BLOODBEAT

Bloodbeat Movie Review

Sarah (Claudia Peyton) and her boyfriend Ted (James Fitzgibbons) visit his family for Christmas. Soon after, the spirit of a samurai terrorizes the family. Loyal readers, believe me when I tell you the madness of this film does not end there, and trying to do justice to just how off the wall this movie truly is will be a challenge, but I will do my best. The first thing I will do is let you know I am not even going to attempt to explain the plot, as that is so nonexistent you will swear the movie makers were making everything up as they went along. Instead, I will just tell you what happens--insert spoiler alert here. We learn fairly early on there is some psychic connection between Sarah and Cathy (Helen Benton), Ted's mother. We're not sure why, but that doesn't really matter. The first act of this movie really drags, but we do see that Sarah has some also not fully explained connection with the samurai, and when he kills, she either feels pain or gets sexually excited. 

Judge for yourself

We also get to know the characters during this time...okay, not really. None have any depth at all, and each scene seems more random than the one that preceded it. What we do discover is the acting is almost equally bad across the board--I say almost because Benton is hands down the worst of the bunch, though it does seem her performance could have legitimately inspired Lin Shaye's in the Insidious movies. We also discover the technical aspects of this film are lacking just as much. This part of the movie is so inept, in fact, that the director didn't realize they were shooting in a 4:3 ratio (fullscreen) instead of the standard 16:9 (widescreen) until most of the film was shot--this happened because the director of photography thought they were shooting this mess for television. The special effects are wonderfully 1980's cheesy. The sound is atrocious, with the dialogue often being washed out by the noises of everything else...not that much is lost here. We also get a glorious view of the shadow of the camera in one chase scene. 

"Attack of the Killer Cameraman"

The bizarre really is just getting started. Around the time our blue-glow ghost samurai appears, the house briefly becomes...possessed? Whatever is happening, it looks like it was shot with both Poltergeist and The Evil Dead in mind, as the entire kitchen shook, items flew at the poor fella in the room, and I saw something that I had not thought of since I was a child, but recognized immediately.

My Mom had this canister set!

As quickly as this paranormal element is introduced it is removed, but we do have more surprises in store! It turns out Cathy has some powers of her own, and she uses them to fight...the spirits? Though very undefined, the powers do come equipped with the aforementioned special effects. 

Beware the power of the light!

There are several death scenes, though they all lack any truly gory elements. The shortage of blood is made up for in body count--we meet several characters who literally add nothing at all to the movie other than to be victims. Much of this happens in the woods, where Ted's sister Dolly (Dana Day) finds herself near the end. It is in these woods where we get more of those magnificent visuals. 

Samurai vision!

The oddity is really turned up in the end, when we are treated to ten of the greatest minutes in horrible horror history. It starts with Sarah's transformation into...

Yoshi Kwan?

This is followed by several stock footage shots of...a war. Sarah, now in full samurai costume, then goes on a tear, unleashing the fury and wrath, complete with the power of blue beam of doom.

Ted's blue, da ba dee da ba daa

After a couple killings, we get to the final battle, as Samurai Sarah faces off against siblings Ted and Dolly, who suddenly realize they not only have the ability to make some hilarious faces, but ALSO have some unclear psychic skills.

"Doin' that crazy hand jive"

It really is unfortunate that this movie crawls out of the gate. Had the first half of Bloodbeat been even remotely as entertaining as the second half, this could be in the "So Bad It's Good" hall of fame. As it is, the movie is good for one thing--it is the perfect movie for my final review of the year 2020.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Bloodbeat Movie Trailer

SILENT NIGHT (2012)

Silent Night Movie Review

A man dressed as Santa Claus is on a killing spree in a small town, and it's up to Sheriff Cooper (the legendary Malcolm McDowell) and Officer Aubrey Bradimore (Jaime King of the 2009 version of My Bloody Valentine) to stop him. This movie is labeled a "loose remake" of the 1984 film Silent Night, Bloody Night--I would put more emphasis on the word "loose" and less on "remake". Sure, there's a murderous Santa, and a couple clever nods to the '84 flick, and even its sequels, but to use the word "remake" here is very much a stretch. One similarity is Santa's tendency to carry an axe, but this Santa also has another favorite weapon.

Yeah, it's a flamethrower

The amount of comedy here is much more than in the original film, and while most of it falls flat, McDowell is hilarious. King is surprisingly likable in the lead role, and Donal Logue also stops by to play a grumpy Santa. Side note--Logue is a talented actor who has been in a million things, but no matter how hard I try to stop myself from doing it, I can only ever see him as one character...

Jimmy!

If you're looking for gore, this is certainly a movie you should check out. Many of the death scenes are nothing short of brutal, while others are oddly approached with a more comedic tone. This brings us to my main issue with this movie--if played as a straight up horror film, it would have been far more interesting. With all the comedy, most of which is painfully bad, the film is just forgettable. The end is somewhat redeeming, if not predictable. As another side note, part of this movie was inspired by a real-life mass murder known as the Covina massacre. In 2008, some moron dressed as Santa Claus killed 9 people at a Christmas party before killing himself...one could argue he was inspired by similar movies, but we'll save the trip down that rabbit hole for another day. Silent Night really isn't a bad movie...it's just not a particularly good one. Keep your expectations low, and watch it for McDowell's performance...it may be all you remember about it a month after watching.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Silent Night Movie Trailer

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker Movie Review

Joe Petto (Hollywood legend Mickey Rooney) and his son, Pino (Brian Bremer, Pumpkinhead), pump out some come-to-life toys that go on a killing spree, taking particular interest in Derek Quinn (William Thorne) and his mother, Sarah (Jane Higginson). There's also another questionable guy named Noah (Tracy Fraim) creeping around. Much as with the fourth installment of this franchise, The Toy Maker has no connection to the characters from the first three movies, but you will see some links to the fourth movie--Clint Howard returns to play Ricky, but not the same Ricky he was in Initiation. Neith Hunter also returns as Kim, but in a much smaller role than in the previous flick, and yes, I enjoy these little nods to the movies that came before this one. 

Clint's also amused

Given the premise of this movie, it goes without saying this is one that comes out of left field, but it is an entertaining ride. I am a bit of a sucker for many movies with killer toys (Puppet Master being my favorite...I'm not a big fan of Child's Play), so I delighted in seeing this part of the film. As many of the toys were of the mechanical variety, the movie also had a bit of a Maximum Overdrive feel to it--yes, this adds to my enjoyment. 

The sinners must be punished

The presence of Rooney in a direct-to-video horror flick is odd and baffling. I couldn't help but wonder how somebody who was such a huge name during his time ended up in this film at his age. Even more mind blowing was seeing him as such an evil character, but he did do a wonderful job, and honestly, just having him in the movie probably brings the entire thing up a point. The acting outside of Rooney is much more what you would expect from a 1991 film with no theatrical release. This outing brings back more of the Christmas theme and slaying Santa found mainly in the first movie of the franchise, which is another nice touch. There's not a ton of gore, but the attack on the babysitter and her guy friend is rather bloody, and very memorable. They go for a twist ending, but if you are paying even the smallest bit of attention to the toy maker and his son's names, you'll see it coming  (go ahead and look back at the beginning of this review). Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 is not a great movie, but it really is one that is fun to watch, and is the best sequel in the franchise. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker Movie Review

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: INITIATION

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation Movie Review

Reporter Kim Levitt (Neith Hunter) investigates the death of a woman who plummeted from the top of a building while on fire, but she soon finds herself in a world of the occult. What does this have to do with the previous three Silent Night, Deadly Night films? Nothing at all. Initiation goes completely away from everything in the first three movies, to the point that you wonder how it even got its title. Yes, it does take place during the Christmas season, but this is very much a background element that plays no real part in the movie. There's no Billy. There is A Ricky (Clint Howard), but not THE Ricky. Worst of all, there's no homicidal Santa. 

We do have Agnes from Moonlighting though!

This movie is just really bizarre and all over the place. Kim hallucinates throughout, but are they really hallucinations? There are cockroaches...so many cockroaches! This movie also steps away from the slasher genre, and is much more science fiction than the previous three movies from the franchise. The story itself is fairly thin, and the acting's not great, but you will likely find yourself sticking it out just because it is so unusual. While that doesn't make the movie good by any stretch, it does bring up the entertainment value somewhat. The practical effects are impressive at times as well. There's nothing outstanding about Silent Night, Deadly Night 4, and it's certainly not one to turn to if you're in the mood for a good Christmas scare. That said, it's a step up from the third movie in the franchise, for whatever that's worth.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation Movie Trailer

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT!

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! Movie Review

After being shot at the end of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, Ricky lives, but is in a coma. 6 years later, doctors are experimenting with ESP, and a young, blind woman named Laura (Samantha Scully) makes a psychic connection with the killer. When Ricky inevitably awakens from his coma, he sets out to kill Laura, and everybody around her, including her brother, who looks like the keyboardist from Bon Jovi.

What a head of hair!

Yes, this movie is just about as bad as it sounds, but you haven't heard it all yet! Ricky is now played by Bill Moseley (House of 1,000 Corpses), who can make a character far more interesting just by making faces than Eric Freeman, the previous Ricky, can with actual dialogue...this is not theoretic either, as that's really all Moseley is allowed to do here. Ricky, who was shot in the chest at the end of the previous film, now has a dome on his head, his brain exposed, to protect an injury that is never explained or shown.

Dementor?

I think the most frustrating thing about this whole thing is that Moseley, the most talented actor in the film, is completely wasted here. I can only imagine how much better Part 2 would have been had Moseley starred as Ricky in that one as well. As for Better Watch Out, the movie just drags. We get some flashback stuff from the first two movies, but they don't take up nearly the time they did in the second film. You're not really given any reason to care about any of the characters in the movie, or even what is happening. The bloodshed is toned down from the second movie as well. This film just plods along, leading to an uninspired ending. If you're a Moseley fan, it may be worth checking out just to see him in this role, or if you are doing a marathon of the franchise, you'll have to watch it; otherwise, you can skip this one. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! Movie Trailer

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 Movie Review

In Silent Night, Deadly Night (my review of which can be found here), Billy sees his parents murdered by a guy dressed in a Santa Claus outfit. Billy grows up, goes nuts, and starts killing people, while himself dressed as the jolly one. In this 1987 sequel, we catch up with Billy's little brother Ricky (Eric Freeman), who is in a mental hospital after also becoming a killer. He tells his doctor, Henry Bloom (James L. Newman), the story of himself and Billy, and this is done through flashbacks from the first film. When I say "flashbacks", don't think a quick minute or two look--almost half of this film is flashback scenes from the first movie...no, I'm not exaggerating. 

Which means Linnea returns

If you are a fan of Silent Night, Deadly Night, you will obviously love this approach--this movie takes every single one of the best clips from the original film, cuts out the filler, and pretty much shows what it would look like if it were an extended Tales from the Crypt episode. Considering how awful the movie is when presenting new shots, you will appreciate the sheer amount of time spent on the first film even more. Freeman's performance as Ricky is...something. I don't know how exactly to describe it other than to say it's so bad you really can't look away, but in a most amusing way. Be sure not to bob your head up and down with the movements of Freeman's eyebrows, as long-term neck trauma may result. There is some gore and interesting death scenes once Ricky is on the loose--the umbrella scene is particularly memorable. The humor in this one is odd--when the movie tries to be funny it falls flat, but there are plenty of unintentional laughs in it. If you're in the mood for a good, scary Christmas horror flick, look elsewhere. If you are trying to find a disjointed, hokey mess, give Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 a shot. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 Movie Trailer

CHRISTMAS EVIL

Christmas Evil Movie Review

We're all familiar with the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"--we hear little Michael Jackson belt it out every year at this time. In the song, Michael tries to convince his brothers he really did see Santa. Now let's imagine Tito convinced Michael that wasn't Santa, but was, in fact, their father in a Santa costume, and as a result of this, Michael is permanently scarred and grows up to be completely disconnected from reality.

Just imagine...

This is essentially what we have going on in this movie...but, you know, it's a guy named Harry Stadling (Brandon Maggart), not Michael Jackson, who sees Mommy and Santa Dad. We catch up with Harry as an adult--he works in a toy factory, is obsessed with Christmas, and, much like Santa, keeps a naughty or nice list for the people around him. After some abuse from co-workers and unfortunate run-ins with some less than desirable people, Harry finally snaps, serving up justice to those on the naughty list while rewarding the kids on the nice list. Watching Harry decline mentally is actually somewhat sad, and in many ways he reminded me of Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver (though Maggart is no De Niro). 

"You talkin' to me?"

There's not a ton of gore in this one, but the couple killings we do see are rather brutal. There are some familiar faces thrown in as well--Jeffrey DeMunn (Dale from The Walking Dead) plays Philip, Harry's brother, and Patricia Richardson makes her film debut, sticking around just long enough to smack her bratty son across the face. An already bizarre film cranks the madness up toward the end, as we see an angry mob with torches in hand chase after Harry--this isn't some Hammer film set in the 1800's here--this is an angry mob, with torches in hand, chasing a guy in a film set in 1980! This holds not even a flicker of a candle to the ending, however--if you've ever seen Grease and wondered what that ending may look like in a slasher flick set during Christmas 1980 (who hasn't had that thought?), you must hunt this film down. 

Merry Christmas to all...

Forty years after the making of this movie, we have seen many flicks that feature a guy dressed like Santa Claus killing people--there are ones out there that contain much more blood and guts, are crisper on a technical standpoint, and certainly slicker than this one--that said, there may not be one that will make you actually think as much as Christmas Evil does, and most likely not another one that makes you feel so bad for the murderer. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Christmas Evil Movie Trailer

SHE DEMONS

She Demons Movie Review

Three people stranded on an island find it is also inhabited by Nazis and, you guessed it, she demons. Released in 1958, this movie is largely the standard "white American folks stuck on an exotic island" fare of the time (though in this one, they are joined by Sammy Ching, played by Victor Sen Yung, who, while American, was of Chinese descent), complete with a sort of tribal dance. There is also a lot of unexpected comedy, especially from Sammy, who seemingly got paid by the one-liner for this one. The she demons are not, in fact, demons, but...actually, we'll get to them later--for now, we'll just say they add the slight bit of horror in this movie. Oh yeah, the movie also is an early entry into what would become known as Nazisploitation, or Nazi Exploitation films--this subgenre hit the peak of its popularity in the 1970's, so She Demons, while not the first film to feature such elements, was certainly ahead of its time. 

Though Ilsa it's not

We eventually find out that Nazi Col. Karl Osler (Rudolph Anders) has created the she demons in an attempt to restore the beauty of his wife, Mona (Leni Tana), who was scarred during an accident and wears bandages around her face and head. Once we find this out, we naturally stick around to see what she looks like under those rags, and wow, that payoff is executed well. As for the she demons, they are just women who Osler has experimented on, using heat from lava...or something...and the earth's core and perpetual motion play a role...if you've seen these 1950's sci-fi flicks, you know to expect this sort of scientific nonsense--anyway, the experiments leave the women disfigured. 

"My, what big teeth you have"

The acting in this movie is abysmal--our lead, Fred Maklin (Tod Griffin), is as wooden as it gets. With his fake radio announcer voice and lack of any emotion, one would swear he was pulling a parody of actors from similar films from the era--Irish McCalla of Sheena, Queen of the Jungle is only slightly better as spoiled rich girl Jerrie. The film itself features favorites such as stock footage and superimposed shots--the scene of the heroes in front of the flowing lava near the end is especially amusing. There is a lot to sit through to get there, but once the shipwrecked trio discover the Nazis and she demons, the movie does become entertaining. While not a feature I would search out again, She Demons turned out to be a slight bit better than I expected it to be.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

She Demons Movie Trailer

OPEN 24 HOURS

Open 24 Hours Movie Review

 After being released from prison for setting her boyfriend on fire, Mary (Vanessa Grasse, Leatherface) gets a job working over night at a gas station. Having watched her boyfriend kill several girls, Mary now suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and has hallucinations of extreme violence. During her first night on the job, Mary has visions of her boyfriend and others--are they real, or all in her head? This is the question and premise of this 2018 flick 

Can you see him?

The main issue with this movie is the lengths it goes to make everything happening so implausible you really don't care if what she is seeing is real or not. This is one of those movies where the killer knows precisely what every single other character will do at every moment. Speaking of the killer (or killers), he/she/they wear an outfit that will put you in mind of several other movies--I'll let you count them. The acting is decent, and probably a little better than I expected it to be. Horror fans will likely recognize at least one actor in this one--Brendan Fletcher of Freddy vs. Jason fame plays Mary's co-worker Bobby. 

Maybe you won't recognize him

There's plenty of ridiculousness going on throughout this movie. How did the killer know what everybody was going to do? How did nobody see him do it? Why did Bobby let Mary have the shotgun when she could barely control herself and he seemed relatively fine? Not all is bad though. The killings are brutal and look quite convincing. There's also a couple twists that, while not completely unpredictable, are entertaining enough. The final battle between Mary and the killer leaves a lot to be desired, but did remind me just a bit of The Lost Boys, and that's never a bad thing. Open 24 Hours is a middle of the road type horror movie--you may enjoy it while watching, but won't watch it again...unless it is so unmemorable you actually forget you have already seen it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Open 24 Hours Movie Trailer

THE INVISIBLE MAN (2020)

The Invisible Man Movie Review

A few years back, Universal announced their plan to create what they termed "Dark Universe", a collection of remakes of the classic Universal horror films. They had planned out which films would open in which order, had allegedly signed many stars to be in the movies, and they kicked it all off in 2017 with The Mummy, a Tom Cruise action flick that was bashed by critics and bombed at the box office. The film dropped hints at movies that were to follow, but after what they deemed a failure to launch, Universal scrapped the whole Dark Universe idea of tying all the films together, and decided to take a less ambitious approach--no more A-list stars, and no more $125,000,000 budget. For their remake of The Invisible Man, they turned to the masters of low-budget, big screen horror films, (Blumhouse Productions), a director and writer with a swell writing resume (Leigh Whannell, Saw, Insidious), and a star who, while no household name (yet), has turned a lot of heads the past few years (Elisabeth Moss of The Handmaid's Tale). What could they do with a budget of "just" seven million dollars, or roughly 5.6 percent that of The Mummy?

"Choose your words wisely"

I'll get this out of the way now--this movie is far different from the 1933 film it is a remake of. If you have seen the original, you know the movie surrounds Dr. Jack Griffin, played wonderfully by Claude Rains. The remake is less about the actual invisible man and more about Cecilia Kass (Moss), the woman he is tormenting. Also, Jack becomes Adrian here--remember when I mentioned the stars Universal had in place for these movies? Johnny Depp was originally set to play Griffin, but he was replaced by relative unknown Oliver Jackson-Cohen, who may as well have been a cardboard cutout in his scenes--he really is that stiff, and the world will have to settle for wondering what could have been had Depp remained a part of the project. Moss, on the other hand, is wickedly good as the woman slowly falling into madness. The writing and directing are slick, and the visual effects are...different, but they work. At just over two hours, the movie feels a bit too long--cutting some of the scenes of Kass and her new housing near the start would have helped tremendously, but once the movie gets going, it maintains its suspense throughout. The ending, while not on the level of some of the other stuff Whannell has given us, is quite memorable and executed well. I'm going to be honest--when I saw the cast and the trailer for this film, I had no interest, but having checked it out, I will admit to being pleasantly surprised. 

"That's acceptable" 

On June 15, 2017, I wrote about Dark Universe. In that piece, I shared my thoughts on how I believed Universal should approach the remakes: "First and foremost, and this may seem obvious, but MAKE THE MOVIES DARK! Bypass the action adventure feel and the cheesy one-liners you gave us in The Mummy and go back to what the original films were: scary!" I added: "Finally, and possibly most importantly, I would forget the huge budget and especially the CGI. Have the guts and originality to make these movies without the crutch of CGI....Put these movies together the way they were meant to be, and you will not only win over the love of the millions of people who grew up watching the original films, but you will also pull in the people tired of watching overblown CGI-ridden snoozefests--plus you will save tons of money, enabling the profits to be much greater." As I mentioned, the 2020 remake of The Invisible Man was made for seven million dollars. To date, they have grossed over one hundred thirty million worldwide. Universal...when should I be expecting my check in the mail?

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

The Invisible Man Movie Trailer