THE REDWOOD MASSACRE

The Redwood Massacre Movie Review

A group of really large trees in California are stalked and destroyed by chainsaw-wielding rednecks. It's now up to two environmentalist chicks to save the day and prevent...a redwood massacre!

"Wait...I didn't get this script"

A group of friends hike through the woods to get to a house for a party. What's so special about this house? Though details have faded into urban myth, what the youths know for sure is it was the site of grisly murders some years ago. So hiking and camping until you're exhausted so you can get to a place in the middle of the woods where people were killed? Sounds like a good idea to me! Needless to say, the killer still roams the grounds, and the youngsters are killed off one by one. I'm sure if you are reading this and have not seen the movie you are thinking it sounds like a knockoff of Friday the 13th--watching The Redwood Massacre will confirm this suspicion. Don't expect a killer who looks as iconic as Jason, however--our guy is much more generic.

The mask is kind of cool though

For the most part, the characters are interchangeable and have no story, with the exception being one guy is there with his current girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriend, who I would have considered killing before the masked maniac even appeared, is also on the trip. One of these characters also stands out for her wonderfully awful eyebrows.

The Peoples' Eyebrow!

What the movie lacks in character development it makes up for with the sheer number of victims. The story itself is as thin as the characters, so don't come here expecting anything too deep. For some, the thought of watching a Scottish movie will scare them more than the killer will--fear not friends. The accents here are not TOO Scottish, and you will be able to understand them (even you Sani). There is a ton of blood, but absolutely no consistency with it. For example, a girl is punched repeatedly by the overalls-wearing weirdo, sending buckets of blood flying, presumably from a broken nose, busted lip, and/or knocked-out teeth, but when we see the victim fighting back, there is no blood flowing anywhere. Some credit does have to be given to the makers of this movie--as you watch the credits, you see the same few names pop up multiple times, telling us practically every bit of the production and post-production was done by about the same four people--we've seen this scenario before with MUCH worse results. Still, there is nothing really special or spectacular about The Redwood Massacre--it's a pretty standard, mediocre slasher flick. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Redwood Massacre Movie Trailer

HOUSE OF WAX

House of Wax Movie Review

When Professor Henry Jarrod (horror legend Vincent Price) refuses to make his wax museum appeal to the macabre, his business partner burns the museum down, severely injuring Jarrod in the process. Partnering with a new sculptor named Igor (future action star Charles Bronson) and an assistant named Leon (Nedrick Young), Jarrod rebuilds, and this time, the wax figures are even more human than the previous ones. House of Wax is considered one of Price's finest works, is a remake of the 1933 film Mystery of the Wax Museum, and made an absolute ton of money for Warner Brothers upon its release, as well as in the years to come. It was also released in 3-D and in color, which was rare for its time--needless to say, there is a lot of stuff in here done for no other real purpose than to make those in the theatre believe something was flying toward them.

Hide the popcorn

There is a lot going on in this movie, and the pace is fantastic. Price is wonderful in this film, but that should surprise nobody. Some of the rest of the acting is a struggle, but there is nothing offensively bad here. The story itself is a very interesting one, and will certainly pull you in. Some of the visuals are stunning, from the detail of the wax figures to the shock of them melting to the horrific look of the menace killing the locals. 

A phantom of another sort

This movie would have benefitted from more likable heroes--as it is, not much effort is made to make us care a lot about them. The ending is a bit intense, but ultimately a letdown, and the final scene is a bit too absurd. Even with this, House of Wax is an enjoyable film, and it's easy to understand why it is considered a classic and is held in such high regard.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

House of Wax Movie Trailer

STAUNTON HILL

Staunton Hill Movie Review

A group of friends on their way to Washington D.C. end up stranded and staying on a farm. What they don't know, however, is the family living there has a dark secret. I saw this 2009 film for sale at a second-hand store, noticed it was directed by George A. Romero's son G. Cameron Romero, and, considering the genes of the director, decided it was worth a buck to buy it and give it a shot--I'm still considering taking the DVD back and asking for a refund. We find out immediately this film is set in 1969, but if you happen to be grabbing a quick snack or drink when that shows and you miss it, you will never guess this is set in that time. Nothing at all about this movie would indicate this is set in 1969--it feels much more like people in 2009 occasionally dropping some 1960's lingo for no apparent reason. The actors delivering these lines even seem uncomfortable with the phrases! If you are going to make a movie set in the past, at least TRY to make it look authentic! If you don't, what's the point? Just set the movie in modern times and let it go!

Does this say 1960's to you?

Our issues, however, don't end there. I mentioned the acting, but my goodness, it gets even worse from there. Not a single actor in this film is even remotely talented. The characters are all one-dimensional, and, naturally, include the cliche country folk. As bad as the acting is, much of the post-production work, especially the sound editing, which is nothing short of atrocious, is even worse. The story itself is pretty much straight up slasher, with varying degrees of satisfaction--most of what we get is rather uninspired, including one of the most predictable "twists" you will ever see. Back to the director--Romero sure doesn't have the magic touch his father had, but there is a nod to Night of the Living Dead thrown in, so there is that. My beloved readers, should you happen to come across Staunton Hill at your local Salvation Army and wonder if it's worth the dollar they are asking, rest assured--it's not.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Staunton Hill Movie Trailer

STIR OF ECHOES 2: THE HOMECOMING

Stir of Echoes 2: The Homecoming Movie Review

Ted Cogan (fellow Cincinnati Reds fan Rob Lowe, The Outsiders. Wayne's World) returns home from war and is haunted by visions of the dead. This is the 2007 SyFy Original sequel to 1999's Stir of Echoes, (which I tragically have yet to review here) and it has little in way of connection to the original film. At the start of August I went back home to Ohio to visit my Mom, and she insisted on watching this one, thus continuing what seems to be our tradition of seeing each other once a year and watching a Rob Lowe horror flick each time (this tradition started last year when I visited and we watched another made for television film starring the former greaser). Speaking of my Mom and Stir Of Echoes--one reason I have not watched the original film in so long is because a number of years ago my Mom, thinking my girlfriend had already seen the movie, talked about the ending of Stir of Echoes and spoiled it for her--she now sees no point in watching the movie.

"If you don't get on with the review already..."

Anyway, having not seen The Homecoming for years, I agreed to watch it with Mom and Sani, assuring my girlfriend she did not have to have seen the original film to understand what is happening in this one. Much like I believed the first time I saw it, the film really is better than it generally gets credit for being. Yes, the movie does start off rough, with very questionable special effects, but bearing in mind this is a SyFy Original, this is to be expected, and frankly, it's not nearly as bad as what we usually get from these films. Lowe is a believable and likable hero, but the remainder of the cast does leave a bit to be desired. There are some genuinely creepy moments in the movie, and a bit more gore than I expected. The film moves at a decent pace, and delivers a pretty unexpected twist near the end. The final sequence is also a memorable one. Is The Homecoming as good as the original Stir of Echoes? No. However, I do find this one to be much better than most believe it to be.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Stir of Echoes 2: The Homecoming Movie Trailer

HE’S OUT THERE

He's Out There Movie Review

Laura (Yvonne Strahovski, Dexter) and her two children (Anna and Abigail Pniowsky) go to a lake house for a little visit. While waiting for the family father to join them, they are stalked by a masked, axe-wielding maniac. Part of this movie is figuring out who the killer is. It could be Laura's husband, Shawn (Justin Bruening), who seems in no hurry at all to get to his family. It could be Owen (Julian Bailey), a local fella and possible creeper who meets the woman and her kids at the house and tells them the story of John, a boy who went missing while living in Laura's house, and who has never been found. This, of course, opens the possibility it is John himself doing the killing. So who is our killer?

"Don't axe me"

This 2018 thriller is low on the body count--this comes as no surprise, as the characters I mentioned above are really about all we get here, and we know two little girls aren't going to get killed. That said, the death scenes are rather grisly, so that will keep your attention. There are some moments that will have you glued to the screen, and others that will make you gasp--unfortunately, these brief moments of terror are far outweighed by practically nothing at all happening. Worse than this, however, is when some otherwise potentially tense scenes are ruined by the horrible acting of Anna Pniowsky, the older of the sisters. Pniowsky's incessant whining during these scenes takes you completely out of the moment, and may even leave you wishing her mom will just leave her behind--she doesn't, of course, but she does leave the presumed-dead killer behind, only to discover, ala Jason, that he is suddenly not where he was left to die, teasing a potential sequel. He's Out There isn't a movie you will regret watching--it's also one that, in a year, you won't remember having watched.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

He's Out There Movie Trailer 

BAD APPLES

Bad Apples Movie Review

Two girls terrorize a neighborhood on Halloween night--the people they are seeking out are those who do not celebrate this sacred holiday...they must be fans of Sam. The primary focus in the movie is a young couple who just moved in, and we know their new house will inevitably be the location for the final battle. This low budget film from 2018 is brought to us by Bryan Coyne, who acts as the writer, director, and producer--as is always the case when a one-man-band puts together a movie, there is practically no budget, but don't be scared off by that. Coyne takes a very traditional approach to this film--this certainly isn't a ten-cent CGI mess. The girls are creepy, even if their masks remind me of a bit more sinister version of those from Sugar & Spice.

"How do you even know that movie?"

While the girls do look spooky, the slow moving of the head is WAY overdone. Seeing this the first time or two was cool, but it becomes predictable and less scary each time they do it. There is little tension built for most of the scenes--it's more the girls show up, kill, tilt their heads, and move on. This repeated recipe only varies when we make it to the finale. The cast isn't terrible, which is kind of surprising considering the budget--you'll probably even recognize one actor, Richard Riehle, a man who has almost 400 credits to his name. Some credit must also be given to Coyne for writing the two lead characters so well--you could almost believe Brea Grant (Halloween II) and Graham Skipper (Carnage Park) really ARE a couple. After some intense moments, and a rather silly/disturbing visual from the final fight, we get a scene that ties the opening sequence to the rest of the film, and makes us wonder if we really have seen the end of this story. Bad Apples is a nice little cheap horror flick that is probably a bit better than it should have been.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Bad Apples Movie Trailer