THE ALPHA INCIDENT

The Alpha Incident Movie Review

Deadly organisms from Mars are accidentally let loose on a train. At the next station the train (and the pace of the movie) come to a screeching halt, as a quarantine is ordered. What we're left with is a handful of uninteresting characters talking...and talking...and talking for the remainder of the film. Released in 1978, this movie is a true test of your dedication to making through a showing in one sitting. At 95 minutes, this movie truly feels at least twice as long. There is but one character in this movie who is somewhat likable and, of course, they kill him off before reaching the half-way mark.

"Spoiler Alert!"

Toward the end of the movie we FINALLY see what happens to the infected, and that is entertaining in a so bad it's good way, so there's that. Honestly, loyal readers, I wish there was more to say about this movie, but there really isn't. It's not an exaggeration to say that at least 98 percent of this movie is untalented actors reading the lines from a poorly written script with no story advancement, suspense, horror, or anything of any interest at all actually happening. In reality, this is two out of ten, but I'm feeling nice, so I'll add an extra point just for my man Buck Flower being in the film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

I couldn't find a trailer, but the entire movie is out there...I like you too much to link that here. 

READY OR NOT

Ready or Not Movie Review

Grace (Samara Weaving) marries Alex (Mark O'Brien), joining a very wealthy family. But before this is made official, she has to play a game. Is it checkers? Backgammon? Chess? No, it's hide-and-seek.

"This sounds fun!"

That seems harmless enough, but you ARE on a blog dedicated to horror films, so you know there's a catch to this game. The Le Domas family have their fortune in part due to a vague pact made generations ago, and when the newest family member draws hide-and-seek as their wedding night game, the game is a deadly one--the family must kill the would-be new family member before sunrise, or the entire Le Domas family dies. This 2019 box office hit blends comedy and horror, but unfortunately, never really finds the right formula to pull it off. With such an absurd premise, one wonders how much better this could have been had they focused more on the comedic element--or made the comedy it does contain funnier. While there is a laugh out loud moment or two, most of the comedy is more along the lines of "look, that old guy just dropped an F-bomb". The acting is fair, with Adam Brody of Gilmore Girls fame standing out as the sympathetic brother-in-law. Weaving will also grow on you as the film progresses.

"Wait...if I kill them all, I inherit the fortune!"

There is quite a bit of blood in this one, so if nothing else, that will keep you going. The ending very much has a 1980's feel to it, and finally brings the level of over-the-top action that should have been present throughout. One could make the argument this movie was influenced by You're Next--I think you could call this a rip-off of that film and be accurate. While Ready or Not is not a bad horror movie, one can't help but wonder how much better it could have been with a bit more originality. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Ready or Not Red Band Movie Trailer

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (Zombieland 2)

Zombieland: Double Tap Movie Review

Set (and released) ten years after the original film, we find Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson, Natural Born Killers), Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg, Now You See Me), and Wichita (Emma Stone, La La Land) searching for Little Rock (Abigail Breslin, Maggie) after she runs off with a hippie pacifist (Avan Jogia).In the years since the original Zombieland, the four have taken up residency in the White House, and the zombies have evolved--there are now Hawkings (smart zombies, named for Stephen Hawking), Ninjas (ones who sneak up on you), Homers (the ones so dumb they pose little threat and named in honor of Homer Simpson), and, as they find out later, T-800's, zombies that are practically indestructible and named in honor of The Terminator.

"A zombie that is hard to kill? Interesting..."

Much like the first movie, this one is filled with a nice combination of gore and laughs. Harrelson and Eisenberg are as wonderful as they were in the first movie, and Stone steps it up a bit more, bringing much more personality to her character this time around. Breslin is not in the movie as much as you would think she would be, and she is sort of replaced for much of the film by Madison (Zoey Deutch), a girl who Columbus gets with while Wichita briefly runs off--she tags along when Wichita returns. Deutch does a good job here, but my goodness, the character is so irritating you cheer for the zombies to kill her. The film features a particularly interesting gag no doubt lifted from Shaun of the Dead--Tallahassee and Columbus meet up with their doppelgangers, Albuquerque (Luke Wilson, Vacancy) and Flagstaff (Thomas Middleditch, Godzilla: King of the Monsters) respectively. Middleditch is especially good in this role, as he is almost a carbon copy of Eisenberg. Less impressive is Rosario Dawson as as Nevada, Tallahassee's would-be love interest. I am not a fan of Dawson to begin with, and her performance here did nothing to change my opinion of her. When we get to the final confrontation at the end, there is a lot of hit or miss with many of the characters we meet, but overall, this movie provides pretty much what we expected--a lot of laughs, a lot of blood, and an ending that wraps up everything nicely. Look for small references, wonder why Tallahassee has apparently overcome his Twinkie obsession, and hang tight for the credits to see a bit of a prequel to the first movie. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Zombieland: Double Tap Movie Trailer

MIRROR MIRROR

Mirror Mirror Movie Review

After moving into a new house with her mom, teenager Megan (Rainbow Harvest--yes, that's her real name) finds an old mirror in her bedroom. Being the new girl in school (and looking like she just walked out of a Siouxsie and the Banshees concert), Megan is picked on by the popular girls. Eventually Megan realizes the mirror in her bedroom has some dark powers, and she figures out how to use those powers to gain revenge on her bullies. This hidden gem comes to us from 1990, and you can really tell this, as it still has that 80's-horror feel to it while also providing a peek at what was to come in the 90's. Harvest pulls off the New Wave/Goth look nicely, and, unlike actresses with a similar look in tons of other films, is actually believable as this character.

"Have you heard the new Depeche Mode album?"

Aside from looking like a girl I would have hung out with in the 90's, Harvest brings a wonderful wickedness to her character, as we see her slowly transform from quiet, moody teenager to vengeful predator. The rest of the cast is pretty much what you would expect from a low budget horror film from this era, but with a few recognizable faces--Karen Black (House of 1000 Corpses, The Pyx), William Sanderson (Blade Runner, Newhart), and Stephen Tobolowsky (Memento, Groundhog Day) all have supporting roles here. 

Ned! Ryerson! 

The characters in the film--especially the teenagers--are rather generic, though the loyalties of one or two may surprise you, as it goes a bit against the grain of what we may predict. Many of the special effects are shaky, and the climax will fall short of that of Poltergeist (to say they are similar is being nice). That aside, Mirror Mirror is a fun horror film that turned out to be much better than I anticipated. 

On A Scale of One To Ten: 7

Mirror Mirror Red Band Movie Trailer

A.M.I.

A.M.I. Movie Review

A woman loses her Mom in a car accident and does what any person would do--she downloads an A.I. app on her phone, manipulates the sounds so it resembles her mother's voice, and names the thing "Mother". Cassie's (Debs Howard) problems don't end there--her boyfriend cheats on her, often with her best friend, and her Dad is a creep. Once Mother figures all this out, she encourages Cassie to kill those around her. Believe it or not, I've managed to make this movie sound much more interesting that it actually is.

"Mom, he's being so mean!"

To call this movie a mess would be making it seem more entertaining than what we get--it's more a combination of everything I hate about people in the 21st Century and everything I hate about being bored. The dialogue is absurd, the characters--ALL the characters--are unlikable, the acting is atrocious, and the directing, the editing are poor at best, and the story...well, you know the story. Truly the only redeeming quality of this film is the gore--it's not lacking in blood and guts. The rest, however, is far too much to sit through for those few moments of enjoyment. Do yourself a favor and scroll right on past this movie.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

A.M.I. Movie Trailer

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2

The Houses October Built 2 Movie Review

Brandy, Zack, Mikey, Bobby, and Jeff, the documentary-making, haunted house thrill-seekers from The Houses October Built return for the sequel--Brandy is now traumatized by her experience, but is internet-famous as "Coffin Girl". The guys in the group make a little money now for going to haunted houses around the United States, and after being promised a big payday for a particular adventure, they bribe Brandy into joining them once more. Things get a bit dicey, however, when signs of Blue Skeleton's involvement begin popping up.

You know you're in trouble when you see her

Though not a huge fan of the original film, I saw potential in it, and was oddly excited when I found out a sequel was made. I was finally able to access the movie when it came to Hulu, and without hesitation checked it out. Right off the bat, I will say one thing about this movie--it is part of a rare fraternity of sequels that are better than the first film. Most of my complaints about the first film are righted in this movie--the characters are given a bit of depth, the panicked reactions go beyond dropping repeated F-bombs, and the camera work is much steadier (though I am not a fan of drone shots). Much of this movie is spent picking up the pieces of the first movie and establishing a follow-up. Once that is set, we follow (primarily) the four guys through several haunted house, zombie run, and escape room attractions--this lasts for about the first hour of the film, and comes across almost like a documentary on haunted houses, as the crew visits actual attractions across the country (Haunted Hoochie from the Columbus, Ohio area is mentioned, but alas, they don't make it there). This part of the film is much more entertaining than the third act, which, while providing a twist, is largely predictable. A step up from the first movie, The Houses October Built 2 isn't a great horror film, but on a lonely February morning, it sure will make you long for the Halloween season.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Houses October Built 2 Movie Trailer

BLOOD FEAST

Blood Feast Movie Review

A weirdo caterer (Mal Arnold) kills women in the Miami area. Why does he do this, you ask? It's so he can remove certain body parts from each victim to use to bring back an ancient Egyptian goddess--I'm not making this up. Blood Feast is a 1963 film that is shocking in the sheer amount of blood and gore it contains. While somewhat tame compared to a few of the movies that have come out since, there are still some scenes in this movie that hold up against any film that has come out since--I can only imagine how horrified people watching this movie in 1963 must have been when they saw the woman's tongue torn out or the brain removed from one.

Eye won’t even mention what happened here

Needless to say, most of the points this movie earns are based on the gore factor, and credit must be given for being so ahead of its time. Unfortunately, as many points must be taken away for practically every other aspect of the film. The acting is brutal. The dialogue is mind-numbing. The story is nonsensical. Thankfully, all this actually adds a bit of charm to the movie, and only makes the entire presentation seem even more maddening. The final scene in particular is memorable, as several police officers chase the killer on foot half way across Florida it seems, and though the maniac caterer has a limp so bad he drags his foot when he walks, they still never catch him! Rest assured, loyal readers, he gets his comeuppance, and in a most glorious manner. Blood Feast is by no means a good horror movie, but it is worth watching for the bloodshed and historical appreciation.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Blood Feast Movie Trailer