Because nobody likes spending an hour reading a movie review, I bring you Quick Horror Movie Reviews, a site offering to the point reviews of horror films from a guy who has seen thousands of them. From the classics to the hidden gems, the slashers to the creatures, the multi-million dollar blockbusters to the direct to video awfulness, it's all here! Read, enjoy, and for the best experience, go old school and view the desktop version!
After his buddy Harker (John Van Eyssen) is unsuccessful at killing Count Dracula (Christopher Lee), Dr. Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) sets out to take on the monster himself. Coming out in 1958, this was the first time Lee played Dracula and Cushing played Van Helsing--as a result of the box office success and critical acclaim it would receive, Hammer, the company behind the movie, would bring both actors back as their respective characters many times in the years to come. As this movie shows, it is a fine formula, with both actors doing outstanding jobs here. Dracula purists may be turned off somewhat, as the movie, while clearly based on the novel, does take many liberties in steering away from it--interestingly, a lot of this was done for budgetary purposes, as the company did not invest enough money into the making of the film to afford a lot of special effects. The special effects we do have are, well...
I'll let you decide
The pace of the movie is decent, but does tend to slow at times. As for the stars, Lee has under ten minutes of screen time, and Cushing doesn't show up until about a third of the way through the film--thankfully, the supporting cast is strong enough to carry the rest. This movie is also credited for transforming the character of Dracula--and vampires in general--to more sexy beings--take from that what you will. The movie is shot wonderfully, and is certainly one of my favorite Hammer offerings.
Tired of her job as a server, Jade (Claire Brennen) sets out to join the carnival. Once there, she takes on the exciting life of... a server. She also finds that she's not exactly welcome by some, namely the "freaks". If that sounds a little familiar, just wait. This 1967 movie starts off with promise, as we have some nice shots of a carnival.
Hurry, hurry, step right up!
There's also a lot of footage of carnies setting up and tearing down--honestly, it looked like it could have been a documentary on the life of a carny in the 1960's. I watched this on Tubi, and it was not remastered--it was straight from film, with the missing frames, scratches, cigarette burns, et cetera, in tact--I am a huge fan of watching movies in this presentation. Sadly, that's where the positives for this film end. The acting in this movie is just awful. The story truly goes nowhere at all. Aside from seeing the carnival and carny shots, we get nothing but brief encounters between Jade and the rest of the cast. The movie appears to have no idea what it wants to be, so it decides to just try out different things. It's a horror movie with no horror. It's a nudie-cutie with no nudity. It's a documentary with no narration. It's a movie that just keeps going, and seems twice as long as it actually is. Jade seemingly does a complete turn in character near the end, and it's not until the final two minutes of the movie that we get any bit of horror...and that is nothing but an absolute theft of the ending of the 1932 classic Freaks. Being a sucker for such things, I have to give the movie a couple stars for the carnival setting and presentation--if not for these elements, She Freak would go down as one of the worst movies I've ever watched.
Frank (James Karen, Poltergeist) and Freddy (Thom Mathews, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives), two guys working in a warehouse that stores medical supplies, accidentally release a toxic gas. This makes it to a nearby cemetery, causing the dead to rise. First off, you have to love the premise--1980's horror movies sure did put the scare of toxic waste and gases in the minds of viewers! This one, from 1985, brings the idea to the screen with a wonderful blend of horror and comedy. In a stroke of really bad luck, a group of punks happen to be hanging out in the cemetery when the dead rise, and you'll likely recognize at least a few of them. John Philbin of Children of the Corn is there. Mark Venturini and Miguel A. Nunez Jr from Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning are members of the gang. Finally, horror legend Linnea Quigley appears for arguably her most recognizable role.
Suicide's Squad
The familiar faces don't end there, as Clu Gulager (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2) shows up as would-be hero Burt, and Don Calfa, who turned in a hysterical performance as Paulie in Weekend at Bernie's a couple years later, plays Ernie, a possible Nazi running the nearby mortuary. I mention all these people not only to do some name dropping, but also because they are all wonderful in this film. Their performances, whether intentional or not, are hilarious--Karen especially steals the shows with his manic performance, and for as unimpressive as Mathews was in Jason Lives, he more than makes up for that as Freddy. Equally as impressive is the work with the zombies, particularly that of everybody's favorite, Tarman.
And all my friends are skeletons
The horror/comedy hybrid idea wasn't entirely new when this movie was released, and, of course, that genre has only grown since, but unlike most of the films that have come out since, The Return of the Living Dead is actually funny. The movie knocks it out of the park when it comes to both the laughs and scares, and rightfully deserves its place as one of the elite comedy horrors of all time. This movie did, however, bring a few big, new elements to the zombie genre--it is credited as being the first zombie flick to have fast-moving zombie, talking zombies, and it introduced the idea of the zombies seeking out brains specifically--and, as I did several times in that sentence, it breaks the mold by actually using the word "zombie". I'm not a huge fan of the ending, but there's not much else to complain about with The Return of the Living Dead. In the off chance you have never seen this movie, do yourself a favor and check it out.
Tony (Jon Mikl Thor), a guy who looks like he should be challenging Ric Flair for the NWA World Title, dies after being struck by a car. Distraught, his mother contacts a voodoo priestess to bring her boy back. Now looking more like somebody The Sandman would cane, Tony returns from the dead to seek revenge on the teens responsible for his death. This 1987 film starts off hot, with Motörhead's "Ace of Spades" playing with the opening credits. Unfortunately, it's all down hill from there. Everything in this movie is just so slow, from the killer in his pursuit of the teens to actual slow motion shots, something I cannot stand in horror movies. Surprisingly, there are some recognizable names here. Adam West of "Batman" fame stars as a police captain. Shawn Levy, who plays lead bad guy Jim, would go on to direct Night at the Museum and become producer of a little show called Stranger Things. Finally, in her film debut, we have pre-Wayne's World Tia Carrere.
"She's a babe!"
As we know, just because a movie has a few people we recognize, it doesn't mean the acting will be good, and in this flick, it's far from it--in fact, the performances are horrendous from top to bottom. The action isn't much better--the kills are especially lame, but if you've ever wanted to see somebody impaled with a baseball bat, it does offer that. When our friend Tony is hit by the car, it's in slow motion, and seeing the body change places after is hilarious. The voodoo priestess will remind you of many similar characters straight out of a 1950's film--this is not a compliment. At one point, we see somebody reading Fangoria magazine--on the cover is Maximum Overdrive, a movie that looks like a Hitchcockian masterpiece compared to Zombie Nightmare. If you're a fan of 1980's heavy metal music, you may enjoy the soundtrack--while not a fan of the music myself, it did fit this movie quite well--this is also not a compliment. They throw in a little twist at the end, but you'll see it coming a mile away. Zombie Nightmare is not a good movie--it was once featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000", and rightfully so; still, there's just enough charm and unintentional hilarity to keep you sticking around until the end, which is so bad it's awesome.
Satanic leader Corbis (Ernest Borgnine) swears revenge on the descendants of his churchgoers...and he has to get a book...and he may be the actual devil...and there’s something about rain...or something. Honestly, I’m really not sure what was going on in this 1975 B movie that had a surprising lack of comprehensiveness and an even more surprising number of stars, be them fading or just beginning to shine. Aside from Borgnine, Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, stars. Joan Prather ("Eight is Enough") and Tom Skerritt (Alien, Top Gun) are also here, as is, in his film debut, Hollywood legend John Travolta.
Vinnie?
Wow, was this movie ever a lot to sit through. The nonsensical plot is accompanied by dialogue that is just as questionable, and performances that may make you wonder if the actors had a bet to see who could be the worst. I have never been a fan of Shatner and his form of overacting--he certainly brings that to this movie, but Borgnine somehow manages to out-Shatner Shatner. I did appreciate the practical effects, which were as odd as anything else in this movie, and I'm always a fan of desert settings, so there was that too. The climax of the movie, with the melting bodies, was cool, but there's a whole lot of nothing happening to get there. I watched this on an episode of "Svengoolie", so there's a very good chance I liked it more than I should have; still, this is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination.
Remember the days of VHS? The filmmakers here sure do (or at least pretend to), and they are bringing them back in a most 1990's way. Yes, this is the fourth movie in a series that previously brought us V/H/S, V/H/S/2. and V/H/S: Viral.
"I like them"
We begin with "Holy Hell", which serves as the wraparound story. A SWAT team raids a warehouse, where they discover dead bodies, evidence of ritualistic sacrifices, and other signs of degenerative behavior from a cult group. This is all loud, with tons of audio effects and screaming people, guns, and so on. This part is not written particularly well--in fact, the dialogue is abysmal, and the story is only mildly interesting, leading to a plot twist that is obvious.
They look suspicious
The first full story we get is "Storm Drain". A news reporter (Anna Hopkins) and camera operator (Christian Potenza) go on location to a storm drain to report on the local legend of a half man, half rat that hangs out in the sewers of Westerville, Ohio, a suburb of my hometown, Columbus. Much like the opening, this one is not written well, with dull dialogue. The reporter interviews a few people, including a guy with an assault rifle who likely wouldn't be allowed within the city limits of Westerville in real life. Another person interviewed is a minister, and he makes a return later in a big way. This one, like every segment in this anthology, borrows heavily from many other films--the ritualistic stuff is fair, but the reveal of the mutant monster is impressive, with a cool creature feature throwback feel. The practical effects, especially with the closing moments, are satisfying as well. The closing also mentions a pumpkin festival of some sort, reminding me of Circleville, Ohio--references to places I grew up only add to my enjoyment of this segment.
I could see this coming out of Circleville
Next up is "The Empty Wake". A dead man's family requests his wake be recorded all night, and poor Hayley (Kyal Legend) is assigned the job of staying with the body. We find the man had committed suicide, and was so badly mangled the casket is closed. There's not much turn out, and Hayley spends almost the entire time alone--until, of course, the dead man comes to life. This segment does a nice job with a slow burn type approach--not a lot is happening, but with every small step, the tension, and Hayley's fear, builds. What we see when the man emerges from the casket is nothing short of frightening, and the closing minutes of this segment are fantastic.
If this casket's a-rockin'
In "The Subject", Dr. James Suhendra is experimenting with machine-human hybrids. He is a wanted man, and the police soon track him down, killing him somewhat in cold blood. The police force then find themselves trapped in the building, and doing battle with Suhendra's subjects. Grey area is created when one of the police officers tries to help one of the hybrid monsters, who herself realizes what she has been turn into. Both the best and worst of this segment come visually. The hybrids, especially the one we get the camera point of view from, look stunning. Unfortunately, a decent story gives way to gunfire, gunfire, and more gunfire. Worst of all, once the action really gets going, it looks like we're watching somebody play a first-person shooter video game. I've enjoyed playing those games a time or two in my day (I can't tell you how many quarters I put into the "House of the Dead" arcade back in the day), but watching somebody else play them--especially when what I am trying to watch is a movie--is not my cup of tea.
Reload!
The final segment is "Terror". In some attempt to make America great again, a wacko militia redneck group that looks like they may be from the aforementioned Circleville plans on bombing a government building in Detroit. Strapped with guns and a combined IQ that would struggle to reach triple digits, the men document their grand plan. Their weapon? The blood of a vampire they have captured. How to use said weapon? Inject the blood into animals and allow sunlight to hit them, blowing them, and everything around them, to bits. The idea is cool, and when the idiots inevitably face off with the vampire, we find the creature looks quite unique and terrifying. Visually, this one has what we expect as well, as it legitimately looks like somebody's home recording from the early 1990's. The beginning of "Terror" is rough, but my goodness, does it ever turn out to be more entertaining than it had any business being.
If this doesn't say Circleville...
If you gave up on this franchise after Viral, you may want to come back to the series. This one is a Shudder exclusive, and at the time of its release, it was the most successful movie premiere for the streaming service. While not quite as good as the first V/H/S/, it is a step up from the second outing, and much better than Viral. I wish the wraparound story was better, and that "The Subject" would not have gone all "Doom" on us, but "Storm Drain" and "The Wake" are decent, and "Terror" is borderline must-see. The fifth installment, titled V/H/S/99, has been announced, with a release date of October 20, 2022--V/H/S/94 has made me somewhat excited to see this.
After their ship goes down, a doctor (Claudio Cassinelli) and some prisoners end up on an island inhabited by a few people and, you guessed it, fishmen. There's a bit of confusion when it comes to this movie, so let me knock that out right from the start. Italian film L'isola degli uomini pesce (The Island of the Fishmen) was released in 1979. A couple years later, in 1981, it was Americanized and released as Screamers. For this, around a half hour of footage was removed from the original version, a new opening was shot, new dubbing was added, and so on. The version I watched, and am subsequently reviewing, is the Americanized one--I hear the original film is much better, but I'll take everybody's word for it. The new, American opening is groovy enough, with a decapitation and more than enough blood and guts (literally) to get you excited for the movie. If you have never seen this film, you may be thinking "This is some sort of Creature from the Black Lagoon" ripoff, and to some degree, that is certainly true--at least in the look of the monsters.
"That's Fishman, NOT Gill-Man!"
You can pretty much stop the comparison there, however, as Creature from the Black Lagoon is an all-time great, and Screamers is...not. We get to know the doctor, and discover rather quickly the dubbing is horrible. We find there are evil people on the island, and at least one, Amanda (Barbara Bach), who is not only nice to the doc, but also to the fishmen. After a hot start, the movie slows to a crawl, and by the time you get to the somewhat entertaining twist near the end, you may be struggling to stay awake. The dialogue is not interesting in the least. The acting is nothing special. Your level of appreciation of the creatures will depend on if you lean toward CGI or the practical approach--if you lean toward the latter, your level of snobbery will also play a part in what you think of these guys. I personally found the costumes to be the best thing about this movie, with the sets and locations coming in just behind. Is this enough to make me want to watch the movie again, or search out the original Italian flick? Probably not.
