V/H/S/99

V/H/S/99 Movie Review

The year is 1999, and the fear is Y2K--actually, that's kind of mentioned a bit in passing in this film, but isn't a major concern--I just like how the year is 1999, and the fear is Y2K sounds. A Shudder Original, V/H/S/99 marks the fifth entry in the V/H/S series, and the sixth in the franchise (Siren, a spin-off of the original V/H/S, is in the mix as well). As with the others, the premise is a series of horrors caught on VHS and presented as an anthology. We are missing the usual wraparound story, however--instead, we get a bit of an interlude between them. These feature stop-motion action starring toy soldiers, shot by a character we will see in one of the stories later on. 

The Germans didn't fare well

Our first segment is titled "Shredding". An irritating, self-titled "punk" band (their music doesn't sound punk at all, but don't get me started on that) enjoys skateboarding, making bad music, and pulling pranks--to build a fan base, they record all this and put it on something fairly new called the World Wide Web.

"Pretend we're dead"

Their latest stunt is breaking into an abandoned music venue that once caught fire, killing a somewhat less annoying, somewhat more punk band a few years prior.

They're no L7 either

The results are predictable, but man, you have to love the practical effects used here. The characters in the band are just unlikable enough that you cheer for their demise, though you may feel for the poor drummer. We're not off to a great start, but once the band made it underground, this one got exciting.

Next up is "Suicide Bid". Would you let a group of really annoying women bury you alive overnight so you can join their group? A seemingly smart college student name Lily proves her bulb doesn't glow so bright after all when she agrees to do just that. The group is the most evil of all--a sorority. I could live hundreds of lifetimes and never understand why people subject themselves to the things they do to join college fraternities and sororities, but that's not what we're here to talk about. The reason for the burial also has something to do with a local urban legend, and you know that's going to come into play. While it's hard to feel sorry for Lily (she did voluntarily put herself in this situation), you can certainly understand her fear, and the terror creeps up in this segment, leading to a wonderful ending. 

Looks wonderful to me!

Wanna play a game? If so, our next segment, "Ozzy's Dungeon", might be for you! Ozzy's Dungeon is a children's game show--picture Double Dare in The Upside Down, with the Fly Girls from In Living Color, and hosted by Wayne Newton on cocaine.

"Can this be real?"

The gameshow has an unbeatable obstacle course, and when one contestant gets seriously injured during the course, her family is out for revenge. They capture the host (actually Steven Ogg of The Walking Dead fame) and force him to go through a homemade version of the course. This segment starts off strong, but really drops off once it gets to the revenge part. From there, it kind of drags to the point of becoming boring. Stick with it though--the ending is beyond bizarre, and has a fun little twist. 

It made me grin too

The toy soldiers story takes an unexpected turn, then transitions into the next segment, "The Gawkers". A group of teen boys with a video camera go around the neighborhood recording themselves doing stupid stuff and spying on girls. When a woman moves across the street, they all go full obsessed and, from one of the boy's bedroom, watch her every move. When they convince the little brother to secretly install a camera on her computer, however, the boys have gone too far--and the woman knows it. What they want is to see her naked; what they get is...well, half that, but so much more. I really liked this segment. The boys, for as annoying as they could be, were somewhat likable in their innocent idiocy. They were like a group of guys who have never had a girl even talk to them, and their interactions actually felt very real. The reveal of the woman was awesome, and the resulting onslaught was both classic and original. This was the best of the installments. 

What's Gorgon on here?

A couple buddies are hired to document a ritual performed by a coven of witches. Their purpose? Summon a demon to take over the body of Kirsten, a woman who has volunteered to be there (what's up with these people volunteering for these things?). An uninvited demon arrives, however, and as the witches cast it back to hell, it drags the two videographers with it. The guys must now find a way back home. That's what's happening in "To Hell and Back", the final segment of the movie. This one looks absolutely stunning, and, in many ways, may be exactly what you picture hell to look like. The practical effects are fantastic, and the creatures look frightening. You may recognize a couple people in this story--Joseph Winter and Melanie Stone of Deadstream are both here--in fact, if you look close enough, you may recognize at least one other character from that movie too. As was the case with that film, this one is heavy on comedy--unfortunately, there's more miss than hit this time, and, with such a wonderful set, you wish they would have focused more on the horror. While still a fine segment, ending the movie with this one makes it feel like it went out with a whimper. 

That's no reason to turn your back on it!

As is always the case with anthology movies, some segments are better than others--"The Gawkers" stands above the rest for sure. "Suicide Bid" is also very solid from start to finish. The remaining three are a bit unbalanced--there's a lot to sit through with "Shredding" to get to a decent ending; "Ozzy's Dungeon", the weakest overall, starts off on fire, goes ice cold, then picks back up for the closing minutes; "To Hell and Back" looks phenomenal, but otherwise is nothing great. I believe an anthology film should be like a rock concert--start off hot and finish hot. With that in mind, I would have kicked this movie off with "Suicide Bid" and ended it with "The Gawkers", which they kind of, sort of did, but not really. That aside, V/H/S/99 was a fun movie. More often than not, practical effects were used, and they looked great. The stories were interesting, and there were some genuinely creepy moments. Stay tuned for the credits to enjoy a post-credits scene, and some Danzig awesomeness while the credits roll. When I reviewed V/H/S/94, I said it was the best of the series since the original film--this one is even better, and is just as good as the first movie. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

V/H/S/99 Movie Trailer

BAD CANDY

Bad Candy Movie Review

A couple disc jockeys on radio station 66.6 tell spooky tales on Halloween, resulting in an anthology movie filled with stories that all intertwine at least somewhat--picture Trick 'r Treat, only not nearly as good. Before we move on, I know you may be wondering about that radio station--it's a horror movie, so it's all silly fun, but, of course, 66.6 cannot be an actual station--judging by scene featuring the drug dealer listening to it in an old Bonneville, we know it's a regular radio station, and it appears to actually be in the 105 territory. That said, the FCC would have a field day with this show. You probably know the DJs--one is Zach Galligan (Billy from Gremlins) and the other is Corey Taylor from the band Slipknot--picture Mr. Bungle, only knot nearly as good. 

Thank me later 

Back to the movie--there are more stories in this feature than I care to dive too deeply into (this is supposed to be QUICK horror movie reviews, after all), but I'll briefly touch on each. The whole thing starts off surprisingly well, with some really nice Halloween settings to get us in the mood, and a clown turning a brat of a kid into a toy. The clown will pop up throughout, ala Sam from the aforementioned Trick 'r Treat. 

Hi Jack

We then have a girl with the ability to bring her drawings to life--this may come in handy as she battles her drunken redneck stepdad who, if nothing else, has good taste in retro furniture. 

Look out, Ben

It's in this story we begin to see how bad the CGI is, and man, is it ever terrible. There's not much, if any, improvement throughout the rest of the movie, which is all the more disappointing in that the practical effects, when used, are actually okay. More disappointing is the movie as a whole kind of falls off the cliff after the first twenty minutes. There's an old feller putting razor blades in candy--he ends up with the razor blades in his own throat, kind of like in Night of the Demons (anybody else noticing a pattern here?). 

The shirt I'm wearing right now looks just like this one...seriously

From there, we see a drug dealer at a Halloween party--the dude reminds me of a million guys I knew back in my Ohio days--I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but that doesn't matter--he ends up in the Bonneville and eventually in a bathroom, where he is stalked and finally meets his demise in a scene similar to one from Scream 2. 

Never press your ear against the stall!

A woman leaves the party to go to work in the morgue and starts to seduce a dead guy. When he appears to come back to life, she flips out, looks like she's on an acid trip, and sees cadavers turn into zombies. Some guy attacks some woman at her house and chases her to a playground, where there's a battle to the death. A rideshare driver and his buddies kidnap some people with questionable morals, tie them up, put large pumpkins on their heads, and set them loose to be stalked by their friend. 

LENNY!

The woman in the morgue installment is dull and ramped up only slightly when the corpse appears to come to life. The cat and mouse between the man and woman offers nothing of any real interest. The story with pumpkinheaded people is painfully bad, especially in its brutally horrible attempts at humor; Lenny, however, looks so fantastic it almost makes up for the time it takes to get to him. The movie ends with a story of a house burning down, and ties directly to the gents at the radio station. The final little twist is surprisingly satisfying, if not a bit predictable. 

Here's a hint

Bad Candy is one of those movies that has loads of potential, but comes up short in practically every way it can. To even the casual viewer, the most obvious shortcoming will be in the special effects category. The CGI looks like some of the worst stuff to come from SyFy Originals--maybe even worse. I get that there are people who are into this, and, if given the right type of movie, I am too--this isn't that type of movie. They also tried to do way too much. Perhaps had they picked three of the more interesting stories and expanded on them instead of stretching about a half dozen uninspired yarns out to around 103 minutes, a better movie would have resulted. This brings us to the third major issue--lack of originality. I pointed out a few examples, but believe me when I tell you, there are many more instances of thievery going on here. The acting leaves a lot to be desired as well, though Taylor's performance as Chilly Billy was better than I expected. Bad Candy does have a couple bright spots, but it's safe to say it will never become a Halloween tradition in my household.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Bad Candy Movie Trailer

V/H/S/94

V/H/S/94 Movie Review

Remember the days of VHS? The filmmakers here sure do (or at least pretend to), and they are bringing them back in a most 1990's way. Yes, this is the fourth movie in a series that previously brought us V/H/S, V/H/S/2. and V/H/S: Viral. 

"I like them"

We begin with "Holy Hell", which serves as the wraparound story. A SWAT team raids a warehouse, where they discover dead bodies, evidence of ritualistic sacrifices, and other signs of degenerative behavior from a cult group. This is all loud, with tons of audio effects and screaming people, guns, and so on. This part is not written particularly well--in fact, the dialogue is abysmal, and the story is only mildly interesting, leading to a plot twist that is obvious. 

They look suspicious

The first full story we get is "Storm Drain". A news reporter (Anna Hopkins) and camera operator (Christian Potenza) go on location to a storm drain to report on the local legend of a half man, half rat that hangs out in the sewers of Westerville, Ohio, a suburb of my hometown, Columbus. Much like the opening, this one is not written well, with dull dialogue. The reporter interviews a few people, including a guy with an assault rifle who likely wouldn't be allowed within the city limits of Westerville in real life. Another person interviewed is a minister, and he makes a return later in a big way. This one, like every segment in this anthology, borrows heavily from many other films--the ritualistic stuff is fair, but the reveal of the mutant monster is impressive, with a cool creature feature throwback feel. The practical effects, especially with the closing moments, are satisfying as well. The closing also mentions a pumpkin festival of some sort, reminding me of Circleville, Ohio--references to places I grew up only add to my enjoyment of this segment. 

I could see this coming out of Circleville

Next up is "The Empty Wake". A dead man's family requests his wake be recorded all night, and poor Hayley (Kyal Legend) is assigned the job of staying with the body. We find the man had committed suicide, and was so badly mangled the casket is closed. There's not much turn out, and Hayley spends almost the entire time alone--until, of course, the dead man comes to life. This segment does a nice job with a slow burn type approach--not a lot is happening, but with every small step, the tension, and Hayley's fear, builds. What we see when the man emerges from the casket is nothing short of frightening, and the closing minutes of this segment are fantastic. 

If this casket's a-rockin'

In "The Subject", Dr. James Suhendra is experimenting with machine-human hybrids. He is a wanted man, and the police soon track him down, killing him somewhat in cold blood. The police force then find themselves trapped in the building, and doing battle with Suhendra's subjects. Grey area is created when one of the police officers tries to help one of the hybrid monsters, who herself realizes what she has been turn into. Both the best and worst of this segment come visually. The hybrids, especially the one we get the camera point of view from, look stunning. Unfortunately, a decent story gives way to gunfire, gunfire, and more gunfire. Worst of all, once the action really gets going, it looks like we're watching somebody play a first-person shooter video game. I've enjoyed playing those games a time or two in my day (I can't tell you how many quarters I put into the "House of the Dead" arcade back in the day), but watching somebody else play them--especially when what I am trying to watch is a movie--is not my cup of tea. 

Reload!

The final segment is "Terror". In some attempt to make America great again, a wacko militia redneck group that looks like they may be from the aforementioned Circleville plans on bombing a government building in Detroit. Strapped with guns and a combined IQ that would struggle to reach triple digits, the men document their grand plan. Their weapon? The blood of a vampire they have captured. How to use said weapon? Inject the blood into animals and allow sunlight to hit them, blowing them, and everything around them, to bits. The idea is cool, and when the idiots inevitably face off with the vampire, we find the creature looks quite unique and terrifying. Visually, this one has what we expect as well, as it legitimately looks like somebody's home recording from the early 1990's. The beginning of "Terror" is rough, but my goodness, does it ever turn out to be more entertaining than it had any business being. 

If this doesn't say Circleville...

If you gave up on this franchise after Viral, you may want to come back to the series. This one is a Shudder exclusive, and at the time of its release, it was the most successful movie premiere for the streaming service. While not quite as good as the first V/H/S/, it is a step up from the second outing, and much better than Viral. I wish the wraparound story was better, and that "The Subject" would not have gone all "Doom" on us, but "Storm Drain" and "The Wake" are decent, and "Terror" is borderline must-see. The fifth installment, titled V/H/S/99, has been announced, with a release date of October 20, 2022--V/H/S/94 has made me somewhat excited to see this. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

V/H/S/94 Movie Trailer

SLASHER (Season One)

Slasher Season One Review

It's Halloween 1988, and a maniac enters a couple's home, murders them, and removes the baby from the wife's body. Fast forward to present time, and the baby, Sarah (Katie McGrath), is grown, and with her husband Dylan (Brandon Jay McLaren), purchases and moves into the house where her parents were killed--because that sounds like a wonderful idea. No word on where Sarah was for thirty years, but judging by her accent, I'd say she spent some time in Ireland. 

"Why would you say...oh"

Slasher was a series on the now-defunct Chiller...

Anybody else remember, and miss, this?

..and in 2016, this is the season that kicked it all off. The series ran four seasons, with each season consisting of eight episodes. This first season was titled The Executioner, and it doesn't take long to learn why. With Sarah's return to Waterbury (before you start watching, I'll save you the time--it's a fictional place in Canada), there also comes another wave of the murders, with the killer dressing identically to the original killer--this is no spoiler, as we learn early the original killer is in prison. As the executions continue, Sarah visits her parents' killer, Tom Winston (Patrick Garrow), in prison, seeking advice on how to capture the new assassin. This all very much has a Silence of the Lambs vibe to it, which brings me to the primary drawback of this season--so much of what is happening feels stolen from established films. Another glaring example of this is the killer bases his (or her?) murders on the seven deadly sins.

"Sounds familiar"

We see that immoral acts have taken place for decades in the small town, and it seems nobody is innocent. There is a decent story underneath it all, and several twists and turns are added along the way to attempt to justify eight episodes. Had they cut away some of the subplots and shortened this down to four episodes it would have been much stronger...or, if you were going to have so many subplots, fill in the gaps for all (what did Robin ever do about that huge debt?). Much of the acting leaves plenty to be desired, as the cast is certainly a case of taking the bad with the good. These setbacks aside, there is plenty to enjoy as well. This is a horror series, and when you have a killer wearing some sort of mask and/or costume, you want it to look cool, and this one looks...

Killer

There is a good amount of blood and guts for the gorehounds out there, and it's fun trying to figure out who the killer is (my girlfriend called it four episodes in). Some of the death scenes are unique, and the small town setting and scenery are visually pleasing. This is the only season I've watched at this time, but I have read the series was similar to American Horror Story in that several actors appear throughout as different characters--unfortunately, The Executioner, while fun at times, doesn't give the viewer the excitement of looking forward to the next season.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Slasher Season One Trailer

TALES OF HALLOWEEN

Tales of Halloween Movie Review

 It's Halloween Night in the 'burbs, and there's madness around every corner. Adrienne Barbeau seemingly reprises her DJ role from The Fog, and she's with us for this ride, introducing many of the stories we are about to see. Ten segments make up this 2015 horror anthology, so let's get right into it. 

Sweet Tooth

Our first story shows a couple teens picking on a kid, letting him know that if he doesn't leave some of his candy for local legend Sweet Tooth, the creature will seek revenge. 

"Make it a full-sized Snickers"

We get a ton of gore to start us off, and a fairly interesting story to boot. The acting is shaky (that's being nice), and the flashback scene is more irritating than anything. Still, this was a solid start to the film, and it left me wondering how Sweet Tooth would do as a standalone feature film. 

The Night Billy Raised Hell

Mr. Abbadon (Barry Bostwick from The Rocky Horror Picture Show) catches young Billy in the act of egging his house. He brings Billy into the house, and takes another youngster in the same outfit for a night of terror around the neighborhood. 

Looking for their next victims

This one is heavy on the comedy, but unfortunately, isn't really funny. It's not particularly scary either, but sort of redeems itself with a little twist ending. The one thing that stands out about this entry is the lighting--it's fantastic.

Trick

Four adults are terrorized when a group of kids invade their home. This outing starts off slowly, as we are briefly introduced to the adults--this is just long enough to find them uninteresting, and slightly annoying, but that is strangely the point (it makes sense, trust me). Why are the kids doing this?

The why is just out of the shot here

If The Night Billy Raised Hell took the foot off the gas for this movie, Trick pressed it back down. The segment is vicious, gory, and has a fantastic twist at the end. 

The Weak and the Wicked

A boy dressed in a home-made superhero outfit and sporting a stopwatch stops three bullies from torturing a young boy, telling them he is there to "spill the blood of the wicked". When confronted by the bullies, our hero gets scared and runs away. Is he running out of fear, or for another reason?

Tick tock

Once the bullies catch up with the fleeing fella, we get a flashback scene, and learn who these four people are--to say they have a history, and that the Viking-helmeted hero has a very good reason for seeking revenge, is an understatement. The ending of this story is bloody and terrific. This was probably my favorite segment in this movie. 

Grim Grinning Ghost

An older lady (Lin Shaye of the Insidious franchise) tells the story of Mary Bailey, a girl who was made fun of her entire life for having a deformed face. The story goes she comes back from the dead to laugh at the living behind their backs. The lady's daughter gets creeped out, and when she has to walk home after her car breaks down, she thinks she is hearing laughter, sending her into a near-panic. 

As if this walk wasn't scary enough

This segment will leave you feeling a little on edge, as the tension is built quickly. The payoff is one you will see coming, and will miss if you blink it, but is one that is satisfying. The real question is how long will it be before Disney finds out about the title of the segment and puts together a lawsuit?

Ding Dong

A woman is distraught about not having children, making Halloween a night of misery for her. She turns into a demonic looking witch, and unleashes the fury on her poor husband, clawing his face. A year later, on Halloween Night, they are dressed as Hansel and the witch from Hansel and Gretel, and excited to be handing out candy. Side note: as I watched this, I was trying to figure out who the actress is. It turns out she's Pollyanna McIntosh, known as Jadis to fans of The Walking Dead.

What did you do with Rick?!!

The approach of this segment is almost exclusively that of comedy, so don't look for any scares here. This story is not really funny, but certainly very quirky, and entertaining enough that you will keep watching. 

This Means War

A traditional Halloween fan is dismayed when new, loud neighbors (including James Duval) decorate their yard with gory effects and loud, heavy metal music. The man gets furious over the loud music, and the battle is on!

John the Mod goes metal!

I don't know why the guy was so upset--while certainly no fan of most metal, I would happily take that over the "music" my neighbors feel the need to share with the rest of the neighborhood. This is another segment that forgoes any bit of horror for a straight comedic approach, but there's really not much to it. The eventual fight is uninspired, and the finale is not unexpected. There is a dude in the crowd who looks like The Blue Meanie though, so there's that.

Friday the 31st

This one starts off with a woman running from a deformed guy (or a regular looking guy in a cheap mask...whichever) carrying a severed head. She ends up in his shed, where she finds he has a collection of heads. She escapes, only to be killed when he tosses a spear about thirty yards and directly through her. This obvious nod to slasher films then takes an unexpected turn when a U.F.O. flies over, and out of it appears a small alien looking to do some trick or treating.

Seriously

What starts off as a horror approach takes a quick turn to comedy when the little green guy shows up, and stays there until the end. It actually produced a moment, soon after the alien crawled into the woman's mouth, that made me laugh loudly, but it went south quickly from there. The segment ends with a showdown that reminded me of Freddy vs Jason, or a Monty Python bit. This segment started strong, but unfortunately, fell apart. 

The Ransom of Rusty Rex

Two crooks decide to kidnap the child of a millionaire. Once they have him and remove his Halloween mask, however, they realize they have picked up more than they bargained for. For some reason, when I saw the reveal, the first thing I thought of was the cover boy of 1980's tabloid magazines, but he was actually played by the late Ben Woolf from American Horror Story.

Rusty...not Bat Boy

Speaking of the 1980's, director John Landis has a cameo in this one, playing the aforementioned millionaire. This one is also much more comedy than horror, but lacks any laughs and is just kind of there.  

Bad Seed

A jack-o-lantern comes to life and bites its maker's head off. Now the police are searching the town for it.

I think she found it

Another legendary director, Joe Dante, pops up in this one. More than anything, this segment ties the rest together. The killer in this one, of course, looks ridiculous, but the pumpkin display it hides in looks cool, and the final shot is impressive. Unfortunately, this wasn't a great story to end the movie with. 

Honestly, Tales of Halloween was a fun watch. While not on the scale of the great horror anthologies such as Trick 'r Treat or Creepshow, it is certainly better than most similar movies, especially the ones that have come out the past 30 years. It would have benefitted from more horror and less comedy--that said, nothing here is so bad it's unwatchable, and the better segments are quite enjoyable. One thing I really loved about this movie is it truly captures a Halloween feel. We have seen countless movies that are set during Halloween but don't deliver that feeling of it--this movie nails it in this department. Also be on the lookout for references to other horror films, as this is full of them. It may never become a go-to every Halloween for me, but I can say my first viewing of Tales of Halloween won't be my last.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Tales of Halloween Movie Trailer

BORDELLO DEATH TALES

Bordello Death Tales Movie Review

This is a low budget horror anthology, featuring three stories from three different directors, with the common element being a bordello run by Madame Raven (Natalie Milner).

The only thing more lacking than her facial expression is her personality

We start with "The Ripper", which tells the tale of a serial killer who picks the wrong prostitute to bring home. Filled with loads of horribly fake looking blood, repulsive strippers, and unfunny comedy, this is a rough way to start the movie. The acting is bad--actually, let me get this out of the way now--unless otherwise mentioned, assume all the acting in all three of the segments is bad. This story unfolds exactly as you picture it will when it starts, so don't expect anything surprising. The one really interesting thing about this outing is the animation used to help the story along--this is really well done, and is the best thing about the first story.

And he's the worst thing about it

The second segment, "Stitchgirl", is by far and away the best and most entertaining of the three. A bordello regular has requested a new girl be created from the remains of other dead girls. This oddity made me think "This is what it would look like if Tim Burton remade The Bride of Frankenstein". The black and white presentation is visually pleasing, Stitchgirl (Eleanor James) looks cool, and the carnival-esque full-color scene is trippy in all the best ways (and features some of the most English looking people you will ever see). The conclusion of this story is a letdown, but otherwise, it's a fun watch.

Don't blink!

Our conclusion, "Vice Day", finds a man watching a webcam stripper, and trying to control his emotions. This is honestly the weakest of the three segments--for as poor as "The Ripper" was, at least something was happening in it to keep your attention. "Vice Day", on the other hand, just sort of plods along, with bad acting, a boring story, and mind-numbing dialogue. If "Stitchgirl" got the ball of this movie rolling fast, "Vice Day" brought it to an immediate halt, and sent this film off with a whimper.

I considered this while watching this segment too

If you care enough, stay tuned for a post-credit scene--if you decide against this, however, you're not missing a lot. I recommend checking out "Stitchgirl", but there's not much else to see with this 2009 anthology.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Bordello Death Tales Movie Trailer