Because nobody likes spending an hour reading a movie review, I bring you Quick Horror Movie Reviews, a site offering to the point reviews of horror films from a guy who has seen thousands of them. From the classics to the hidden gems, the slashers to the creatures, the multi-million dollar blockbusters to the direct to video awfulness, it's all here! Read, enjoy, and for the best experience, go old school and view the desktop version!
Emilie (Ombretta Colli) returns home to find her father has been disfigured, the help has changed, and she only has five days to kick the family curse, or else she will die the day she turns 21. Along the way, he father is encouraging her to just go ahead and die because, hey, it's really not too bad! This is still another Italian Gothic tale from my Chilling Classics collection, and is as sleep-inducing as most of the rest.
"You feel your eyelids getting heavier..."
Allegedly inspired by the works of Poe, this movie seems more a mess created all on its own. Have you ever been so bored you watched a snail crawl from one destination to another? I haven't either, but I can imagine it moves along faster than this film does...and is probably more entertaining. Colli seems confused by everything that is happening around her--not the character, the actress--and her acting skills far outweigh those of everybody else in the film. The makeup is laughable. The reveal at the end will make you yawn (assuming you are still awake at this point). The movie visually is identical to hundreds of others from this genre. The opening credits are actually kind of cool, and some of the director's shots are a bit interesting--I'm in a really good mood right now, so I am trying to be positive and think of some good things to say about this film....I have nothing more.
A writer (Udo Kier) suffering from writer's block hires a secretary (Linda Hayden) to help him with his next book. What the writer doesn't know is the secretary has a secret and is there to do more than help with his writing. This movie of many names is from 1976 England, and my goodness, is it ever dull. The lead character, Paul, is as boring and unlikable as any lead you will ever find in a movie, and another actor's voice is dubbed in for Kier's. Hayden is more interesting, particularly when she brings out the dark side of her character. After a lot of patience, and false visions of things happening (it's actually all in Paul's paranoid mind), we finally arrive at secretary Linda doing a bit of killing after being raped by some backwards locals.
This may or may not be happening...you may or may not care
This is one of those movies where the strategy seemed to be "throw in some nudity to keep the viewer watching", as there is plenty of Hayden and another woman, Suzanne (Fiona Richmond), walking around without clothing. The little twist at the end is kind of interesting and brings the movie up a bit, though the ending is...actually, let's talk about that ending. I watched this movie on Frightpix. Just as Linda is attacking Paul with the knife, the movie stopped and I found myself back on the Roku home page. Curious, I went back to Frightpix and to the movie, and the same thing happened again. Thinking the third time is a charm, I tried once more, but Frightpix refused to show the rest of the movie, so off to YouTube I went. I was able to find the ending, and the five minutes or so left off Frightpix were atrocious--honestly, the random part where the movie stops playing in Frightpix would have been a better ending! No matter what title this one goes by, House on Straw Hill is fairly tame, both as a horror and sexploitation film.
Four women, best friends while they were in high school, reunite for New Year's Eve. Danielle (Carly Chaikin) is internet-famous after creating "inspirational" videos, and is about to get her own television show. Alexis (Suki Waterhouse) is a babysitter who seems very jealous of her friend's fame, as she believes she is the one who should be where Danielle is. What will happen when these two get back together? Before we get more into this, let me address the title. Into the Dark is the name of a television series on Hulu, and New Year, New You is episode three of the first season. Unlike most television shows, however, the episodes of Into the Dark are feature-length--this one is 90 minutes. So essentially the series is a bunch of unrelated movies, and there is no need to watch the episodes sequentially if you don't want to. This brings us full-circle to New Year, New You, which, of course, I watched in the spirit of the new year.
Her year is starting rough
This movie takes seemingly forever to take off. We are introduced to the four women, see them get reacquainted, find out how they have changed, what they are up to these days, and so on, until FINALLY some tension starts to build. Once we find out the real purpose of this reunion, things really pick up and most of the rest of the feature is filled with twists and turns, some of which are a bit surprising, while others are rather predictable. The acting is fine--nothing stands out as being particularly good or bad. The ending is a bit of a letdown, and as predictable as much of the rest of the story. One takeaway from the movie is the message of what is defined as a celebrity these days, and how so many people can buy into the nonsense spewed by them, to the point they not only make that person rich and famous, but also somebody they practically worship. After all is said and done, New Year, New You is a forgettable film--while there are worse ways to spend an hour and a half of your day, there is no reason to set aside that time to watch this episode either.
Parenting is tough...or so I'm told, as I don't have children and, God willing, never will. Sometimes kids, and especially teenagers, are so annoying and difficult, parents just want to kill them. In Mom and Dad, something gets into parents, making them actually kill their kids. Don't ask why this happens--the movie never quite explains it. The parents seem absolutely rabid at times, filled with a rage that cannot be contained--think 28 Days Later--but also are still very much able to communicate. The movie centers primarily around one family, with the legendary Nicholas Cage (Knowing) and Selma Blair (W Deltz Z) as the parents. Can this get any more insane? Oh yeah, plenty! For good measure, we get another legend, Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead) in a brief appearance as Cage's father, more blood and guts than you can shake a stick at, some dark humor, and, possibly most surprising, a very emotional speech from Cage that really cuts to the heart of what this roller coaster of madness is really all about--reaching middle age and wondering what you have done with your life. Few parents will admit it, but many wonder what could have happened with their life had they not had kids...or got locked into the mortgage, maybe even got married, and, worst of all...had they not had to grow old. Wow...I'm depressing myself here.
"At least you don't have kids!"
Like I said, the movie never really explains why the parents snap all at the same time, but I like to think it is a world-wide realization that sends them into a frenzy, and fuels the rage against what they, deep down, resent more than anything in life. If you don't want to dive too deeply into this movie, there is plenty to enjoy on the surface, and the ride, once it starts, is a wild one. The primary drawbacks of the movie are the directing and the editing. We have far too many extreme close ups of peoples faces for my liking, and the framing of many of the shots is questionable. The editing is also rough at times, as much of the action is cut so quickly it makes it impossible to really appreciate what is happening. Some of the acting leaves a lot to be desired as well, but Cage, Blair and, for the brief time we have him, Henriksen are all on their game. Cage is as over the top as we have seen him, and his delivery of his pain of growing old is actually really, really good. Blair's performance turns downright creepy near the end. Many viewers will complain about the ending, but I rather liked it. I wasn't expecting much out of Mom and Dad, but I am happy my girlfriend and I gave it a shot. It was a fun way to bring in the new decade!
Our pal Josef (Mark Duplass) from the first Creep movie returns, this time experiencing a midlife crisis as he questions how much satisfaction he still receives from killing people. Much like in the first film, he places a Craigslist ad, seeking a videographer to shoot him doing...something. The ad is answered by Sara (Desiree Akhaven), a video creator trying to get views on her video blog site by producing episodes that feature unusual people. So yeah, if you've seen Creep, you know this sounds pretty much identical to that movie, and just as in that one, the videographer decides the money (or views) is worth being isolated with this madman. Interestingly, Josef calls himself Aaron in this one--that's the name of the videographer in the first film. Let me go ahead and answer the question you are likely asking...yes, Peachfuzz returns!
And he's as fuzzy as ever
One of the strengths of the original film is how real it felt--this movie still has that, but not to the same degree. Another strength was the chemistry between the two actors--this too is lost in the sequel, as Duplass can't quite capture that magic with Akhaven. This likely has a lot to do with Duplass' acting skills being far superior to Akhaven's, to the point where he more than carries the movie himself. Josef/Aaron is still awkward and bizarre, but at times this is taken far enough to border on feeling like a parody of the character we know. The movie plods along, and most unfortunately, most of it is rather predictable, right up to the ending. Allegedly, there is a third movie in the works...here's hoping that one brings some originality instead of being practically a carbon-copy of the first film.
Not to be confused with the James Caan modern Christmas classic Elf, this is a 2017 horror flick that is centered around Nick (Gabriel Miller), a seemingly disturbed man who inherits a toy shop...and an evil elf along with it. Much to my delight, this one stayed largely away from comedy, coming across as more of a straight horror film, something we just don't get enough of these days, and did not expect from seeing the movie poster--of course, there are some unintentionally funny moments as well.
This IS our killer, after all
If you are a fan of the old Puppet Masterfilms, you will likely be reminded of those flicks as you watch this one--unfortunately, instead of being a cool nod to the Full Moon films, this feels more like a cheap imitation of them. The Elf is one of those films that really walks a thin line between being a good scary movie and being an absolute disaster--it walks that line straight the entire time, never becoming either. The acting is rather abysmal and odd. Miller, our lead, looks like he is acting in some local avant-garde stage production, and he's probably the best actor in the film. On the flip side, there are some cool scenes, such as the Christmas lights in the yard, and some rather unexpected moments. Those, of course, are offset by horrible CGI, and the end leaves more than just a little to be desired. The Elf is ultimately a mediocre movie, but certainly not in a boring and forgetful manner as most movies I award a 5 to.
Scientist Dr. King (Jeffrey Combs, Re-Animator, Dark House) tries to save his son from cancer by turning him into a human-shark hybrid creature. Tom (William Forsythe, Halloween, Raising Arizona) and Amelia (Hunter Tylo) are the heroes trying to stop the madman and his blood-thirsty son. This movie has two things going against it right out of the boxes, and both are even worse than the plot--this is a SyFy Original, and William Forsythe is the lead AND the hero. Had I known these facts prior to starting the movie I may not have watched it, but commit to it I did, and regret doing so I do. We may think the presence of of Combs would off-set all the negativity, but he seems beyond bored with this movie, and is given little opportunity to shine. As for our shark-man, most of the time we see him it is done with super quick cuts, and we don't get a great look at him.
Here's a bad look at him
The story is as lame as you are probably thinking, and it plays out worse than you are imagining. The movie looks cheap, the acting is dreadful, the "action" scenes are lacking, and the death scenes are all a bunch of quick cuts with some blood thrown in. SyFy movies are pretty much all awful, but many are at least entertaining--Sharkman is not one of these.
