MIDSOMMAR

Midsommar Movie Review

A few Americans travel to Sweden to study a summertime ritual at a hippieesque commune. What they find there is a series of strange events, hallucinogenic drugs, and...well, nothing else really. This 2019 film starts off just fine--Dani's (Florence Pugh) sister kills herself and her parents. Dani turns to her boyfriend Christian (Jack Reynor) for support, but once they and a couple other friends make it to Sweden, the entire movie goes sideways. They arrive to a field full of people in all white--I personally would have turned the car around and headed back the opposite direction at this point, but these folks decided to join the Swedish meatballs in a shrooms-filled afternoon of doing nothing before arriving at the village, where everybody sings, dances, has supper all together, largely share one large room for sleeping, and perform various odd rituals, including a couple of old people launching themselves off a cliff.

"How sad..how are my flowers?"

Still, our Americans decide to stick it out, and are killed off one by one. This movie is quite unusual, but not in any good, or even interesting, way at all. It's a lot like both versions of The Wicker Man, but not as entertaining as either. The directing  and editing of the film are so pompous they're laughable--picture the annoying jock in high school trying to impress a girl by doing push-ups. From the upside down camera shot to the character going from one setting to the next without moving, you are rolling your eyes before even getting a fourth of the way into this journey. Speaking of time, the director's cut of this movie comes in at a staggering and obscenely arrogant 172 minutes, with a total of maybe...MAYBE...ten minutes of anything of any interest at all actually happening...this interest is limited to gore. The final half hour is brutally awful--my girlfriend suggested just turning the movie off, but I argued we made it this far into it, so we may as well see how it ends...I should have gone with her idea. We got this movie from Redbox, using a rent one, get one free promo. I deemed this one the free movie, and still feel ripped off.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Midsommar Movie Trailer

MANIAC

Maniac Movie Review

Serial killer Frank Zito (Joe Spinell, who also wrote the story) terrorizes New York City, murdering women and scalping them, adding his prizes to the heads of mannequins he has strewn about his apartment. Coming out in a time when slasher films were all the rage (1980 for this one), Maniac took the blood and guts and turned it up to eleven. Over forty years after it's release, the extreme gore is still what this movie is most remembered for, and indeed, it is quite memorable--from the scalpings to the exploding head, images will be burnt into your memory, thanks to special effects master Tom Savini.

Heads up Tom

There is an added layer to this movie, however, that we didn't often see in the 70's and 80's slasher flicks. There is an interesting character study with our killer, as we find that Frank had some serious mom issues and, more interesting, he struggles with incredible guilt after killing his victims. It is these elements that make Maniac stand out from most of the pack. The gritty New York City in 1980 setting adds a lot to this film--you can almost smell the surroundings, especially during the subway chase scene, which is incredibly chilling. Spinell makes a decent lead--he certainly has the look that works here, and his acting was enough to make the character convincing. The acting across the rest of the movie is a bit shakier, but there is nothing offensively bad. The ending is a letdown, as we get a series of events that are both incredibly unbelievable and cheesy. Even with this, Maniac is a horror movie that has to be considered a must-see for fans of the slasher sub-genre.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Maniac Movie Trailer

THE COLD (aka The Game)

The Cold (The Game) Movie Review

Millionaires bored with life host a game--they bring in 9 common folk and offer a million dollars to the one who can conquer their greatest fears and last all night in a mansion. A ripoff of House on Haunted Hill? Without question. As good as the Vincent Price classic? Not even close. This very low budget 1984 film lacks originality in the story, sure. It's also a very poor film in almost every way imaginable. The acting is atrocious...that may not even be a strong enough word for it. The directing is laughable. The lighting appears as though a single bulb was used at times, and as if they completely forgot the lighting at other times. Mistakes and errors are around every corner--when the naked woman in the sauna scene takes place, look not at the woman, but at the sauna door--here, you will see a very clear reflection of a man holding a microphone, with the cable running down his arm.

Look above his head, and behind hers

Possibly even worse than all this is the story and the action. Little hints of what may be going on are thrown in here and there, and when you think you have it pegged, something that makes no sense to the story at all will happen, throwing you off the trail. This happens repeatedly throughout the movie, and you may wonder out loud what, in fact, is happening--let me save you a lot of time and recommend you don't even try. The narrator of the story even confesses to having no idea what happened in the movie. Instead of getting hung up on this, enjoy The Cold for all the glorious awfulness it offers, as it's so bad it's...not good, but certainly entertaining.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

MALATESTA’S CARNIVAL OF BLOOD

Malatesta's Carnival of Blood Movie Review

The Norris family, in search of their missing son and brother, come across a strange carnival. They decide to stick around, convinced they will find their missing family member, but instead find the carnival houses a vampire and many cannibals. Before we get to the story we see in this movie, let's talk about a much more interesting (and coherent) story. When this movie was released in 1973, the audience despised it so much the filmmakers ordered all copies destroyed. It was thought to have been gone forever until, in the early 2000's, a copy was found and the movie made it to DVD.

Now we all get to enjoy the ride...except him

The story in the actual movie is far less...actually, let me stop there. There really isn't a story in this movie except for the general premise I laid out above. What we see unfold is, to be nice, unconventional. Instead of being presented as introduction-conflict-suspense-conclusion, we get a series of scenes with seemingly no flow, making the film feel more like an extensive dream sequence than a traditional movie. The psychedelic use of colors and the music only enhances the dreaminess of the flick.

Groovy

Unfortunately, the acting and particularly the makeup bring this movie down considerably. Naturally, most of the actors are unknowns, but a keen eye will spot Burt Young from the Rocky films and if your Grandmother watched Fantasy Island when you were very young, you may recognize midget Hervé Villechaize as Bobo. The blood is so bright red it's almost neon--while I usually hate this in movies (this was used a lot in the 1960's and 1970's), it is oddly fitting in this one. The shots of the dilapidated amusement park are nice and may make you yearn for a simpler time. The entire film is truly a surreal experience--your enjoyment of this movie will depend on variables such as your openness to such non-traditional films, your mindset when watching, and the time of day--this movie will connect with you a lot more at 2:00 AM than it will at 2:00 PM.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

I couldn't find a trailer for it, but, at least as of right now, you can check it out on Tubi here: https://tubitv.com/movies/505006/malatestas_carnival_of_blood

CHEMICAL PEEL

Chemical Peel Movie Review

A chemical spill forces a group of women to be trapped in a house, but what happens when the outbreak enters their domicile? That's what we have going on in this 2014 low budget, gross-out indie flick. The premise of this movie is quite good, and I was certainly sold on it. The delivery, however, is lacking, and it starts with the character development...or lack thereof. Two of them are sisters, and they don't like each other--this stems from one of them accidentally killing their younger sister in a car accident. That is really as much as is put into any of the characters, and honestly, you won't care about this story, though it does play into the ending a bit. Truly, the only appeal with this movie comes with what happens to the characters when they come in contact with the contaminated air--to say it's messy is an understatement.

This is a mild example

As somebody who didn't know any better, when I saw the title, I assumed Chemical Peel was a play on words--there's a chemical spill leading to skin peeling off the victims. Little did I know, there is such thing as a chemical peel. According to the fearmongers at WebMD, "Chemical peels can improve the skin's appearance. In this treatment, a chemical solution is applied to the skin, which makes it "blister" and eventually peel off. The new skin is usually smoother and less wrinkled than the old skin." So it's kind of like a snake shedding its skin, or like when I was a kid and would put Elmer's Glue on my hand, wait for it to dry, then peel it off, imagining it was my skin--I got bored at school easily. Anyway, this movie is nothing special and not worth hunting down.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Chemical Peel Red Band Movie Trailer

CRAWL

Crawl Movie Review

Haley Keller (Kaya Scodelario, The Maze Runner) ignores Category 5 hurricane warnings and rushes to save her father Dave (Barry Pepper, 61). Once she arrives at his house, Haley finds her dad trapped in his basement, with mammoth alligators all around. The rest of the movie follows Haley and Dave as they not only battle the reptilian danger, but also rising waters that alternately appear muddy and clear, depending on the scene. I wanted to catch this one when it hit theatres in 2019, but I never got around to it--when my girlfriend found it in Redbox months later, we knew we had to give it a shot, and I'm really happy we did! This movie delivers exactly what you want from such a film--giant creature awesomeness, lots of destruction, some unexpected gore, and a ride that starts almost immediately and lasts until the very end.

This is just the beginning!

There is plenty of suspense, and many scenes that are so unexpected you will audibly gasp. The acting is...strange. Scodelario is what you expect, but Pepper's performance is off, but in a way that matches the ode to creature features past nicely. I would have liked to have seen practical effects used instead of CGI, as that would have really driven home the homage to the 1950's films this is surely inspired by, but I have to accept the fact that movie makers with the budgets to do so will skip the cheaper approaches (the budget for this, by the way, was thirteen and a half million, and was produced, in part, by Sam Raimi). Even with the CGI, Crawl is a really wild, fun movie to watch (complete with fantastic closing credits music), and be sure to mind the real message delivered here--don't move to Florida!

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Crawl Movie Trailer

SIREN

Siren Movie Review

Four guys out for a bachelor party end up in a mysterious house; here, they help a woman held against her will escape--what they don't realize is the woman isn't quite human. A spin-off of the first (and best) segment from the anthology film V/H/S, this movie basically expands on the story of succubus Lily (Hannah Fierman), as she finds another guy to obsess over.

"I like you"

I was excited when I heard this 2016 film was being made, but for whatever reason, seemed to just miss it when I would go to watch it. When I stumbled across it while scrolling through the wasteland that is horror films on Netflix, I couldn't wait to see what they did with this character, by far the most interesting of any of the V/H/S films. Unfortunately, save for the opening sequence, we spend a lot of this movie waiting for Lily to make an appearance. In the meantime, we have the four guys--surprisingly, they managed to make two of them likable, while one is obnoxious enough to make you want to kill him yourself, and the fourth guy is just there to fill up the car. The mystery house actually has a couple other creatures, which is interesting, but the CGI with them, and Lily, for that matter, is a struggle. The more we find out about the owner of the "club" that is housed where Lily is captured, the more we roll our eyes--to say a large bit of this is borrowed from Hostel is being kind. Another issue I had with the Lily character is how compassionate she was made--did we forget at some point she is a demon?! She is made into a hero of sorts in the end, and while her destructive rampage was awesome, her sympathetic side after said destruction is baffling, and the final scene somehow manages to simultaneously fix this issue and make it worse. As a side note, if you have seen V/H/S and are wondering if this movie is a found footage one, it's not. In spite of all my complaints, Siren really is not a bad horror film. It brings some scares, bloodshed, decent characters, and an interesting story--it just doesn't live up to its potential. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Siren Movie Trailer