gore and Haig there to help you make it through this movie, but not a whole lot more. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Night of the Living Dead 3D Movie Trailer

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (Zombieland 2)

Zombieland: Double Tap Movie Review

Set (and released) ten years after the original film, we find Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson, Natural Born Killers), Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg, Now You See Me), and Wichita (Emma Stone, La La Land) searching for Little Rock (Abigail Breslin, Maggie) after she runs off with a hippie pacifist (Avan Jogia).In the years since the original Zombieland, the four have taken up residency in the White House, and the zombies have evolved--there are now Hawkings (smart zombies, named for Stephen Hawking), Ninjas (ones who sneak up on you), Homers (the ones so dumb they pose little threat and named in honor of Homer Simpson), and, as they find out later, T-800's, zombies that are practically indestructible and named in honor of The Terminator.

"A zombie that is hard to kill? Interesting..."

Much like the first movie, this one is filled with a nice combination of gore and laughs. Harrelson and Eisenberg are as wonderful as they were in the first movie, and Stone steps it up a bit more, bringing much more personality to her character this time around. Breslin is not in the movie as much as you would think she would be, and she is sort of replaced for much of the film by Madison (Zoey Deutch), a girl who Columbus gets with while Wichita briefly runs off--she tags along when Wichita returns. Deutch does a good job here, but my goodness, the character is so irritating you cheer for the zombies to kill her. The film features a particularly interesting gag no doubt lifted from Shaun of the Dead--Tallahassee and Columbus meet up with their doppelgangers, Albuquerque (Luke Wilson, Vacancy) and Flagstaff (Thomas Middleditch, Godzilla: King of the Monsters) respectively. Middleditch is especially good in this role, as he is almost a carbon copy of Eisenberg. Less impressive is Rosario Dawson as as Nevada, Tallahassee's would-be love interest. I am not a fan of Dawson to begin with, and her performance here did nothing to change my opinion of her. When we get to the final confrontation at the end, there is a lot of hit or miss with many of the characters we meet, but overall, this movie provides pretty much what we expected--a lot of laughs, a lot of blood, and an ending that wraps up everything nicely. Look for small references, wonder why Tallahassee has apparently overcome his Twinkie obsession, and hang tight for the credits to see a bit of a prequel to the first movie. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Zombieland: Double Tap Movie Trailer