THE FUNHOUSE

The Funhouse Movie Review

After witnessing a murder at a carnival, a group of teenagers find themselves being hunted down by the deformed killer and his deranged father. Tobe Hooper of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre directed this 1981 slasher film that is probably best remembered for the visual of the killer once he unmasks.

A face only a mutha could love

If you read my review of the 2018 Halloween Horror Nights, you know I am a sucker for anything carnival related, and this movie is no exception. It does take a while to get going, as we get to know the lead, Amy (Elizabeth Berridge), and the three youngsters she goes to the carnival with. We see rides, freak shows, and other cool stuff, we see the teens doing teen stuff, then finally get to the killings. Most of the death scenes are fairly tame and the body count is low, but there are certainly some interesting visuals involved. The real strong points of this movie are the suspenseful elements,, the directing, and the cinematography, all of which are excellent. The opening scene, paying homage to Psycho and Halloween, is also memorable. The acting is pretty bad throughout this movie, but that adds the 1980s horror appeal, so all is well with that. While not necessarily considered a classic, The Funhouse is a nice horror piece, and if you are a fan of 1980s horror, is a must-see.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

The Funhouse Movie Trailer

IT'S OCTOBER 13 JOSH! POST SOMETHING ALREADY!

Hello loyal readers. I know you likely expected me to have written more reviews by this point in the month--it IS October, the horror movie month, after all, and here it is the 13th day and this is my first entry of our favorite time of the year, so I feel an explanation is in order. My girlfriend and I left for a vacation to England and France (and briefly Norway) at the start of the month and just returned two days ago...oh yeah, and we both returned very sick...thanks Europe. So while not in the states, I had no time to watch movies, much less review them--we don't believe in relaxation during vacation, so we were sightseeing the entire time...and my goodness, did we ever see a lot!

While on the subject of sightseeing, I will not go through everything we saw, but will mention the things that I could tie into the theme of this site: Stonehenge was incredible (and freezing cold).

And this picture made it onto Svengoolie's photo gallery!

Seeing Jim Morrison's grave and the cemetery he's buried in, Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris, was really cool and creepy. As a lifelong fan of The Doors, seeing Morrison's grave is something I had wanted to do for many, many years. Aside from Morrison, there are dozens of other famous people buried in the cemetery, which is absolutely huge. If you are a fan of cemeteries and enjoy checking out the cool headstones and tombs, Pere Lachaise Cemetery is a place you could spend all day at.

Mr. Mojo Resting

Keeping with my reviews of haunted houses this year (see Halloween Horror Nights 2018 and Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party 2018), Le Manoir de Paris has Halloween: Toxic, a thirty minute walk through haunted house that is, at times, absolutely terrifying. The monsters can, and often do, touch you, much of the house is pitch black, and, best of all, you are sent through the house in small groups (there were five of us), making every scare one you do not see coming a mile away--I'm looking at you, Universal. The story is of a toxic outbreak, turning humans into mutated monsters. There is a ton of personal interaction with the characters, and they all speak English as well as French, which is great. If you speak English but not French, simply tell one of the people at the start of the house, and you will be given a glow stick, alerting the characters to perform in English. The makeup jobs throughout the house are extraordinary, and many of the scenes and special effects are genuinely frightening. So should you find yourself in Paris, check this experience out--it will cost about 30 Euros, but is worth every bit of it. You can find more information on this at their site here.

The building even looks cool on the outside

So there you have it, the reasons it has taken me so long into October to write a review. Thanks for reading, and with that out of the way, I think I'll review something now!

THE HILLS HAVE EYES

The Hills Have Eyes Movie Review

When their vehicles have some issues, a family out on a road trip is terrorized by a group of cannibals in the middle of the desert. This 1977 Wes Craven film seemed almost lost over the years, and chances are, in the last 12 years, you've probably come across the 2006 remake more often than the original film. It's easy to understand why--unlike the remake, this movie was never meant for mass consumption--it is so gritty it actually stands out in a decade filled with gritty films, and was right at home in seedy side of town grindhouses and drive in movie theatres.

And a lot of the audience probably looked like this

The violence is fairly unrelenting in this movie, which is one of the things that will keep you going, even if the acting makes you want to turn it off. The character development is severly lacking--Craven does little to make you care about the victims, and in fact makes one or two so unlikable (especially Bob), you actually cheer when they meet their demise. The cannibal killers are a whole different story--Craven did a wonderful job with this group, making them despicable, disgusting, and easy to hate--everything a villain of this type should be, although I must admit, it's hard to hate Michael Berryman because, well, he's Michael Berryman.

"I told you no smoking!"

If you are familiar with the remake and not the original, one stark contrast is in the villains--in the remake they are much more mutated; in the original, they are more like derange inbred hillbillies in the desert--desertbillies? A whole lot of this movie is scene for scene similar to the remake, with less happening between the chaos and bloodshed. The shots are also very...interesting. I know The Hills Have Eyes is considered a classic, and I really wanted to like it more than I did--I respect how influential the film is, and completely understand why, but as a viewer, I found it too slow, too clunky, and the acting far too unbearable to love it.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Hills Have Eyes Movie Trailer

POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE (aka POLTERGEIST 2)

Poltergeist II: The Other Side Movie Review

One year after the events of the original film, the Freeling family believe they are in the clear, but discover otherwise when a mysterious Native American named Taylor (Will Sampson, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest) warns the danger is still very real. Let's address the elephant in the room right off the bat--Dominique Dunne, who played Dana, the eldest daughter in the original film, was murdered by her boyfriend shortly after the release of Poltergeist, and her character is not mentioned at all in this film. I personally would have liked to have at least seen her absence explained (her being in college was in the original script but was scrapped), but, for whatever reason, she's just forgotten. Other than her, the rest of the original Freelings are here, and we also get the return of Zelda Rubenstein as psychic oddball Tangina.

She knew I was going to use this picture

Speaking of oddballs, this movie is loaded with them, which only adds to the fun of it--Craig T. Nelson is awesome in his hilarious, spastic performance, Sampson steals the show as Taylor, and Julian Back is creepy as Reverend Henry Kane.

And honest man?

This movie manages to maintain a fun balance of horror, splashes of comedy, and a whole lot of bizarre, from the strange characters to the use of actual skeletons in the shots to everything that happens on the "Other Side".

It looks like this

Poltergeist II: The Other Side is not nearly as scary as the original film, and probably is not as good, but it certainly is a ton of fun to watch--it is loaded with that off the wall element you expect from 80s supernatural movies (and I haven't even mentioned what happens after Steven eats the worm), and that can never be a bad thing. As with Stigmata, I watched this one while visiting my Mom in Ohio, and we had a blast watching it together for the first time in decades. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Poltergeist II: The Other Side Movie Trailer

MEDUSA AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (aka Perseus Against The Monsters)

Medusa Against The Son Of Hercules Movie Review

Perseo (Richard Harrison) does battle with Medusa, some soldiers, and a dragon, while trying to win over Andromeda (Anna Ranalli). This Italian film from 1963 is one of many similar movies from that era known as "sword-and-sandal" films, and most of them are fairly awful, with this being no exception. We start with a theme song that mentions the sons of Hercules--we don't get any plural form in the movie. This was actually part of a series of movies, all very similar, that kind of, sort of tied together. The acting is awful, the dubbing dreadful. The battle scenes are a bore and seem to last an eternity, with little of note actually happening. The story, and movie, plod along at a snails pace, and by the time you are finished watching it, you will swear you just lost six hours of your life (it's actually only 95 minutes). There are exactly two savings graces in this movie: the aforementioned Medusa and dragon.

Not this Madusa

Or this Dragon

We know Medusa as the Greek monster with the face of a woman and living snakes for hair, but what we get here isn't quite...that.

It's this

Yes, the dreaded Medusa looks more like a walking tree with wild, flailing branches than the monster we expect. Is this bad? Not really...actually, yes, completely, but in a most awesome way. Our dragon is just as lovable.

Don't you just want to give him a hug?

I will always love the old, practical way of making movie monsters, and sometimes the worst looking ones are my favorites--these guys fit into that category of enjoyment--CGI will never touch this level of magic. I recommend watching this movie only if you can fast forward through every scene that does not include Medusa or the dragon...unless you're having difficulty sleeping--in that case, it's a must-see.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

I couldn't find the trailer, but enjoy the Svengoolie opening for Medusa Against The Son of Hercules

GODZILLA VS DESTOROYAH

Godzilla vs Destoroyah Movie Review

Godzilla, on the verge of a nuclear meltdown, destroys Hong Kong and battles Destoroyah (pronounced "Destroyer", but spelled in this unusual way due to copyright deals), a menacing foe that can take the shape of several smaller creatures. Largely considered one of the best movies of the franchise, this 1996 outing pays tribute to the original film, while also bringing new elements to the table. As a result of his condition, Godzilla himself looks very different in this movie.

He looks pretty hot

Godzilla is also joined by his son here, but mercifully, it's not the one from Godzilla's Revenge, a film we'd all like to forget. The events that unfold near the end of the movie provide us a look at Godzilla's emotional side we had not seen before, which is...interesting. The acting and story are actually pretty good in the movie--we don't watch Godzilla movies for these reasons, but having them as an added bonus is nice. This brings us to why we do watch Godzilla films--the battles--and you will not be disappointed by that here. 

Did I mention Godzilla is outsized?

Tons of action leads us to an ending that is a bit underwhelming, but considering that at the time this film came out, the future of Godzilla appeared to be in Hollywood's hands, it kind of makes sense. If you are a fan of the classic Godzilla films but hate the "newer" movies, give this one a shot; it very much has the feel of the ones we all love.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Godzilla vs Destoroyah Japanese Teaser Trailer

MR. SARDONICUS

Mr. Sardonicus Movie Review

After attempting to rob the grave of his father, Baron Sardonicus (Guy Rolfe, who you will know as Toulon from the Puppet Master films) is cursed with a hideous, permanent smile on his face. This 1961 horror flick comes to us from legendary gimmick master William Castle (House on Haunted Hill, The Night Walker), so we know we're in store for something...different, and this film doesn't disappoint. We get a bit of an introduction from Castle in the beginning, and the real gimmicky stuff comes in at the end...but more on that in a moment. Back to the story--Sardonicus, who wears a mask to hide his condition, seeks out the assistance of physician Robert Cargrave (Ronald Lewis) to cure him.

Can his face really look worse than this mask?

This films moves at a surprisingly quick pace, and includes some rather intense scenes--if you're scared of leeches, and lets face it, who isn't, you may want to fast forward through some parts. A fair bit of tension leads us to the inevitable reveal, and it doesn't disappoint!

Let's take a smile off that face!

...

The movie has a decent little twist after the encounter between Sardonicus and Cargrave, and an even better one in the final scene. So remember when I said Castle was the master of gimmicks? After the reveal and fallout of it, Castle joins us once more and asks the audience, via a thumbs up or thumbs down card, if they want to see Sardonicus punished, or if they want to have mercy on him. After pausing for the vote, Castle declares the audience has voted to punish the villain, and we see the result of that...while it doesn't hold up on home video for obvious reasons, this gimmick must have been a really cool experience for people actually in the theater when this came out. Mr. Sardonicus is a fun movie with a few thrills, and was much better than I expected it to be.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Mr. Sardonicus Movie Trailer (With a special introduction from William Castle)