CREEP 2

Creep 2 Movie Review

Our pal Josef (Mark Duplass) from the first Creep movie returns, this time experiencing a midlife crisis as he questions how much satisfaction he still receives from killing people. Much like in the first film, he places a Craigslist ad, seeking a videographer to shoot him doing...something. The ad is answered by Sara (Desiree Akhaven), a video creator trying to get views on her video blog site by producing episodes that feature unusual people. So yeah, if you've seen Creep, you know this sounds pretty much identical to that movie, and just as in that one, the videographer decides the money (or views) is worth being isolated with this madman. Interestingly, Josef calls himself Aaron in this one--that's the name of the videographer in the first film. Let me go ahead and answer the question you are likely asking...yes, Peachfuzz returns!

And he's as fuzzy as ever

One of the strengths of the original film is how real it felt--this movie still has that, but not to the same degree. Another strength was the chemistry between the two actors--this too is lost in the sequel, as Duplass can't quite capture that magic with Akhaven. This likely has a lot to do with Duplass' acting skills being far superior to Akhaven's, to the point where he more than carries the movie himself. Josef/Aaron is still awkward and bizarre, but at times this is taken far enough to border on feeling like a parody of the character we know. The movie plods along, and most unfortunately, most of it is rather predictable, right up to the ending. Allegedly, there is a third movie in the works...here's hoping that one brings some originality instead of being practically a carbon-copy of the first film. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Creep 2 Movie Trailer

THE ELF

The Elf Movie Review

Not to be confused with the James Caan modern Christmas classic Elf, this is a 2017 horror flick that is centered around Nick (Gabriel Miller), a seemingly disturbed man who inherits a toy shop...and an evil elf along with it. Much to my delight, this one stayed largely away from comedy, coming across as more of a straight horror film, something we just don't get enough of these days, and did not expect from seeing the movie poster--of course, there are some unintentionally funny moments as well.

This IS our killer, after all

If you are a fan of the old Puppet Master films, you will likely be reminded of those flicks as you watch this one--unfortunately, instead of being a cool nod to the Full Moon films, this feels more like a cheap imitation of them. The Elf is one of those films that really walks a thin line between being a good scary movie and being an absolute disaster--it walks that line straight the entire time, never becoming either. The acting is rather abysmal and odd. Miller, our lead, looks like he is acting in some local avant-garde stage production, and he's probably the best actor in the film. On the flip side, there are some cool scenes, such as the Christmas lights in the yard, and some rather unexpected moments. Those, of course, are offset by horrible CGI, and the end leaves more than just a little to be desired. The Elf is ultimately a mediocre movie, but certainly not in a boring and forgetful manner as most movies I award a 5 to.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Elf Movie Trailer

SHARKMAN (aka Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy)

Sharkman Movie Review

Scientist Dr. King (Jeffrey Combs, Re-Animator, Dark House) tries to save his son from cancer by turning him into a human-shark hybrid creature. Tom (William Forsythe, Halloween, Raising Arizona) and Amelia (Hunter Tylo) are the heroes trying to stop the madman and his blood-thirsty son. This movie has two things going against it right out of the boxes, and both are even worse than the plot--this is a SyFy Original, and William Forsythe is the lead AND the hero. Had I known these facts prior to starting the movie I may not have watched it, but commit to it I did, and regret doing so I do. We may think the presence of of Combs would off-set all the negativity, but he seems beyond bored with this movie, and is given little opportunity to shine. As for our shark-man, most of the time we see him it is done with super quick cuts, and we don't get a great look at him.

Here's a bad look at him

The story is as lame as you are probably thinking, and it plays out worse than you are imagining. The movie looks cheap, the acting is dreadful, the "action" scenes are lacking, and the death scenes are all a bunch of quick cuts with some blood thrown in. SyFy movies are pretty much all awful, but many are at least entertaining--Sharkman is not one of these. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Sharkman Movie Trailer

GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE

Grave of the Vampire Movie Review

Leslie (Kitty Vallacher) is raped by vampire Caleb Croft (Michael Pataki). She gives birth to a blood-sucking boy named James as a result, and years later, after Leslie's death, the now-adult James (William Smith) ventures out to hunt down Croft and exact revenge. This low budget 1972 American film is one that will test your patience.

"I think we should just, you know, be patient and not rush things"

After a hot start, this movie cools off quite a bit, and doesn't really pick up at all until the final ten or fifteen minutes. Needless to say, by then you have likely lost interest in the film, but if you stick it out, the final moments almost make you feel like your patience was rewarded. Getting there we are treated with a story that unfolds painfully slowly, pretty bad acting, dreadful dialogue, and nothing else of real note. If you're in the mood for a vampire movie, do yourself a favor and pass on Grave of the Vampire.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Grave of the Vampire Movie Trailer

BLACK SUNDAY (aka The Mask of Satan)(aka La Maschera Del Demonio)

Black Sunday Movie Review

Asa Vajda (Barbara Steele, Shivers, Nightmare Castle), a witch, is burned alive, promising to return one day to get her revenge. Two centuries later, she begins to come back to life, brought back by some dope who discovered her tomb. One of Asa's ancestors, Katia (also Steele) lives nearby, and looks identical to Asa, giving the witch the perfect body to take over.

"You will work nicely"

"Please tell me there's somebody behind me"

This 1960 Italian film, originally titled La Maschera Del Demonio, is considered the breakthrough movie for Steele, who does an absolutely fantastic job with her dual performance. Long-time readers will know I am a fan of Steele (she may be my favorite horror actress of all time), and her performance in this movie is probably her best ever. The rest of the acting, however, is a considerable drop from the awesomeness that is Barbara Steele. The story is a solid one, though it does drag at times. The amount of violence and gore in this movie is probably a bit more than one would expect from a 1960 film, but it is executed extremely well. Unfortunately, the end of the movie is a bit underwhelming and rushed--you will leave it thinking they could have done so much more. Black Sunday is a creepy old movie that makes for a good late-night viewing with all the lights off.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Black Sunday Movie Trailer

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 Movie Review

Set thirteen years after the events of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we find the Sawyer family terrorizing radio DJ Stretch Brock (Caroline Williams) while being chased by officer Lefty Enright (Dennis Hopper, Easy Rider). The Sawyer Family, by the way, is now Drayton (the returning Jim Siedow), Leatherface (this time played by Bill Johnson), Grandpa (Ken Evert), and newcomer "Chop Top" (Bill Moseley, House of 1000 Corpses). Let us assume you have watched the original movie, which is considered one of the greatest horror films of all time, but not this sequel--you may be expecting something that at least tries to match the terror of the first film...this is not the case. Director Tobe Hooper wanted to go less horror, more dark comedy with this movie, and the results are shaky.

Yes, there's a chainsaw sword fight

The gore is certainly amped-up from the original film, but much of it is done in a comedic way--you will notice this atmosphere pretty much right out of the gate. The performances are odd, with Moseley being so over the top it's easy to see why his character completely stole the show from Leatherface. The direction seems very lacking in this film, as much of what we see is repetitive--it feels like they had a lot of time to fill, and didn't quite know what to do with the time. The ending is very sudden, but I was okay with that--leaving Chop Top potentially still alive had tons of potential for future movies, but alas, he was not to be seen again (at least as of 2019 and at least 5 or 6 Texas Chainsaw movies since). As a side note, in many circles this movie is known for being sampled in the Primus song "Jerry Was A Race Car Driver". As a fan of the band, I did find it amusing watching this scene in the movie, and may have hit the rewind button to watch it more than once.

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about

Your enjoyment of this film is going to depend a great deal on your attitude coming in to it. I have known people over the years who have loved this movie while finding the original film boring--these people hold a special place in society, and the less said about them, the better. I have also known people with absolutely no sense of humor at all who loathe this film because it is "an insult to a classic". These folks actually scare me a little, so I will say no more about them. Me? I fall kind of in the middle, and appreciate what Hooper was trying to do with this movie. This had the potential to be an absolute dumpster fire, but Moseley's performance saves the day, making this movie much better than it should have been.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 Movie Trailer

AREA 51

Area 51 Movie Review

Three friends decide to raid Area 51 after one experiences a strange happening at a party. They meet up with a woman whose father had maps of the underground tunnels at the mysterious desert location. This movie, which was completed in 2009 but not released until 2015, is brought to us by writer and director Oren Peli--if this name is familiar to you, it's likely because he is the same guy who brought us Paranormal Activity, an extremely low budget film that made an absolute fortune and, more importantly, was an original, creative, and scary movie--Area 51 is far less inspired. Most of this movie is the three guys making their way to Area 51 and talking about their plans--for as dull as those conversations are, when they are talking about anything not related to Area 51, it's even worse. The movie is presented as a found footage film, as the guys record everything on their phones and small cameras, resulting in shots that look like...

this...

this...

and this.

We get some brief shots of Las Vegas, which is nice, as that's one of my favorite cities. The shots of the desert are also nice, and honestly, it is these settings that helped get me through this movie. Once the friends and the woman make it into Area 51, things pick up a bit, but we really get the case of taking the good with the bad once there. Some of the ideas about what could be inside Area 51 and the technology used is really interesting, and plays out well. Unfortunately, much of what happens there is in the dark--this, coupled with the constantly shaking camera, makes it nearly impossible to see anything happening for much of the time. We get just a brief look at the aliens, which is fine, as this approach works quite well here. The ending is a bit lazy, but certainly could have been worse. Should you decide to watch this film, be warned--everything that happens leading up to the characters actually being inside Area 51 is a LOT to get through, but what you see once there almost makes you feel like it was worth the wait. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Area 51 Movie Trailer

LADY FRANKENSTEIN

Lady Frankenstein Movie Review

Baron Frankenstein (Joseph Cotten) and his partner, Dr. Marshall (Paul Muller), create a monster out of a corpse. After the monster murders Frankenstein and begins killing the locals, Marshall teams with the Baron's daughter, Tania (Rosalba Neri, The Devil's Wedding Night), to create a new monster to destroy the original one. Straight off I will tell you that if you are picturing one of the classic Frankenstein movies from the first half of the 20th Century, you are way off base. This is an Italian film from 1971 that contains a bit more blood than those films (some of the worst looking fake blood you will ever see, by the way). This one also has a lot of nudity, creating a mixture of a 1960s Hammer film and a 1970s sexploitation flick--Italy produced many of these type films around this time. More memorable than any of this, however, is the look of the monster. Boris Karloff's Monster is iconic in its awesomeness--the Monster here is less awesome and more....

This

Some of the scenes we know from the original film are played out in similar ways in this movie, leaving one feeling they have temporarily slipped into an alternate reality. The movements of the monster are odd, often resembling a slapstick comedic performance more than a frightening assault. To her credit, Neri, credited in this movie as Sara Bay, is impressive in her role, bringing a proper amount of wickedness to her manipulative character. As a side note, Neri played Lady Frankenstein here, and Lady Dracula two years later in the aforementioned The Devil's Wedding Night...I guess Lady Creature From The Black Lagoon wasn't in the cards...or maybe it was, and I just haven't slipped into that reality yet. Anyway, this movie isn't bad for a cheap knockoff flick, but it really comes unhinged near the end when Marshall's brain is put into another man's body to create the perfect love interest for Tania. While probably a little better than it should have been, Lady Frankenstein isn't really one I can suggest going out of your way to watch. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Lady Frankenstein Movie Trailer (Rob Zombie fans will love this one)

HEAD COUNT

Head Count Movie Review

A group of twenty-somethings are sharing spooky campfire tales when one reads the story of Hisji, a shape-shifting entity that immediately arrives to terrorize them. The twist is, they have no idea it's there. Head Count is a slick little horror flick I caught on Netflix, and the film is very ambitious when it comes to trying to separate itself from the pack. For the most part, that goes a long way in this movie. Gore and jump scares are largely ignore here, traded in for creepy atmosphere and some things being left to our imagination. The anticipation of the arrival of the spirit is built well, as we see hints dropped throughout that it is, in fact, already there.

They may be catching on

Where the movie fails is when it does bring what we expect from similar horror films. The characters are a bunch of stereotypical ones--we have the hero, the stoner, the jerk, the jerk's jerky girlfriend and his heart of gold ex-girlfriend, etc, and they spend a large part of their time drinking and getting high. Repeated scenes of the parties and the aforementioned jerk and hero getting into it drag the movie down and makes the run time seem much longer than it is. That said, Isaac Jay makes a likable lead, and the movie never comes off the rails enough to lose your attention. The third act plays out exceptionally well, and will have you on the edge of your seat--unfortunately, the ending falls flat, taking all the air out of the balloon. Still, Head Count is worth watching for the fresh ideas. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Head Count Movie Trailer

THE WASP WOMAN

The Wasp Woman Movie Review

Janice Starlin (Susan Cabot) is the owner and face of a cosmetics company--unfortunately, her aging face is blamed for the decline in profits her company is seeing. Thankfully for her, a scientist has discovered that he can use the royal jelly from a queen wasp to reverse the aging process. The antidote works until...well, it doesn't, and Janice becomes a half-wasp creature. Schlockmaster Roger Corman brings us this one, a film often referred to (rightfully so) as a knock-off of the 1958 film The Fly. Let's not let that notion ruin the fun though! We know pretty much right from the start where this story is going, so most of the time is spent waiting for Janice to become the wasp woman...I won't let you wait that long.

"What's all the buzzzzz about?"

Something a bit out of the ordinary (though not completely original) is the scientist becoming the eventual hero of sorts--this fails in that the character isn't terribly likable, and the actor playing him, Michael Mark, doesn't do much to help this matter. Much of the movie is painfully dull and seems to take forever to take off. Once it does, of course, we get what we came for--a cheap looking monster and its attack on humans, though this is sadly minimal as well. Cabot does a fine job with her role as Starlin, so that will help get you through most of the film. The final scene is entertaining, though not in a scary way by any means. The Wasp Woman isn't Corman's best work, but it's certainly not his worst either. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Wasp Woman Movie Trailer

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE 2

All Hallows' Eve 2 Movie Review

A mysterious masked man leaves a VHS tape at a woman’s door. Curious, she watches the tape, finding it contains a series of disturbing videos. Of course, this is a series of shorts that comprise this anthology film, and the results are very much a mixed bag. We have the wraparound story, which is pretty much just like in the first All Hallows’ Eve movie, with a single woman instead of the babysitter and kids watching the tape—the ending is almost identical as well. If you are wondering why a woman in the year 2015 still has a VCR to play the tape in, she does provide a fantastic answer, explaining to her friend that horror movies such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are scarier on VHS, and that Blu-ray makes movies seem too fake.

I couldn't agree more!

Also similar to the first All Hallows' Eve is the disjointed feel of everything as, just like the original, this is a series of shorts thrown together to make a film instead of segments made specifically for the movie. All that considered, when you read that this is an anthology, think less Creepshow and more The ABCs Of Death. The number of segments, eight, is odd--it doesn't allow time for the segments to build a lot of story, but also lacks the quick-fire feel of the ABCs of Death movies. The first segment, Jack Attack, gets things off to a great start, as we see a jack-o-lantern get revenge in a most unusual and disturbing way. Next in line is The Last Halloween, a segment that is almost as good as the one before it. The third segment, The Offering, is heavy on suspense but fails in its payoff, dropping the bar a little but keeping your attention--things fall apart from there. We'll skip ahead to the only other interesting segment, Alexia. Most of this one takes place on a computer monitor and the words are in Spanish--I understand just enough of the language to pick up the general idea of what is going on, but even if you can't do that, this is still a really good segment, as the visuals are very intense.

Muy atemorizante

Had these four segments been made for this movie, were expanded upon, and were the only segments in this movie, we may have had a modern day classic on our hands. Unfortunately, we have four other entries, none standing out as anything memorable, with M if for Masochist and Mr. Tricker's Treat lowering the excitement considerably. Descent and A Boy's Life are somewhat interesting, if not predictable. If you're looking for a good Halloween season movie, this one is worth checking out, if only for half the content.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

All Hallows' Eve 2 Movie Trailer

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE

All Hallows' Eve Movie Review

A child receives a VHS tape while trick or treating. His babysitter finally agrees too let him and his sister watch the tape, and what they see is horrific. That is the basis of this 2013 film, that plays out as a sort-of anthology, though I struggle calling it that...more on that momentarily. This movie takes a bit to get going, with the kids and babysitter arguing over the tape for far too long. Once they finally decide too put the tape in, we see a face who may be familiar to us, and one that certainly is not.

Alien Dude

The face that may be familiar to you is the one on the movie poster--Art the Clown of Terrifier pops up throughout most of the movie, which brings us back to my issues of calling this a proper anthology. This movie is basically a series of short films from director Damien Leone thrown together and held with super glue and duct tape, lacking any sort of flow whatsoever, as it was never originally intended as an anthology. How much this affects your viewing of the movie will vary--honestly, it didn't bother me, as I knew this going in, so I had zero expectations for an anthology. Seeing Art pop up in segment after segment, showing no injury from the segment before, is quite distracting, however, and the character lacks the general creepiness it would find in Terrifier. The acting is bad throughout, but this is made up for with the gore and scares, neither of which are lacking--the segment with the alien is particularly spooky. Much as was the case with Terrifier, you see plenty of potential in the films Leone makes, though they fall just short of being what one would call a really good horror movie...more originality and less borrowing from other movies would do wonders. Still, you could do a lot worse than All Hallows' Eve.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

All Hallows' Eve Movie Trailer

ATOM AGE VAMPIRE

Atom Age Vampire Movie Review

After a woman is disfigured in a car accident, a mad doctor finds a cure, bringing back her beauty--unfortunately, this requires the doc to kill other people for the special serum required to keep the woman, who he has now fallen for, unscarred. The first thing you must know about this movie (a fact that would have stopped me from watching this at all) is that, despite the title, there are no vampires in this film. This is an Italian film that was originally titled Seddock, l'erede di Satana--this properly translates to Seddock, the Heir of Satan, but somehow, somebody mistranslated, and when it was released in the States, the movie was titled Atom Age Vampire.

"Stai scherzando?"

This one comes from 1960, and to call it a snoozefest would be insulting to some of the better insomnia treatments out there. Our doctor does inject himself with an old version of his serum to make himself a monster of sorts in order to kill, but that's every bit as interesting as it sounds. Some of the scenes of the doctor killing the victims are mildly entertaining, but that's as much as you are going to get from this movie. The remainder is slow, tired, and uninspired. When looking for a creepy older movie for Halloween, do yourself a favor and skip this one. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Atom Age Vampire Movie Trailer

US

Us Movie Review

As a child, Adelaide Wilson has a scary moment in a fun house on Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk--she comes across her doppelganger in a mirror. Fast forward 25 years, and the adult Adelaide (Lupita Nyong'o, Black Panther) and her family return to the boardwalk for a summer retreat. The doppelganger returns as well, and now, she has company. Jordan Peele (Get Out) brings us this slick 2019 film that inspired a house at this year's Universal Orlando's Halloween Horror Nights--in fact, it was after going through this house a few times that my girlfriend and I decided we must watch this movie before going back through the house. Speaking of Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, if you're a fan of The Lost Boys, you know this location immediately, and there is a nice reference to that vampire classic in this movie.

Be sure to look up!

Once we get past the impressive opener and to the modern time, the first thing you may notice about this movie is how likable adult Adelaide and her husband Gabriel (Winston Duke, also of Black Panther) are. A good amount of time is spent developing their characters, which builds nicely into the rest of the film. Once the duplicates (called "The Tethered" here) appear, the scares come quick and often. The idea of this movie is an interesting one--there is an alternate version of us in the underground living out the motions of our lives without the emotions, and they are planning an uprising--the idea is more interesting when you drop the obvious political statement and look at it strictly on a horror level. Nyong'o is really good as Adelaide and her tethered counterpart--Duke is almost as good. The pacing is practically perfect--the film is almost two hours long, but never drags at any point. There is plenty of violence and many death scenes; though, save for a moment or two, they are never as graphic as one might expect, with much of the bloodshed being shot wide or occurring off screen entirely. The ending provides a nice twist--a second viewing may be necessary to fully understand it. Us is not a great horror film, but it does have many creepy moments, so I do recommend it...I can also appreciate the house at Halloween Horror Nights more the next time I walk through it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Us Movie Trailer

ANNABELLE COMES HOME

Annabelle Comes Home Movie Review

Judy Warren (McKenna Grace, The Bad Seed), the daughter of demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga), begins experiencing strange occurrences in her house after her parents bring home a new doll named Annabelle—along for the ride are Judy’s babysitter Mary Ellen (Madison Iseman, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle) and the sitter’s best friend, Daniela (Katie Sarife)--absent are the adult Warrens, who are out of town to investigate another case. Hitting theatres a couple months following the release of The Curse Of La Llorona, this marks the seventh and, to date, most recent film of the Conjuring Universe (there are more coming), the third Annabelle film, and it chronologically falls right after the conclusion of the first Annabelle film. Here’s something you should know right off--Vermiga and Wilson are not in the movie much. We see them bringing Annabelle home and putting her in the glass case we are all familiar with, but they disappear quickly after that, not returning until the very end.

Just leave her in there!

While it is unfortunate that Wilson and Vermiga are in this so little, the three actresses the movie does focus on are strong in their roles, giving surprisingly good performances—one could easily see Grace, who, at 13, has already appeared in several large budget films, becoming a star for years to come. Unlike the preceding two films from this Universe (The Curse Of La Llorona and The Nun), this one develops real scares, minimizing the reliance on jump scares. Some of the special effects are lacking, and there is a disturbing amount of comedy here—leaving the Bob character out of the movie entirely would have been a good decision. The demons are impressive and provide some scary moments. The story itself unfolds well, with a surprise here and there, though it does slow down a bit in the middle. The action in the third act is intense and may have you on the edge of your seat—unfortunately, it concludes with an ending that leaves a lot to be desired. Annabelle Comes Home fits directly in the center of the Universe so far—it’s better than The Nun, The Curse Of La Llorona, and Annabelle, but falls short of Annabelle: Creation, The Conjuring, and The Conjuring 2.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Annabelle Comes Home Movie Trailer

GEHENNA: WHERE DEATH LIVES

Gehenna: Where Death Lives Movie Review

A group of developers go to Saipan to scout out a location for a new resort. While there, they come across an old World War 2 bunker that is easier to enter than to exit. Special effects vet Hiroshi Katagiri makes his feature film directorial debut with this 2016 flick, and it should come as no surprise that the special effects and makeup are some of the best things about this film--in fact, some of the visuals are truly terrifying.

Sister Abigail?

The story is a bit convoluted, but we find that some folks were tortured during the war, and a hex was put on anybody who enters the tomb--there is also a person down there who looks very old, very thin, and ready to die any second now, foreshadowing, to a degree, our ending. That old man, by the way, is played by Doug Jones, an actor who has been in a million movies but it probably best known for playing Amphibian Man in The Shape of Water. Another actor you will recognize is horror icon Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead), but don't get too excited about this--he's in the movie for maybe a minute (though he does show up for a post-credits scene as well). The rest of the cast is made up of folks you probably won't recognize--none really stand out in a good or bad way. While the scares are there, the story is what really bogs this one down. They are trying to do way too much with this movie, leaving it with a feeling of being all over the place. The lack of focus carries you all the way to the end, when the bad guy inevitably gets his comeuppance. This movie is worth checking out for the cool special effects, but isn't something you should put high on your to-see list.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Gehenna: Where Death Lives Movie Trailer

THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA

The Curse of La Llorona Movie Review

Caseworker Anna (Linda Cardellini) and her children are haunted by the spirit of La Llorona, a woman who drown her kids and herself 300 years prior. When I reviewed The Nun recently, I talked about how it was a part of the Conjuring Universe, and also mentioned the Annabelle films as being a part of this group of movies--as somebody who likes to know as little as possible about a movie prior to watching it, I had no idea when I wrote that review that The Curse of La Llorona was also a part of that Universe, and still had no idea until actually watching this 2019 film. Honestly, if you are not paying attention, you may miss this part of it, as the only real connection is Father Perez (Tony Amendola) of Annabelle popping in to talk about his experience with a possessed doll--we also see Annabelle herself for a very brief moment. Anyway, this movie is based on an old Latin American folklore that is quite creepy--Universal Studios Orlando designed a house after this story for the 2013 installment of Halloween Horror Nights, and to this day it's one of the best houses they ever created, so when this film was announced, I was very excited--I wasn't able to maintain that excitement while watching this, however. As with The Nun, this movie relies way too much on jump scares instead of creating genuine horror...La Llorona herself does look pretty scary though.

Y'all better hide yo kids...

Fans of Breaking Bad will recognize Tuco Salamanca (Raymond Cruz) as Rafael Olvera, a former priest who is no longer a part of the church but who knows everything there is to know about La Llorona. Olvera not only provides the knowledge needed to defeat the villain, but he also provides comedy in a film that should have none--the comedic approach is especially way out of place at the conclusion of the final battle, removing any tension that may have been built. Another issue with this movie is how it takes every tried and true formula from movies past and inserts them without adding anything new--from the priest who is no longer with the church to the holy water to the aforementioned jump scares, you almost see the blueprint laid out in front of you, and expect practically everything you are about to see--this is all the more disappointing when you consider how impressive most of the other films in this series are and how they do not follow such an approach. Cardellini does turn in a good performance, so we at least have a likable lead, and there are a few scenes that will have you glued, so not all is lost with this film. The most unfortunate thing about The Curse of La Llorona is that it does so little with an old tale that is scary and has so much potential--it's really not a bad movie, just one that falls well short of what is could have been.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Curse of La Llorona Movie Trailer

THE NUN

The Nun Movie Review

Father Burke (Demian Bichir, The Hateful Eight) and Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga, American Horror Story) are sent by the Vatican to Romania to investigate the mysterious death of a nun. What they find in the church is an evil not quite of this world. Set in 1952, this is a spin-off of the Conjuring films, chronologically taking place prior to those two movies and the three other spin-offs of them, the Annabelle films. If you enjoy those films, and expect The Nun to be on the level of those, you will be let down. The Nun certainly lacks the sheer terror of The Conjuring or Annabelle: Creation, following more in the footsteps of Annabelle with its reliance on jump scares instead of actual horror. Our villain is one we know from The Conjuring 2...the demon nun.

She still looks like Marilyn Manson

The only thing more frustrating than the multitude of jump scares is the CGI, which is so bad at times it borders on SyFy quality. One of the things I loved about the original The Conjuring is the way it was shot--it feels like a movie that could have actually been released the year it was set in, 1971. Had The Nun taken a similar approach it may have made a world of difference--instead, this feels like a movie that is set in the early 2000's, as it visually resembles many other films from that time. The story really isn't too bad, though it's not a terribly strong lead into one of the better horror movie universes--a little slick editing at the very end of the film takes us right into The Conjuring. The atmosphere is one of the highlights of this film, though much of the action takes place in the dark, so try to watch this one at night with the lights off. While The Nun is not a bad movie, it sets up a series of films that deserved a much better place setting. It should also be noted this movie made loads of money, so a sequel is inevitable--let us pray that, much like with the Annabelle films, the sequel is better. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Nun Movie Trailer

DEVIL TIMES FIVE (aka Peopletoys)

Devil Times Five Movie Review

Five children escape from a loony bin and make their way to a huge house, where they begin killing the adults inside. Loony bin--that's something you just don't hear anymore. Whatever happened to that term? I'm guessing somebody was offended by it at some point so it made its way out of our everyday speak. I say we bring it back because it's just so fun to say! Anyway, back to our movie. This one is from 1974, stars a very young Leif Garrett (The Outsiders), and is rather bizarre.

They don't look like much trouble

The strength of this movie, believe it or not, is in character development. Every character, from the kids to the adults, is very different, each with very distinct personalities--this is quite impressive, as this is done with a dozen characters in the span of 88 minutes. The acting really isn't too bad either--it's certainly better than you would expect from a cast whose most successful actor was arguably Leif Garrett. Where this movie is likely to lose you is in the directing and editing. If the use of slow motion is a pet peeve of yours (as it is of mine), this movie may drive you to madness. The scene of the kids beating the guy to death is entirely in super slow motion, and seems to go on forever. After minutes of this, I finally hit fast forward x 1 (the sound was as bad, so you don't miss anything with that) and that brought it close to real speed, and it still seemed to take an eternity to get through the scene. Some of the death scenes are more impressive--the bathtub scene particularly stands out. There are tons of continuity errors in this one, and the believability of the kids committing some of these murders without the adults being able to stop them is lacking as well. The ending is a bit surprising and it provides some stunning, memorable visuals. One could pick up on a commentary from this film--if you take from this a message that adulthood brings boredom and sucks all the imagination out of you, you're not alone. Devil Times Five will probably never be a movie you watch dozens of times, but it's certainly worth watching once. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Devil Times Five Movie Trailer

SLASHED DREAMS (aka Sunburst)

Slashed Dreams Movie Review

Spoiler--I am going to summarize everything that happens in this movie in five sentences. Ready? Jenny (Kathrine Baumann) and Robert (Peter Hooten) decide to hike through the woods for what seems an eternity to visit an old friend named Michael (horror legend Robert Englund, in just his second film). Along the way, Jenny is raped by two rednecks. Robert, bent on revenge, wrestles one of the rednecks in the mud for a minute before the rapists get away. Michael tells Jenny everything will fine. The movie ends, presumably with everything indeed being fine.

"There's more than that! There's also....umm..."

In between all this "excitement" we have melodrama involving some other young people at school, extended establishing shots, skinny dipping, and horrible music courtesy of songwriter Ed Bogas and singer Roberta Van Dere, who sounds like Tiny Tim on a really bad night. The acting, especially from some of the actors near the start of the film, is bad--Englund is far and away the most talented here, though he is still quite a ways from attaining the awesomeness we would get from him the following decade. If you are considering watching this movie just because you are a fan of the future Freddy, be warned--he doesn't show up until there's about 20 minutes left in the film. Speaking of A Nightmare On Elm Street, one can only assume the title of this movie was changed from Sunburst to Slashed Dreams to capitalize on the success of Englund's horror breakthrough, though I could find no proof of this. A fact I did come across that will be interesting only to myself  is that Hooten was born in Clermont, Florida, a town I frequent. The pacing of this film is...well, there really isn't any, but it is very consistent in delivering the dullness. Other than the brief time Englund graces us with his presence, there really isn't much to see here. Put it on if, and only if, you are having difficulty getting to sleep.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Slashed Dreams, the entire movie. Insomniacs, you're welcome

BRIGHTBURN

Brightburn Movie Review

After something mysterios crashes to Earth, a farming couple (Elizabeth Banks, Slither and David Denman, The Office) find a baby boy. They raise the child, but as he grows older, it is clear this alien in human form has incredible powers. No, I didn't just accidentally summarize Superman--this 2019 film takes that basic storyline and twists it a bit, essentially asking the question "What if Superman turned out evil?" The child, Brandon Beyer (Jackson A, Dunn), snaps after being picked on at school, and unleashes his fury on...everybody, as he follows voices telling him "Take the world". Side note--if you ever wondered what Tobin Bell of Saw fame looked like as a child, Dunn may just be the answer.

He wants to play a game

Dunn is actually not too bad in this movie--he is a believable kid who has just enough natural creepiness to pull this character off. When it comes to creepy kids, I think, as a general statement, girls are much better in the roles, but, keeping in mind the Superman angle, that would't have worked here. Banks, who is much more known for her comedic abilities, is also strong as the Brandon's mom--Denman less so as the father. This film is also much gorier than I expected--the gruesomeness of Noah's (Matt Jones, Badger from Breaking Bad) truck accident is nothing short of jaw-dropping. You kind of wish the mayhem would have happened a bit earlier, but one can assume this movie was used in part to set the groundwork for future films--the ending would support this theory, though no such films have been announced at this time (its lack of success at the box office may contribute to this). I can't say this with complete certainty, but I would imagine being a fan of, or at least familiar with, the Superman story will help your appreciation of this movie, and those who write this off as some sort of rip-off of that story are missing the point. Brightburn isn't a phenomenal film, but it is a bit scary, and somewhat better than I expected it to be. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Brightburn Movie Trailer

THE REVENGE OF DOCTOR X (aka Venus Flytrap)(aka Body of the Prey)

The Revenge of Doctor X Movie Review

Dr. Bragan (James Craig), a scientist, uses thunder, lightning, a Venus flytrap and some other nonsense to create a flesh-eating mutant plant.

Specifically, THIS flesh-eating mutant plant

If you decide to watch this movie, and want to see this monster, patience is a must--I'm not sure how long into the movie the creature finally shows up, but I estimate it to be around 17 hours in...or at least it feels that long. In the meantime, this movie offers little more than bad acting from Craig and his assistant, Dr. Noriko Hanamura (Atsuko Rome)--in fact, Craig's performance is one of the worst you will likely ever see, as he randomly shouts his lines for no apparent reason, and laughs like a buffoon for even less reason. I don't often turn a movie off, but Craig's performance is so horrendous I was really close to giving up on this one. The title is misleading--there is no revenge, and no Doctor X for that matter. You can also ignore the credits--what you see is actually the credits for a movie titled Mad Doctor of Blood Island. Hanamura and Bragan briefly enlist the help of a group of women on a beach--they're topless, just because...or perhaps to wake the viewer up, as we are more than midway through the film by this point. The ending is ridiculous, but did provide a laugh, as it reminded me of one of the all-time great movie endings.

Fantastic!

All the randomness, awfulness, and ridiculousness may make a bit more sense when you learn the film was based on a movie script written by none other than the legendary Ed Wood, though he is uncredited as the writer of this movie. Until the blood-thirsty plant finally made an appearance, I was ready to give this movie a 2--the botanical beast brought it up a point.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

I couldn't find a trailer, but here's the entire movie