MALATESTA’S CARNIVAL OF BLOOD

Malatesta's Carnival of Blood Movie Review

The Norris family, in search of their missing son and brother, come across a strange carnival. They decide to stick around, convinced they will find their missing family member, but instead find the carnival houses a vampire and many cannibals. Before we get to the story we see in this movie, let's talk about a much more interesting (and coherent) story. When this movie was released in 1973, the audience despised it so much the filmmakers ordered all copies destroyed. It was thought to have been gone forever until, in the early 2000's, a copy was found and the movie made it to DVD.

Now we all get to enjoy the ride...except him

The story in the actual movie is far less...actually, let me stop there. There really isn't a story in this movie except for the general premise I laid out above. What we see unfold is, to be nice, unconventional. Instead of being presented as introduction-conflict-suspense-conclusion, we get a series of scenes with seemingly no flow, making the film feel more like an extensive dream sequence than a traditional movie. The psychedelic use of colors and the music only enhances the dreaminess of the flick.

Groovy

Unfortunately, the acting and particularly the makeup bring this movie down considerably. Naturally, most of the actors are unknowns, but a keen eye will spot Burt Young from the Rocky films and if your Grandmother watched Fantasy Island when you were very young, you may recognize midget Hervé Villechaize as Bobo. The blood is so bright red it's almost neon--while I usually hate this in movies (this was used a lot in the 1960's and 1970's), it is oddly fitting in this one. The shots of the dilapidated amusement park are nice and may make you yearn for a simpler time. The entire film is truly a surreal experience--your enjoyment of this movie will depend on variables such as your openness to such non-traditional films, your mindset when watching, and the time of day--this movie will connect with you a lot more at 2:00 AM than it will at 2:00 PM.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

I couldn't find a trailer for it, but, at least as of right now, you can check it out on Tubi here: https://tubitv.com/movies/505006/malatestas_carnival_of_blood

CHEMICAL PEEL

Chemical Peel Movie Review

A chemical spill forces a group of women to be trapped in a house, but what happens when the outbreak enters their domicile? That's what we have going on in this 2014 low budget, gross-out indie flick. The premise of this movie is quite good, and I was certainly sold on it. The delivery, however, is lacking, and it starts with the character development...or lack thereof. Two of them are sisters, and they don't like each other--this stems from one of them accidentally killing their younger sister in a car accident. That is really as much as is put into any of the characters, and honestly, you won't care about this story, though it does play into the ending a bit. Truly, the only appeal with this movie comes with what happens to the characters when they come in contact with the contaminated air--to say it's messy is an understatement.

This is a mild example

As somebody who didn't know any better, when I saw the title, I assumed Chemical Peel was a play on words--there's a chemical spill leading to skin peeling off the victims. Little did I know, there is such thing as a chemical peel. According to the fearmongers at WebMD, "Chemical peels can improve the skin's appearance. In this treatment, a chemical solution is applied to the skin, which makes it "blister" and eventually peel off. The new skin is usually smoother and less wrinkled than the old skin." So it's kind of like a snake shedding its skin, or like when I was a kid and would put Elmer's Glue on my hand, wait for it to dry, then peel it off, imagining it was my skin--I got bored at school easily. Anyway, this movie is nothing special and not worth hunting down.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Chemical Peel Red Band Movie Trailer

CRAWL

Crawl Movie Review

Haley Keller (Kaya Scodelario, The Maze Runner) ignores Category 5 hurricane warnings and rushes to save her father Dave (Barry Pepper, 61). Once she arrives at his house, Haley finds her dad trapped in his basement, with mammoth alligators all around. The rest of the movie follows Haley and Dave as they not only battle the reptilian danger, but also rising waters that alternately appear muddy and clear, depending on the scene. I wanted to catch this one when it hit theatres in 2019, but I never got around to it--when my girlfriend found it in Redbox months later, we knew we had to give it a shot, and I'm really happy we did! This movie delivers exactly what you want from such a film--giant creature awesomeness, lots of destruction, some unexpected gore, and a ride that starts almost immediately and lasts until the very end.

This is just the beginning!

There is plenty of suspense, and many scenes that are so unexpected you will audibly gasp. The acting is...strange. Scodelario is what you expect, but Pepper's performance is off, but in a way that matches the ode to creature features past nicely. I would have liked to have seen practical effects used instead of CGI, as that would have really driven home the homage to the 1950's films this is surely inspired by, but I have to accept the fact that movie makers with the budgets to do so will skip the cheaper approaches (the budget for this, by the way, was thirteen and a half million, and was produced, in part, by Sam Raimi). Even with the CGI, Crawl is a really wild, fun movie to watch (complete with fantastic closing credits music), and be sure to mind the real message delivered here--don't move to Florida!

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Crawl Movie Trailer

SIREN

Siren Movie Review

Four guys out for a bachelor party end up in a mysterious house; here, they help a woman held against her will escape--what they don't realize is the woman isn't quite human. A spin-off of the first (and best) segment from the anthology film V/H/S, this movie basically expands on the story of succubus Lily (Hannah Fierman), as she finds another guy to obsess over.

"I like you"

I was excited when I heard this 2016 film was being made, but for whatever reason, seemed to just miss it when I would go to watch it. When I stumbled across it while scrolling through the wasteland that is horror films on Netflix, I couldn't wait to see what they did with this character, by far the most interesting of any of the V/H/S films. Unfortunately, save for the opening sequence, we spend a lot of this movie waiting for Lily to make an appearance. In the meantime, we have the four guys--surprisingly, they managed to make two of them likable, while one is obnoxious enough to make you want to kill him yourself, and the fourth guy is just there to fill up the car. The mystery house actually has a couple other creatures, which is interesting, but the CGI with them, and Lily, for that matter, is a struggle. The more we find out about the owner of the "club" that is housed where Lily is captured, the more we roll our eyes--to say a large bit of this is borrowed from Hostel is being kind. Another issue I had with the Lily character is how compassionate she was made--did we forget at some point she is a demon?! She is made into a hero of sorts in the end, and while her destructive rampage was awesome, her sympathetic side after said destruction is baffling, and the final scene somehow manages to simultaneously fix this issue and make it worse. As a side note, if you have seen V/H/S and are wondering if this movie is a found footage one, it's not. In spite of all my complaints, Siren really is not a bad horror film. It brings some scares, bloodshed, decent characters, and an interesting story--it just doesn't live up to its potential. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Siren Movie Trailer

THE ALPHA INCIDENT

The Alpha Incident Movie Review

Deadly organisms from Mars are accidentally let loose on a train. At the next station the train (and the pace of the movie) come to a screeching halt, as a quarantine is ordered. What we're left with is a handful of uninteresting characters talking...and talking...and talking for the remainder of the film. Released in 1978, this movie is a true test of your dedication to making through a showing in one sitting. At 95 minutes, this movie truly feels at least twice as long. There is but one character in this movie who is somewhat likable and, of course, they kill him off before reaching the half-way mark.

"Spoiler Alert!"

Toward the end of the movie we FINALLY see what happens to the infected, and that is entertaining in a so bad it's good way, so there's that. Honestly, loyal readers, I wish there was more to say about this movie, but there really isn't. It's not an exaggeration to say that at least 98 percent of this movie is untalented actors reading the lines from a poorly written script with no story advancement, suspense, horror, or anything of any interest at all actually happening. In reality, this is two out of ten, but I'm feeling nice, so I'll add an extra point just for my man Buck Flower being in the film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

I couldn't find a trailer, but the entire movie is out there...I like you too much to link that here. 

READY OR NOT

Ready or Not Movie Review

Grace (Samara Weaving) marries Alex (Mark O'Brien), joining a very wealthy family. But before this is made official, she has to play a game. Is it checkers? Backgammon? Chess? No, it's hide-and-seek.

"This sounds fun!"

That seems harmless enough, but you ARE on a blog dedicated to horror films, so you know there's a catch to this game. The Le Domas family have their fortune in part due to a vague pact made generations ago, and when the newest family member draws hide-and-seek as their wedding night game, the game is a deadly one--the family must kill the would-be new family member before sunrise, or the entire Le Domas family dies. This 2019 box office hit blends comedy and horror, but unfortunately, never really finds the right formula to pull it off. With such an absurd premise, one wonders how much better this could have been had they focused more on the comedic element--or made the comedy it does contain funnier. While there is a laugh out loud moment or two, most of the comedy is more along the lines of "look, that old guy just dropped an F-bomb". The acting is fair, with Adam Brody of Gilmore Girls fame standing out as the sympathetic brother-in-law. Weaving will also grow on you as the film progresses.

"Wait...if I kill them all, I inherit the fortune!"

There is quite a bit of blood in this one, so if nothing else, that will keep you going. The ending very much has a 1980's feel to it, and finally brings the level of over-the-top action that should have been present throughout. One could make the argument this movie was influenced by You're Next--I think you could call this a rip-off of that film and be accurate. While Ready or Not is not a bad horror movie, one can't help but wonder how much better it could have been with a bit more originality. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Ready or Not Red Band Movie Trailer

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (Zombieland 2)

Zombieland: Double Tap Movie Review

Set (and released) ten years after the original film, we find Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson, Natural Born Killers), Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg, Now You See Me), and Wichita (Emma Stone, La La Land) searching for Little Rock (Abigail Breslin, Maggie) after she runs off with a hippie pacifist (Avan Jogia).In the years since the original Zombieland, the four have taken up residency in the White House, and the zombies have evolved--there are now Hawkings (smart zombies, named for Stephen Hawking), Ninjas (ones who sneak up on you), Homers (the ones so dumb they pose little threat and named in honor of Homer Simpson), and, as they find out later, T-800's, zombies that are practically indestructible and named in honor of The Terminator.

"A zombie that is hard to kill? Interesting..."

Much like the first movie, this one is filled with a nice combination of gore and laughs. Harrelson and Eisenberg are as wonderful as they were in the first movie, and Stone steps it up a bit more, bringing much more personality to her character this time around. Breslin is not in the movie as much as you would think she would be, and she is sort of replaced for much of the film by Madison (Zoey Deutch), a girl who Columbus gets with while Wichita briefly runs off--she tags along when Wichita returns. Deutch does a good job here, but my goodness, the character is so irritating you cheer for the zombies to kill her. The film features a particularly interesting gag no doubt lifted from Shaun of the Dead--Tallahassee and Columbus meet up with their doppelgangers, Albuquerque (Luke Wilson, Vacancy) and Flagstaff (Thomas Middleditch, Godzilla: King of the Monsters) respectively. Middleditch is especially good in this role, as he is almost a carbon copy of Eisenberg. Less impressive is Rosario Dawson as as Nevada, Tallahassee's would-be love interest. I am not a fan of Dawson to begin with, and her performance here did nothing to change my opinion of her. When we get to the final confrontation at the end, there is a lot of hit or miss with many of the characters we meet, but overall, this movie provides pretty much what we expected--a lot of laughs, a lot of blood, and an ending that wraps up everything nicely. Look for small references, wonder why Tallahassee has apparently overcome his Twinkie obsession, and hang tight for the credits to see a bit of a prequel to the first movie. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Zombieland: Double Tap Movie Trailer

MIRROR MIRROR

Mirror Mirror Movie Review

After moving into a new house with her mom, teenager Megan (Rainbow Harvest--yes, that's her real name) finds an old mirror in her bedroom. Being the new girl in school (and looking like she just walked out of a Siouxsie and the Banshees concert), Megan is picked on by the popular girls. Eventually Megan realizes the mirror in her bedroom has some dark powers, and she figures out how to use those powers to gain revenge on her bullies. This hidden gem comes to us from 1990, and you can really tell this, as it still has that 80's-horror feel to it while also providing a peek at what was to come in the 90's. Harvest pulls off the New Wave/Goth look nicely, and, unlike actresses with a similar look in tons of other films, is actually believable as this character.

"Have you heard the new Depeche Mode album?"

Aside from looking like a girl I would have hung out with in the 90's, Harvest brings a wonderful wickedness to her character, as we see her slowly transform from quiet, moody teenager to vengeful predator. The rest of the cast is pretty much what you would expect from a low budget horror film from this era, but with a few recognizable faces--Karen Black (House of 1000 Corpses, The Pyx), William Sanderson (Blade Runner, Newhart), and Stephen Tobolowsky (Memento, Groundhog Day) all have supporting roles here. 

Ned! Ryerson! 

The characters in the film--especially the teenagers--are rather generic, though the loyalties of one or two may surprise you, as it goes a bit against the grain of what we may predict. Many of the special effects are shaky, and the climax will fall short of that of Poltergeist (to say they are similar is being nice). That aside, Mirror Mirror is a fun horror film that turned out to be much better than I anticipated. 

On A Scale of One To Ten: 7

Mirror Mirror Red Band Movie Trailer

A.M.I.

A.M.I. Movie Review

A woman loses her Mom in a car accident and does what any person would do--she downloads an A.I. app on her phone, manipulates the sounds so it resembles her mother's voice, and names the thing "Mother". Cassie's (Debs Howard) problems don't end there--her boyfriend cheats on her, often with her best friend, and her Dad is a creep. Once Mother figures all this out, she encourages Cassie to kill those around her. Believe it or not, I've managed to make this movie sound much more interesting that it actually is.

"Mom, he's being so mean!"

To call this movie a mess would be making it seem more entertaining than what we get--it's more a combination of everything I hate about people in the 21st Century and everything I hate about being bored. The dialogue is absurd, the characters--ALL the characters--are unlikable, the acting is atrocious, and the directing, the editing are poor at best, and the story...well, you know the story. Truly the only redeeming quality of this film is the gore--it's not lacking in blood and guts. The rest, however, is far too much to sit through for those few moments of enjoyment. Do yourself a favor and scroll right on past this movie.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

A.M.I. Movie Trailer

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2

The Houses October Built 2 Movie Review

Brandy, Zack, Mikey, Bobby, and Jeff, the documentary-making, haunted house thrill-seekers from The Houses October Built return for the sequel--Brandy is now traumatized by her experience, but is internet-famous as "Coffin Girl". The guys in the group make a little money now for going to haunted houses around the United States, and after being promised a big payday for a particular adventure, they bribe Brandy into joining them once more. Things get a bit dicey, however, when signs of Blue Skeleton's involvement begin popping up.

You know you're in trouble when you see her

Though not a huge fan of the original film, I saw potential in it, and was oddly excited when I found out a sequel was made. I was finally able to access the movie when it came to Hulu, and without hesitation checked it out. Right off the bat, I will say one thing about this movie--it is part of a rare fraternity of sequels that are better than the first film. Most of my complaints about the first film are righted in this movie--the characters are given a bit of depth, the panicked reactions go beyond dropping repeated F-bombs, and the camera work is much steadier (though I am not a fan of drone shots). Much of this movie is spent picking up the pieces of the first movie and establishing a follow-up. Once that is set, we follow (primarily) the four guys through several haunted house, zombie run, and escape room attractions--this lasts for about the first hour of the film, and comes across almost like a documentary on haunted houses, as the crew visits actual attractions across the country (Haunted Hoochie from the Columbus, Ohio area is mentioned, but alas, they don't make it there). This part of the film is much more entertaining than the third act, which, while providing a twist, is largely predictable. A step up from the first movie, The Houses October Built 2 isn't a great horror film, but on a lonely February morning, it sure will make you long for the Halloween season.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Houses October Built 2 Movie Trailer

BLOOD FEAST

Blood Feast Movie Review

A weirdo caterer (Mal Arnold) kills women in the Miami area. Why does he do this, you ask? It's so he can remove certain body parts from each victim to use to bring back an ancient Egyptian goddess--I'm not making this up. Blood Feast is a 1963 film that is shocking in the sheer amount of blood and gore it contains. While somewhat tame compared to a few of the movies that have come out since, there are still some scenes in this movie that hold up against any film that has come out since--I can only imagine how horrified people watching this movie in 1963 must have been when they saw the woman's tongue torn out or the brain removed from one.

Eye won’t even mention what happened here

Needless to say, most of the points this movie earns are based on the gore factor, and credit must be given for being so ahead of its time. Unfortunately, as many points must be taken away for practically every other aspect of the film. The acting is brutal. The dialogue is mind-numbing. The story is nonsensical. Thankfully, all this actually adds a bit of charm to the movie, and only makes the entire presentation seem even more maddening. The final scene in particular is memorable, as several police officers chase the killer on foot half way across Florida it seems, and though the maniac caterer has a limp so bad he drags his foot when he walks, they still never catch him! Rest assured, loyal readers, he gets his comeuppance, and in a most glorious manner. Blood Feast is by no means a good horror movie, but it is worth watching for the bloodshed and historical appreciation.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Blood Feast Movie Trailer

CARRIE

Carrie Movie Review

Carrie White (Sissy Spacek, Blast from the Past) is a high school girl suffering from never-ending bullying from her classmates. What the terrorizing teens don't realize is that Carrie has special powers, and the more she is picked on, the more her rage builds. Based on Stephen King's 1974 novel, the movie was directed by Brian DePalma--the book and film served to launch the careers of both. When I think of this movie, I will always recall watching it with my Mom. In the days of 4 local channels, no cable, and no devices that provide hundreds of thousands of movies at your fingertips, Carrie was a regular film for me and Mom to watch together--we must have watched this movie dozens of times over the years. That said, even taking away all sentimental value I have attached to this movie, this is still an outstanding horror flick. The acting is superb--as a youngster, I didn't pay attention to such things, but as I grew, I was able to really appreciate the performance turned in by Spacek here. The exact same can be said for Piper Laurie as Carrie's Mom, Margaret--both inspired more horror movie characters in the coming years than you could possibly count.

"Let's see...there's..."

The torture of Carrie is unrelenting, both at school and at home, and the slow-burn build is fantastic, leading to one of the all-time great endings in horror history. The movie is shot extremely well, providing both a calm and enough disjointed visuals to keep the viewer feeling uncomfortable. Aside from launching the careers of King, DePalma, and Spacek, this movie also introduced the world to John Travolta, who would very soon after star in one of my favorite sitcoms in television history, Welcome Back, Kotter, as well as become the quintessential 1970's heartthrob after starring in Grease and Saturday Night Fever. 

You're welcome Sani

Honestly, there's not much not to love about this movie. Fans of the King novel will argue it strays too far away from the book--I can't speak on this, having never read it, but the truth is I don't judge movies based on books by how closely they follow the written word (even if I have read the book), so this makes no difference to me at all.Hollywood has not been able to let this story go, either. It spawned a decent 1999 sequel titled The Rage: Carrie 2, a better 2002 made-for-television remake, and a 2013 theatrical remake that...well, the less I say about that movie the better. If you have never watched Carrie--I can't imagine if you are reading this you have never seen this movie, but if that is the case, shame on you! Go watch it! Now!

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 9

Carrie Movie Trailer

TOURIST TRAP

Tourist Trap Movie Review

A group of youngsters (including 80's favorite Tanya Roberts) stumble across a former roadside mannequin attraction. Once a hot spot for tourists, the place is now the home of Mr. Slausen (Chuck Connors of The Rifleman) and secluded from everything, as a new highway redirected traffic away from the area. The lost yutes find that the mannequins are eerily realistic, and worse, a madman can control them telekinetically. That's the story of this 1979 horror film that is probably a little better than it should be. There is a good chance you are thinking to yourself "This sounds like a cross between Carrie and House of Wax", and if that is your thought, you're not wrong--the funny thing is, though it does borrow heavily from both of these classics, it doesn't really feel like either; rather, it very much has a 70's grindhouse, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre feel to it, which really ups the enjoyment factor. The acting is a bit better than what you would expect as well--all the young folks turn in good performances, with Jocelyn Jones as Molly standing out. Connors, who I always think of as a cowboy, is surprisingly effective in his role. This movie succeeds in providing some terrifying moments--mannequins are creepy enough, but what they do with them here turns that whole thing up to eleven.

The star of my nightmare tonight

Unfortunately, the movie fails when it comes to the lighting--some of what happens does so in shots that are so dark it's hard to know what's going on. There are also some continuity errors and moments that are so poorly thought out that they take you out of the moment. The dialogue is hit or miss--we have some genuinely touching moments, but also absolute nonsense. The ending is really well done, providing scares, weirdness, and a very memorable final shot. If you've never seen Tourist Trap, give it a shot--you will be hard-pressed to find a scarier post 1970's PG-rated film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Tourist Trap Movie Trailer

THE VAULT

The Vault Movie Review

A family robs a bank to help their brother out of a situation that is never fully explained--unfortunately, this is an old bank with a history and something very sinister waiting in the basement. If you have never heard of this 2017 movie, you're not alone--this one flew way under the radar given its budget and star power. Over five million dollars went into this film, and it stars James Franco, a household name in the entertainment industry. As you can imagine, the movie lost money--opening weekend brought in just over $4,300, it grossed a bit over $5,000 in the United States and, to date, has grossed just under $350,000 worldwide.

Made bank? Not quite

Don't let all that bother you--while certainly not a masterpiece, The Vault is a decent horror flick. It takes a while to get to the scares, as the first part of the movie introduces the viewer to the characters and lets you ponder for a moment who the robbers will be. Speaking of the characters, you will likely recognize a few of the actors in this one--aside from Franco, this movie also stars Taryn Manning (Orange is the New Black, The Devil's Tomb) and one of my personal favorites, Clifton Collins Jr. of The Stoned Age fame. With these names, and a few others, the acting in this movie is solid--the exception to this statement is Francesca Eastwood (Clint's daughter), whose performance is nothing short of cringe worthy. Shortly after the fun guessing game, we get to the basement, where the ghosts of a bank robbery past reside. There is a fair amount of gore in this one, so you will not feel unfulfilled there--this feeling will be saved for the ending, which leaves more than a bit to be desired. Another complaint would be with the lighting, or lack thereof. Still, The Vault is a twist-filled thriller that I suggest checking out.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Vault Movie Trailer

IT CHAPTER TWO

It Chapter Two Movie Review

27 years after fighting Pennywise, the Losers Club reunites to once again take on the demented clown. This is the long-awaited second chapter of the 2017 film It, a movie that rapidly climbed my list of all-time favorite horror movies. Is this movie as good as the first part? No, it's not. However, after having watched the first movie a few times, you really couldn't expect the second part to be THAT good--rest assured readers, this is a fitting second part to the story. The first thing you will likely notice is the wonderful job casting did with the adult versions of the kids we know from the first chapter--it is easy to recognize each character in their adult form without having to be told who they are. James McAvoy (Split, the X-Men franchise) is the adult version of Bill, and he does a phenomenal job--especially cool and somewhat subtle is how his stutter gets worse the more he remembers his childhood. Bill Skarsgard returns as Pennywise, but we don't see a whole lot of him--sadly, much of what we get in way of Pennywise and his many shape-shifting forms is CGI that is impressive at times, but very questionable for the most part. This results in far fewer actual scary moments in this movie as compared to the Chapter One, and for as cool as the individual elements of this story are, it's the scares we really come for.

The eyes are always scary though

Naturally, with 27 years having passed, the nostalgic awesomeness we got in the previous movie is gone, and the adults versions of the same characters do not come close to having the same chemistry we saw from the children in the the first chapter. The kids, slightly aged, do return for some new scenes, which I found to be a nice surprise. Many will complain about the runtime of the movie, and at 169 minutes, one can understand why. The movie is long, but it flows nicely, and as I was not keeping track of the time, I was personally surprised when my girlfriend told me that was how long the movie was--I have watched MANY movies clocking in at just 90 minutes that felt much longer than this one. The only part of the movie I felt dragged on was the very end, right after the somewhat disappointing final confrontation with the dancing clown--see my comments about the questionable CGI above. It Chapter Two is not a perfect follow-up to the first chapter, but it does the job. Let's face it--none of us expected the second part of the story to be as good as the first part anyway.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

It Chapter Two Movie Trailer