Because nobody likes spending an hour reading a movie review, I bring you Quick Horror Movie Reviews, a site offering to the point reviews of horror films from a guy who has seen thousands of them. From the classics to the hidden gems, the slashers to the creatures, the multi-million dollar blockbusters to the direct to video awfulness, it's all here! Read, enjoy, and for the best experience, go old school and view the desktop version!
Zombies from a horror film come through a cursed television and begin killing people in the real world. That's what we have going on in this 1987 low budget film, and if you are picturing the iconic scene of Samara coming into the world via tele, scale back those expectations.
Bring it to this level
The opening scene of this movie is brutally bad, so the temptation to turn it off might be there, but if you fight through it, you may find some stuff to enjoy. The zombies, while no groundbreaking creations, actually do look quite impressive considering the limited budget.
I'll take this over CGI every day
The acting is really bad, but, for the most part, in an enjoyable way--Rocky Duvall as Jeff is particularly awful. His high pitched, whiny voice may have you reaching for the mute button, and his delivery of his lines will have you laughing, but the character, and the actor, sure grows on you as the movie progresses.
"Thanks Josh!"
What truly holds the movie back is the pacing, as it seems to go nowhere for a long time. There are a couple gory scenes, but they are spread out quite a bit, so don't expect it around every corner. The final twenty minutes do bring some rather unexpected moments, and the little twist at the end is one of the more unique ones in the genre. I sighed when I started watching this film, and while not a great movie by any stretch, The Video Dead delivered a much more enjoyable viewing experience than I expected.
A group of youngsters are sent to a camp in the middle of nowhere to break their addiction to...technology. The large group is split up into smaller groups to go on hikes, and we follow one such group, consisting of a quiet loner girl (Julia Wieniawa-Narkiewicz), a nerdy boy (Michal Lupa), a promiscuous blonde (Wiktoria Gasiewska), a jock (Sebastian Dela), and a gay fella (Stanisław Cywka), all led by their adult counselor (Gabriela Muskała).
Our heroes
Once in the woods, the group comes across cannibal monsters, and the fight for survival is on! The names of the actors probably gave this away already, but in case you're wondering, this film comes to us from Poland, and was hyped as "the first Polish slasher movie". If you watch this on Netflix, you will notice one thing very early on--the film is dubbed, and done so very poorly. Having seen many movies presented this way, I was okay with this, but my girlfriend was having none of it. If your tolerance for bad dubbing is on the level of Sani's, you will be happy to know there is the option to switch to the original audio and subtitles in your own language. Once this change was made, we continued watching, noticing a good bit bit of comedy early on--while this element never completely went away, it did slowly give way to a more traditional horror approach. If you are a fan of horror (and since you are reading this right now, I assume you are), you will recognize a lot of what is happening in this film, as it has many scenes that are not so subtle nods to movies that came before it--Friday the 13th Part VII, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Wrong Turn are just a few. As for the monsters, they look like some sort of deformed trolls, but their story is actually quite tragic, and they look really cool.
His appetite is out of this world
Something the movie pulled off well is making the viewer care about some of the characters--my girlfriend was near tears at one point. Gorehounds will delight in this flick as well, as the blood flies throughout, and the death scenes are executed nicely. Be sure to pay attention to the music, as it is one of the best scores I've heard in a while. Throw in some surprises, and there's a lot to like about this outing. Unfortunately, the end leaves a bit to be desired (but also leaves the door open for a sequel), and the lead in to it is rather weak. I know a lot of people are not taking kindly to this movie because of its heavy borrowing of other films--again, I see this as more a tip of the cap to them than thievery. While there is not a ton of originality in Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight, it is a fun horror film, and one of the better ones you'll find on Netflix right now.
A group of employees at Fright Land decide to throw a party after the amusement park closes its doors for the final time. Unfortunately for them, the party is crashed by a couple masked maniacs out for blood. This low budget indie flick, funded at least partially by Kickstarter donations, immediately gains points from me simply due to its setting--if you have read some of my previous reviews, you know I am a sucker for anything set at a carnival or amusement park. The scenes at the park were shot at the real-life Conneaut Lake Park in Conneaut Lake, Pennsylvania, and in case you're wondering, that's in the upper Northwest corner of the state.
Writer/director Cary Hill stated he was inspired to make this movie after going to an amusement park and thinking it would be a good location for a 1980's throwback type horror film--I can't disagree with that idea, but do not make the mistake of thinking this movie is set in the 1980's; it's not (it's actually set around 2012), but you can certainly see the inspiration from that rad decade. Most of the effects are practical, which is nice, but the few that are not are really rough. Speaking of rough, the acting is brutally bad, but strangely enough, there is at least one face most horror fans will recognize...
Picture him with pins
Yes, Doug Bradley of Hellraiser fame stops by for a cameo, bringing with him more acting talent in his 8 minutes of screen time than every other actor in this production combined for the entire rest of the movie.
He also brings his puzzle box, just for the "hell" of it
If you are a fan of 1980's electro-industrial music (if you have no idea what this is, look it up and thank me later), there is another face you may recognize in this one--Ogre from Skinny Puppy (and Repo! The Genetic Opera) plays one of the masked killers.
Well, he's masked most of the time
If you are anti-amateurish looking movies, you will likely not get much enjoyment out of this movie (unless you are as obsessed with carnivals as I am). I am personally not a big fan of this type presentation for movies made in the 21st Century, but believe me when I tell you there are a lot worse ones out there. My main problem with the movie is the lack of any character depth at all. We have no reason to care about any of the characters, including our survivor (you'll predict this one right off). The story is bland, though the appearance of Bradley's character near the end of the film adds a bit of interest to this aspect of the film. Catching the continuity errors adds some enjoyment to the watching experience, so there is that too. Ultimately, Scream Park is a decent little slasher film--it's not one I recommend going out of your way to watch, but if you come across it, give it a shot.
Psychiatrist Miranda Grey (Halle Berry) is involved in a car accident on her way home from work. When she awakens from the incident, she finds herself a patient in the same mental institution she works in, having been accused of killing her husband, Douglas (Charles S. Dutton of Roc...yes, I used to watch that show). Miranda's problems don't end there, as she finds herself being haunted by a spirit as well. I recall seeing this one in the theater in 2003 and loving it. I watched it a few times over the years, but prior to watching it earlier today, I had not seen the movie in maybe ten years or so. Would I still love it as much as I did back then?
She can't wait to find out
I will start with what I completely forgot about--well, one of the things I completely forgot about anyway, and it happens to be the worst thing about this movie--the CGI. Some of the visuals in this movie are so bad you will wonder how the film ever saw a big screen. That said, I really have no other major complaint about this film. The story is an interesting one, and will absolutely keep you engaged, especially near the end, when the twists and turns come at a breakneck speed. I love the acting in this, and the movie has a whole slew of performers I enjoy watching. Aside from Berry and Dutton (both of whom I like), we also have personal favorites Penelope Cruz (Vanilla Sky), the grossly underrated John Carroll Lynch (Zodiac), and, of course, my favorite actor in the history of acting (and the reason I paid to see this in the theater to begin with), Robert Downey Jr. (Tuff Turf).
"Tuff Turf? Really?"
There's not a ton of gore in the movie, but there is certainly more than enough suspense to make up for it. Adding to the enjoyment of the movie is a very satisfying ending (the very final shot with the bus and the kid notwithstanding ). A lot of people like to bash this movie--the critics hated it, and while not a box office bomb, it wasn't exactly setting the world on fire in 2003 either. I, on the other hand, was pleasantly surprised to find that after so many years of not watching it, I still very much liked Gothika, and certainly won't wait another ten years to watch it again.
A group of people suffering from sleep paralysis share an even more disturbing bond--they're all being haunted, and killed, by a demonic force. I have been aware of this movie since it was released in 2018. It sat in My List on Netflix forever and I never got around to watching it before they dropped it. This morning, I turned on Tubi and there it was, the first suggested movie--as I had suffered from sleep paralysis myself just a few hours prior, I figured now was as good a time as any to finally check this one out. As it turns out, it really wasn't a great time to watch it, as a daylight setting was certainly not the best for this film. The movie starts off strong, with criminal psychologist Kate Fuller (Olga Kurylenko) investigating the death of a man the police believe was murdered by his wife, but who the wife and their child say was killed by a demon. The movie revolves around Kate's increased understanding of the phenomena, and Kurylenko does a surprisingly good job in the role--her facial expressions truly tell the entire story of the scenes she's in, and as I watched, I wondered how much she would excel in a silent film.
You probably know what's happening here
The story of the demon, named Mara, is an interesting one, and one that is based on various folktales from around the world. If you are a fan of A Nightmare on Elm Street, you will draw the obvious comparisons to that franchise, which will take away some of the enjoyment of this movie. The film does slow down a bit as well, and there may be a jump scare or two too many. One thing I love about the movie, however, is how Mara is presented--we start off by catching brief glimpses of her, then gradually seeing more and more until the final scene.
Here's an example
The demon is creepy, and there are some genuinely scary moments in this movie. Going back to what I said earlier, be sure to watch this movie at night...I know I will the next time I hit play on it. Mara may not be a great horror film, but it is one of the better ones I've seen come along the past few years.
Journalist Alan Foster (Georges Rivière) challenges the authenticity of a story by Edgar Allan Poe (Silvano Tranquilli), accepting a bet with Lord Blackwood (Umberto Raho) to stay in a haunted castle overnight. What Alan doesn't know is the story is indeed true, and ghosts in the house relive the final moments of their lives, right before his eyes! This 1964 Italian film is actually quite like many others from that era in that we get a slow build to the action-packed finale, but let's not get ahead of ourselves quite yet. Once Alan makes it into the castle, he meets, and immediately falls for, Elisabeth Blackwood (Barbara Steele, Black Sunday). The problem with this whole love connection is Elisabeth is a one of the aforementioned ghosts.
I'm not going to blame the guy
The back and forth between Elisabeth and Alan takes up much of the film after their initial encounter, and I am very okay with this. Rivière is surprisingly likable, and Steele is one of my all-time favorite horror actresses, so I'll only complain about her screen time if it's too minimal. Joining the fun is Margrete Robsahm as Julia Alert, another apparition, and one who enjoys tormenting Elisabeth. For as much as I am a fan of Steele, Robsahm really stole the show with her performance. Her wickedness toward Elisabeth is certainly memorable, even with the questionable dubbing. We eventually find that Elisabeth was rather popular with the guys during her alive days, as both her husband and secret lover are also here for the party. If you have the patience to make it there, you will be rewarded, as the third act in the film is really well done--from the scenes showing how our ghosts died, to the twists and turns, to the fate of all the characters, the closing fifteen minutes or so of this movie will have you glued. I know these Italian gothic horror films are not everybody's cup of tea, but Castle of Blood is enjoyable enough to check out.
With a new year upon us, I wondered to myself "What would be a good movie to kick things off with?". As if it heard my thought, Tubi suggested Bloody New Year. Considering the title and the cover for the movie, I decided to give it a go, and once I realized this was a UK movie, I began immediately wondering if the "Bloody" in the title meant something other than what I was thinking.
"You're way over thinking this movie, mate"
Five friends end up on an island that seems stuck in 1959, and is haunted. The movie starts off hot, with a scene from a 1959 New Year's Eve party, which transitions into scenes at a carnival--if you know me well, you know I love carnivals and amusement parks, and love seeing them in movies as well.
The Traum Boot looks amazing!
Many of the scenes at the park have some odd slapstick element to them, which is off-putting, to say the least. Once they make it to the island, however, things really go sideways and the movie gets...weird. As the youngsters try to figure out why the resort they stumble across is decorated for 1959 Christmas and New Year's Eve, they begin catching quick glimpses of ghosts, seeing inanimate objects such as ropes come to life and attacking them, and experiencing unexpected weather events. The special effects leave a bit to be desired, but I love the practical approach to them--the character coming out of the movie screen to attack one of the lost is especially entertaining. Some of the ghosts have that very low budget, but oh so cool look about them.
Like this
The acting is also bad, but not in a particularly enjoyable way. The directing is amateurish, which results in some questionable shots, but it's not terribly distracting. The editing and especially the sound effects are what will really leave you scratching your head. Oh yeah, remember my pondering over the word "bloody"? It sure didn't earn this name due to loss of the red stuff--there's some bloodshed, but certainly not enough to warrant the title. The madness in this film continues right up to the fantastic final scene. There is a good chance nobody will ever call Bloody New Year the best horror film of its time, but it sure is fun to watch!
