DEATH SPA

Death Spa Movie Review

Sometime after his wife commits suicide, Michael Evans (William Bumiller) sees his hip spa become the scene of grisly accidents. Could the ghost of his dead wife be haunting the club? Why is she appearing in his dreams? Were they truly accidents? If you've seen this 1988 low-budget film, you know the answers...actually, even if you haven't see it, you still likely know the answers to the questions surrounding Death Spa or,

How Starbody Health Spa

Became

Death Spa

With such a premise, we know we're getting a rather ridiculous movie. The special effects are hilariously bad, and you could probably accurately guess the year this movie was made as well, as this flick has that odd combination of 1980s and 1990s horror films that really only movies that came out in 1988 or 1989 can claim. They sure loved this whole cutting edge computers thing back in the day, and they tease that perhaps a master hacker is behind everything, via computer operated exercise machines. There's actually some recognizable faces here too, led by horror icon Ken Foree. Merritt Butrick of Fright Night 2 fame pops up in what is his final movie appearance--on the flip side, Karyn Parsons, known worldwide as Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and more locally (at least in 1993) as the star of my friend's dreams, makes her film debut.

For you, Jeff

Walking out of this one, more than remembering the movie as a whole, you will likely only recall its parts. Such scenes include a machine designed to work out the shoulders tearing the ribs from a man's body; a woman bleeding to death after an unplugged blender eats her hand; the shower scene from Porky's if the girls had been attacked by hot water, flying tiles, and broken glass; and, probably most memorably, a man being attacked by a reanimated fish.

Fish heads, fish heads

There's a lot to sit through to get to it, but the final act is absolute madness--there's hilarity, chaos, deaths, and cheesy effects to take you to the finish line. It's just a shame the rest of the movie wasn't quite as interesting. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Death Spa Movie Trailer

A QUIET PLACE PART II

A Quiet Place Part II Movie Review

A little over a year after the events of the first movie, Evelyn (Emily Blunt, The Wolfman) and her three children are trying to find a place to live and survive. They come across Emmett (Cillian Murphy, 28 Days Later), a family friend from when things were normal, but in a world where it's seemingly every person for themselves, can he be trusted? 

Would you trust him?

The 2021 sequel follows a similar pattern as the original--the monsters are taking over the planet, and the only way to survive them is to be quiet. They do have a bit more knowledge of the creatures, however, and are more capable of fighting them off now. The movie is largely familiar territory--we even get a look at the moment the beasts begin their attack, and this prequel look is the best part of the movie. The rest plays out with enough actual story and action to be an episode of The Twilight Zone, only dragged out to hit the magical 90 minute mark (or 97 minutes, to be exact). The entire movie unfolds almost exactly as you would expect it to, with little mystery or surprise. The acting is fair, but it's the settings that kind of steal the show, as we see our characters go from small town, to the woods, to an abandoned building, and to their final destinations, which I will not spoil here. The ending is as abrupt as it is unsatisfying. A Quiet Place probably didn't need a sequel, but alas, a sequel we got, and as is the case with most, it's a step down from the original. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

A Quiet Place Part II Movie Trailer

V/H/S/94

V/H/S/94 Movie Review

Remember the days of VHS? The filmmakers here sure do (or at least pretend to), and they are bringing them back in a most 1990's way. Yes, this is the fourth movie in a series that previously brought us V/H/S, V/H/S/2. and V/H/S: Viral. 

"I like them"

We begin with "Holy Hell", which serves as the wraparound story. A SWAT team raids a warehouse, where they discover dead bodies, evidence of ritualistic sacrifices, and other signs of degenerative behavior from a cult group. This is all loud, with tons of audio effects and screaming people, guns, and so on. This part is not written particularly well--in fact, the dialogue is abysmal, and the story is only mildly interesting, leading to a plot twist that is obvious. 

They look suspicious

The first full story we get is "Storm Drain". A news reporter (Anna Hopkins) and camera operator (Christian Potenza) go on location to a storm drain to report on the local legend of a half man, half rat that hangs out in the sewers of Westerville, Ohio, a suburb of my hometown, Columbus. Much like the opening, this one is not written well, with dull dialogue. The reporter interviews a few people, including a guy with an assault rifle who likely wouldn't be allowed within the city limits of Westerville in real life. Another person interviewed is a minister, and he makes a return later in a big way. This one, like every segment in this anthology, borrows heavily from many other films--the ritualistic stuff is fair, but the reveal of the mutant monster is impressive, with a cool creature feature throwback feel. The practical effects, especially with the closing moments, are satisfying as well. The closing also mentions a pumpkin festival of some sort, reminding me of Circleville, Ohio--references to places I grew up only add to my enjoyment of this segment. 

I could see this coming out of Circleville

Next up is "The Empty Wake". A dead man's family requests his wake be recorded all night, and poor Hayley (Kyal Legend) is assigned the job of staying with the body. We find the man had committed suicide, and was so badly mangled the casket is closed. There's not much turn out, and Hayley spends almost the entire time alone--until, of course, the dead man comes to life. This segment does a nice job with a slow burn type approach--not a lot is happening, but with every small step, the tension, and Hayley's fear, builds. What we see when the man emerges from the casket is nothing short of frightening, and the closing minutes of this segment are fantastic. 

If this casket's a-rockin'

In "The Subject", Dr. James Suhendra is experimenting with machine-human hybrids. He is a wanted man, and the police soon track him down, killing him somewhat in cold blood. The police force then find themselves trapped in the building, and doing battle with Suhendra's subjects. Grey area is created when one of the police officers tries to help one of the hybrid monsters, who herself realizes what she has been turn into. Both the best and worst of this segment come visually. The hybrids, especially the one we get the camera point of view from, look stunning. Unfortunately, a decent story gives way to gunfire, gunfire, and more gunfire. Worst of all, once the action really gets going, it looks like we're watching somebody play a first-person shooter video game. I've enjoyed playing those games a time or two in my day (I can't tell you how many quarters I put into the "House of the Dead" arcade back in the day), but watching somebody else play them--especially when what I am trying to watch is a movie--is not my cup of tea. 

Reload!

The final segment is "Terror". In some attempt to make America great again, a wacko militia redneck group that looks like they may be from the aforementioned Circleville plans on bombing a government building in Detroit. Strapped with guns and a combined IQ that would struggle to reach triple digits, the men document their grand plan. Their weapon? The blood of a vampire they have captured. How to use said weapon? Inject the blood into animals and allow sunlight to hit them, blowing them, and everything around them, to bits. The idea is cool, and when the idiots inevitably face off with the vampire, we find the creature looks quite unique and terrifying. Visually, this one has what we expect as well, as it legitimately looks like somebody's home recording from the early 1990's. The beginning of "Terror" is rough, but my goodness, does it ever turn out to be more entertaining than it had any business being. 

If this doesn't say Circleville...

If you gave up on this franchise after Viral, you may want to come back to the series. This one is a Shudder exclusive, and at the time of its release, it was the most successful movie premiere for the streaming service. While not quite as good as the first V/H/S/, it is a step up from the second outing, and much better than Viral. I wish the wraparound story was better, and that "The Subject" would not have gone all "Doom" on us, but "Storm Drain" and "The Wake" are decent, and "Terror" is borderline must-see. The fifth installment, titled V/H/S/99, has been announced, with a release date of October 20, 2022--V/H/S/94 has made me somewhat excited to see this. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

V/H/S/94 Movie Trailer

STRANGER THINGS (Season 4, Volume 2)

 

Stranger Things Season 4, Volume 2 Review

And we’re back. When we last saw our heroes, they were heading full speed toward the inevitable final battles (my review of the first volume of this season can be found here). The second part of season four has just two episodes, but the combined run time of these is over four hours, so don't underestimate the time required to wrap this up. As is tradition with my Stranger Things reviews, I'm applying a spoiler alert here.

Halt! Spoiler Alert!

Having just recalled sending Henry/One off to become Vecna, Eleven has regained her powers, but the battle between Sam Owens (Paul Reiser) and Brenner/Papa (Matthew Modine) over her fate continues. Vecna provides Nancy some rather grim visions of the future, and the Hawkins group plots to destroy him once and for all. Mike, Will, Jonathan, and (unfortunately) Argyle return (they were not in episode 7) and are on their way to find Eleven. Finally, Hopper, Joyce, Enzo, and Murray fight their way out of the Russian prison, only to fight their way back in, and then fight their way back out. 

"I'm so confused"

The final two episodes continue the horror theme set in the first seven episodes, and we see the story unfold quite nicely, with every layer peeled away leading to more intrigue. The visuals continue to stun as well, with the red color scheme of the Upside Down being especially effective. As a fan of the desert, seeing the scenes set there was an enjoyable experience as well. 

 

Out in the desert

Some of the drawbacks from the first volume continue on here--I'm not a big fan of the whole government/military part of the story, and good grief, was there ever a lot of it here. The comedy was off a lot of the time, and provided few actual funny moments--this could have been scaled back, or removed entirely, to focus more on the terror; that said, the Domino's bit, a company that ran Stranger Things promotions this season, made me laugh. The music also continued to largely be a letdown. The first season featured The Clash, Joy Division, and New Order, and seemed to unleash a feast for the ears every few minutes. This season lacked that element, though it did bring Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill", a song a few of we of Gen X have enjoyed for many years, into the lives of millions who never heard it before--much less impressive is the use of Metallica's "Master of Puppets" in an otherwise cool scene (maybe Lars will be able to buy a new Porsche as a result of this). There's also the head-scratching use of Moby's "When It's Cold I'd Like to Die" for the second time in the series (the first time being in season one). Though not a bad song, a track released in the mid-1990's seems way out of place in a show set in the mid-1980's--I'll still take it over Metallica any day though. The musical misfires are somewhat redeemed, however, when "Spellbound", by the eternally awesome Siouxsie and the Banshees, plays. 

I'll save you the trouble

If you have read to this point, you either missed the previous spoiler alerts, or you saw them and decided to press on...in case you missed them, I'm going to throw them out there again, because what follows, more than anything else, qualifies as major spoilers, so...

"SPOILER ALERT!!!"

After the military invades the underground facility that houses Eleven, we see Dr. Brenner shot and killed by a dude in a helicopter--Eleven disposes of them, and in his dying moments, Brenner tells Eleven he only did what was best for her, but she'll have none of it. The California kids arrive soon after, but they don't have enough time to make it to Hawkins, so Eleven piggybacks via Max's mind to help battle Vecna. Meanwhile, the crew in Russia have contact with a government official in America and learn what's happening--they realize that since Vecna and all his creatures in the Upside Down are connected via a hive mind existence, killing the remaining monsters there will help the kids back home. The results are somewhat shocking--new fan favorite Eddie is killed by the bats in the Upside Down, and Max is killed by Vecna...for a minute, anyway, before Eleven brings her back to life. As for Vecna, he pulled the classic horror movie "the good guys think they've killed the villain, but when they go to see the body, he's gone" act. A couple days later, everybody is reunited in Hawkins--Max is in a coma in the hospital, and she's suffered broken arms and legs and may also be blind. Nancy decides (at least for now) to stay with Jonathan instead of Steve. We get the family reunions and see the damage Vecna caused throughout the town. Most importantly, in the final scene, we find the Upside Down is beginning to take over Hawkins, and Will confirms Vecna is still kicking. 

"Well, this is no good"

We know for sure there will be one more season of Stranger Things, and rumor is there will be a time jump leading into it--this will help with the obvious age discrepancy of the kids, but wait too long, and you could still have the same issue. Other than what I previously covered, there are a couple other loose ends that have not yet been tied--Lt. Colonel Jack Sullivan is still on the search for Eleven, we don't know the fate of Owens, Will still seems uncomfortable with the idea of leaving childhood behind, and at least one Russian of questionable morals is aware of these Americans wanted by the KGB still being alive. 

"Wait...you're talking about me!"

Once again, Stranger Things didn't fail to deliver. I loved the focus going back to horror--I cannot express this enough. To me, it was the best thing about season four. The sets and visuals were wonderful, Vecna and the creatures looked cool, and there are some genuinely scary moments this season. The focus is more on the girls (Eleven, Max, and Nancy) than the core four boys this season, and I'm okay with this too. The new characters are a mixed bag--I could certainly do without Argyle and the basketball team, but Henry, Eddie, and Enzo were all welcome additions. I didn't care for the bait and switch of Max dying just to come back to life, but it did result in possibly the strongest dramatic performance we saw all season, when Lucas (Caleb McLaughlin) absolutely breaks down--one has to sort of feel bad for Finn Wolfhard, whose performance in a similar situation at about the same time looked forced and amateurish by comparison. The final few scenes, from the battle with Vecna until "Spellbound" starts playing, have a general feel of sadness--even with seeing Hopper and Joyce reunite with the kids, there is a melancholy that really could be felt throughout most of the season. If not for the first two episodes of the season being so slow, season four would have scored much higher for me--shaving some time off them, and other episodes here and there, could have really done wonders. Even with this, season four was a very fun ride and well worth the extended wait for it, and I'm already itching for that final season.  

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Stranger Things Season 4, Volume 2 Trailer

STRANGER THINGS (Season 4, Volume 1)

 

Stranger Things Season 4 Review

Before we get started--as was the case when I reviewed the second and third seasons of Stranger Things, I'm going to slap a Spoiler Alert on here--this review will reveal some stuff about Season 4, as well as dip into the previous seasons...proceed with caution. 

Extreme caution

At the end of Season 3, we saw Joyce Byers (Winona Ryder) and her kids, Will (Noah Schnapp) and Jonathan (Charlie Heaton), along with Eleven (Millie Bobby Brown), packing up and leaving Hawkins--they landed in California, and the start of Season 4 catches up with them there. Joyce sells encyclopedias (Google it, youngsters), Will misses his friends, Jonathan is a stoner, and Eleven, going by the name Jane Hopper, is picked on by classmates and, as seen near the end of Season 3, no longer has her powers. 

"Why did we leave Hawkins again?"

Meanwhile, back in Hawkins, Steve (Joe Keery) and Robin (Maya Hawke) are still BFFs, working at the video store and trying to pick up chicks. Lucas (Caleb McLaughlin) is on the basketball team, trying to fit in with the cool kids and distance himself from his nerdy friends. Nancy (Natalia Dyer) is struggling with being so far from Jonathan. Max (Sadie Sink) has been trying to come to grips with the loss of her brother and is battling headaches and PTSD. Finally, Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) and Mike (Finn Wolfhard) have joined a new group of older D&D players known as the Hellfire Club, headed up by bad boy (but not really) Eddie Munson (Joseph Quinn).

I'm pretty sure I went to high school with this guy

Last but not least (or maybe so), and this should come as no surprise at all if you have followed Stranger Things at least a little bit the past few years, Jim Hopper (David Harbour) survived Season 3--he's been captured by the Russians and is now in the deadliest of all Russian prisons. 

I'd rather fight the Mind Flayer

The first thing you will likely notice with Season 4 is how the kids have aged--it's been 3 years since Season 3 was released, but in the show, only about half a year has passed. This, of course, has a lot to do with COVID, but it can be jarring seeing the characters who are supposed to be 15 looking more like they're 20, and those who are supposed to be 18 looking like they're pushing 30. It's a challenge to get past this, but you'll get there. The first couple episodes take off slowly--there is a certain feel to Stranger Things, and the first episodes of this season don't quite capture that. As the season moves on, however, there is this wonderful combination of capturing the general feel of the first season while also going in a whole new direction--specifically, season four is less sci-fi and more direct horror. The death scenes are more graphic than anything else we've seen in the series, and there is an overwhelming sense of dread throughout.

The stuff of nightmares?

Hawkins is seeing a series of mysterious deaths, and while the adults (and a group of particularly irritating high school students) blame Eddie (this being in the midst of the infamous Satanic panic of the 1980's, after all), our heroes know better, and go into the Upside Down to find the true culprit--Vecna, a creature who preys on the minds of those with emotional issues as a result of traumatic events. This hellish world is lit up red, with vicious bat-like creatures attacking from all directions. With it's not-so subtle nod to A Nightmare on Elm Street, the visuals of the Upside Down this season are stunning. The colors changing from location to location are effective, and the overall feel is genuinely creepy.

And getting back is fun

Mike, who has travelled out to California for spring break, joins his friends in helping out those back in Hawkins. Eleven is brought into custody for assaulting a bully, but is rescued from the police by Sam Owens (Paul Reiser), who takes her to an abandoned missile silo to work on getting her powers back. The California group split also has Joyce, with the assistance of Murray (Brett Gelman), heading off to Alaska (and Russia) to attempt to rescue Hopper. 

"See him anywhere?"

Believe it or not, this is kind of scratching the surface of everything going on in the fourth season of Stranger Things--honestly, I could go on and on, but I don't want to give away absolutely everything. The acting from the people we're familiar with is on par with what you expect, though some of the characters are written in ways you may not expect--this comes with mixed results, with Max and Lucas both heading in interesting directions. On the flip side, Steve is seemingly dumbed down more (and this is pointed out by other characters) and Robin's character changes so much it's almost as if she's an entirely different person--this may be explained in part by the character coming out near the end of season three and being more comfortable in her own skin, but I don't believe this completely explains the changes in the character. She's gone from witty and sharp to much more air-headed, almost as if she never recovered from the drugging the Russians laid on her the previous season. The old relationship between Steve and Nancy is revisited, and the teasing of them getting back together is heavy. 

"Can't you see us together forever?"

As is tradition, we also meet some new characters--we have Eddie, who will annoy you before you get to see he may actually have some decent qualities (on a side note, when I first saw the character, I thought he was a teacher--a quick Google search reveals Joseph Quinn is 29 years old). Quinn does have the acting chops needed to make the character believable--less believable is Eduardo Franco as Argyle, Jonathan's stoner sidekick who is as cliché as any pot-smoking character in any form of entertainment--he's not interesting, not funny, and is quite possibly the worst character we've seen in the series. The basketball players are a bore, we get an almost carbon copy, Russian version of Murray, and some special agents that do nothing to stand out. On the brighter side, Tom Wlaschiha does a good job as Enzo, and Jamie Campbell Bower is fantastic as a friendly orderly who houses some secrets.

One, specifically

Music plays a huge role in this season, of course, but in more ways than one, as it is the main key to a major plot point. The original music is cool, but the 80's tunes don't shine as much as they did in years prior; there are, however, some gems here and there, and I suspect Kate Bush is about to see her popularity soar to heights not reached in 30 years. 

Maybe she made a deal with God

The episodes have a longer running time than in previous seasons--the first two episodes are slow coming out of the gate, but the five that follow more than make up for that. All the action will keep you glued right up until the cliffhanger...wait, cliffhanger? Indeed, what was released this weekend was not the entire season--instead, what we have seen to this point is Volume 1, with Volume 2 set for release July 1. Hey, we waited this long for a new season, what's another month for the last part of it? Volume 2 will consist of two episodes--my excitement level is cautiously high, and I really, really hope the horror theme is continued. I'm sure I'll be watching that first weekend, so check back for the conclusion of this review soon after!

My Vol. 2 Review can be found here

CHOOSE OR DIE (aka CURS>R)

Choose or Die Movie Review

Kayla (Iola Evans), a college student from the projects, comes across a video game from the 1980s. The game promises a large prize for anybody who defeats it, but the game itself is a deadly one. Needing money for school and to help her mother, Kayla decides to give it a go. This movie, released on Netflix today, April 15, 2022, is the latest in a whole series of movies and shows based on the idea of a video game, app, or game show putting contestants in a game of life or death--when this fad dies, and in the years to come people look back onto it, Choose or Die will likely not be one recalled with great fondness...or recalled at all. 

"That's just mean...but probably true"

The first thing you will likely notice about this movie is the writing--specifically, how poorly it's written. It makes you wonder if the writers were given bonuses for every dropped F-bomb. I once wrote an entire rant about this, but I will shorten it here--profanity is effective when used sparingly, but lazy and off-putting when used in excess. I'd like to say this issue aside, the movie has a lot going for it, but far be it for me to lie to my loyal readers. The acting is awful--Evans is dreadful as the lead, Asa Butterfield is only slightly better as her friend-zoned pal Isaac, and Eddie Marsan (The World's End) isn't believable as Hal, the first person we see play the game and who makes a predictable reappearance at the end--the rest of the acting in the movie, believe it or not, is even worse. The film plods along with little at all advancing the story. With credits, this clocks in at about 84 minutes, but feels twice as long. The idea of the game is as simple as the movie title would imply--the player is given a question with two options and has to choose one of them...or they die.

Tough call

The movie is not all bad. There are a few scenes where, instead of seeing the actors, we see the action play out in the style of a 1980s video game. There are some cool props, especially for those of us who actually remember the 1980s. The highly underappreciated song "Are Friends Electric" by Tubeway Army is featured, as well as music from Run D.M.C....of course, for every good song, there are ones so unbearable I had my girlfriend mute the television. Arguably best of all, horror legend Robert Englund appears as himself, but in the theme of some good, some bad this movie carries, Englund appears in voice form only (though he knocks it out of the park in doing do). Not even Englund's master vocal work makes this movie worth watching though--in fact, just watch the trailer instead, as it pretty much shows the entire film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Choose or Die Movie Trailer

Tubeway Army's "Are Friends Electric"... thank me later

NO ESCAPE ROOM

No Escape Room Movie Review

Teenager Karen (Jeni Ross) and her dad, Michael (Mark Ghanimé of Slasher), see their plans altered when they have car trouble. Stuck in a small town with nothing much else to do, they come across an escape game and, with the encouragement of their waitress, give it a go. Once they are in, there's--you guessed it--no escape. This one is a SyFy original, but there are no 3-headed sharks or giant snakes to be found--no, this is one of a handful of films to have come out cashing in on the popularity of escape games. If you're not familiar with escape games, the basic idea is you are locked into a room or series of rooms and must use clues throughout said room or rooms to escape. You are given a certain amount of time (generally an hour) to do this. My girlfriend and I have done a couple of them, and have had fun each time, so they come with a high personal recommendation. 

"Are you crazy?!"

Once Karen and Michael make it to the spooky house where the game is located, a pretty cool scenario is laid out--we get the backstory of the game/house, complete with a projector displaying grisly and troubling images to accompany the tale. The game starts, and watching the characters come across the clues is fun. Unfortunately, as the game progresses, the story flattens out a bit. The acting is what you would expect from a SyFy flick, with Ghanimé's performance being even worse than what you may picture. The character is fairly sympathetic, but Ghanimé does little to make him likable--Karen, the other protagonist, is a character you will dislike from the start. This being a TV movie, there's not a ton of gore, but there's a scene or two that may surprise you. The events happening in the house are never fully explained, but there is a certain Triangle feel to it. The ending may be a discussion point with whomever you watched the movie with--if you make it that far, as there is a long stretch of little happening, and it is during this time you may decide to check out. As SyFy movies go, this is a little above what is standard--as horror movies in general are concerned, No Escape Room is rather average. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

No Escape Room Movie Trailer

LIFEFORCE

 

Lifeforce Movie Review

A spacecraft in charge of observing Halley's Comet comes across three human-looking space vampires...yes, you read that right. The creatures are brought to Earth, and, of course, chaos ensues. Meanwhile, Col. Tom Carlsen (Steve Railsback) seems to be falling for the female vampire, credited simply as "Space Girl" (Mathilda May)--she spends much of the first thirty minutes of the movie walking around naked and killing people.

This is all you're getting here

This 1985 film, directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre), was a disaster in just about every way possible upon release--it bombed in the box office, was panned by critics, and chopped up by editors. The movie can now be found in the form it was intended to be, but wow, is it ever a bizarre ride. I've really just kind of scratched the surface of the story, but that could be because I'm trying to make sense of the senseless--in fact, don't even bother trying to follow what is going on--just enjoy this movie for what it is. This flick really has it all--the good, the bad, and the so bad it's good, and this starts with the special effects. When they are good, they are fantastic, especially the practical effects. 

Vampire zombie thing

On the flip side, we have the bad...and it's really, really bad.

Outer space discothèque

The acting is much the same, and Railsback is so over the top at times you wonder if what you are seeing is amateur hour or absolute brilliance. There are scenes near the end that, for a few seconds, look like Ghostbusters slipped into some strange parallel universe. There is a fair amount of blood, and Patrick Stewart of X-Men fame even pops in for a little bit. The movie was based on a book titled The Space Vampires, and I don't have any idea how closely it follows said book, but at almost two hours (the uncut version I watched), the movie runs long. This all leads to an ending that is as baffling as the rest of the film. The world was not quite ready for Lifeforce when it was released in 1985...in fact, it probably still isn't ready for it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Lifeforce Movie Trailer

BLOODBEAT

Bloodbeat Movie Review

Sarah (Claudia Peyton) and her boyfriend Ted (James Fitzgibbons) visit his family for Christmas. Soon after, the spirit of a samurai terrorizes the family. Loyal readers, believe me when I tell you the madness of this film does not end there, and trying to do justice to just how off the wall this movie truly is will be a challenge, but I will do my best. The first thing I will do is let you know I am not even going to attempt to explain the plot, as that is so nonexistent you will swear the movie makers were making everything up as they went along. Instead, I will just tell you what happens--insert spoiler alert here. We learn fairly early on there is some psychic connection between Sarah and Cathy (Helen Benton), Ted's mother. We're not sure why, but that doesn't really matter. The first act of this movie really drags, but we do see that Sarah has some also not fully explained connection with the samurai, and when he kills, she either feels pain or gets sexually excited. 

Judge for yourself

We also get to know the characters during this time...okay, not really. None have any depth at all, and each scene seems more random than the one that preceded it. What we do discover is the acting is almost equally bad across the board--I say almost because Benton is hands down the worst of the bunch, though it does seem her performance could have legitimately inspired Lin Shaye's in the Insidious movies. We also discover the technical aspects of this film are lacking just as much. This part of the movie is so inept, in fact, that the director didn't realize they were shooting in a 4:3 ratio (fullscreen) instead of the standard 16:9 (widescreen) until most of the film was shot--this happened because the director of photography thought they were shooting this mess for television. The special effects are wonderfully 1980's cheesy. The sound is atrocious, with the dialogue often being washed out by the noises of everything else...not that much is lost here. We also get a glorious view of the shadow of the camera in one chase scene. 

"Attack of the Killer Cameraman"

The bizarre really is just getting started. Around the time our blue-glow ghost samurai appears, the house briefly becomes...possessed? Whatever is happening, it looks like it was shot with both Poltergeist and The Evil Dead in mind, as the entire kitchen shook, items flew at the poor fella in the room, and I saw something that I had not thought of since I was a child, but recognized immediately.

My Mom had this canister set!

As quickly as this paranormal element is introduced it is removed, but we do have more surprises in store! It turns out Cathy has some powers of her own, and she uses them to fight...the spirits? Though very undefined, the powers do come equipped with the aforementioned special effects. 

Beware the power of the light!

There are several death scenes, though they all lack any truly gory elements. The shortage of blood is made up for in body count--we meet several characters who literally add nothing at all to the movie other than to be victims. Much of this happens in the woods, where Ted's sister Dolly (Dana Day) finds herself near the end. It is in these woods where we get more of those magnificent visuals. 

Samurai vision!

The oddity is really turned up in the end, when we are treated to ten of the greatest minutes in horrible horror history. It starts with Sarah's transformation into...

Yoshi Kwan?

This is followed by several stock footage shots of...a war. Sarah, now in full samurai costume, then goes on a tear, unleashing the fury and wrath, complete with the power of blue beam of doom.

Ted's blue, da ba dee da ba daa

After a couple killings, we get to the final battle, as Samurai Sarah faces off against siblings Ted and Dolly, who suddenly realize they not only have the ability to make some hilarious faces, but ALSO have some unclear psychic skills.

"Doin' that crazy hand jive"

It really is unfortunate that this movie crawls out of the gate. Had the first half of Bloodbeat been even remotely as entertaining as the second half, this could be in the "So Bad It's Good" hall of fame. As it is, the movie is good for one thing--it is the perfect movie for my final review of the year 2020.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Bloodbeat Movie Trailer