V/H/S/99

V/H/S/99 Movie Review

The year is 1999, and the fear is Y2K--actually, that's kind of mentioned a bit in passing in this film, but isn't a major concern--I just like how the year is 1999, and the fear is Y2K sounds. A Shudder Original, V/H/S/99 marks the fifth entry in the V/H/S series, and the sixth in the franchise (Siren, a spin-off of the original V/H/S, is in the mix as well). As with the others, the premise is a series of horrors caught on VHS and presented as an anthology. We are missing the usual wraparound story, however--instead, we get a bit of an interlude between them. These feature stop-motion action starring toy soldiers, shot by a character we will see in one of the stories later on. 

The Germans didn't fare well

Our first segment is titled "Shredding". An irritating, self-titled "punk" band (their music doesn't sound punk at all, but don't get me started on that) enjoys skateboarding, making bad music, and pulling pranks--to build a fan base, they record all this and put it on something fairly new called the World Wide Web.

"Pretend we're dead"

Their latest stunt is breaking into an abandoned music venue that once caught fire, killing a somewhat less annoying, somewhat more punk band a few years prior.

They're no L7 either

The results are predictable, but man, you have to love the practical effects used here. The characters in the band are just unlikable enough that you cheer for their demise, though you may feel for the poor drummer. We're not off to a great start, but once the band made it underground, this one got exciting.

Next up is "Suicide Bid". Would you let a group of really annoying women bury you alive overnight so you can join their group? A seemingly smart college student name Lily proves her bulb doesn't glow so bright after all when she agrees to do just that. The group is the most evil of all--a sorority. I could live hundreds of lifetimes and never understand why people subject themselves to the things they do to join college fraternities and sororities, but that's not what we're here to talk about. The reason for the burial also has something to do with a local urban legend, and you know that's going to come into play. While it's hard to feel sorry for Lily (she did voluntarily put herself in this situation), you can certainly understand her fear, and the terror creeps up in this segment, leading to a wonderful ending. 

Looks wonderful to me!

Wanna play a game? If so, our next segment, "Ozzy's Dungeon", might be for you! Ozzy's Dungeon is a children's game show--picture Double Dare in The Upside Down, with the Fly Girls from In Living Color, and hosted by Wayne Newton on cocaine.

"Can this be real?"

The gameshow has an unbeatable obstacle course, and when one contestant gets seriously injured during the course, her family is out for revenge. They capture the host (actually Steven Ogg of The Walking Dead fame) and force him to go through a homemade version of the course. This segment starts off strong, but really drops off once it gets to the revenge part. From there, it kind of drags to the point of becoming boring. Stick with it though--the ending is beyond bizarre, and has a fun little twist. 

It made me grin too

The toy soldiers story takes an unexpected turn, then transitions into the next segment, "The Gawkers". A group of teen boys with a video camera go around the neighborhood recording themselves doing stupid stuff and spying on girls. When a woman moves across the street, they all go full obsessed and, from one of the boy's bedroom, watch her every move. When they convince the little brother to secretly install a camera on her computer, however, the boys have gone too far--and the woman knows it. What they want is to see her naked; what they get is...well, half that, but so much more. I really liked this segment. The boys, for as annoying as they could be, were somewhat likable in their innocent idiocy. They were like a group of guys who have never had a girl even talk to them, and their interactions actually felt very real. The reveal of the woman was awesome, and the resulting onslaught was both classic and original. This was the best of the installments. 

What's Gorgon on here?

A couple buddies are hired to document a ritual performed by a coven of witches. Their purpose? Summon a demon to take over the body of Kirsten, a woman who has volunteered to be there (what's up with these people volunteering for these things?). An uninvited demon arrives, however, and as the witches cast it back to hell, it drags the two videographers with it. The guys must now find a way back home. That's what's happening in "To Hell and Back", the final segment of the movie. This one looks absolutely stunning, and, in many ways, may be exactly what you picture hell to look like. The practical effects are fantastic, and the creatures look frightening. You may recognize a couple people in this story--Joseph Winter and Melanie Stone of Deadstream are both here--in fact, if you look close enough, you may recognize at least one other character from that movie too. As was the case with that film, this one is heavy on comedy--unfortunately, there's more miss than hit this time, and, with such a wonderful set, you wish they would have focused more on the horror. While still a fine segment, ending the movie with this one makes it feel like it went out with a whimper. 

That's no reason to turn your back on it!

As is always the case with anthology movies, some segments are better than others--"The Gawkers" stands above the rest for sure. "Suicide Bid" is also very solid from start to finish. The remaining three are a bit unbalanced--there's a lot to sit through with "Shredding" to get to a decent ending; "Ozzy's Dungeon", the weakest overall, starts off on fire, goes ice cold, then picks back up for the closing minutes; "To Hell and Back" looks phenomenal, but otherwise is nothing great. I believe an anthology film should be like a rock concert--start off hot and finish hot. With that in mind, I would have kicked this movie off with "Suicide Bid" and ended it with "The Gawkers", which they kind of, sort of did, but not really. That aside, V/H/S/99 was a fun movie. More often than not, practical effects were used, and they looked great. The stories were interesting, and there were some genuinely creepy moments. Stay tuned for the credits to enjoy a post-credits scene, and some Danzig awesomeness while the credits roll. When I reviewed V/H/S/94, I said it was the best of the series since the original film--this one is even better, and is just as good as the first movie. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

V/H/S/99 Movie Trailer

DEADSTREAM

 

Deadstream Movie Review

Social media influencer (God, I hate that term) Shawn (Joseph Winter), known for livestreaming himself facing his fears via outrageous stunts, loses his many sponsorships and a large portion of his following after a controversial outing. Now, with one sole sponsor, and allowed back on a social media platform with strict guidelines, Shawn attempts to win back his followers and old sponsors by facing his biggest fear yet--ghosts. To do this, he is going to lock himself in Death Manor, known as "the most haunted house in the country", for the night...and, of course, livestream it. As is the case with a lot of similar movies, this one has the action in the middle, with the viewers commenting on the right.

Influencer influenced

Every once in a while, my girlfriend will pick out a newer horror movie for us to watch, and for me to review--my loyal readers know that, more often than not, what she selects is...let's say...not great. As this movie started, and I saw some dude who looked like Sami Zayn's little brother being obnoxious and reminding me why I seldom ever watch any videos online while simultaneously making me wonder why so many others do watch people such as this guy, I started to wonder if I would make it through this entire movie. Shawn positioned the cameras, and I realized I would be looking up this guy's nose for most of the movie--now I knew for sure I'd never make it. But then, something interesting happened. Shawn got into the house. A story began to unfold. A few creepy things started happening. Then a mysterious girl named Chrissy (Melanie Stone) showed up, and the movie took off like a hydraulic launch roller coaster and didn't slow down. (Speaking of launch coaster but kind of off topic, let's take a moment to remember the awesomeness that was Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, which was recently retired...or retired as we know it...or something). Obviously, what we have is a haunted house movie, so we're going to see ghosts, and I cannot stress enough how much I love how they look.

No CGI nonsense here!

The practical approach to the special effects is absolutely wonderful, and is an art that is sadly missing in most modern horror. There are many moments throughout that remind me of The Evil Dead, but in a most respectful, groovy way. The comedy is hit or miss, but when it hits, there are some laugh out loud moments--the running gag about no cursing is particularly funny, as is the naming of the cameras. The jabs at the "internet famous" and their fans also land. For the most part, this is a two person show, and Winter and Stone, both relative unknows, turn in very impressive performances. The house is genuinely creepy, but as the most haunted house in the country, I would have maybe made it even less touched. There's graffiti all over, making it seem as if tons of people have visited. I would have gotten rid of all that, and made it so that this place is so scary, nobody dares step foot inside. That aside, once you get past the first fifteen or so minutes, there's really not a lot to complain about. The first main twist is one you'll see coming, but the false finishes are clever, and will have you glued until the end. Over the years, I've wrapped up a few reviews by saying something along the lines of "I wanted to like this movie, but..." With Deadstream, it's quite the opposite--I generally dislike having social media/cell phone text interactions in movies, I have no interest whatsoever in "influencers", and, for the most part, I'm not a fan of most recent horror comedies, so upon starting this movie, and seeing a terribly annoying influencer, with text on the screen, I really wanted to dislike this movie, but I couldn't. Deadstream is funny, it's scary, it's smart, it's made very well, is one I recommend, and is a flick I believe will only get better with each additional viewing.  

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Deadstream Movie Trailer

TRILOGY OF TERROR

Trilogy of Terror Movie Review

The title pretty much says it all here--this is a collection of three stories of terror. All written by Richard Matheson, the stories were made into a movie that aired on broadcast television as part of the ABC Tuesday Movie of the Week. 

1970's awesomeness

All three stories featured Karen Black, likely best known to Rob Zombie and horror fans as Mother Firefly from House of 1,000 Corpses, and to Mike Patton fans for her duel role in Firecracker.

"Yes, I starred in a movie, too!"

In the first story, Black plays Julie, an English teacher with a student who has a deadly crush on her. He convinces her to go on a date, and once out, he drugs her. From there, he manipulates her, only to find out later the mouse may actually be the cat. While not really pushing up too closely to horror, this was a nice way to start off. 

"How you doin?"

In the second story, Black plays twin sisters Millicent and Therese--the former is a bit of a prude, while the latter is more, shall we say, outgoing. Millicent tells the family therapist Theresa has had sex with their father, and, believing her to be evil, plans to kill her. The weakest of the installments, I found this one kind of hard to get through. There is a twist, but you'll likely see it coming. 

No, thanks. There's at least two people sitting there already

The third and final installment is what we all watch this movie for. Here, Black plays Amelia, a woman who has just purchased a doll possessed with the spirit of a Zuni warrior. There's a gold chain wrapped around the doll, and as long as the chain stays intact, the doll is harmless. 

What could go wrong?

Being a made for television movie, this stuff was pretty terrifying for the time--in fact, most will put it on their list of scariest TV movies. For me, it's not the Zuni that makes the segment scary--the voice takes away that element for me. What really makes this one is Black's performance. You can feel the terror she's experiencing as she tries to figure out what to do with this monster. The closing scene (allegedly Black's idea) is fantastic as well. 

Don't smile, don't smile, don't smile

All these years later, Trilogy of Terror lives in the minds of elder horror fans (ones even older than me) as something that frightened them in their youth, and it's easy to see why. Amelia is something to be seen for sure, and if the other two segments were as strong, this movie would have a much higher score. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Trilogy of Terror TV Spot

HELLRAISER (2022)

 

Hellraiser Movie Review

Because we know Hollywood has limited ideas these days, Hulu brings the world yet another horror remake few asked for: Hellraiser. A brief history--in 1987, Hellraiser, a film written and directed by Clive Barker, and based on Barker's own novella, The Hellbound Heart, was released, and it kind of took the horror world by storm. The movie was a standout during a time that saw horror movies beginning to decline, and its lead character, Pinhead, became an icon in the genre. Two really good sequels, Hellbound: Hellraiser II and Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth, followed. In a perfect world, this is when the franchise would have died, but as horror fans, we know better. Seven more sequels followed, and none were any good, but we knew it was only a matter of time before they rebooted the whole thing. So here we are...Hellraiser being remade, and titled Hellraiser once more. 

It makes me want to cry too!

Riley (Odessa A’zion) is a drug addict living with her brother, Matt (Brandon Flynn), who decides he's had enough of her and throws her out. Feeling guilty, he goes looking for her and disappears after coming in contact with a mysterious puzzle box, which Riley and her boyfriend had stolen. Hellraiser fans will recognize the box, of course, and Riley, her dude, her brother's dude, and the other roommate (not a dude) go on the hunt for Matt. Riley is as annoying as any lead character I can recall, and, unfortunately, that sinks the movie right out of the gate. We can rely on the cenobites to help out, of course, but it takes a painfully long time for them to appear. Speaking of painfully long, this movie clocks in at over two hours, and there's not nearly enough interesting stuff happening to keep you hooked that long.

"Speak for yourself!"

The cenobites take on a much different look than we're used to, with some good and some bad. Generally speaking, I'm a fan of what they did with the faces, and less so of what was done with the bodies. I very much prefer the look from the original films, and think the flesh/muscle suits look a little hokey--that said, the look does work well on one or two of the cenobites. One character in particular it doesn't work well on is our feature star, Pinhead.

AKA The Priest, or Hell Priest...whatever your pleasure

If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may be wondering what the remaining cenobites look like, so here goes...

Masque

The Gasp

The Asphyx

Chatterer

The Weeper

The Mother

There's one more, but that one's kind of a spoiler, so I'll say no more. Overall, I was surprisingly satisfied with the cenobites--I wish the kills felt more like they did in the original films, but that's a mild complaint. As is common with remakes/reboots, there were several nods to the original films, and a few made me grin. The look inside Leviathan, a reminder of Hellraiser II, was especially cool. There's a nifty little twist near the end, and the final scene is also rather memorable. This remake of Hellraiser is frustrating--there's so much to like about it, but so much else weighing it down. Having a lead character who is so unlikable, who puts everybody in danger, and who does nothing really to redeem herself is bad--trying to make her into some sort of hero in the end is unbelievable and predictable. The acting was lacking across the board. The story was fair, but certainly not enough to justify 121 minutes. This movie is probably better than most of the original's sequels that came out after Hell on Earth--this statement, however, does not put it in any elite category. 

On A Scale Of One to Ten: 5

Hellraiser (2022) Movie Trailer

HALLOWEEN ENDS

 

Halloween Ends Movie Review

Halloween Ends starts with a babysitter named Corey watching a brat named Jeremy. The child falls to his death, and Corey may or may not have been the cause. Fast forward a few years, and Haddonfield, still trying to recover from the latest Michael Myers spree, gears up for Halloween. Before I continue, I will warn, there will be spoilers...let me repeat...

THERE

WILL

BE

SPOILERS

If you're a fan of the Halloween franchise, you're probably familiar with the many timelines--if you're not, I'm going to simplify it and only focus on what matters for this film. The original Halloween movie came out in 1978. In 2018, we got Halloween, a direct sequel to the 1978 film (why they titled this one Halloween instead of Halloween Part 2, or Halloween II, or something similar, is beyond me). In 2021, we saw the sequel to that movie (the third film in this timeline), Halloween Kills. This brings us here, to the fourth and (alleged) final Halloween film--at least in this timeline, but we know it's only a matter of time before a reboot of some sort comes along. 

"This contract clearly states I'm done after this"

If you're a fan of--or have at least seen--most of the Halloween films, and you dislike Halloween III: Season of the Witch strictly because Michael isn't in it, you may end up throwing things at your television while watching this movie. While it's not the case that Michael is completely out of the movie, it's no stretch to say he's replaced--if you want to be kind, we'll say he gets a tag team partner.

Tag me in!

You will likely see it coming in the movie, but here's a spoiler warning for this review as well--Corey goes a little mad and becomes the aforementioned partner after an odd encounter that sees Michael drag Corey into a drainage pipe, grab his throat, and then...not kill him. Why? Who knows. But Corey sees the evil, and it possesses him...I guess? As for Corey, Stephen King fans (and John Carpenter fans, for that matter) will immediately recognize the blatant ripoff off of nod to the character Arnie from Christine. 

He's only missing the tape on the glasses

Even more than the look, the development/unraveling of Corey is almost parallel to Arnie--that said, Rohan Campbell did a wonderful job with the character, turning in the movie's best performance. The kills are down significantly from the previous film, and Michael's are down even more. A major complaint with the previous film was it felt more Friday the 13th and less Halloween--this movie kind of felt like neither, but the deaths we do see are gruesome for sure. As has been the trend, there are more nods to the previous films than you can shake a butcher knife at. The are few actual scares, but maybe a surprise or two thrown in. The movie is terribly long--this is a 90 minute flick at best, yet it pushes nearly two hours. After sitting through watching somebody else kill the folks of Haddonfield (and that doesn't even really start until almost an hour in), we finally get Michael vs Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis), and to say the ending is underwhelming is an understatement. 

I think even his mask has grown grey hairs

Halloween Ends is as dull and soulless as the two movies that preceded it. We are a culture that is hungry for nostalgia, and there is no shortage of companies looking to cash in on that. But, to quote The Wedding Singer (which I can't believe I'm about to do on this site), "I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino... Do you know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino?... Their shows got cancelled because no one wants to see a 50-year-old guy hitting on chicks." The context here is slightly different than in that movie, but the general idea is similar--perhaps the reason these three movies never should have been made in the first place is because none of us should have ever reached for that nostalgia and wanted to see elderly Laurie fighting elderly Michael. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Halloween Ends Movie Trailer

BAD CANDY

Bad Candy Movie Review

A couple disc jockeys on radio station 66.6 tell spooky tales on Halloween, resulting in an anthology movie filled with stories that all intertwine at least somewhat--picture Trick 'r Treat, only not nearly as good. Before we move on, I know you may be wondering about that radio station--it's a horror movie, so it's all silly fun, but, of course, 66.6 cannot be an actual station--judging by scene featuring the drug dealer listening to it in an old Bonneville, we know it's a regular radio station, and it appears to actually be in the 105 territory. That said, the FCC would have a field day with this show. You probably know the DJs--one is Zach Galligan (Billy from Gremlins) and the other is Corey Taylor from the band Slipknot--picture Mr. Bungle, only knot nearly as good. 

Thank me later 

Back to the movie--there are more stories in this feature than I care to dive too deeply into (this is supposed to be QUICK horror movie reviews, after all), but I'll briefly touch on each. The whole thing starts off surprisingly well, with some really nice Halloween settings to get us in the mood, and a clown turning a brat of a kid into a toy. The clown will pop up throughout, ala Sam from the aforementioned Trick 'r Treat. 

Hi Jack

We then have a girl with the ability to bring her drawings to life--this may come in handy as she battles her drunken redneck stepdad who, if nothing else, has good taste in retro furniture. 

Look out, Ben

It's in this story we begin to see how bad the CGI is, and man, is it ever terrible. There's not much, if any, improvement throughout the rest of the movie, which is all the more disappointing in that the practical effects, when used, are actually okay. More disappointing is the movie as a whole kind of falls off the cliff after the first twenty minutes. There's an old feller putting razor blades in candy--he ends up with the razor blades in his own throat, kind of like in Night of the Demons (anybody else noticing a pattern here?). 

The shirt I'm wearing right now looks just like this one...seriously

From there, we see a drug dealer at a Halloween party--the dude reminds me of a million guys I knew back in my Ohio days--I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but that doesn't matter--he ends up in the Bonneville and eventually in a bathroom, where he is stalked and finally meets his demise in a scene similar to one from Scream 2. 

Never press your ear against the stall!

A woman leaves the party to go to work in the morgue and starts to seduce a dead guy. When he appears to come back to life, she flips out, looks like she's on an acid trip, and sees cadavers turn into zombies. Some guy attacks some woman at her house and chases her to a playground, where there's a battle to the death. A rideshare driver and his buddies kidnap some people with questionable morals, tie them up, put large pumpkins on their heads, and set them loose to be stalked by their friend. 

LENNY!

The woman in the morgue installment is dull and ramped up only slightly when the corpse appears to come to life. The cat and mouse between the man and woman offers nothing of any real interest. The story with pumpkinheaded people is painfully bad, especially in its brutally horrible attempts at humor; Lenny, however, looks so fantastic it almost makes up for the time it takes to get to him. The movie ends with a story of a house burning down, and ties directly to the gents at the radio station. The final little twist is surprisingly satisfying, if not a bit predictable. 

Here's a hint

Bad Candy is one of those movies that has loads of potential, but comes up short in practically every way it can. To even the casual viewer, the most obvious shortcoming will be in the special effects category. The CGI looks like some of the worst stuff to come from SyFy Originals--maybe even worse. I get that there are people who are into this, and, if given the right type of movie, I am too--this isn't that type of movie. They also tried to do way too much. Perhaps had they picked three of the more interesting stories and expanded on them instead of stretching about a half dozen uninspired yarns out to around 103 minutes, a better movie would have resulted. This brings us to the third major issue--lack of originality. I pointed out a few examples, but believe me when I tell you, there are many more instances of thievery going on here. The acting leaves a lot to be desired as well, though Taylor's performance as Chilly Billy was better than I expected. Bad Candy does have a couple bright spots, but it's safe to say it will never become a Halloween tradition in my household.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Bad Candy Movie Trailer

SWEET SIXTEEN (AKA SWEET 16)

Sweet Sixteen Movie Review

Just shy of her sixteenth birthday, Melissa Morgan (Aleisa Shirley) arrives in a small town. Soon after, a series of murders begin taking place. Could the mysterious Melissa be behind them? That's the premise of this low budget 1983 film that has a bit more whodunit than the average slasher. In fact, the movie may attempt to go too deep for a slasher, especially one from this time period. We meet a slew of characters, have a few subplots, a red herring or two--of course, we still have what you likely came for, which is the blood. Though the deaths are fairly high, the scenes are rather tame, so those looking for a lot of gore may be disappointed. There's also plenty of the other 1980s horror staple, nudity, thrown in.

Don't look so surprised

The acting from the primary characters is surprisingly decent--the minor characters, on the other hand, are rough. The rednecks taunting and harassing the...who knows what the politically correct name will be at the time you are reading this, so I'll just say the...not white person subplot had already been done a million times in movies by the time this one came out, but all the actors involved did a good job and it actually tied nicely into the ending--plus, it's always fun seeing racists get their comeuppance. The twists and turns at the end are a bit much, and the slow motion absolutely kills the climax of the film. There's nothing terrific about Sweet Sixteen, but there's nothing terrible about it either--it's a perfectly average horror movie. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Sweet Sixteen Movie Trailer