WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS

Werewolves on Wheels Movie Review

A biker gang comes across a group of Satanic monks, resulting in werewolves. No, there's not a typo in there anywhere, and I didn't dream this one up. This really is the basic premise of this 1971 movie that combines the horror genre with the ever-growing 1970's biker gang genre (I'm not making that up either). If you've never watched a biker gang movie, they are often filled almost exclusively with bikers riding around, smoking weed, drinking beer, and causing mayhem--this movie has plenty of that going on, including using real bikers, but there's also a lot of bikers frolicking and hugging each other as they roll down hills. 

I'm not making this up either

The movie certainly leans more toward biker flick than horror film, and when the werewolves are revealed, they are far from scary, but wonderfully simplistic. 

This beats CGI all day, every day

Sure, this movie is shot on the cheap, but honestly, there's tons to love about it. If you are a fan of the desert (as I am), you will love the locations. The music is good as well, capturing that early 1970's folksy-type sound. The dialogue will not do much for you, but it may provide a laugh, especially when the Satanic leader is explaining how and why he is setting up his ritual as if he is making a how-to video. You may also delight in the "wisdom" dispersed by Tarot, the resident biker guru. This being 1971, there's a good chance many of the people involved in making this movie were on drugs, and this shows through in this movie. Some of the stranger scenes feature the bikers and Satanic monks engaging in the one of the weakest looking fights you'll likely ever see, a mysterious cloud and wind swallowing the bikers and dumping them on sand dunes, and a biker chick who looks like she could be Diane Lane's mom beginning her transformation into a werewolf by...dancing with a snake.

She dances badly too

The most unfortunate thing about this movie is, despite the title, there are very few werewolf sightings, and when we do see them, it's brief. Make no mistake--this is not a good movie by any stretch, and almost everybody who watches it will dislike it; that said, if you are into 1970's B movies, this one is must-see, and had a lot of fun watching it--and I'm not making that up.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Werewolves on Wheels Movie Trailer

THE REJECTED

 

The Rejected Movie Review

A middle-aged man experiences strange happenings at night, so he sets up cameras to capture whatever is taking place--think Paranormal Activity, but with less complex equipment. What is happening to this guy isn't the work of ghosts or an evil spirit, however--are you ready for this surprise? IT'S ALIENS!!...oh wait, you're right. The picture above gives that away. The presentation of this is one that claims this is discovered footage, and it's all real...think The Blair Witch Project here. There are practically no credits at the end, as they are limited to a 2018 copyright to the company POV Horror. Like so many movies that have come out before it, what we see is the found footage put together to kind of tell a story. For much of this movie, we see the result of two different cameras rolling at the same time. 

Whole lotta this goin' on

This movie suffers from the same things almost every other found footage movie suffers from--at the forefront of this is the fact the person shooting the footage continues to do so, even while in extreme peril. Call me crazy, but if I have aliens abducting me, my first thought will not be to grab my phone so I can document the entire event. The acting is almost exclusively from the mystery man--we don't know who he is, as, again, there are no credits, and it seems the makers of this movie have gone to lengths to keep this film off IMDb as well, so don't go there for answers. Whoever the guy is, he does a decent job, but is in no way strong enough to carry a movie himself--his acting in the scene where he is supposed to be crying was painfully bad. The special effects are really not too bad for what must have been practically no budget, so some credit has to be given there. While there are some uneasy moments in the movie, the whole thing falls apart in the last 15 minutes. The Rejected turned out to be a little better than I expected it to be, but I had the bar set rather low from the start. This is certainly not a movie I would recommend going out of your way to find. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Rejected Movie Trailer

THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN JACK

The Legend of Halloween Jack Movie Review

Alleged killer Jack Cain (William Wolfe Hogan) avoids prosecution due to a technicality. Now the families of the two children he is accused of killing seek out vigilante justice. A year after being killed by the group, Cain returns, looking like a wicked scarecrow meets the killer from Smiley, and he's out for revenge! 

I really need to review Smiley some day

This 2018, which certainly found much inspiration from Dark Night of the Scarecrow, comes from Wales, UK--I may be off on this, but I have always pictured Wales being to the UK as, say, Arkansas or Kentucky is to the United States--I think this movie may back this theory, as the dialogue is as dreadful as listening to a conversation between a couple locals from either of those "fine" states. The movie starts off hot, with clips from legendary public domain films such as Nosferatu, White Zombie, The Cabinet of Caligari, Night of the Living Dead, and Carnival of Souls. Most unfortunately, seeing clips of other movies is the best thing about watching this one. The scares are none. The blood and gore are little, with most killings taking place off screen. If you catch this on Tubi, you will see the rating TV-14, but there's lots of profanity in this one, so parents beware--this would be a solid R rating in the United States. There's several attempts at humor throughout, but it all falls flat. Perhaps worst yet, this movie introduces the world to the worst Halloween party any movie has ever seen--it's about 6 dudes in the lamest Halloween costumes a couple quid could buy. There is a slight bit of a twist, and seeing the people who killed Jack try to cover their tracks was mildly interesting, but otherwise, there's nothing to see here. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

The Legend of Halloween Jack Movie Trailer

BLOOD WIDOW

Blood Widow Movie Review

 A young couple moves into a new house. They soon throw a party, and many of the folks at it find their way to a mysterious house next door. What they don't know is a sadistic killer is hiding out there. This 2014 film is brought to us by a few grads of Full Sail University, which is right up the road from where I live. People in Central Florida who moved here expecting to start a career in the production world know Full Sail students as the people professionals turn to, as they will do almost anything for college credits--so the people producing projects get out of paying for work they should be paying people to do, Full Sail students get experience and, if they're lucky, credits for work they should be getting paid to do, and people who already have degrees (including Full Sail graduates) end up getting no work at all...not that I'm bitter or anything...

Anyway, director Jeremiah Buckhalt had just graduated from the school and gathered up a bunch of fellow students and some friends, and about $65,000, to make this little horror flick. The movie opens well enough, but once we meet the couple, and worse, their friends, our hopes for this movie diminish...but hang in there. The acting is abysmal. To get enjoyment from this movie, you really have to work hard to get past that. The killer will help you with this, as she looks really cool.

Don't ask how she got though that window

Who or what is Blood Widow? Who knows...moreover, who cares? She unleashes tons of carnage, so it really doesn't matter. There's loads of blood and gore in this movie, so if you're into that, you'll want to track this movie down. Some of the effects used look great...others look so bad and fake you'll laugh, but in a good way. Unfortunately, between the death scenes, there's not much happening to keep your attention. You will want to stick around for the final scene, however--it's unexpected and really very against the grain--when you see it, you will not be surprised to find there is a sequel in the works--look me up if you're shooting in Florida again (but note, I don't work for college credits or to see my name on IMDb).

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Blood Widow Movie Trailer

JENNIFER

Jennifer Movie Review 

Jennifer Baylor (Lisa Pelikan), a poor girl from West Virginia, attends Green View, an all-girls school overrun with snobs in both the student body and the faculty, and almost all of them pick on Jennifer. What they don't know about Jennifer is she has a special connection with snakes; she can handle and control them, a power she hates, but one her father (Jeff Corey) wishes she would embrace. Naturally, after taking the bullying for too long, Jennifer snaps, and gets her revenge in sweet, slithery fashion!

"ssssic 'em"

 If you are a long-time reader, you know I often talk about watching horror movies with my Mom when I was a kid. There are many films that remind me of those days--Creepshow, Carrie, Sssssss, and Fright Night are just a few that come to mind, but more than those, and more than any other film, when I think of watching horror movies with my Mom when I was young, I think of Jennifer. I can recall waiting up at night for her to get off work--she would come home with a movie for us to watch, and many times, Jennifer was the choice. As the years went by, this movie became harder to find, and seemed to vanish from the face of the planet. I went many years without watching it, until my girlfriend found it on VHS on eBay several years ago and surprised me with it. I backed it up on DVD, and last night I went to watch it, only to find the DVD missing. Undeterred, I took the VHS (the last, and now only, VHS tape I still own) off the shelf, dug my VCR out from the back of the closet, hooked it up, and popped the tape in...it still plays great! 

Here it is! 

I am honestly shocked I have been doing these reviews for more than ten years now and I have never done a review of this movie. If you have heard of this film, there is a good chance you have heard it referred to as a ripoff of Carrie--this is a fair statement. I have no doubt whatsoever that movie inspired this one, but there is enough going on here to separate it from that classic as well. Pelikan's performance, in my eyes, is on par with Sissy Spacek's in Carrie. I am very surprised Pelikan did not go on to more stardom after this movie--while she did appear in a handful of movies and television shows over the years, she never did reach the level she had the potential to. Corey is also good as her father, and if you watch this and think to yourself "This guy seems like a cross between Harry Dean Stanton and Sam Elliot", you're not alone. Amy Johnston as lead mean girl Sandra is fantastic in her role, and she throws a little intertextuality at us--she mentions not being impressed with John Travolta when they met. Fans of the television show Welcome Back, Kotter will recognize Johnston as Cassy from the two-part "Barbarino In Love". Cassy had a failed relationship in that two-parter with the aforementioned Barbarino, played by, you guessed it, John Travolta. 

This could have been you, Vinnie

One of the real strengths of this movie is the pace. It moves quickly, and the bullying doesn't become particularly repetitive as it does in many other movies. There are also several unexpected moments, including the bullies turning on one of their own. The music is shaky--there is an original song used for the opening, and it's...rough. If disco is your thing, there is a very catchy song playing during the club scene--it's not my cup o' tea, but my girlfriend loves the song. One thing that baffles me about this movie is the rating--I know things were different in the 1970's, but this one is rated PG, despite having plenty of profanity, a fair bit of nudity, and, you know, snakes killing people. I am certain this movie would get a solid R rating if it were released today, so keep that in mind. I don't know if this has ever been restored, but my VHS viewing experience was a film transfer, complete with scratches and cigarette burns, and I absolutely love this presentation. The ending feels a little rushed, and the bright lights everywhere are something I could have done without, but it is still wonderful, and you will cheer out loud for it. I will admit I hold some sentimental bias with this movie, but if last night was the first time I had ever seen this movie, I would still love it and give it a full recommendation.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 9

Jennifer Movie Trailer

WALK OF THE DEAD (aka Vengeance of the Zombies, aka La rebelión de las muertas, aka...)

Walk of the Dead (Vengeance of the Zombies) Movie Review

A brainwashing weirdo (Spanish b-horror legend Paul Naschy) brings back recently murdered women to form an army of zombies.

Here are a few now

 Fun fact right out of the gate: the female lead is played by a woman named Romy...no last name. Just Romy. Here's another fun fact: this 1973 film was released under at least 17 different titles. It was originally released in its native Spain as La rebelión de las muertas. Here in the States, its premiere title was Vengeance of the Female Zombies, it was dubbed as Vengeance of the Zombies, and was reissued as Walk of the Dead (the title it carried when I caught it on Tubi). I can't speak for any other version, but the presentation of the one on Tubi is wonderful--with all the skips, pops, buzzes, and scratches, you can almost get the feel you are in a 1970's drive in theater or grindhouse and can practically hear the projector running. As one may expect, this movie is filled with weird stuff. There's zombies, voodoo, sacrifices, and a bizarre dream sequence that features Satan himself (also Paul Naschy)

There's too much going on here

Honestly, it's kind of hard to keep up with this movie because 1) the dubbing is suspicious and 2) the lack of direction is staggering. The dialogue is mind-numbing, so honestly, if you decide to search this movie out, just forget the story entirely and enjoy the presentation. Aside from the film's about to fly off the projector presentation, there's still more to love about the visuals here--the movie is bloody, and this is pulled off brilliantly. You'll know when this is coming too, and this is one of my favorite things about this movie--before anything gory happens, there is a horn sound and a graphic that reads "Shock Notice", but most of the time you can't see all the letters. This will flash and sound for a few seconds before going away, and the movie picking back up right where it left off. 

I can't make this stuff up

The visual awesomeness doesn't stop there, however. Believe it or not, there are some scenes that are absolutely terrifying and may have you turning the lights on. There is some unintentional hilarity as well, as technically speaking, the movie does have its shortcomings--the woman rolling over on the bed and practically taking out the camera was fantastic. Most unfortunate is that for a movie that is so out there, the end is as dull as possible, leaving the viewer frustrated and disappointed. That aside, this was a really fun, odd movie. If you're looking for something out of the ordinary to watch in the middle of the night or around Halloween, give this one a shot. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Walk of the Dead (Vengeance of the Zombies) Movie Trailer

WICKED LAKE

Wicked Lake Movie Review

A group of...I don't know if they are supposed to be demented or rednecks or just general degenerates...they're sort of a dime store version of the Sawyer/Hewitt family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre...anyway, these idiots begin terrorizing a group of four chicks you may find at your local strip joint, but the hunters become the hunted when the women unleash a surprise. Right from the opening, you realize this movie had little to no budget, but we know that alone is not reason to give up on it; that said, you will not be surprised to find the acting is horrendous, the dialogue is mind-numbing, and the story is thin--so thin, in fact, you will find seemingly countless minutes filled with the aforementioned women getting naked and dancing, so I guess if hitting the strip clubs is your thing, you can skip getting the singles and pop this movie in. 

Better yet, pass up both and keep reading

Everything in this movie plays out precisely as you expect it to--I'm going to assume you will never watch this movie, but if you decide to, here comes a spoiler alert--this movie gives us a similar twist as one in the modern-day classic Trick 'r Treat, but everything about that was superior to what Wicked Lake presents, from the acting to the likability of the girls to the unpredictability to the special effects to...literally everything. The full moon seems to imply they are werewolves, but they drink blood as if they're vampires, and also make reference to being witches. If they said exactly what they are supposed to be, I missed it, but it really doesn't matter. 

They ain't got nothing on this pack

 Naturally, there are attempts at humor, and not a bit of it draws so much as a slight laugh. There are exactly two things about Wicked Lake that surprised me: Ministry front-man Al Jourgensen makes a brief appearance in this film and also did the music for it, and Angela Bettis (Carrie, May), one of my personal favorite horror actresses, makes a very quick cameo. How these two legends in their own fields got roped into this mess of a film is beyond me, but if you are a fan of either, and need to see/hear absolutely everything they have ever done, check out this movie...there's no other reason to watch it. If you do decide to torture yourself, however, I'll let you know there are some shots that play during the credits--you'll be shocked to hear these are of the four women dancing and being naked, but if you have ever cared to hear what it would sound like if Ministry covered "What a Wonderful World", you may want to check it out; also, half way through the credits we get a bonus scene featuring a gag that was beaten to death all throughout the movie...you won't care about this.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Wicked Lake Movie Trailer