SHE FREAK

She Freak Movie Review

Tired of her job as a server, Jade (Claire Brennen) sets out to join the carnival. Once there, she takes on the exciting life of... a server. She also finds that she's not exactly welcome by some, namely the "freaks". If that sounds a little familiar, just wait. This 1967 movie starts off with promise, as we have some nice shots of a carnival. 

Hurry, hurry, step right up!

There's also a lot of footage of carnies setting up and tearing down--honestly, it looked like it could have been a documentary on the life of a carny in the 1960's. I watched this on Tubi, and it was not remastered--it was straight from film, with the missing frames, scratches, cigarette burns, et cetera, in tact--I am a huge fan of watching movies in this presentation. Sadly, that's where the positives for this film end. The acting in this movie is just awful. The story truly goes nowhere at all. Aside from seeing the carnival and carny shots, we get nothing but brief encounters between Jade and the rest of the cast. The movie appears to have no idea what it wants to be, so it decides to just try out different things. It's a horror movie with no horror. It's a nudie-cutie with no nudity. It's a documentary with no narration. It's a movie that just keeps going, and seems twice as long as it actually is. Jade seemingly does a complete turn in character near the end, and it's not until the final two minutes of the movie that we get any bit of horror...and that is nothing but an absolute theft of the ending of the 1932 classic Freaks. Being a sucker for such things, I have to give the movie a couple stars for the carnival setting and presentation--if not for these elements, She Freak would go down as one of the worst movies I've ever watched. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

She Freak Movie Trailer

VARSITY BLOOD

Varsity Blood Movie Review

A group of high school football players and cheerleaders go to a creepy, abandoned house to celebrate Halloween. Once there, they are stalked by a maniac dressed as the school's mascot. If this sounds unoriginal, it's only because it is. This 2014 movie truly brings nothing unique to the table, but does kind of, sort of have a 1980's slasher throwback feel to it at times. Because I am sure you're wondering, before we continue, here's what the aforementioned mascot looks like. 

Jinkies!

After a decent opening, you wait a long time for the next killing--this time is spent with nothing happening except teenage melodrama, complete with mind-numbing dialogue. If you want to get drunk like a high school jock on a Friday night, take a shot every time somebody refers to somebody else as "Babe" during this stretch of time. None of the characters are interesting or even the least bit likable, and are so interchangeable I actually had a hard time remembering which character was which--not that it matters at all. The acting is atrocious, and the worst of them ends up being the killer, which leads to some really dreadful deliveries after he is revealed. Speaking of the reveal...man, that reveal. If you are a fan of the old Scooby-Doo cartoons, you will know what they are doing here. This doesn't really fit the movie at all, and if I actually cared about how this film turned out, I might have been outraged at this scene, but it provided one of the few moments that approached being entertaining. Lots of caffeine and a few decent death scenes will get you through the movie, which teases a sequel at the end...please don't. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Varsity Blood Movie Trailer

THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN JACK

The Legend of Halloween Jack Movie Review

Alleged killer Jack Cain (William Wolfe Hogan) avoids prosecution due to a technicality. Now the families of the two children he is accused of killing seek out vigilante justice. A year after being killed by the group, Cain returns, looking like a wicked scarecrow meets the killer from Smiley, and he's out for revenge! 

I really need to review Smiley some day

This 2018, which certainly found much inspiration from Dark Night of the Scarecrow, comes from Wales, UK--I may be off on this, but I have always pictured Wales being to the UK as, say, Arkansas or Kentucky is to the United States--I think this movie may back this theory, as the dialogue is as dreadful as listening to a conversation between a couple locals from either of those "fine" states. The movie starts off hot, with clips from legendary public domain films such as Nosferatu, White Zombie, The Cabinet of Caligari, Night of the Living Dead, and Carnival of Souls. Most unfortunately, seeing clips of other movies is the best thing about watching this one. The scares are none. The blood and gore are little, with most killings taking place off screen. If you catch this on Tubi, you will see the rating TV-14, but there's lots of profanity in this one, so parents beware--this would be a solid R rating in the United States. There's several attempts at humor throughout, but it all falls flat. Perhaps worst yet, this movie introduces the world to the worst Halloween party any movie has ever seen--it's about 6 dudes in the lamest Halloween costumes a couple quid could buy. There is a slight bit of a twist, and seeing the people who killed Jack try to cover their tracks was mildly interesting, but otherwise, there's nothing to see here. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

The Legend of Halloween Jack Movie Trailer

WICKED LAKE

Wicked Lake Movie Review

A group of...I don't know if they are supposed to be demented or rednecks or just general degenerates...they're sort of a dime store version of the Sawyer/Hewitt family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre...anyway, these idiots begin terrorizing a group of four chicks you may find at your local strip joint, but the hunters become the hunted when the women unleash a surprise. Right from the opening, you realize this movie had little to no budget, but we know that alone is not reason to give up on it; that said, you will not be surprised to find the acting is horrendous, the dialogue is mind-numbing, and the story is thin--so thin, in fact, you will find seemingly countless minutes filled with the aforementioned women getting naked and dancing, so I guess if hitting the strip clubs is your thing, you can skip getting the singles and pop this movie in. 

Better yet, pass up both and keep reading

Everything in this movie plays out precisely as you expect it to--I'm going to assume you will never watch this movie, but if you decide to, here comes a spoiler alert--this movie gives us a similar twist as one in the modern-day classic Trick 'r Treat, but everything about that was superior to what Wicked Lake presents, from the acting to the likability of the girls to the unpredictability to the special effects to...literally everything. The full moon seems to imply they are werewolves, but they drink blood as if they're vampires, and also make reference to being witches. If they said exactly what they are supposed to be, I missed it, but it really doesn't matter. 

They ain't got nothing on this pack

 Naturally, there are attempts at humor, and not a bit of it draws so much as a slight laugh. There are exactly two things about Wicked Lake that surprised me: Ministry front-man Al Jourgensen makes a brief appearance in this film and also did the music for it, and Angela Bettis (Carrie, May), one of my personal favorite horror actresses, makes a very quick cameo. How these two legends in their own fields got roped into this mess of a film is beyond me, but if you are a fan of either, and need to see/hear absolutely everything they have ever done, check out this movie...there's no other reason to watch it. If you do decide to torture yourself, however, I'll let you know there are some shots that play during the credits--you'll be shocked to hear these are of the four women dancing and being naked, but if you have ever cared to hear what it would sound like if Ministry covered "What a Wonderful World", you may want to check it out; also, half way through the credits we get a bonus scene featuring a gag that was beaten to death all throughout the movie...you won't care about this.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Wicked Lake Movie Trailer

OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES

Oasis of the Zombies Movie Review

A group of treasure hunters come across a bunch of Nazi Zombies who are cursed to protect Nazi gold for eternity...or something. This 1982 French movie may remind some of a 1981 French film called Zombie Lake, and there are good reasons for this--aside from both revolving around Nazi zombies and being French, the films shared many of the same crew members, both were brought to us by Eurociné, a company infamous for their movies of questionable merits. Both have zombies that look like they were crafted by middle school children, and "legendary" director Jess Franco was connected to both--he declined the 1981 to direct this one, and was apparently so ashamed of this movie he used an alias for it (A.M. Frank). To put this info perspective, Franco was primarily known for directing "horror" films that were little more than sexploitation flicks before finally just switching to porn films, and then coming back to the horror genre with this "gem" and similar others. If you are familiar with Franco, and you're expecting Lina Romay to be in this movie, I'm sorry to disappoint. 

But here's a picture of her to make up for it

There is a huge difference between these French films--while both are technical disasters, Zombie Lake is at least somewhat entertaining--Oasis of the Zombies is an absolute bore. It starts off well enough, with two women coming across the zombies. From there, it falls apart. There's lots of gun fights. Then more gun fights. This is followed up with more gun fights. There's lot of nonsensical dialogue. An occasional zombie or naked chick is thrown in to try to keep your attention. Then more gun fights and talking about nothing important. The zombies are a strange bunch--aside from being Nazis, they are also apparently scared of the sun (part vampire?). The final scene is likely the best part of the film, and manages to build tension for just a few seconds before the zombies...vanish? With so many good zombie movies out there, and even ones that are not as much good as they are watchable, there is no reason to spend time with Oasis of the Zombies. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Oasis of the Zombies Movie Trailer

OFFERINGS

Offerings Movie Review

A kid is pushed down a well, then ends up in a psychiatric hospital. Ten years later, he breaks out and returns to seek revenge on the kids who were mean to him. Practically everything you see happen from this point on is a direct ripoff of the horror classic Halloween--unfortunately, nothing at all in this movie approaches the awesomeness of that film. The acting is horrible. The directing is a nightmare. The dialogue is rubbish. The story is boring. There is a little blood, and special effects so bad they're amusing...that's really all there is to say about this movie (remember, this IS called QUICK horror movie reviews!)

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Offerings Movie Trailer

SNUFF

Snuff Movie Review

There's an interesting story or two to this movie--not IN the movie, which is a train wreck, but more in the making of this film...or films, if you will. In 1971, married couple Michael and Roberta Findlay made a movie titled The Slaughter. This movie was basically a retelling of the Charles Manson Family's slaying of Sharon Tate, but shot in Argentina with a bunch of actors who couldn't speak English, so the movie was shot without sound and the voices dubbed...poorly...in post. The movie was (rightfully) shelved for four years. Producer Alan Shackleton, having caught wind of the urban legend of the existence of snuff films (a movie where an actual murder is committed specifically for the movie), took the 1971 film, added 10 minutes to the end of it, and renamed it Snuff. This story doesn't end there, however. Shackleton had the movie shown in a theatre in Times Square in Manhattan, hired a bunch of fake protesters to trump up excitement and controversy over the film, and made about $100,000 a week for the three weeks the movie played there.

"You with me so far?"

So the question has to be asked: was there ever any real reason to be concerned with this movie? The answer is a very hard no. After sitting through The Slaughter, itself holding little merit besides having that awesome early 1970's grindhouse look to it, we get the final 10 minutes, which is what was added on years later. In this scene, we see a movie crew, implying everything we just watched was, in fact, a movie, and all fake. We then see the crew attack and kill one of the actresses. It is this part of the film that is the alleged "snuff" portion, but it is so clearly fake I can't imagine anybody--straight, high, drunk, or otherwise--ever mistaking this for being a real murder. The special effects used in this part of the film are arguably worse than in the rest of the movie, and believe me when I tell you that's saying something. I credit Alan Shackleton for the success of his publicity stunt, but as movies go, there is really nothing to see here.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Snuff Movie Trailer

DEMON WIND

Demon Wind Movie Review

Cory (Eric Larson) gathers up some friends to visit a farm he has inherited. Once there, they find a mysterious building, demons, dense fog, witchcraft, and some other bits of weirdness, It seems as though the creators of this 1990 movie just thought about a bunch of stuff they had seen in other horror flicks and decided to throw all of it into the same film to see what will stick. Aside from everything I have already mentioned, we also have really cheesy early-90's special effects. We have the gratuitous nudity scene. We have the flashbacks. We have not one, but two magicians, and one is even some sort of karate man. We have the "it was all a dream" bait and switch. There's a creepy kid. There's a creepy doll. We even have the old guy at the gas station who knows everything, warns the youngsters not to continue to their destination, but they ignore him and press on anyway. Honestly, I could go on all day. For as hard as they try with all of this, none of it really works (though there is a part of me that always delights in seeing the special effects from this era).

Awesome!

The gore is minimal, the demons pretty much all look the same, and the demon voices...oh God, the demon voices! If you can pull off a good demon voice naturally (which I can--it's one of my few worthless talents), it makes for a good addition to a horror movie. When you take somebody doing a poor demon voice, then further mess it up by distorting it, it can sound awful, and for the life of me, I can't think of a movie I have ever seen that had worse demon voices than this one. The voices are so garbled at times you really can't make out what the character is saying. There's nothing interesting at all pushing the story along, the acting is abysmal, the action is boring, and the comedic elements are not even mildly amusing. Near the end of the movie, one of the characters cries out "Is it over? Is it really over?" and I responded out loud "I hope so!"

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Demon Wind Movie Trailer

DEMONIC TOYS 2: PERSONAL DEMONS

Demonic Toys 2 Movie Review

Collectors of toys and oddities and...other people...are stalked by demonic toys in an Italian castle. Coming a full 18 years after the original Demonic Toys, this film, which also crosses over with the movie Hideous!, is a sequel nobody in the world asked for, yet here we are. This Full Moon feature sort of picks up where the original film left off, with a couple of the original toys being restored to their original awfulness--this word actually works well in describing this entire movie. From the acting to the voices of the toys (one of whom is Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Go's) to the special effects to the story itself to the attempts at comedy to the dialogue to the directing to the editing, everything is just wrapped up with awfulness, and not much of it is even remotely entertaining.

I think she's trying to escape the movie

Near the end, we see the toys destroyed, and let us all pray they are never brought back (another installment is teased, but Full Moon has had mercy on us...so far). Unless you are trying to watch every movie Full Moon has ever created, there's really no reason to watch Demonic Toys 2.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Demonic Toys 2 Movie Trailer

WONDER VALLEY (2020)

Wonder Valley Movie Review

Four friends take a road trip, with the destination being a desert town called Wonder Valley. Once there, strange things happen. If you are a longtime reader, you may be thinking "Have you lost your mind, Josh? You already reviewed this movie", and for a good part of this film, I was thinking to myself "I swear I have already reviewed a movie called Wonder Valley, but this doesn't look familiar". Let me clear it all up for all of us--yes, I did indeed review a movie about four friends going to the desert town of Wonder Valley, and it was titled Wonder Valley, but this is an entirely different movie about four friends going to the desert town of Wonder Valley, and is also titled Wonder Valley.

"You're hurting my brain!"

This movie features four female friends. The lead chick is completely mental, one is completely deplorable, the two blondes are completely interchangeable, and all four are completely annoying. Once they arrive at the vacation home (which looks really cool), they take moonflowers, begin to hallucinate, then the rest is uneventful--it's pretty much up to you to decide if what you are seeing is really happening...if you care enough by this point. The acting is atrocious. There is Western themed music, which is fine, but it's the same few seconds on repeat, and played so loudly it's hard to hear what the characters are saying. There is nothing bordering on scary or suspenseful. If you have a love of the desert (as I do), you will enjoy the scenery and some of the shots, but honestly, there's nothing much more to this movie. Shot in 2017 but not released until 2020, this will be the first movie I have reviewed to get the 2020-2029 label...let's hope this decade's horror gets better.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Wonder Valley Movie Trailer

NIGHTMARE WEEKEND

Nightmare Weekend Movie Review

Hmm...Umm...Bear with me while I try to collect the words to describe the plot of this movie...okay, I quit. You can't really explain that which does not exist, so I will offer to you the pieces that do exist and were (presumably) used to try to create an actual story. There is a millionaire professor, his treacherous mistress, and his daughter living in a mansion, where they have created some all-knowing, all-powerful computer. There is a balding puppet with green hair and black lipstick in the shape of a heart--he talks for the computer...and offers the daughter advice about love and life.

Because I know you want proof of this

The computer allows the people to control...I don't know...random stuff? The daughter, for example, can control cars via the computer by playing the video game Turbo. Somehow the silver balls from pinball machines come into play, and turn people into monsters. And there's naked chicks and a little gore as well. Remember when I said I will watch any horror film from the 1980's? This is one of those, having taken the world by storm in 1986. I know this will come as a shock, considering what I have said to this point, but the acting is bad in this movie and it is shot very poorly. To make matters worse, almost everything you hear is dubbed, and my God, is it ever awful. If you are familiar with Troma, you will not be surprised to hear this nonsense was distributed by them--yes, I stuck with it even after seeing the Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz graphic at the start (I actually love this graphic). Some of the settings are kind of cool (such as an arcade), and the sheer curiosity of what will happen next will keep you going--not that you expect anything to make sense at any point. It's more a thought of "Can this getting any worse?...let's see!".

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Nightmare Weekend Movie Trailer

MIDSOMMAR

Midsommar Movie Review

A few Americans travel to Sweden to study a summertime ritual at a hippieesque commune. What they find there is a series of strange events, hallucinogenic drugs, and...well, nothing else really. This 2019 film starts off just fine--Dani's (Florence Pugh) sister kills herself and her parents. Dani turns to her boyfriend Christian (Jack Reynor) for support, but once they and a couple other friends make it to Sweden, the entire movie goes sideways. They arrive to a field full of people in all white--I personally would have turned the car around and headed back the opposite direction at this point, but these folks decided to join the Swedish meatballs in a shrooms-filled afternoon of doing nothing before arriving at the village, where everybody sings, dances, has supper all together, largely share one large room for sleeping, and perform various odd rituals, including a couple of old people launching themselves off a cliff.

"How sad..how are my flowers?"

Still, our Americans decide to stick it out, and are killed off one by one. This movie is quite unusual, but not in any good, or even interesting, way at all. It's a lot like both versions of The Wicker Man, but not as entertaining as either. The directing  and editing of the film are so pompous they're laughable--picture the annoying jock in high school trying to impress a girl by doing push-ups. From the upside down camera shot to the character going from one setting to the next without moving, you are rolling your eyes before even getting a fourth of the way into this journey. Speaking of time, the director's cut of this movie comes in at a staggering and obscenely arrogant 172 minutes, with a total of maybe...MAYBE...ten minutes of anything of any interest at all actually happening...this interest is limited to gore. The final half hour is brutally awful--my girlfriend suggested just turning the movie off, but I argued we made it this far into it, so we may as well see how it ends...I should have gone with her idea. We got this movie from Redbox, using a rent one, get one free promo. I deemed this one the free movie, and still feel ripped off.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Midsommar Movie Trailer

THE ALPHA INCIDENT

The Alpha Incident Movie Review

Deadly organisms from Mars are accidentally let loose on a train. At the next station the train (and the pace of the movie) come to a screeching halt, as a quarantine is ordered. What we're left with is a handful of uninteresting characters talking...and talking...and talking for the remainder of the film. Released in 1978, this movie is a true test of your dedication to making through a showing in one sitting. At 95 minutes, this movie truly feels at least twice as long. There is but one character in this movie who is somewhat likable and, of course, they kill him off before reaching the half-way mark.

"Spoiler Alert!"

Toward the end of the movie we FINALLY see what happens to the infected, and that is entertaining in a so bad it's good way, so there's that. Honestly, loyal readers, I wish there was more to say about this movie, but there really isn't. It's not an exaggeration to say that at least 98 percent of this movie is untalented actors reading the lines from a poorly written script with no story advancement, suspense, horror, or anything of any interest at all actually happening. In reality, this is two out of ten, but I'm feeling nice, so I'll add an extra point just for my man Buck Flower being in the film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

I couldn't find a trailer, but the entire movie is out there...I like you too much to link that here. 

A.M.I.

A.M.I. Movie Review

A woman loses her Mom in a car accident and does what any person would do--she downloads an A.I. app on her phone, manipulates the sounds so it resembles her mother's voice, and names the thing "Mother". Cassie's (Debs Howard) problems don't end there--her boyfriend cheats on her, often with her best friend, and her Dad is a creep. Once Mother figures all this out, she encourages Cassie to kill those around her. Believe it or not, I've managed to make this movie sound much more interesting that it actually is.

"Mom, he's being so mean!"

To call this movie a mess would be making it seem more entertaining than what we get--it's more a combination of everything I hate about people in the 21st Century and everything I hate about being bored. The dialogue is absurd, the characters--ALL the characters--are unlikable, the acting is atrocious, and the directing, the editing are poor at best, and the story...well, you know the story. Truly the only redeeming quality of this film is the gore--it's not lacking in blood and guts. The rest, however, is far too much to sit through for those few moments of enjoyment. Do yourself a favor and scroll right on past this movie.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

A.M.I. Movie Trailer

THE BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER

The Blancheville Monster Movie Review

Emilie (Ombretta Colli) returns home to find her father has been disfigured, the help has changed, and she only has five days to kick the family curse, or else she will die the day she turns 21. Along the way, he father is encouraging her to just go ahead and die because, hey, it's really not too bad! This is still another Italian Gothic tale from my Chilling Classics collection, and is as sleep-inducing as most of the rest. 

"You feel your eyelids getting heavier..."

Allegedly inspired by the works of Poe, this movie seems more a mess created all on its own. Have you ever been so bored you watched a snail crawl from one destination to another? I haven't either, but I can imagine it moves along faster than this film does...and is probably more entertaining. Colli seems confused by everything that is happening around her--not the character, the actress--and her acting skills far outweigh those of everybody else in the film. The makeup is laughable. The reveal at the end will make you yawn (assuming you are still awake at this point). The movie visually is identical to hundreds of others from this genre. The opening credits are actually kind of cool, and some of the director's shots are a bit interesting--I'm in a really good mood right now, so I am trying to be positive and think of some good things to say about this film....I have nothing more.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

The Blancheville Monster Movie Trailer

SHARKMAN (aka Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy)

Sharkman Movie Review

Scientist Dr. King (Jeffrey Combs, Re-Animator, Dark House) tries to save his son from cancer by turning him into a human-shark hybrid creature. Tom (William Forsythe, Halloween, Raising Arizona) and Amelia (Hunter Tylo) are the heroes trying to stop the madman and his blood-thirsty son. This movie has two things going against it right out of the boxes, and both are even worse than the plot--this is a SyFy Original, and William Forsythe is the lead AND the hero. Had I known these facts prior to starting the movie I may not have watched it, but commit to it I did, and regret doing so I do. We may think the presence of of Combs would off-set all the negativity, but he seems beyond bored with this movie, and is given little opportunity to shine. As for our shark-man, most of the time we see him it is done with super quick cuts, and we don't get a great look at him.

Here's a bad look at him

The story is as lame as you are probably thinking, and it plays out worse than you are imagining. The movie looks cheap, the acting is dreadful, the "action" scenes are lacking, and the death scenes are all a bunch of quick cuts with some blood thrown in. SyFy movies are pretty much all awful, but many are at least entertaining--Sharkman is not one of these. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Sharkman Movie Trailer

ATOM AGE VAMPIRE

Atom Age Vampire Movie Review

After a woman is disfigured in a car accident, a mad doctor finds a cure, bringing back her beauty--unfortunately, this requires the doc to kill other people for the special serum required to keep the woman, who he has now fallen for, unscarred. The first thing you must know about this movie (a fact that would have stopped me from watching this at all) is that, despite the title, there are no vampires in this film. This is an Italian film that was originally titled Seddock, l'erede di Satana--this properly translates to Seddock, the Heir of Satan, but somehow, somebody mistranslated, and when it was released in the States, the movie was titled Atom Age Vampire.

"Stai scherzando?"

This one comes from 1960, and to call it a snoozefest would be insulting to some of the better insomnia treatments out there. Our doctor does inject himself with an old version of his serum to make himself a monster of sorts in order to kill, but that's every bit as interesting as it sounds. Some of the scenes of the doctor killing the victims are mildly entertaining, but that's as much as you are going to get from this movie. The remainder is slow, tired, and uninspired. When looking for a creepy older movie for Halloween, do yourself a favor and skip this one. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Atom Age Vampire Movie Trailer

SLASHED DREAMS (aka Sunburst)

Slashed Dreams Movie Review

Spoiler--I am going to summarize everything that happens in this movie in five sentences. Ready? Jenny (Kathrine Baumann) and Robert (Peter Hooten) decide to hike through the woods for what seems an eternity to visit an old friend named Michael (horror legend Robert Englund, in just his second film). Along the way, Jenny is raped by two rednecks. Robert, bent on revenge, wrestles one of the rednecks in the mud for a minute before the rapists get away. Michael tells Jenny everything will fine. The movie ends, presumably with everything indeed being fine.

"There's more than that! There's also....umm..."

In between all this "excitement" we have melodrama involving some other young people at school, extended establishing shots, skinny dipping, and horrible music courtesy of songwriter Ed Bogas and singer Roberta Van Dere, who sounds like Tiny Tim on a really bad night. The acting, especially from some of the actors near the start of the film, is bad--Englund is far and away the most talented here, though he is still quite a ways from attaining the awesomeness we would get from him the following decade. If you are considering watching this movie just because you are a fan of the future Freddy, be warned--he doesn't show up until there's about 20 minutes left in the film. Speaking of A Nightmare On Elm Street, one can only assume the title of this movie was changed from Sunburst to Slashed Dreams to capitalize on the success of Englund's horror breakthrough, though I could find no proof of this. A fact I did come across that will be interesting only to myself  is that Hooten was born in Clermont, Florida, a town I frequent. The pacing of this film is...well, there really isn't any, but it is very consistent in delivering the dullness. Other than the brief time Englund graces us with his presence, there really isn't much to see here. Put it on if, and only if, you are having difficulty getting to sleep.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Slashed Dreams, the entire movie. Insomniacs, you're welcome

THE REVENGE OF DOCTOR X (aka Venus Flytrap)(aka Body of the Prey)

The Revenge of Doctor X Movie Review

Dr. Bragan (James Craig), a scientist, uses thunder, lightning, a Venus flytrap and some other nonsense to create a flesh-eating mutant plant.

Specifically, THIS flesh-eating mutant plant

If you decide to watch this movie, and want to see this monster, patience is a must--I'm not sure how long into the movie the creature finally shows up, but I estimate it to be around 17 hours in...or at least it feels that long. In the meantime, this movie offers little more than bad acting from Craig and his assistant, Dr. Noriko Hanamura (Atsuko Rome)--in fact, Craig's performance is one of the worst you will likely ever see, as he randomly shouts his lines for no apparent reason, and laughs like a buffoon for even less reason. I don't often turn a movie off, but Craig's performance is so horrendous I was really close to giving up on this one. The title is misleading--there is no revenge, and no Doctor X for that matter. You can also ignore the credits--what you see is actually the credits for a movie titled Mad Doctor of Blood Island. Hanamura and Bragan briefly enlist the help of a group of women on a beach--they're topless, just because...or perhaps to wake the viewer up, as we are more than midway through the film by this point. The ending is ridiculous, but did provide a laugh, as it reminded me of one of the all-time great movie endings.

Fantastic!

All the randomness, awfulness, and ridiculousness may make a bit more sense when you learn the film was based on a movie script written by none other than the legendary Ed Wood, though he is uncredited as the writer of this movie. Until the blood-thirsty plant finally made an appearance, I was ready to give this movie a 2--the botanical beast brought it up a point.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

I couldn't find a trailer, but here's the entire movie

STAUNTON HILL

Staunton Hill Movie Review

A group of friends on their way to Washington D.C. end up stranded and staying on a farm. What they don't know, however, is the family living there has a dark secret. I saw this 2009 film for sale at a second-hand store, noticed it was directed by George A. Romero's son G. Cameron Romero, and, considering the genes of the director, decided it was worth a buck to buy it and give it a shot--I'm still considering taking the DVD back and asking for a refund. We find out immediately this film is set in 1969, but if you happen to be grabbing a quick snack or drink when that shows and you miss it, you will never guess this is set in that time. Nothing at all about this movie would indicate this is set in 1969--it feels much more like people in 2009 occasionally dropping some 1960's lingo for no apparent reason. The actors delivering these lines even seem uncomfortable with the phrases! If you are going to make a movie set in the past, at least TRY to make it look authentic! If you don't, what's the point? Just set the movie in modern times and let it go!

Does this say 1960's to you?

Our issues, however, don't end there. I mentioned the acting, but my goodness, it gets even worse from there. Not a single actor in this film is even remotely talented. The characters are all one-dimensional, and, naturally, include the cliche country folk. As bad as the acting is, much of the post-production work, especially the sound editing, which is nothing short of atrocious, is even worse. The story itself is pretty much straight up slasher, with varying degrees of satisfaction--most of what we get is rather uninspired, including one of the most predictable "twists" you will ever see. Back to the director--Romero sure doesn't have the magic touch his father had, but there is a nod to Night of the Living Dead thrown in, so there is that. My beloved readers, should you happen to come across Staunton Hill at your local Salvation Army and wonder if it's worth the dollar they are asking, rest assured--it's not.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Staunton Hill Movie Trailer