GARGOYLES

Gargoyles Movie Review

Dr. Mercer Boley (Cornel Wilde) and his daughter, Diana (Jennifer Salt), come across the skeleton of a winged creature. They're convinced it's a hoax, until very much alive monsters begin coming for the skeleton's skull. Of course, the beasts in question are gargoyles--if the title of the movie didn't give this away, then certainly the opening, featuring gargoyle statues, would have. Gargoyles is a 1972 made-for-television movie, something that was a network staple back in the day, but that died over time. CBS presented this one as part of its The New CBS Tuesday Night Movies series.

Groovy

As a kid, I was fascinated by gargoyles. I thought they looked really cool, and I loved seeing their statues on buildings. Naturally, I enjoyed this movie as well. As I grew, I still loved gargoyles--I even had a small, rubber gargoyle for years, playing with it when I was a child and placing it in my car as a decoration when I got older. Unfortunately, I lost that, lots of other fun stuff, and my cherished Max Headroom skateboard when my car was stolen (thanks, Fort Wayne, Indiana). Now, as an old dude, I still think gargoyles look awesome, and I revisited this movie for the first time in years. 

"Don't make me wait this long again"

Being a television movie, we can immediately throw out any profanity, nudity, gore, or anything else that could warrant an R rating. We also know the budget will be limited, so not a ton will be spent on sets, special effects, and so on. Even with this, the gargoyles themselves still look rather scary--in fact, I would argue they are scarier than most creatures we see in big budget films of the time, or even since. 

No CGI here!

The acting is rough, and Wilde doesn't make for much of a hero. The actor and character are dull, and with the added humans providing no more reason to really care about any of them, I found myself cheering for the gargoyles. Most unfortunately, when there is action of any kind, it takes place in slow motion--this, as my loyal readers know, is a major pet peeve of mine. Bernie Casey, the actor who plays the leader of the gargoyles--credited simply as "The Gargoyle"--has his voice dubbed by somebody else, so that is kind of distracting as well. Oh, and you will likely recognize the man in the rubber gargoyle suit as...

U.N. Jefferson!

These things aside, there is plenty to like about this movie--the desert setting and locations are fantastic, there are some creepy scenes, and, of course, the gargoyles are the star attraction. As with many things, this movie probably lives better in memory than in reality--still, Gargoyles is a fun watch, and I'm happy I saw it again. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

TRICK OR TREATS

 

Trick or Treats Movie Review

Several years after being admitted to an insane asylum, Malcolm O'Keefe (Peter Jason) escapes, vowing revenge on his ex-wife, Joan (Carrie Snodgrass), for having him committed. What he doesn't know, however, is that Joan is out on the town, and the house is occupied by Linda (Jackelyn Giroux), who is babysitting Christopher (Chris Graver), a brat of a child who continuously pulls tricks on her and reminds me why I never wanted kids. He's irritating, but is he the most annoying child in horror history?

Nope

Dubbed a slasher, this flick has very little actually happening. We see the kid tricking Linda repeatedly (how she kept falling for his nonsense is anybody's guess) and Malcolm escaping the asylum in drag--there's a repeated gag about guys mistaking him for a woman--it's not funny the first time...or any time after that. In fact, the film attempts comedy several times, and never quite hits. One could argue it borders on being a parody of the horror genre--the best example of this is when two women are editing a horror movie, providing the most entertaining and interesting part of Trick or Treats. After what seems an eternity, Malcolm arrives at the home, and we have our first death scene--70 minutes into the film. From there, it's Linda trying to avoid Malcolm, until the killer meets his fate in a most ridiculous manner. 

Watch your step

The acting is bad, but honestly, they didn't have a lot to work with. David Carradine (Q: The Winged Serpent), who I'm convinced would take on any role to make a buck, shows up long enough to establish Joan has remarried...and to sexually harass the babysitter. The story was dull and made little sense--the fact that Malcolm has no contact with Joan after his escape is mindboggling. The final 20 minutes bring the movie up somewhat, but practically everything that happens before it (save for the editing scene) is a test of patience. If nothing else, Trick or Treats proves that not all 1980s horror is awesome.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

 

Trick or Treats Movie Trailer

DEATH SPA

Death Spa Movie Review

Sometime after his wife commits suicide, Michael Evans (William Bumiller) sees his hip spa become the scene of grisly accidents. Could the ghost of his dead wife be haunting the club? Why is she appearing in his dreams? Were they truly accidents? If you've seen this 1988 low-budget film, you know the answers...actually, even if you haven't see it, you still likely know the answers to the questions surrounding Death Spa or,

How Starbody Health Spa

Became

Death Spa

With such a premise, we know we're getting a rather ridiculous movie. The special effects are hilariously bad, and you could probably accurately guess the year this movie was made as well, as this flick has that odd combination of 1980s and 1990s horror films that really only movies that came out in 1988 or 1989 can claim. They sure loved this whole cutting edge computers thing back in the day, and they tease that perhaps a master hacker is behind everything, via computer operated exercise machines. There's actually some recognizable faces here too, led by horror icon Ken Foree. Merritt Butrick of Fright Night 2 fame pops up in what is his final movie appearance--on the flip side, Karyn Parsons, known worldwide as Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and more locally (at least in 1993) as the star of my friend's dreams, makes her film debut.

For you, Jeff

Walking out of this one, more than remembering the movie as a whole, you will likely only recall its parts. Such scenes include a machine designed to work out the shoulders tearing the ribs from a man's body; a woman bleeding to death after an unplugged blender eats her hand; the shower scene from Porky's if the girls had been attacked by hot water, flying tiles, and broken glass; and, probably most memorably, a man being attacked by a reanimated fish.

Fish heads, fish heads

There's a lot to sit through to get to it, but the final act is absolute madness--there's hilarity, chaos, deaths, and cheesy effects to take you to the finish line. It's just a shame the rest of the movie wasn't quite as interesting. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Death Spa Movie Trailer

A QUIET PLACE PART II

A Quiet Place Part II Movie Review

A little over a year after the events of the first movie, Evelyn (Emily Blunt, The Wolfman) and her three children are trying to find a place to live and survive. They come across Emmett (Cillian Murphy, 28 Days Later), a family friend from when things were normal, but in a world where it's seemingly every person for themselves, can he be trusted? 

Would you trust him?

The 2021 sequel follows a similar pattern as the original--the monsters are taking over the planet, and the only way to survive them is to be quiet. They do have a bit more knowledge of the creatures, however, and are more capable of fighting them off now. The movie is largely familiar territory--we even get a look at the moment the beasts begin their attack, and this prequel look is the best part of the movie. The rest plays out with enough actual story and action to be an episode of The Twilight Zone, only dragged out to hit the magical 90 minute mark (or 97 minutes, to be exact). The entire movie unfolds almost exactly as you would expect it to, with little mystery or surprise. The acting is fair, but it's the settings that kind of steal the show, as we see our characters go from small town, to the woods, to an abandoned building, and to their final destinations, which I will not spoil here. The ending is as abrupt as it is unsatisfying. A Quiet Place probably didn't need a sequel, but alas, a sequel we got, and as is the case with most, it's a step down from the original. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

A Quiet Place Part II Movie Trailer

THE BLACK PHONE

The Black Phone Movie Review

Living in a town terrorized by a possible child killer, Finney (Mason Thames), a young boy frequently picked on at school, is kidnapped and placed in a basement. His only connection to the outside world is a disconnected...yes...black phone. The man who took Finney, known simply as The Grabber (Ethan Hawke, Sinister), suggests the phone doesn't work, but Finney soon finds himself receiving mysterious calls on it. This 2021 film was released with a fair amount of attention and adoration. The thriller did well at the box office, earned many rave reviews, and was the talk of the town in the horror community for a bit. It came to Peacock soon after, and that's where I decided to check it out--while not a bad movie, I'm thankful I decided to bypass paying to see it at the theater.

Depp-Wonka's evil younger brother?

Set in 1978, the movie does bring the nostalgia--this carries the viewer for much of the first act, as most of the rest of this time is spent meeting uninteresting characters. Naturally, once Finney is taken, things pick up, and the movie begins to take turns you may not expect. Without giving away too much, I'll say I had no idea the movie would cross over into a horror genre that is not slasher, and the results are mixed. Hawke is as good as you would expect, even if he toys with going a bit too Nicolas Cage. The child actors, on the other hand, are a struggle. Thames is okay in the lead role, but most of the rest of the children--especially Madeleine McGraw as his sister, Gwen--leave a lot to be desired. The acting is so bad at times it almost takes you entirely out of the movie. There is some suspense for sure, even if we know how the movie will end. The gore is left to a minimal, though one scene in particular is jarring in its brutality. Oh yeah, there's that cool mask too.

"Thank you so much for remembering!"

The Black Phone is a decent horror flick--it may not be as good as you've heard, but it is one worth checking out--if nothing else, it has a somewhat original story, and is not a sequel, reboot, or remake. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Black Phone Movie Trailer

HORROR OF DRACULA

 

Horror of Dracula Movie Review

After his buddy Harker (John Van Eyssen) is unsuccessful at killing Count Dracula (Christopher Lee), Dr. Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) sets out to take on the monster himself. Coming out in 1958, this was the first time Lee played Dracula and Cushing played Van Helsing--as a result of the box office success and critical acclaim it would receive, Hammer, the company behind the movie, would bring both actors back as their respective characters many times in the years to come. As this movie shows, it is a fine formula, with both actors doing outstanding jobs here. Dracula purists may be turned off somewhat, as the movie, while clearly based on the novel, does take many liberties in steering away from it--interestingly, a lot of this was done for budgetary purposes, as the company did not invest enough money into the making of the film to afford a lot of special effects. The special effects we do have are, well...

I'll let you decide

The pace of the movie is decent, but does tend to slow at times. As for the stars, Lee has under ten minutes of screen time, and Cushing doesn't show up until about a third of the way through the film--thankfully, the supporting cast is strong enough to carry the rest. This movie is also credited for transforming the character of Dracula--and vampires in general--to more sexy beings--take from that what you will. The movie is shot wonderfully, and is certainly one of my favorite Hammer offerings. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Horror of Dracula Movie Trailer

SHE FREAK

She Freak Movie Review

Tired of her job as a server, Jade (Claire Brennen) sets out to join the carnival. Once there, she takes on the exciting life of... a server. She also finds that she's not exactly welcome by some, namely the "freaks". If that sounds a little familiar, just wait. This 1967 movie starts off with promise, as we have some nice shots of a carnival. 

Hurry, hurry, step right up!

There's also a lot of footage of carnies setting up and tearing down--honestly, it looked like it could have been a documentary on the life of a carny in the 1960's. I watched this on Tubi, and it was not remastered--it was straight from film, with the missing frames, scratches, cigarette burns, et cetera, in tact--I am a huge fan of watching movies in this presentation. Sadly, that's where the positives for this film end. The acting in this movie is just awful. The story truly goes nowhere at all. Aside from seeing the carnival and carny shots, we get nothing but brief encounters between Jade and the rest of the cast. The movie appears to have no idea what it wants to be, so it decides to just try out different things. It's a horror movie with no horror. It's a nudie-cutie with no nudity. It's a documentary with no narration. It's a movie that just keeps going, and seems twice as long as it actually is. Jade seemingly does a complete turn in character near the end, and it's not until the final two minutes of the movie that we get any bit of horror...and that is nothing but an absolute theft of the ending of the 1932 classic Freaks. Being a sucker for such things, I have to give the movie a couple stars for the carnival setting and presentation--if not for these elements, She Freak would go down as one of the worst movies I've ever watched. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

She Freak Movie Trailer