V/H/S/99

V/H/S/99 Movie Review

The year is 1999, and the fear is Y2K--actually, that's kind of mentioned a bit in passing in this film, but isn't a major concern--I just like how the year is 1999, and the fear is Y2K sounds. A Shudder Original, V/H/S/99 marks the fifth entry in the V/H/S series, and the sixth in the franchise (Siren, a spin-off of the original V/H/S, is in the mix as well). As with the others, the premise is a series of horrors caught on VHS and presented as an anthology. We are missing the usual wraparound story, however--instead, we get a bit of an interlude between them. These feature stop-motion action starring toy soldiers, shot by a character we will see in one of the stories later on. 

The Germans didn't fare well

Our first segment is titled "Shredding". An irritating, self-titled "punk" band (their music doesn't sound punk at all, but don't get me started on that) enjoys skateboarding, making bad music, and pulling pranks--to build a fan base, they record all this and put it on something fairly new called the World Wide Web.

"Pretend we're dead"

Their latest stunt is breaking into an abandoned music venue that once caught fire, killing a somewhat less annoying, somewhat more punk band a few years prior.

They're no L7 either

The results are predictable, but man, you have to love the practical effects used here. The characters in the band are just unlikable enough that you cheer for their demise, though you may feel for the poor drummer. We're not off to a great start, but once the band made it underground, this one got exciting.

Next up is "Suicide Bid". Would you let a group of really annoying women bury you alive overnight so you can join their group? A seemingly smart college student name Lily proves her bulb doesn't glow so bright after all when she agrees to do just that. The group is the most evil of all--a sorority. I could live hundreds of lifetimes and never understand why people subject themselves to the things they do to join college fraternities and sororities, but that's not what we're here to talk about. The reason for the burial also has something to do with a local urban legend, and you know that's going to come into play. While it's hard to feel sorry for Lily (she did voluntarily put herself in this situation), you can certainly understand her fear, and the terror creeps up in this segment, leading to a wonderful ending. 

Looks wonderful to me!

Wanna play a game? If so, our next segment, "Ozzy's Dungeon", might be for you! Ozzy's Dungeon is a children's game show--picture Double Dare in The Upside Down, with the Fly Girls from In Living Color, and hosted by Wayne Newton on cocaine.

"Can this be real?"

The gameshow has an unbeatable obstacle course, and when one contestant gets seriously injured during the course, her family is out for revenge. They capture the host (actually Steven Ogg of The Walking Dead fame) and force him to go through a homemade version of the course. This segment starts off strong, but really drops off once it gets to the revenge part. From there, it kind of drags to the point of becoming boring. Stick with it though--the ending is beyond bizarre, and has a fun little twist. 

It made me grin too

The toy soldiers story takes an unexpected turn, then transitions into the next segment, "The Gawkers". A group of teen boys with a video camera go around the neighborhood recording themselves doing stupid stuff and spying on girls. When a woman moves across the street, they all go full obsessed and, from one of the boy's bedroom, watch her every move. When they convince the little brother to secretly install a camera on her computer, however, the boys have gone too far--and the woman knows it. What they want is to see her naked; what they get is...well, half that, but so much more. I really liked this segment. The boys, for as annoying as they could be, were somewhat likable in their innocent idiocy. They were like a group of guys who have never had a girl even talk to them, and their interactions actually felt very real. The reveal of the woman was awesome, and the resulting onslaught was both classic and original. This was the best of the installments. 

What's Gorgon on here?

A couple buddies are hired to document a ritual performed by a coven of witches. Their purpose? Summon a demon to take over the body of Kirsten, a woman who has volunteered to be there (what's up with these people volunteering for these things?). An uninvited demon arrives, however, and as the witches cast it back to hell, it drags the two videographers with it. The guys must now find a way back home. That's what's happening in "To Hell and Back", the final segment of the movie. This one looks absolutely stunning, and, in many ways, may be exactly what you picture hell to look like. The practical effects are fantastic, and the creatures look frightening. You may recognize a couple people in this story--Joseph Winter and Melanie Stone of Deadstream are both here--in fact, if you look close enough, you may recognize at least one other character from that movie too. As was the case with that film, this one is heavy on comedy--unfortunately, there's more miss than hit this time, and, with such a wonderful set, you wish they would have focused more on the horror. While still a fine segment, ending the movie with this one makes it feel like it went out with a whimper. 

That's no reason to turn your back on it!

As is always the case with anthology movies, some segments are better than others--"The Gawkers" stands above the rest for sure. "Suicide Bid" is also very solid from start to finish. The remaining three are a bit unbalanced--there's a lot to sit through with "Shredding" to get to a decent ending; "Ozzy's Dungeon", the weakest overall, starts off on fire, goes ice cold, then picks back up for the closing minutes; "To Hell and Back" looks phenomenal, but otherwise is nothing great. I believe an anthology film should be like a rock concert--start off hot and finish hot. With that in mind, I would have kicked this movie off with "Suicide Bid" and ended it with "The Gawkers", which they kind of, sort of did, but not really. That aside, V/H/S/99 was a fun movie. More often than not, practical effects were used, and they looked great. The stories were interesting, and there were some genuinely creepy moments. Stay tuned for the credits to enjoy a post-credits scene, and some Danzig awesomeness while the credits roll. When I reviewed V/H/S/94, I said it was the best of the series since the original film--this one is even better, and is just as good as the first movie. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

V/H/S/99 Movie Trailer

BAD CANDY

Bad Candy Movie Review

A couple disc jockeys on radio station 66.6 tell spooky tales on Halloween, resulting in an anthology movie filled with stories that all intertwine at least somewhat--picture Trick 'r Treat, only not nearly as good. Before we move on, I know you may be wondering about that radio station--it's a horror movie, so it's all silly fun, but, of course, 66.6 cannot be an actual station--judging by scene featuring the drug dealer listening to it in an old Bonneville, we know it's a regular radio station, and it appears to actually be in the 105 territory. That said, the FCC would have a field day with this show. You probably know the DJs--one is Zach Galligan (Billy from Gremlins) and the other is Corey Taylor from the band Slipknot--picture Mr. Bungle, only knot nearly as good. 

Thank me later 

Back to the movie--there are more stories in this feature than I care to dive too deeply into (this is supposed to be QUICK horror movie reviews, after all), but I'll briefly touch on each. The whole thing starts off surprisingly well, with some really nice Halloween settings to get us in the mood, and a clown turning a brat of a kid into a toy. The clown will pop up throughout, ala Sam from the aforementioned Trick 'r Treat. 

Hi Jack

We then have a girl with the ability to bring her drawings to life--this may come in handy as she battles her drunken redneck stepdad who, if nothing else, has good taste in retro furniture. 

Look out, Ben

It's in this story we begin to see how bad the CGI is, and man, is it ever terrible. There's not much, if any, improvement throughout the rest of the movie, which is all the more disappointing in that the practical effects, when used, are actually okay. More disappointing is the movie as a whole kind of falls off the cliff after the first twenty minutes. There's an old feller putting razor blades in candy--he ends up with the razor blades in his own throat, kind of like in Night of the Demons (anybody else noticing a pattern here?). 

The shirt I'm wearing right now looks just like this one...seriously

From there, we see a drug dealer at a Halloween party--the dude reminds me of a million guys I knew back in my Ohio days--I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but that doesn't matter--he ends up in the Bonneville and eventually in a bathroom, where he is stalked and finally meets his demise in a scene similar to one from Scream 2. 

Never press your ear against the stall!

A woman leaves the party to go to work in the morgue and starts to seduce a dead guy. When he appears to come back to life, she flips out, looks like she's on an acid trip, and sees cadavers turn into zombies. Some guy attacks some woman at her house and chases her to a playground, where there's a battle to the death. A rideshare driver and his buddies kidnap some people with questionable morals, tie them up, put large pumpkins on their heads, and set them loose to be stalked by their friend. 

LENNY!

The woman in the morgue installment is dull and ramped up only slightly when the corpse appears to come to life. The cat and mouse between the man and woman offers nothing of any real interest. The story with pumpkinheaded people is painfully bad, especially in its brutally horrible attempts at humor; Lenny, however, looks so fantastic it almost makes up for the time it takes to get to him. The movie ends with a story of a house burning down, and ties directly to the gents at the radio station. The final little twist is surprisingly satisfying, if not a bit predictable. 

Here's a hint

Bad Candy is one of those movies that has loads of potential, but comes up short in practically every way it can. To even the casual viewer, the most obvious shortcoming will be in the special effects category. The CGI looks like some of the worst stuff to come from SyFy Originals--maybe even worse. I get that there are people who are into this, and, if given the right type of movie, I am too--this isn't that type of movie. They also tried to do way too much. Perhaps had they picked three of the more interesting stories and expanded on them instead of stretching about a half dozen uninspired yarns out to around 103 minutes, a better movie would have resulted. This brings us to the third major issue--lack of originality. I pointed out a few examples, but believe me when I tell you, there are many more instances of thievery going on here. The acting leaves a lot to be desired as well, though Taylor's performance as Chilly Billy was better than I expected. Bad Candy does have a couple bright spots, but it's safe to say it will never become a Halloween tradition in my household.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Bad Candy Movie Trailer

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE

Zombie Nightmare Movie Review

Tony (Jon Mikl Thor), a guy who looks like he should be challenging Ric Flair for the NWA World Title, dies after being struck by a car. Distraught, his mother contacts a voodoo priestess to bring her boy back. Now looking more like somebody The Sandman would cane, Tony returns from the dead to seek revenge on the teens responsible for his death. This 1987 film starts off hot, with Motörhead's "Ace of Spades" playing with the opening credits. Unfortunately, it's all down hill from there. Everything in this movie is just so slow, from the killer in his pursuit of the teens to actual slow motion shots, something I cannot stand in horror movies. Surprisingly, there are some recognizable names here. Adam West of "Batman" fame stars as a police captain. Shawn Levy, who plays lead bad guy Jim, would go on to direct Night at the Museum and become producer of a little show called Stranger Things. Finally, in her film debut, we have pre-Wayne's World Tia Carrere.

"She's a babe!"

As we know, just because a movie has a few people we recognize, it doesn't mean the acting will be good, and in this flick, it's far from it--in fact, the performances are horrendous from top to bottom. The action isn't much better--the kills are especially lame, but if you've ever wanted to see somebody impaled with a baseball bat, it does offer that. When our friend Tony is hit by the car, it's in slow motion, and seeing the body change places after is hilarious. The voodoo priestess will remind you of many similar characters straight out of a 1950's film--this is not a compliment. At one point, we see somebody reading Fangoria magazine--on the cover is Maximum Overdrive, a movie that looks like a Hitchcockian masterpiece compared to Zombie Nightmare. If you're a fan of 1980's heavy metal music, you may enjoy the soundtrack--while not a fan of the music myself, it did fit this movie quite well--this is also not a compliment. They throw in a little twist at the end, but you'll see it coming a mile away. Zombie Nightmare is not a good movie--it was once featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000", and rightfully so; still, there's just enough charm and unintentional hilarity to keep you sticking around until the end, which is so bad it's awesome. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Zombie Nightmare Movie Trailer

SLASHER (Season One)

Slasher Season One Review

It's Halloween 1988, and a maniac enters a couple's home, murders them, and removes the baby from the wife's body. Fast forward to present time, and the baby, Sarah (Katie McGrath), is grown, and with her husband Dylan (Brandon Jay McLaren), purchases and moves into the house where her parents were killed--because that sounds like a wonderful idea. No word on where Sarah was for thirty years, but judging by her accent, I'd say she spent some time in Ireland. 

"Why would you say...oh"

Slasher was a series on the now-defunct Chiller...

Anybody else remember, and miss, this?

..and in 2016, this is the season that kicked it all off. The series ran four seasons, with each season consisting of eight episodes. This first season was titled The Executioner, and it doesn't take long to learn why. With Sarah's return to Waterbury (before you start watching, I'll save you the time--it's a fictional place in Canada), there also comes another wave of the murders, with the killer dressing identically to the original killer--this is no spoiler, as we learn early the original killer is in prison. As the executions continue, Sarah visits her parents' killer, Tom Winston (Patrick Garrow), in prison, seeking advice on how to capture the new assassin. This all very much has a Silence of the Lambs vibe to it, which brings me to the primary drawback of this season--so much of what is happening feels stolen from established films. Another glaring example of this is the killer bases his (or her?) murders on the seven deadly sins.

"Sounds familiar"

We see that immoral acts have taken place for decades in the small town, and it seems nobody is innocent. There is a decent story underneath it all, and several twists and turns are added along the way to attempt to justify eight episodes. Had they cut away some of the subplots and shortened this down to four episodes it would have been much stronger...or, if you were going to have so many subplots, fill in the gaps for all (what did Robin ever do about that huge debt?). Much of the acting leaves plenty to be desired, as the cast is certainly a case of taking the bad with the good. These setbacks aside, there is plenty to enjoy as well. This is a horror series, and when you have a killer wearing some sort of mask and/or costume, you want it to look cool, and this one looks...

Killer

There is a good amount of blood and guts for the gorehounds out there, and it's fun trying to figure out who the killer is (my girlfriend called it four episodes in). Some of the death scenes are unique, and the small town setting and scenery are visually pleasing. This is the only season I've watched at this time, but I have read the series was similar to American Horror Story in that several actors appear throughout as different characters--unfortunately, The Executioner, while fun at times, doesn't give the viewer the excitement of looking forward to the next season.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Slasher Season One Trailer

FEAR STREET PART THREE: 1666

 

Fear Street Part 3: 1666 Movie Review

For the conclusion of the trilogy, we journey back to where it all started--Union, in 1666. As I believe the only proper way to truly review this movie is to dive into the deep end with it, I will warn you now--there will be spoilers ahead, and despite the name of this blog, this review won't be real quick. I repeat...THERE WILL BE SPOILERS!

At the conclusion of Part Two, we saw Deena (Kiana Madeira) sort of jump into the body of Sarah Fier, all Dr. Sam Beckett style. 

Minus the awesome blue lighting

Deena realized that stopping the curse wasn't as easy as they suspected, so we start Part Three off in 1666, where Deena is living the life of Sarah. We discover that Sarah, much like Deena, has a secret girlfriend--her name is Hannah, and she is played by Olivia Scott Welch, the same actress who plays Samantha, Deena's girlfriend, in 1994. We also see many of the other actors from both 1994 and 1978 appearing as different characters in 1666, which is cool and makes sense for some of the characters, but seems gratuitous for others. I am not a huge fan of most films with a colonial setting, and this flick did nothing to change my mind. The movie makers did a nice job with the look, but the acting was certainly a struggle here, as most of the talent had difficulty with the accent and slip in and out of it often. The violence is there, but scaled back a bit from what we saw in 1994 and 1978. 

Tommy...less violent, more insane

There's not a lot happening in 1666, but it is rather fast paced, and that will make sense soon. What we need to know is this--as expected, Sarah Fier is not really a witch. Though it has been believed for hundreds of years (and a few hours, from the viewer's perspective) that Sarah put the hex on Shadyside and made a pact with the devil, the movie delivered what most of us probably expected and few of us wanted--the tried and true tale of a falsely accused witch. No, the true maker of the pact with Satan was Solomon, a fella whose bloodline eventually leads to somebody we know from 1994 and 1978.

He doesn't seem so Goode now, does he?

I was really, really hoping that when we got to 1666 we would see Sarah as a true evil, chaos-causing witch, and they actually tease this at one point when Sarah declares something along the lines of "If it's a witch they want, then a witch they will get", and I prepared for all Hell to be unleashed upon the ignorant--alas, once Sarah arrives in the tunnels, she discovers Solomon has already made the aforementioned pact with the evil one, and is appalled...by him doing pretty much precisely what she was going to do! Solomon's deal was to deliver sacrifices in exchange for wealth and success, and this was passed on for generations--hence Goode being sheriff, and his brother the mayor of Sunnyvale. So they get into a fight, she loses her hand, and Solomon delivers Sarah to the pitchfork and torch-wielding simpletons who have been hunting her down to hang her and Hannah for being witches. At the tree, to save Hannah, Sarah falsely admits to being a witch, further stating she corrupted Hannah and that Hannah was innocent--this works, and just prior to being hung, Sarah promises revenge on Solomon. This all happens over the span of about an hour, and once Sarah hangs, the movie transitions brilliantly back to 1994. 

So

Cool

Back to the present, Deena knows Sheriff Goode is behind all the evil, and she rounds up the remaining troops in an effort to take him down. They end up at the mall where it all started (well, the mall that is built on top of where it all started) and come up with the most convoluted plan ever to kill one person--why they couldn't just hide and shoot Goode once he arrived is beyond me, but hey, we got some cool neon and black light stuff going on, and another Carrie reference, so I guess that makes it acceptable. 

Groovy

The demon ghost killer people show up, and in a cool scene, they fight and (temporarily) kill each other. It is teased that Ruby is making her way there to unleash the terror, but once she finally arrives, she does little. Naturally, Deena ends up in the tunnel with Goode (and Samantha, who, I guess, never went full demon?) and we see the sheriff's demise--to say it's anticlimactic is an understatement. Everything that happens from there is dreadfully bad (did they get lost in the tunnel?), and a sequel, or continuance of the story, or another trilogy, or something else, is teased. 

Can we just leave that here?

After really enjoying the first two films of this trilogy, I was very much disappointed with the final one. Visually, the movie was wonderful, and it still had a couple surprising developments, but sadly, they were not where we wanted them, and that's in the story itself--the final stretch develops pretty much as you expect it to, and there's really nothing satisfying about this. Obviously, if you watched the first two films, you will want to view this one to finish it off...maybe a better idea is to imagine the third film in your head. 

On A Scale Of One Ten: 5

Fear Street Part 3: 1666 Movie Trailer

FEAR STREET PART ONE: 1994

Fear Street Part 1: 1994 Movie Review

Shadyside has quite a history of violence, tragedy, and bizarre events--the most recent is a slasher killing teens in a mall...and a curse...and a witch...and ghosts...and, well, yeah, there's a lot going on in this Netflix original, but I will try to present it to you with minimal spoilage. The title should tell you two things right off--this is the beginning of a series of films (a trilogy, to be exact), and it's set in 1994...oh, the stories I could tell about 1994...but you are not here for that, and I don't have all week, so let's stay focused on this movie. Fans of R.L. Stine may also recognize the title, and yes, these movies are based on the author's books, but if you are expecting something geared toward the younger audience, you are not quite ready for this flick, as the blood is plenty and the f-bombs are excessive. Coming out of the gate, you will get the overwhelming feeling you have seen all this before--if you think to yourself "this is some odd combination of Scream, Stranger Things, and The Outsiders", know you are not alone. 

Children of the Socs?

This one starts off strong, with a scene that will make even the most cynical of us miss the mallrat days just a bit--the black lights effect in one store is particularly cool. 

Killer

After a promising (albeit heavily borrowed) opening sequence, the movie slows considerably, as we find out about love interests, the early days of the internet and chat rooms (I had no idea of the existence of either in 1994), and the rivalry between Shadyside and Sunnyvale. We also get to hear a lot of cool music from those days (though being a music geek as well as a movie one, I noticed a few songs used had not yet been released in 1994), and meet the main characters--I could have done without Simon (Fred Hechinger), but the rest are fine. If you are wanting that nostalgic feeling for the 1990's that movies such as It brought for the 1980's, you won't get much of it here--between the opening sequence and the showdown at the grocery store near the end, the nods to the time the story is set in are subtle (the band posters and stickers were my personal favorites). Once the murkiness of the plot clears up a bit, the remainder of the movie is a wonderfully fun ride, with slick flashbacks, villains that may remind you of 2001's Thirteen Ghosts, and a few twists. The ride lasts right up until the end, which leaves us eager for the next film--and we don't have to wait long! All three movies are shot, and Part 2 will be released July 8, followed by the third film July 16--and my reviews will appear soon after! 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Fear Street Part 1: 1994 Movie Trailer

THE SHED

The Shed Movie Review

A hunter named Bane (Frank Whaley, Vacancy) is attacked and turned into a vampire. He takes refuge from the sun in a shed on a farm. Teenager Stan (Jay Jay Warren) lives on said farm, and after he discovers the creature, he's not quite sure what to do with it--his best friend, and fellow bullied fella Dommer (Cody Kostro), on the other hand, has an idea. 

"Remember when Henry wanted to get rid of Billie?"

The premise seems cool, though the comparison to the Creepshow segment "The Crate" is glaring. I have always been a fan of Whaley, who I believe to be one of the more underrated actors of his time, but he is terribly underused in this movie--though, until they showed him in vampire form in the shed, I did picture him killing his victims in there with a 1964 Gibson SG. Speaking of acting, most of it in this film is atrocious--making this worse is the lack of any character being even somewhat likable. The dialogue adds to the misery, as it's mind-numbing and lazy. You may think "Ooh, I heard this is set in the 1980's, so that part will be cool!", and you will be disappointed. There are no cell phones, and we see some cassette tapes, but other than that, there's no real 80's feel here--that said, one of the many movie mistakes is seeing cars that came out decades after the 1980's ended. Looking for such mistakes was truly the highlight of this film, and it's enough to keep you going. The vampires look somewhat cool, so a bit of credit has to be given for this as well. This movie just sort of plods along--you don't care what happens to the characters, but curiosity over the vampire in the shed is there. Also there, most unfortunately, is the worst cover of "House of the Rising Sun" I have ever heard. There's nothing original or interesting going on in The Shed, and honestly, there's no reason to spend time with it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Shed Movie Trailer

MADHOUSE (1981)

Madhouse Movie Review

Julia Sullivan (Trish Everly, aka Patricia Mickey), a school teacher, seems to have a pretty good life. This all changes, however, when her evil twin sister, Mary (Allison Biggers), escapes from a hospital and vows to make Julia pay for...something. Other than the fact that Mary has a disease that alters her appearance and Julia doesn't, and that Mary has been tormenting Julia since they were kids, this isn't really explained. 

"...'cause I'm not beautiful like you..."

"...I'm beautiful like me"

Over the years, there have been many movies titled Madhouse--this one is from 1981, and is probably most known for being on the UK video nasties list. While it probably earned its way onto that list, the movie is actually fairly tame compared to many others found there. That's not to say it is entirely without its shocking moments. The opening is a bit unsettling, though the victim is obviously a bloodied up dummy. Much more interesting are the attacks by the Rottweiler Mary uses to kill Julia's friends. The attacks are absolutely brutal, and look eerily realistic. Outside this, there's not a lot going for this movie. A lot of the action is dragged down by slow motion shots, and if there's ten things I hate in the world of film, one is unnecessary slow motion shots. The movie drags along, and seems much longer than it is. The movie also falls into many of the horror clichés we are used to; think Father James, a religious figure, is going to remain on the side of good? 

You HAVE watched horror movies, yes?

The acting is rough, but it never gets too bad...until the final twenty minutes, which is precisely when you don't want the performances to tank. This is made worse when you consider how awesome these minutes could have been had the acting been better--unfortunately, Biggers drops the ball, and Dennis Robertson (the aforementioned Father James) kills the entire movie with his over-the-top overacting. While not a terrible film, Madhouse is not one that is especially good either. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Madhouse Movie Trailer

DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW

Dark Night of the Scarecrow Movie Review

After being falsely accused of hurting a little girl, the mentally challenged Bubba Ritter (Larry Drake) is hunted down and killed by a lynch mob. After those four men are found not guilty of their crimes, they begin dying under mysterious circumstances. Has Bubba come back for revenge, or is somebody else seeking revenge on Ritter's behalf? That is the premise of this 1981 film, which is considered by many to be one of the all-time best made-for-television movies. Around the year 2000, an old friend of mine told me about this movie--we were talking about the scariest movies we had ever seen, and he mentioned seeing this when he was a kid, and how it somehow stuck with him. I searched it out around that time, but to no avail. I finally did watch the movie about ten years later, and liked it enough to have seen it twice since (streaming channels make stuff like this much easier to find these days). 

Thanks Tubi!

Keep in mind, this is a made-for-television movie that came out in 1981, so you're not going to get a ton of carnage and gore, but this flick does a fantastic job bringing the scares without gallons of blood. There is a theory in horror that says the scariest death scenes are ones that leave something to the imagination--I don't always buy into the theory, but in Dark Night of the Scarecrow, this is executed wonderfully. The acting is probably a little better than you will expect as well, and Charles Durning (Pappy O'Daniel in O Brother, Where Art Thou?) turns in a grossly underappreciated performance as Otis P. Hazelrigg, the mail carrier who leads the lynch mob. Honestly, when conversation turns to the greatest villains in horror history, Otis should be brought up more often than he is.

"Thanks. You will be spared...for now"

Not all is great with this movie, however. The opening kind of reminds me a bit too much of an iconic scene from Frankenstein, drawing a somewhat uncomfortable comparison to the Monster from that film and Bubba here. The court sequence is a bit rough too--one can't help but wonder if the judge, who saw no evidence of the crimes, went on to be a jury member for the O.J. murder trail. Unfortunately, the ending, especially the low-speed chase (go ahead and make another O.J. reference here if you would like), takes some air out of the balloon as well. Still, Dark Night of the Scarecrow truly earns its status as not just one of the finer made-for-tv movies of all time, but also of a really good horror film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

A most fantastic lead in to the airing of Dark Night of the Scarecrow

THE MAJORETTES

The Majorettes Movie Review

A masked man somewhat resembling Barry Windham during his time as "The Stalker" is on the loose, killing high school majorettes. At the core, this is the general plot of this 1987 film, but the story doesn't end there...more on this later. For now, we will focus on the first act, which is fairly standard 1980's slasher stuff--we have the high school "kids" who look like they're pushing 30, bad dialogue, some nudity, a few kills, and an actress who looks just like many other actresses from similar movies from this time. 

"It's the woman from...no, wait...from...not that one..."

If you're a fan of Porky's, you'll be reminded of the most famous shots from that movie at times, and the peeping Tom plays a somewhat important role later in the film. Most of the characters believe a biker gang is responsible for the killings, so we get to know some unscrupulous folks there as well. Surprisingly, we find out the identity of the killer about midway through the movie, and that's when things really go off the rails. Still another person with no moral compass blackmails the killer, and the biker gang finally does kill somebody, leading to that somebody's boyfriend seeking revenge. So what starts off as a slasher film switches gears, and suddenly we have an action flick featuring a high school dude with an automatic assault rifle going on a revenge mission. Even with this, the movie never becomes so bad you turn away from it. The idea that you never know what will happen next, no matter how ridiculous, will get you through the movie. Will you remember much about it a week later? Probably not, but it's a fair ride while it lasts. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Majorettes Movie Trailer

SILENT NIGHT (2012)

Silent Night Movie Review

A man dressed as Santa Claus is on a killing spree in a small town, and it's up to Sheriff Cooper (the legendary Malcolm McDowell) and Officer Aubrey Bradimore (Jaime King of the 2009 version of My Bloody Valentine) to stop him. This movie is labeled a "loose remake" of the 1984 film Silent Night, Bloody Night--I would put more emphasis on the word "loose" and less on "remake". Sure, there's a murderous Santa, and a couple clever nods to the '84 flick, and even its sequels, but to use the word "remake" here is very much a stretch. One similarity is Santa's tendency to carry an axe, but this Santa also has another favorite weapon.

Yeah, it's a flamethrower

The amount of comedy here is much more than in the original film, and while most of it falls flat, McDowell is hilarious. King is surprisingly likable in the lead role, and Donal Logue also stops by to play a grumpy Santa. Side note--Logue is a talented actor who has been in a million things, but no matter how hard I try to stop myself from doing it, I can only ever see him as one character...

Jimmy!

If you're looking for gore, this is certainly a movie you should check out. Many of the death scenes are nothing short of brutal, while others are oddly approached with a more comedic tone. This brings us to my main issue with this movie--if played as a straight up horror film, it would have been far more interesting. With all the comedy, most of which is painfully bad, the film is just forgettable. The end is somewhat redeeming, if not predictable. As another side note, part of this movie was inspired by a real-life mass murder known as the Covina massacre. In 2008, some moron dressed as Santa Claus killed 9 people at a Christmas party before killing himself...one could argue he was inspired by similar movies, but we'll save the trip down that rabbit hole for another day. Silent Night really isn't a bad movie...it's just not a particularly good one. Keep your expectations low, and watch it for McDowell's performance...it may be all you remember about it a month after watching.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Silent Night Movie Trailer

CHRISTMAS EVIL

Christmas Evil Movie Review

We're all familiar with the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"--we hear little Michael Jackson belt it out every year at this time. In the song, Michael tries to convince his brothers he really did see Santa. Now let's imagine Tito convinced Michael that wasn't Santa, but was, in fact, their father in a Santa costume, and as a result of this, Michael is permanently scarred and grows up to be completely disconnected from reality.

Just imagine...

This is essentially what we have going on in this movie...but, you know, it's a guy named Harry Stadling (Brandon Maggart), not Michael Jackson, who sees Mommy and Santa Dad. We catch up with Harry as an adult--he works in a toy factory, is obsessed with Christmas, and, much like Santa, keeps a naughty or nice list for the people around him. After some abuse from co-workers and unfortunate run-ins with some less than desirable people, Harry finally snaps, serving up justice to those on the naughty list while rewarding the kids on the nice list. Watching Harry decline mentally is actually somewhat sad, and in many ways he reminded me of Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver (though Maggart is no De Niro). 

"You talkin' to me?"

There's not a ton of gore in this one, but the couple killings we do see are rather brutal. There are some familiar faces thrown in as well--Jeffrey DeMunn (Dale from The Walking Dead) plays Philip, Harry's brother, and Patricia Richardson makes her film debut, sticking around just long enough to smack her bratty son across the face. An already bizarre film cranks the madness up toward the end, as we see an angry mob with torches in hand chase after Harry--this isn't some Hammer film set in the 1800's here--this is an angry mob, with torches in hand, chasing a guy in a film set in 1980! This holds not even a flicker of a candle to the ending, however--if you've ever seen Grease and wondered what that ending may look like in a slasher flick set during Christmas 1980 (who hasn't had that thought?), you must hunt this film down. 

Merry Christmas to all...

Forty years after the making of this movie, we have seen many flicks that feature a guy dressed like Santa Claus killing people--there are ones out there that contain much more blood and guts, are crisper on a technical standpoint, and certainly slicker than this one--that said, there may not be one that will make you actually think as much as Christmas Evil does, and most likely not another one that makes you feel so bad for the murderer. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Christmas Evil Movie Trailer