BAD CANDY

Bad Candy Movie Review

A couple disc jockeys on radio station 66.6 tell spooky tales on Halloween, resulting in an anthology movie filled with stories that all intertwine at least somewhat--picture Trick 'r Treat, only not nearly as good. Before we move on, I know you may be wondering about that radio station--it's a horror movie, so it's all silly fun, but, of course, 66.6 cannot be an actual station--judging by scene featuring the drug dealer listening to it in an old Bonneville, we know it's a regular radio station, and it appears to actually be in the 105 territory. That said, the FCC would have a field day with this show. You probably know the DJs--one is Zach Galligan (Billy from Gremlins) and the other is Corey Taylor from the band Slipknot--picture Mr. Bungle, only knot nearly as good. 

Thank me later 

Back to the movie--there are more stories in this feature than I care to dive too deeply into (this is supposed to be QUICK horror movie reviews, after all), but I'll briefly touch on each. The whole thing starts off surprisingly well, with some really nice Halloween settings to get us in the mood, and a clown turning a brat of a kid into a toy. The clown will pop up throughout, ala Sam from the aforementioned Trick 'r Treat. 

Hi Jack

We then have a girl with the ability to bring her drawings to life--this may come in handy as she battles her drunken redneck stepdad who, if nothing else, has good taste in retro furniture. 

Look out, Ben

It's in this story we begin to see how bad the CGI is, and man, is it ever terrible. There's not much, if any, improvement throughout the rest of the movie, which is all the more disappointing in that the practical effects, when used, are actually okay. More disappointing is the movie as a whole kind of falls off the cliff after the first twenty minutes. There's an old feller putting razor blades in candy--he ends up with the razor blades in his own throat, kind of like in Night of the Demons (anybody else noticing a pattern here?). 

The shirt I'm wearing right now looks just like this one...seriously

From there, we see a drug dealer at a Halloween party--the dude reminds me of a million guys I knew back in my Ohio days--I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but that doesn't matter--he ends up in the Bonneville and eventually in a bathroom, where he is stalked and finally meets his demise in a scene similar to one from Scream 2. 

Never press your ear against the stall!

A woman leaves the party to go to work in the morgue and starts to seduce a dead guy. When he appears to come back to life, she flips out, looks like she's on an acid trip, and sees cadavers turn into zombies. Some guy attacks some woman at her house and chases her to a playground, where there's a battle to the death. A rideshare driver and his buddies kidnap some people with questionable morals, tie them up, put large pumpkins on their heads, and set them loose to be stalked by their friend. 

LENNY!

The woman in the morgue installment is dull and ramped up only slightly when the corpse appears to come to life. The cat and mouse between the man and woman offers nothing of any real interest. The story with pumpkinheaded people is painfully bad, especially in its brutally horrible attempts at humor; Lenny, however, looks so fantastic it almost makes up for the time it takes to get to him. The movie ends with a story of a house burning down, and ties directly to the gents at the radio station. The final little twist is surprisingly satisfying, if not a bit predictable. 

Here's a hint

Bad Candy is one of those movies that has loads of potential, but comes up short in practically every way it can. To even the casual viewer, the most obvious shortcoming will be in the special effects category. The CGI looks like some of the worst stuff to come from SyFy Originals--maybe even worse. I get that there are people who are into this, and, if given the right type of movie, I am too--this isn't that type of movie. They also tried to do way too much. Perhaps had they picked three of the more interesting stories and expanded on them instead of stretching about a half dozen uninspired yarns out to around 103 minutes, a better movie would have resulted. This brings us to the third major issue--lack of originality. I pointed out a few examples, but believe me when I tell you, there are many more instances of thievery going on here. The acting leaves a lot to be desired as well, though Taylor's performance as Chilly Billy was better than I expected. Bad Candy does have a couple bright spots, but it's safe to say it will never become a Halloween tradition in my household.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Bad Candy Movie Trailer

TRICK OR TREATS

 

Trick or Treats Movie Review

Several years after being admitted to an insane asylum, Malcolm O'Keefe (Peter Jason) escapes, vowing revenge on his ex-wife, Joan (Carrie Snodgrass), for having him committed. What he doesn't know, however, is that Joan is out on the town, and the house is occupied by Linda (Jackelyn Giroux), who is babysitting Christopher (Chris Graver), a brat of a child who continuously pulls tricks on her and reminds me why I never wanted kids. He's irritating, but is he the most annoying child in horror history?

Nope

Dubbed a slasher, this flick has very little actually happening. We see the kid tricking Linda repeatedly (how she kept falling for his nonsense is anybody's guess) and Malcolm escaping the asylum in drag--there's a repeated gag about guys mistaking him for a woman--it's not funny the first time...or any time after that. In fact, the film attempts comedy several times, and never quite hits. One could argue it borders on being a parody of the horror genre--the best example of this is when two women are editing a horror movie, providing the most entertaining and interesting part of Trick or Treats. After what seems an eternity, Malcolm arrives at the home, and we have our first death scene--70 minutes into the film. From there, it's Linda trying to avoid Malcolm, until the killer meets his fate in a most ridiculous manner. 

Watch your step

The acting is bad, but honestly, they didn't have a lot to work with. David Carradine (Q: The Winged Serpent), who I'm convinced would take on any role to make a buck, shows up long enough to establish Joan has remarried...and to sexually harass the babysitter. The story was dull and made little sense--the fact that Malcolm has no contact with Joan after his escape is mindboggling. The final 20 minutes bring the movie up somewhat, but practically everything that happens before it (save for the editing scene) is a test of patience. If nothing else, Trick or Treats proves that not all 1980s horror is awesome.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

 

Trick or Treats Movie Trailer

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE

Zombie Nightmare Movie Review

Tony (Jon Mikl Thor), a guy who looks like he should be challenging Ric Flair for the NWA World Title, dies after being struck by a car. Distraught, his mother contacts a voodoo priestess to bring her boy back. Now looking more like somebody The Sandman would cane, Tony returns from the dead to seek revenge on the teens responsible for his death. This 1987 film starts off hot, with Motörhead's "Ace of Spades" playing with the opening credits. Unfortunately, it's all down hill from there. Everything in this movie is just so slow, from the killer in his pursuit of the teens to actual slow motion shots, something I cannot stand in horror movies. Surprisingly, there are some recognizable names here. Adam West of "Batman" fame stars as a police captain. Shawn Levy, who plays lead bad guy Jim, would go on to direct Night at the Museum and become producer of a little show called Stranger Things. Finally, in her film debut, we have pre-Wayne's World Tia Carrere.

"She's a babe!"

As we know, just because a movie has a few people we recognize, it doesn't mean the acting will be good, and in this flick, it's far from it--in fact, the performances are horrendous from top to bottom. The action isn't much better--the kills are especially lame, but if you've ever wanted to see somebody impaled with a baseball bat, it does offer that. When our friend Tony is hit by the car, it's in slow motion, and seeing the body change places after is hilarious. The voodoo priestess will remind you of many similar characters straight out of a 1950's film--this is not a compliment. At one point, we see somebody reading Fangoria magazine--on the cover is Maximum Overdrive, a movie that looks like a Hitchcockian masterpiece compared to Zombie Nightmare. If you're a fan of 1980's heavy metal music, you may enjoy the soundtrack--while not a fan of the music myself, it did fit this movie quite well--this is also not a compliment. They throw in a little twist at the end, but you'll see it coming a mile away. Zombie Nightmare is not a good movie--it was once featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000", and rightfully so; still, there's just enough charm and unintentional hilarity to keep you sticking around until the end, which is so bad it's awesome. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Zombie Nightmare Movie Trailer

THE DEVIL’S RAIN

The Devil's Rain Movie Review

Satanic leader Corbis (Ernest Borgnine) swears revenge on the descendants of his churchgoers...and he has to get a book...and he may be the actual devil...and there’s something about rain...or something. Honestly, I’m really not sure what was going on in this 1975 B movie that had a surprising lack of comprehensiveness and an even more surprising number of stars, be them fading or just beginning to shine. Aside from Borgnine, Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, stars. Joan Prather ("Eight is Enough") and Tom Skerritt (Alien, Top Gun) are also here, as is, in his film debut, Hollywood legend John Travolta. 

Vinnie?

Wow, was this movie ever a lot to sit through. The nonsensical plot is accompanied by dialogue that is just as questionable, and performances that may make you wonder if the actors had a bet to see who could be the worst. I have never been a fan of Shatner and his form of overacting--he certainly brings that to this movie, but Borgnine somehow manages to out-Shatner Shatner. I did appreciate the practical effects, which were as odd as anything else in this movie, and I'm always a fan of desert settings, so there was that too. The climax of the movie, with the melting bodies, was cool, but there's a whole lot of nothing happening to get there. I watched this on an episode of "Svengoolie", so there's a very good chance I liked it more than I should have; still, this is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Devil's Rain Movie Trailer

SCREAMERS (aka ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN)

Screamers Movie Review

After their ship goes down, a doctor (Claudio Cassinelli) and some prisoners end up on an island inhabited by a few people and, you guessed it, fishmen. There's a bit of confusion when it comes to this movie, so let me knock that out right from the start. Italian film L'isola degli uomini pesce (The Island of the Fishmen) was released in 1979. A couple years later, in 1981, it was Americanized and released as Screamers. For this, around a half hour of footage was removed from the original version, a new opening was shot, new dubbing was added, and so on. The version I watched, and am subsequently reviewing, is the Americanized one--I hear the original film is much better, but I'll take everybody's word for it. The new, American opening is groovy enough, with a decapitation and more than enough blood and guts (literally) to get you excited for the movie. If you have never seen this film, you may be thinking "This is some sort of Creature from the Black Lagoon" ripoff, and to some degree, that is certainly true--at least in the look of the monsters.

"That's Fishman, NOT Gill-Man!"

 You can pretty much stop the comparison there, however, as Creature from the Black Lagoon is an all-time great, and Screamers is...not. We get to know the doctor, and discover rather quickly the dubbing is horrible. We find there are evil people on the island, and at least one, Amanda (Barbara Bach), who is not only nice to the doc, but also to the fishmen. After a hot start, the movie slows to a crawl, and by the time you get to the somewhat entertaining twist near the end, you may be struggling to stay awake. The dialogue is not interesting in the least. The acting is nothing special. Your level of appreciation of the creatures will depend on if you lean toward CGI or the practical approach--if you lean toward the latter, your level of snobbery will also play a part in what you think of these guys. I personally found the costumes to be the best thing about this movie, with the sets and locations coming in just behind. Is this enough to make me want to watch the movie again, or search out the original Italian flick? Probably not. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Screamers Movie Trailer

MARDI GRAS MASSACRE

Mardi Gras Massacre Movie Review

A madman is killing prostitutes during Mardi Gras...or at least, sometime prior to Mardi Gras (more on that momentarily). Not only is he killing them, he's sacrificing them in some bizarre Aztec ritual.

"Hailing from Tenochtitlan, and weighing in at..."

If the plot and silly looking costume reminds you of a movie that would have been made ten or fifteen years prior to when it was actually shot (1978), you're not alone. Aside from the obvious (a million similar movies were made in the 1960's), this is also explained somewhat in that this movie is kind of a sequel to the 1963 flick Blood Feast. Another interesting note to this film is it was on the UK video nasties list, and actually received an X rating in the United States--though I'm honestly not sure why. There is nothing really eye-catching as far as presenting anything new or shocking, and the violence we see is so absurdly fake looking it's a wonder anybody took it seriously at all. The killer, whose identity we know from the start, takes a woman to his apartment, ties her to a table, cuts her hands and feet, and then cuts her heart out--sounds interesting, but the cutting out of the heart is done on a torso that is so clearly a prop you will actually laugh when you see it.

Look in the bottom right

This scene plays out almost identically three times, with three different women. We also follow a police officer, his prostitute girlfriend, and his dopey partner as they chase the killer. We see random fights breaking out, several scenes of strippers and go-go dancers, and a street performing dancer who should have given the others some lessons. The dialogue is dull--you could probably not listen to a word anybody says and still have a complete understanding of what is happening. Don't mute this one, though--the music is the best part of the film. The song that plays during the ritualistic killings is fantastic, there's a good bit of hot funk, and more disco than you can shake your bellbottoms at--yes, I said, in part, that disco is one of the best elements of this film--this really tells you most of what you need to know, but continue I will. The acting is atrocious, and gets even worse during the few dramatic scenes. One fascinating thing happening throughout is the sheer number of people looking directly at the camera for a moment. This happens so often you wonder if there is some sort of running gag happening. 

"End scene? Oh, not yet?"

Finally, there's the whole Mardi Gras thing--remember in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, when you expect Jason to be causing havoc in, you know, Manhattan, only to watch the movie for over an hour before seeing The Big Apple (or Vancouver, as it were)? It's the same deal here--you see no hint of Mardi Gras whatsoever until 74 minutes into the movie, and when we finally see the party, it's only for about four minutes.

I always pictured more...beads

Mardi Gras Massacre is a hard one to score--it certainly is not a good, decent, or even mediocre horror movie, but there is enough going on to keep you interested, right up to the abrupt, police-chase filled, unsatisfying ending. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Mardi Gras Massacre Movie Trailer

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES!!?

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? Movie Review

Jerry (Ray Dennis Steckler, who also produced and directed the film) is hypnotized by a gypsy and turned into a killer who can't remember his actions--God, you have to love these simple plots. Digging deeper (but not much), we find that both gypsy Estrella (Brett O'Hara) and her sister, stripper Carmelita (Erina Enyo), have the hypnotic skills, and Estrella has a history of not only putting fellas under her spell, but also of throwing acid on them to disfigure their faces, and keeping them enslaved--these are the "zombies" and "creatures" mentioned in the excessively long title that honestly is the only reason I decided to give this movie a shot, the curiosity of seeing the length of the title under the picture up there being too much to resist, so don't expect to see anything bordering on the traditional zombie or creature we are all used to, and, in fact, all love.

"Now look into my eyes"

This oddly-named 1964 flick is likely even more bizarre than you are picturing. It hailed itself as "The First Monster Musical", but managed to underwhelm in both the musical sense and the monster sense. 

Or maybe don't see it?

It's obvious I'm a fan of horror, but, if done well, I am also a fan of musicals--this was not done well. The musical element seems to exist only to add to the run time--worse, they sound bad, the dancing is dreadful, and there are far too many numbers. 

One of many

In fact, they take up most of the first 45 minutes, when we finally see Jerry turn, complete with a painstakingly long hypnotism sequence and, eventually, Jerry's hilarious psycho killer face. 

They likely laughed as they died

The acting is atrocious from start to end, the story is uninteresting, the dialogue is mind-numbing, and there is little in terms of consistency. Based strictly on these merits, this movie has nothing whatsoever going for it--it has been put on many lists of worst movies ever made, but I'm not going to go anywhere near that. Granted, it's still not a great movie, but there is plenty happening to keep you glued. I've said it before and I'll say it again--I'm a sucker for carnival and amusement park settings, and a good bit of this movie takes place at the now-defunct The Pike in Long Beach, California. These shots are fantastic, and make the viewer long for just one day at the park.

Uncrowded beaches existed then?

I want to ride this one!

Maybe not this one

Correction: Definitely not this one

Dominguez on the Sandia Peak Tramway

The movie is filled with fascinating, unsettling images and sounds, with the next scene seemingly having little to do with the one before it, making the entire experience feel like a dream at five in the morning after having one too many drinks or joints. The end is as strange, with a very drawn-out chase scene that sees the pursuer almost not even trying to catch the fleeing Jerry as both struggle with the terrain much more than either should. This leads to a rather unsatisfying ending. This movie (the title of which I refuse to type again) is a hard one to rate--it's far too bad to garner any decent score, but its surreal presentation is such that I can't help but recommend watching it at least once. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? Movie Trailer

CHOOSE OR DIE (aka CURS>R)

Choose or Die Movie Review

Kayla (Iola Evans), a college student from the projects, comes across a video game from the 1980s. The game promises a large prize for anybody who defeats it, but the game itself is a deadly one. Needing money for school and to help her mother, Kayla decides to give it a go. This movie, released on Netflix today, April 15, 2022, is the latest in a whole series of movies and shows based on the idea of a video game, app, or game show putting contestants in a game of life or death--when this fad dies, and in the years to come people look back onto it, Choose or Die will likely not be one recalled with great fondness...or recalled at all. 

"That's just mean...but probably true"

The first thing you will likely notice about this movie is the writing--specifically, how poorly it's written. It makes you wonder if the writers were given bonuses for every dropped F-bomb. I once wrote an entire rant about this, but I will shorten it here--profanity is effective when used sparingly, but lazy and off-putting when used in excess. I'd like to say this issue aside, the movie has a lot going for it, but far be it for me to lie to my loyal readers. The acting is awful--Evans is dreadful as the lead, Asa Butterfield is only slightly better as her friend-zoned pal Isaac, and Eddie Marsan (The World's End) isn't believable as Hal, the first person we see play the game and who makes a predictable reappearance at the end--the rest of the acting in the movie, believe it or not, is even worse. The film plods along with little at all advancing the story. With credits, this clocks in at about 84 minutes, but feels twice as long. The idea of the game is as simple as the movie title would imply--the player is given a question with two options and has to choose one of them...or they die.

Tough call

The movie is not all bad. There are a few scenes where, instead of seeing the actors, we see the action play out in the style of a 1980s video game. There are some cool props, especially for those of us who actually remember the 1980s. The highly underappreciated song "Are Friends Electric" by Tubeway Army is featured, as well as music from Run D.M.C....of course, for every good song, there are ones so unbearable I had my girlfriend mute the television. Arguably best of all, horror legend Robert Englund appears as himself, but in the theme of some good, some bad this movie carries, Englund appears in voice form only (though he knocks it out of the park in doing do). Not even Englund's master vocal work makes this movie worth watching though--in fact, just watch the trailer instead, as it pretty much shows the entire film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Choose or Die Movie Trailer

Tubeway Army's "Are Friends Electric"... thank me later

HAPPY HELL NIGHT

Happy Hell Night Movie Review

It's time for that all-American college institution ritual everybody loves so much...yes, it's pledge night, and at Winfield College, this is taken so seriously they have a competition to determine which house can be the biggest jerks to the freshmen. When he discovers his younger brother, Sonny (Frank John Hughes), has been having an affair with his girlfriend, frat boy Eric (Nick Gregory) sends him and a friend off on a mission to photograph a priest named Zachary Malius. Who is Malius? He's a dude who killed seven pledges 25 years prior, and has been in an insane asylum since. Naturally, Malius escapes the asylum and unleashes vengeance on the college...good job Eric. Your drove of jackasses are the winners! 

As picked by him

Yes, this movie is as bland as they come, adding more evidence to my argument that the 1990's was the worst decade for horror flicks (this one was released in 1992). In the first act, we meet the characters, and none of them are even a little bit interesting--the acting is amateurish at best, which makes this even worse. One, Ned, does look like Kevin Bacon dressed as a creeper for Halloween, so there's that--the actor, Ted Clark, is probably the worst of the bunch, which is really saying something. We also have Henry Collins. This character escaped Malius, and is the father of Sonny and Eric. Why do I bring him up. Believe it or not, in this low budget film you have probably not heard of, he is played by two people you almost certainly have heard of--Darren McGavin...

"He looked like a deranged Easter Bunny, I tell ya!"

... and Sam Rockwell.

"Me? An Academy Award winner?

The shooting and editing are arguably even worse than the acting, complete with hilariously bad slow-motion action. Though unoriginal, at least something started developing at the start of the film, but somewhere in the middle it just comes to a complete halt, and the focus turns to Ned, who, as it turns out, doesn't just look like a creeper, but actually IS one. We find he has hidden cameras set up in various places and uses them to watch naked chicks. This doesn't really add anything at all to the story, and feels very much like they realized there wasn't enough to produce a feature-length film, so they threw in a bunch of nudity to fill the time. One of these scenes (minus any actual nudity) features another pre-stardom familiar face--Jorja Fox.

Who are you? Who who? Who who?

While it is fun seeing some recognizable people, their actual screen time is minimal, so if you're a big fan of Rockwell, Fox, or McGavin, don't get too excited for this. The ending is so cheesy and uninspired you may find yourself laughing. In a movie that offers little else, the death scenes are surprisingly well executed, so not all is lost...they're also not good enough to warrant a recommendation to watch the entire movie. If your thing is seeing stars before they were famous, check out Happy Hell Night for the few minutes you actually see said stars; otherwise, there's no reason to watch this one. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Happy Hell Night Movie Trailer

THE SHED

The Shed Movie Review

A hunter named Bane (Frank Whaley, Vacancy) is attacked and turned into a vampire. He takes refuge from the sun in a shed on a farm. Teenager Stan (Jay Jay Warren) lives on said farm, and after he discovers the creature, he's not quite sure what to do with it--his best friend, and fellow bullied fella Dommer (Cody Kostro), on the other hand, has an idea. 

"Remember when Henry wanted to get rid of Billie?"

The premise seems cool, though the comparison to the Creepshow segment "The Crate" is glaring. I have always been a fan of Whaley, who I believe to be one of the more underrated actors of his time, but he is terribly underused in this movie--though, until they showed him in vampire form in the shed, I did picture him killing his victims in there with a 1964 Gibson SG. Speaking of acting, most of it in this film is atrocious--making this worse is the lack of any character being even somewhat likable. The dialogue adds to the misery, as it's mind-numbing and lazy. You may think "Ooh, I heard this is set in the 1980's, so that part will be cool!", and you will be disappointed. There are no cell phones, and we see some cassette tapes, but other than that, there's no real 80's feel here--that said, one of the many movie mistakes is seeing cars that came out decades after the 1980's ended. Looking for such mistakes was truly the highlight of this film, and it's enough to keep you going. The vampires look somewhat cool, so a bit of credit has to be given for this as well. This movie just sort of plods along--you don't care what happens to the characters, but curiosity over the vampire in the shed is there. Also there, most unfortunately, is the worst cover of "House of the Rising Sun" I have ever heard. There's nothing original or interesting going on in The Shed, and honestly, there's no reason to spend time with it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Shed Movie Trailer

EARTH VS THE SPIDER (aka The Spider)

Earth vs. the Spider Movie Review

When her father doesn't come home, Carol Flynn (June Kenney) and her boyfriend, Mike (Eugene Persson), head out to search for him. After finding clues he may have been in an accident, they go into a cave, thinking he went there for shelter, but what they find is a terror they could never have imagined. 

Bet you didn't see this coming

The kids enlist the assistance of their science teacher, and together with some local folks, they capture the giant spider and bring it to...the town's high school. Of course, it eventually breaks out of there, and brings on what we all came for--the superimposed shots of the titanic tarantula unleashing havoc. The late 1950's and early 1960's gave the world countless creature features, and many of them are a blast to watch--unfortunately, Earth vs the Spider doesn't fall into this category. The movie drags along, with little to nothing of note happening between the scenes with the spider. I truly had a difficult time staying awake while watching this movie--it took me three tries to get all the way through it. The one memorable thing about this film is the character Joe, played by Troy Patterson. When I first saw the character, I thought he was a janitor or teacher at the high school, but then a student made mention of Joe being his friend--I had to rewind the movie to be sure I didn't miss something. Joe, who appeared to be pushing 40, was indeed one of the students. 

He's on the 20 year plan

There's no depth to any of the characters, and the acting is rough. All this can be overlooked in a movie that brings the good stuff with the monster scenes, but the spider's damage is minimal. To make matters worse, the ending is a dull one. I really wanted to like Earth vs the Spider, but there's not much to see here. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Earth vs. the Spider Movie Trailer

EL MONSTRO DEL MAR

El Monstro Del Mar Movie Review

While hanging out in a seaside cabin, three homicidal rockabilly-looking chicks must battle a sea monster. That is the simple, yet bizarre plot of this 2010 film that is both a nod to 1970's grindhouse flicks and 1950's creature features, but that never quite captures the feel of either--instead, what we get is a rather uneventful, forgettable Australian flick. 

As good as this one gets

The first scene lets us know these are not women to be messed with--in fact, the opening sequence is probably the best part of the film. There are some brutal killings, a ton of blood, and it is shot wonderfully in black and white. Had they built from this momentum, this could have actually been a really good movie; instead, once the color comes on, it melts into the land of mediocrity and just drags, as we see the ladies seaside, where they drink, do drugs, and have dreadfully dull conversations. All three of the gals are equally as annoying as the next, and none have any depth whatsoever. Their car is cool though, and they lug around cassette tapes--records will always be my number one choice for music listening, but cassette tapes come in a close second, and seeing them here made me miss my old collection. Watching this movie, I enjoyed thinking that maybe the cassette is still king in the Land Down Under. 

And I'm jealous

If you can manage to stick with the movie, you are treated to...well, subjected to...a final battle pitting the girls and their new female friend against the monster, in a battle filled with bad CGI and green screens and hand puppets.

Oh my

If you are looking for a good giant creature film, a good grindhouse movie, or a good homage to either of these, look elsewhere--though filled with promise, Monstro fails in practically every way possible. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

El Monstro Del Mar Movie Trailer

THE GALLOWS ACT II

The Gallows Act II Movie Review

Auna Rue (Ema Horvath) is a would-be actress and YouTube star. When she stumbles across the legend behind the stage play The Gallows, Auna Rue is soon haunted by the spirit of The Hangman. She does all this for the camera and her audience, because let's face it baby, these days, it's all about the likes! This is the sequel to the 2015 film The Gallows--if you are having a hard time remembering that movie, that can be easily explained--it was quite forgettable, and certainly not a flick that demanded a second act. But alas, it was a film that made money, so of course, the Blumhouse machine was going to churn out a sequel, and here we are. 

"That's what this is all about?"

The first film was of the found footage variety--this sequel is presented in the more traditional way, though there is a bit of the found footage feel when we see some of the YouTube videos. The movie is absolutely filled with jump scares...so many jump scares. As far as actual scares go, well, there are none. The film also lacks any suspense, comprehensive storytelling, or character development. The acting is bad, with Horvath, who looks like the love child of Neve Campbell and Hilary Swank, making for a weak lead (though, sadly, she turns in the best performance). We get a ton of hallucinations and false realities--you may try to make sense of this at the start, but you soon realize you are trying to make sense of the senseless and give up. The film comes off as a generic PG-13 horror film, but with just enough profanity added to get that R rating. This all leads to an ending that is so horrendous, so brutally bad, so nonsensical, that is actually adds a point to my score--this level of ridiculousness doesn't come along every day. In the unlikely event you saw The Gallows and thought to yourself "I really hope they make a sequel! It will be amazing!", you may want to save yourself the disappointment and skip this movie...actually, even if you never had this thought, you should still skip it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Gallows Act II Movie Review