COLOR ME BLOOD RED

Color Me Blood Red Movie Review

Artist Adam Sorg (Gordon Oas-Heim) discovers blood provides the perfect shade of red for his paintings, inspiring him to go on a murderous rampage. This 1965 splatter film is brought to us by Herschell Gordon Lewis, AKA "The Godfather of Gore", and he really lives up to that moniker with this one. If you watch this movie and think it reminds you of something else you have seen, but you can't put your finger on it, let me help you out--you're thinking of A Bucket of Blood. This movie is so similar to that one that I really couldn't take my mind off it, to the point I wrote Color Me Blood Red off as a cheap imitation. Eventually, I was able to look past that, however, as there is tons of gore to keep you watching. Some of the gore is extreme, especially for 1965--in one scene, Sorg disembowels a woman and squeezes her intestine to get more blood from her. Aside from the extreme gore, there's not a whole lot going for this movie--unless hot chicks from the 1960's light your fire, in which case you're really going to like this movie.

60's hot chick, the killer and...that other guy

The acting is really bad. The story doesn't ever go anywhere, and no characters are developed, so by the time you get to the climax of the film, you likely won't care about the fate of anybody involved. There is also some rather unfunny comedic elements to the film, especially in the end. All that said, if you're looking for a mindless old-school bloodfest, you could do a lot worse than Color Me Blood Red.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Color Me Blood Red Movie Trailer

THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH

The Horror of Party Beach Movie Review

Time for a quick lesson in film and Americana history. In the early 1960's, surfing and hanging out on the beach became a huge favorite of the youth. This was the early days of teenage rebellion-- a sort of bridging between the James Dean and Jack Kerouac worshiping teens of the late 1950's and the hippies that would come along later in the 60's. From this, a new genre of music, dubbed surf music, was born, as well as what would be known as beach party movies. These movies would feature teenagers partying on the beach, surfing, driving muscle cars, and having a goofy good time, often set to the aforementioned surf music or poppier teenage stuff such as Frankie Avalon (who also starred in some of these films). At the height of these films' popularity, somebody must have had the idea of "Hey, what would happen if we made a beach party film, but also crossed it with Creature from the Black Lagoon?" and, voila, The Horror of Party Beach was born. The creation of the creatures is as generic as one can imagine--barrels of toxic waste are thrown into the water--but the result is a handful of sea creatures that look less Gill Man and more...

Hot dog eating master

The movie, made in 1964, certainly has elements of the beach party movies--we get extended scenes of teens on a beach, partying and dancing to the catchy tunes of live band The Del-Aires. Not content with what was already an odd combination of movie genres, the filmmakers also, just for the heck of it, I guess, decided to throw a bunch of other stuff in. We briefly have a motorcycle gang, resulting in one of the most hilariously bad fight scenes I have ever witnessed. Mention of zombies is thrown in, just because. Eulabelle (Eulabelle Moore), the maid of Dr. Gavin, the would-be hero, goes on and on about voodoo. There are feeble attempts at love stories, and apparently, to get a girl in this city, all you gotta do is just wink your eye. The movie is very enjoyable during the beach scenes and whenever we see the monsters, but you may lose interest when the focus shifts to the adults trying to figure out how to defeat the creatures and all the "scientific" mumbo jumbo is thrown at you. If you're a fan of catching movie mistakes, keep an eye out for all the times the scenes change from night to day and back again. Largely considered one of the all-time worst films, I found a lot to enjoy while watching The Horror of Party Beach--as somebody who generally prefers the rubber-suit monsters over the CGI ones, I loved the creatures in the film, I loved the beach scenes, and thought this movie was a lot of fun.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Horror of Party Beach Movie Trailer

MISERY

Misery Movie Review

Acclaimed writer Paul Sheldon (James Caan) is knocked unconscious in a car accident. He awakens to find himself in the home of Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates), his self-proclaimed number one fan. Wilkes, a nurse, helps Sheldon recover from his injuries, but when she reads Sheldon's latest, unpublished novel, and finds the title character has been killed off, Wilkes kind of loses her mind, and Sheldon realizes he is in more trouble than he suspected. This 1990 movie, based on the 1987 Stephen King novel, won critical acclaim upon its release, and landed Bates a much-deserved Oscar for Best Actress.

I'm not a dirty bird! I promise!

It had been years since I watched this movie--so many, in fact, that as my girlfriend and I were watching the show Castle Rock and she pointed how similar Lizzy Caplan's portrayal of the character Annie Wilkes on the show was to Bates', I couldn't remember. We continued watching the show (as a side note, I recommend checking that out), making a mental note to watch the movie when we could find it. Months later, we discovered it on Hulu and yes, the similarities between the two performances are impressive. This movie is one that will have you on the edge of your seat--early on, we realize Wilkes is not all there, and for the remainder of the movie you are just waiting for her to inevitably snap. Caan also turns in a nice performance as the helpless Sheldon. Director Rob Reiner (Meathead from All in the Family and director of Stand By Me) does a fantastic job setting up the tension in this film, creating an atmosphere that leaves the viewer mentally on edge the entire time. This movie is known for one scene in particular--I won't go into detail in case you've never seen it, but if you don't know it's coming, it is quite shocking and very brutal. The ending creates a bit of a conundrum--while you know Wilkes is insane and extremely dangerous, you may find a part of yourself feeling sorry for her, making it tough to know who to cheer for. In the unlikely event you have never seen the movie Misery, do yourself a huge favor and track it down. It is one of the better horror films from the 1990's, and one of the best screen adaptations of a Stephen King story.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 8

Misery Movie Trailer

NEON MANIACS

Neon Maniacs Movie Review

A gang of monsters emerge from the Golden Gate Bridge, unleashing destruction as they carve their way through teenagers. What is the story of the monsters? Why are they here? Why do they hate teenagers? We never get the answers to these questions, though we can assume they hate teenagers for the same reasons everybody else does. The story of why we don't know their story is probably more interesting than the actual movie. Some time into the filming of this movie, production had to be shut down for a few months due to budget issues. Eventually, they got back up and running, but faced quite an issue--many of the actors portraying the monsters were not available to come back, so the characters had to be recast--yes, there are multiple actors playing the same monsters in this movie.

“O-Ee-Yah! Eoh-Ah!”

The monsters, I guess, are sort of like zombies, but posses skills--one is an archer, one is quite handy with the sword, and so on. About half way in we discover there is one thing that can stop these creatures--water, which makes you wonder why the live in the Golden Gate Bridge, but let's forget that. The acting in this movie is bad, but not unbearably so. The practical effects are actually a bit better than one would expect from this movie--unfortunately, the makeup is exactly what you would anticipate. There's a lot that screams "1980's" about this film, which is nice--one such scene is the dance/battle of the bands that appears to set up the final battle. The neon behind the bands is fantastic stuff. Speaking of this battle, the bands/music are horrible--Faith No More and Primus were both kicking around San Francisco at this time--were they not available?! Anyway, the final battle was not to be--the movie was halted again and those making the magic must have decided to call it quits and piece together something with what they had filmed. The results of this unfinished film: we have no idea what the monsters are or where they came from, there is no final battle, and the movie ends and goes into the credits so abruptly you will think you have a problem with your Roku...and we are left wondering forever what could have been with this film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Neon Maniacs Movie Trailer

CUTTING CLASS

Cutting Class Movie Review

Soon after Brian Woods (Donovan Leitch, The Blob), a teen accused of killing his father, returns to school after being released from a mental institution, student bodies start turning up dead. Is this Brian's doing, or is there a second maniac on the loose? That's the premise of this comedic horror film, which was shot in 1987 but not released until 1989. If you have heard of this movie at all, it is likely because it is one of the few films Brad Pitt did prior to becoming a household name, and wow, is that ever a strange thing to see.

"THIS guy's going to be famous?"

Aside from the weirdness of seeing Pitt play a teenager, it is also bizarre watching him play an unlikable character--he's the typical high school jerk guy and boyfriend of the lead--and it's not something he pulls off well. On the flip side, Jill Schoelen (Popcorn) is as good as it gets as Paula, the lead character. Prior to starting the movie I knew Schoelen, Pitt, and Leitch (who, incidentally, is the son of singer Donovan and brother of actress Ione Skye) all starred, but was surprised when Roddy McDowall (Fright Night) appeared as Mr. Dante.

"You didn't tell him I'd be here?"

My excitement level for this movie shot up to eleven as soon as I saw McDowall, one of my all-time favorite actors, but unfortunately, he is grossly underused in this movie. There is a bit more unexpected star power in this under the radar flick, including Martin Mull (Jingle All The Way), Dirk Blocker (Night of the Scarecrow), and Brenda James (Slither). This movie is a slasher on one hand, but as I mentioned before, a comedy as well--while some of the comedic elements are dark and hit the right chord, others, particularly anything involving Mull, are just awful, which is a shame, because I typically enjoy Mull's performances. The movie works as a whodunit as well, and may have you guessing quite a bit before the reveal. Be on the lookout for continuity errors--actually, you really don't have to be paying much attention to catch most of them, but when you do see them, you will certainly be entertained. I wasn't expecting much out of Cutting Class, and it is not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a really fun movie to watch. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Cutting Class Movie Trailer

THE BORROWER

The Borrower Movie Review

An alien must face the greatest punishment known to its species--damnation to a horrible planet known as Earth. As if that's not bad enough, it also has to take the form of a human...poor thing. After going a while without watching a horror film from the 1990's, I decided to skim through everything offered on my Roku device, landing on Vudu. While this offered well over 300 free to watch horror films, very few were from the 1990's (this movie was shot in 1989, but not released until 1991, so I consider it a 90's movie). Long-time readers will know I am not fond of this decade's horror films in general, and this lack of options pretty well defines that ten year period--while there certainly were some gems, the decade as a whole didn't have a lot to offer. Enough with the history lesson and back to our feature. This one stars Rae Dawn Chong (Tales from the Darkside: The Movie), who is best known for being the son of Tommy Chong and for being married to C. Thomas Howell. Chong was a fairly popular actress throughout the early to mid 1980's, but by the time this film came out in 1991, her stardom had all but vanished.

Or it went up in smoke, if you will

Soon after arriving, the alien's human head explodes, so it has to get a new one, which lays the groundwork of the film--the alien goes from person to person, tearing their head off to use it when its head nears expiration. This gives the movie a Jason Goes to Hell vibe, which is never a good thing, and there is something very distracting about the head-switching--when the alien switches heads, it also gets the body he just took the head from...even though we see the body is being left behind. This becomes obvious when it goes from a white guy's head to a black guy's head, and now also has the black dude's body, which becomes a white dude's body after getting the next white guy's head.

Black dude and white dude

We do see an exception to this when our alien takes the head of...a dog, at which time it keeps a human body, providing a memorable visual. From the acting to the story to the horribly unfunny comedic elements, practically everything about this movie is bad, but the cheesy alien costume and some of the special effects will provide enough to keep your attention. Aside from Chong, you may also recognize Tom Towles (Night of the Living Dead), and much like Chong, he seems uninterested in this movie. Unless you are really in the mood for a bad 90's flick, I see no reason to recommend watching this one.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Borrower Movie Trailer

NIGHTMARE WEEKEND

Nightmare Weekend Movie Review

Hmm...Umm...Bear with me while I try to collect the words to describe the plot of this movie...okay, I quit. You can't really explain that which does not exist, so I will offer to you the pieces that do exist and were (presumably) used to try to create an actual story. There is a millionaire professor, his treacherous mistress, and his daughter living in a mansion, where they have created some all-knowing, all-powerful computer. There is a balding puppet with green hair and black lipstick in the shape of a heart--he talks for the computer...and offers the daughter advice about love and life.

Because I know you want proof of this

The computer allows the people to control...I don't know...random stuff? The daughter, for example, can control cars via the computer by playing the video game Turbo. Somehow the silver balls from pinball machines come into play, and turn people into monsters. And there's naked chicks and a little gore as well. Remember when I said I will watch any horror film from the 1980's? This is one of those, having taken the world by storm in 1986. I know this will come as a shock, considering what I have said to this point, but the acting is bad in this movie and it is shot very poorly. To make matters worse, almost everything you hear is dubbed, and my God, is it ever awful. If you are familiar with Troma, you will not be surprised to hear this nonsense was distributed by them--yes, I stuck with it even after seeing the Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz graphic at the start (I actually love this graphic). Some of the settings are kind of cool (such as an arcade), and the sheer curiosity of what will happen next will keep you going--not that you expect anything to make sense at any point. It's more a thought of "Can this getting any worse?...let's see!".

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Nightmare Weekend Movie Trailer