THE SHED

The Shed Movie Review

A hunter named Bane (Frank Whaley, Vacancy) is attacked and turned into a vampire. He takes refuge from the sun in a shed on a farm. Teenager Stan (Jay Jay Warren) lives on said farm, and after he discovers the creature, he's not quite sure what to do with it--his best friend, and fellow bullied fella Dommer (Cody Kostro), on the other hand, has an idea. 

"Remember when Henry wanted to get rid of Billie?"

The premise seems cool, though the comparison to the Creepshow segment "The Crate" is glaring. I have always been a fan of Whaley, who I believe to be one of the more underrated actors of his time, but he is terribly underused in this movie--though, until they showed him in vampire form in the shed, I did picture him killing his victims in there with a 1964 Gibson SG. Speaking of acting, most of it in this film is atrocious--making this worse is the lack of any character being even somewhat likable. The dialogue adds to the misery, as it's mind-numbing and lazy. You may think "Ooh, I heard this is set in the 1980's, so that part will be cool!", and you will be disappointed. There are no cell phones, and we see some cassette tapes, but other than that, there's no real 80's feel here--that said, one of the many movie mistakes is seeing cars that came out decades after the 1980's ended. Looking for such mistakes was truly the highlight of this film, and it's enough to keep you going. The vampires look somewhat cool, so a bit of credit has to be given for this as well. This movie just sort of plods along--you don't care what happens to the characters, but curiosity over the vampire in the shed is there. Also there, most unfortunately, is the worst cover of "House of the Rising Sun" I have ever heard. There's nothing original or interesting going on in The Shed, and honestly, there's no reason to spend time with it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Shed Movie Trailer

VAMPIRE IN VEGAS

Vampire in Vegas Movie Review

Sylvian (horror legend Tony Todd) is a three-hundred year old vampire who has hired a genetic scientist (Delia Sheppard) to come up with a cure for his condition. The serum fails, and now vampires are wreaking havoc in, you guessed it, Las Vegas. The movie starts off with shots on and around The Strip in Vegas--as this is one of my favorite cities, I very much enjoyed this opening--unfortunately, it was all downhill from there. 

I stayed in that room once...up there...to the left

Oy, where to even begin? How about here--nothing in this movie borders on being even the least bit scary. Tony Todd seems bored out of his mind, and must have been wondering how his career led him to doing this movie. Despite having Vegas in the title, other than the opening (which I'm certain was stock footage), we don't see the city at all--in fact, much of the feature looks like it was shot on green screen. The CGI is horrendous. The vampires are strippers who look like they may have been plucked from a nearby porno shoot or plastic surgeon's office, and interestingly enough, there's no actual nudity in the film. 

Looks like surgeon's office it is

The acting (using this term is a stretch) is amateurish. The story is dreadful. The directing is uninteresting. The ending, if you can make it that far, is absurd--of course, you won't care by this point. There is a somewhat catchy techno song that plays over the credits--it probably isn't even that good; my excitement for this movie finally being over likely made it sound better than it actually was. If you are a Tony Todd fan, you may be tempted to watch this movie...don't. I am as big a fan as there is, and believe me when I say there's nothing to see here. We know our main man will take on just about any role, but he deserves better than Vampire in Vegas. I did, however, learn one very important lesson here--I'm never again letting my girlfriend pick a movie for me to watch.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 2

Vampire in Vegas Movie Trailer

HIDE AND GO SHRIEK

Hide and Go Shriek Movie Review

A group of high school kids go to a large furniture store, owned by one of their parents, to have a party. Unfortunately, a killer soon arrives, and a bloodbath ensues. I have to admit, before even watching a second of this film, I had already given it at least a star or two for having such a wonderful title. 

"It's totally rad"

On their way to the party, the youths all get out of the van and run around it before getting back in--I know what we called this back in the day, but I'm pretty sure if I say it now, somebody, somewhere will be offended--I'll just rename it the bored white kids with nothing better to do whilst stopped at a red light fire drill. 

I'm not sure they even do this in China

Once the youngsters are all at the store, this movie feels very familiar--if I say "a group of teens partying at a creepy location split up and explore the building", which movie are you picturing? That's rhetorical, but there are probably at least a dozen movies from the 1980's alone that fit this description--not that I'm complaining, as I am a fan of most, if not all, such flicks. One thing that certainly separates this from most is the first teen to go--I obviously won't give it away, but will say it surprised me. The ending is also somewhat of a surprise, but we'll save that for, well, the end. 

Hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves!

Aside from a few exceptions, the movie plays out as you expect--there's bad acting (but in that charming 1980's manner), the characters are largely interchangeable, the bodies begin falling as the survivors try to escape the killer...you get the picture. That said, for having such a large cast, the kills are few. The death scenes we do get are decent, and range from happening off screen to a beheading that may or may not have inspired a scene from Final Destination 2. There's not a lot of consistency with the killer--at times he seems to have Powers of Pain level strength, but when we finally see him, he's less Warlord and more Mulkey Brother. The lighting is bad for most of the film, though sometimes it does sort of look like some odd nod to the iris shots of the silent era--when viewed with that in mind, it's much more tolerable. Speaking of lighting, it gets splashed with lots of red in the final third of this movie--combined with the quick, frantic editing, the movie suddenly feels like a throwback to the grindhouse days. This all brings us to the ending, and the reveal of the killer--the surprise here is not so much in who he is, but rather his relationship with another character in the movie. Again, I won't journey off into spoilerville, but this was a movie element you didn't see a lot of in 1980's horror, so much credit must be given for uniqueness. If you measure Hide and Go Shriek in terms of what is traditionally considered to be a "good movie", it will fail--no, this is not a good movie, but all the bizarre individual elements do add up to form a very entertaining film, and one I can't help but to recommend. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Hide and Go Shriek Movie Trailer

CAVEAT

 

Caveat Movie Review

Barrett (Ben Caplan) hires Isaac (Jonathan French), a loner suffering from memory loss, to look after his mentally ill niece, Olga (Leila Sykes), for a week...in an abandoned house...out in the middle of nowhere...and on an island. Let us also add that Isaac has no idea where this island is, he can't swim, and, upon arrival, is told he has to wear a locked jacket with a heavy chain linked to it, and the other end of the chain is connected to the very dark, creepy basement. All of this adds up to my main issue with this movie--who would agree to keep this job? He is not forced into this in any way. We are also not told of any critical need for money Isaac may have. So why go through with this insane plan? 

"I had nothing better to do"

This 2020 film comes to us from Ireland, and is a Shudder Original, so head over there if you want to check it out...after reading this, of course. The film starts off well, with Olga creepily walking around the house, holding the most terrifying looking rabbit I've ever laid eyes on. 

She's seen enough of him

After a rough time getting Isaac in place for the rest of the story, the movie gets far more interesting. This is not a loud, in your face slasher type flick, but rather much more like a Japanese ghost story movie--a slow burn, with visually disturbing moments and an unnerving atmosphere. This is a three characters show, and to their credit, all three of these performers do a nice job--with less talented actors, this could have been a disaster. The final third of the movie brings plenty of suspense, a little blood, and some twists and turns, leading to an ending I suspect most will either love or hate--I lean toward the former. This film could have bordered on being outstanding had we been given a better reason for Isaac to accept this job (not to spoil anything, but near the end, we find even more reasons why he should have turned the money down)--as it is, Caveat is still a chilling horror movie that is certainly worth checking out. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Caveat Movie Trailer

LIFEFORCE

 

Lifeforce Movie Review

A spacecraft in charge of observing Halley's Comet comes across three human-looking space vampires...yes, you read that right. The creatures are brought to Earth, and, of course, chaos ensues. Meanwhile, Col. Tom Carlsen (Steve Railsback) seems to be falling for the female vampire, credited simply as "Space Girl" (Mathilda May)--she spends much of the first thirty minutes of the movie walking around naked and killing people.

This is all you're getting here

This 1985 film, directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre), was a disaster in just about every way possible upon release--it bombed in the box office, was panned by critics, and chopped up by editors. The movie can now be found in the form it was intended to be, but wow, is it ever a bizarre ride. I've really just kind of scratched the surface of the story, but that could be because I'm trying to make sense of the senseless--in fact, don't even bother trying to follow what is going on--just enjoy this movie for what it is. This flick really has it all--the good, the bad, and the so bad it's good, and this starts with the special effects. When they are good, they are fantastic, especially the practical effects. 

Vampire zombie thing

On the flip side, we have the bad...and it's really, really bad.

Outer space discothèque

The acting is much the same, and Railsback is so over the top at times you wonder if what you are seeing is amateur hour or absolute brilliance. There are scenes near the end that, for a few seconds, look like Ghostbusters slipped into some strange parallel universe. There is a fair amount of blood, and Patrick Stewart of X-Men fame even pops in for a little bit. The movie was based on a book titled The Space Vampires, and I don't have any idea how closely it follows said book, but at almost two hours (the uncut version I watched), the movie runs long. This all leads to an ending that is as baffling as the rest of the film. The world was not quite ready for Lifeforce when it was released in 1985...in fact, it probably still isn't ready for it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Lifeforce Movie Trailer

THE AMUSEMENT PARK

The Amusement Park Movie Review

An old man walks into an all-white room and asks another old man there if he would like to go outside--no, this isn't the start of a joke, but is the beginning of The Amusement Park (well, kind of. It actually begins with another old man telling the viewer what they are about to see). Anyway, the old man who was already in the room appears disheveled, and warns the much more optimistic elderly man against going outside. The other guy ignores him, and steps back out the door, and right into an amusement park. This movie from 1973 is about as unusual as it gets--it was commissioned as an educational video about age discrimination, but was directed and edited by George A. Romero...yes, THAT George A. Romero...so it turned out a bit more disturbing than was wanted, and was shelved. This was assumed to be lost entirely until, in 2017, a 16MM print was discovered. This was restored, and voila! The movie lives once more for the entire world to enjoy.

Enjoy is maybe not the correct term

The overall message of this film is that getting old sucks--I think most of us knew that already, but the levels of absolute hell we see the senior citizens in this film endure are gut-wrenching. Symbolism is the name of the game here--there's not much blood at all, and no gore, but my goodness, is this movie terrifying. The amusement park setting is fun, and the juxtaposition of that being the backdrop to the very real world problems presented in this feature is beyond surreal. More than anything, the movie is depressing--we see the old folks being treated poorly, but as I watched, an even more depressing thought entered my mind--everybody in this film, even the very youngest, are either dead, senior citizens themselves now, or at least well into their fifties and about to face the same problems our main character here deals with. If that thought wasn't depressing enough, another one popped in there --senior citizens today are probably treated even worse than they were almost fifty years ago. All this said, this flick, which is under an hour long, is worth checking out for the stylistic merits alone--it's not a traditional horror, but is unquestionably horrific.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

The Amusement Park Movie Trailer

BOAR

Boar Movie Review

A giant boar terrorizes people in the Australian Outback. Will life still be there tomorrow? That's the simple premise we have going on in this 2017 creature flick brought to us, surprisingly, by Universal. 

Coming soon to an HHN near you?

I was a little unsure I wanted to watch this one, but was sold once I saw horror legend, and the eternally cool, Bill Moseley had a part in it--he brings the awesomeness you would expect, though it is toned down from many of his more popular roles. John Jarratt is also here, playing essentially the same character he did in Wolf Creek, only as a good guy--I'm okay with this. Former pro wrestler Nathan Jones (Charlie's Farm) also pops in, and is oddly likable as Bernie, the big, goofy uncle who, at one point, sings along with Vanilla Ice.

"Yo...I don't know"

 As the movie plays on, we see an entire slew of characters pop up--to give you an idea, the credits have "Pub Goer #1", "Pub Goer #2", and so on, all the way through "Pub Goer #31". One would think this would result in an equal number of kills, but alas, the body count is relatively low. As for the giant creature, it is certainly a combination of the good and the bad. The poor piggy goes back and forth between being one of the CGI variety to a practical one--when the practical approach is taken, it looks really cool; when they went the CGI route, it was SyFy Originals bad. It is fun, however, watching the tusked terror change sizes from scene to scene. The ending is a letdown, the dialogue is a struggle, and the movie could have benefitted from more Bill Moseley and John Jarratt as well, but there is plenty to keep you going, especially the bloodshed...when it's not CGI. Don't go out of your way to watch Boar, but if a friend suggests it, shrug your shoulders, say "why not", and give it a go. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Boar Movie Trailer