Because nobody likes spending an hour reading a movie review, I bring you Quick Horror Movie Reviews, a site offering to the point reviews of horror films from a guy who has seen thousands of them. From the classics to the hidden gems, the slashers to the creatures, the multi-million dollar blockbusters to the direct to video awfulness, it's all here! Read, enjoy, and for the best experience, go old school and view the desktop version!
This 2011 film tells the story of a group of kids in 1979 who witness, and record, a train accident while filming a movie with a Super 8 camera.
Here they are now..
People start to realize that something is not quite right about this incident, and begin to wonder if it's an accident at all. The truth turns out to be quite different from anybody expected. This is a fun film that packs action, comedy, drama, and suspense. The acting is pretty good, especially considering the majority of the main actors are children. The real appeal, however, is the action and storytelling. Director J.J. Abrams does a fantastic job telling the story in a retro-Steven Spielberg sort of way--it's no coincidence that Spielberg is a producer on this one. I think teens and adults alike will enjoy this film, which its rated PG-13.
London policeman officer Nick Angel (Simon Pegg) is so good at what he does that he is making the rest of the force look bad, so they have him transferred to a small country town; there, he joins an incompetent force, including his new partner Danny (Nick Frost), the police chief’s bumbling son. This is the second in the “Blood and Ice Cream” trilogy to feature Pegg, Frost, and director Edgar Wright, the first being Shaun Of The Dead.
A serial killer is murdering strippers in very brutal fashion as a detective and reporter attempt to track him down. This movie is one part horror, one part comedy, one part mystery, and is not good at any of them. This is basically stripper dances, gets killed, repeat, with lots of bad dialogue and terrible acting in between. If you can make it through the first hour, however, the last twenty minutes aren’t so bad—unless maybe the first hour is so bad the last twenty minutes seems better than it actually is. At any rate, the last twenty minutes are full of death scenes and stripping, so at least something is happening. For some reason, many horror movies in the 70’s seem to throw in painfully unfunny comedy as well, and this holds true in this film. The death scenes are gory, with brains being crushed and eyeballs popped out, but it all looks so fake it is more laughable than scary. Strangely, this movie received an X rating when it was released—I have no idea why. The Gore Gore Girls really doesn't have much going for it. Skip it.
On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3
The Gore Gore Girls Movie Trailer (It's much better than the movie itself)
Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman, The Goonies,Dream A Little Dream) is broke and being evicted from his home when he is offered a chance to kill the head vampire, destroying all other vampires. The third movie in the Lost Boys series is considerably better than the second, but still fails to come even close to the original. The acting is pretty bad throughout and the plot has holes all over it. Thankfully they dropped most of the really bad CGI from part two, giving a more original feel. The vampires are really hit or miss, with the more powerful vampires being by far the least effective. There are several references to the original film, including rehashing lines from it, and there are even a few scenes from the first movie included as Edgar has flashbacks. Unfortunately Corey Haim died before filming, making it impossible to get the Sam vs. Edgar battle teased in part 2, but the character is included in the story and Haim is featured in flashback scenes. It is mentioned in part two that Alan Frog (Jamison Newlander) is dead, but he is in part three, albeit as a vampire.
The meanest, the baddest...and a chick
Most of the major characters from the original film are mentioned in the movie as well, telling us what ends up happening to them. They also sort of ripped on the Twilight phenomenon and reality television as well, both of which earned points from me. This really isn’t a bad movie—it’s not great either, but having watched part 2, I was pleasantly surprised here.
Jack Wade (Quentin Jones) brings his comatose wife to a small house in the middle of nowhere, waiting for her to die so he can collect insurance money. Jack is soon haunted by visions of his wife and the ghosts of dead people. This low budget film really doesn’t have much going for it--the directing is bad, the acting worse, and the dialogue is awful. Most of the gore scenes are so fake looking they’re laughable. For the most part the movie crawls at a snails pace with nothing happening. The plot makes little to no sense at all. The only interesting thing about this movie is some of the somewhat familiar faces that turn up. Kyle Gass (music act Tenacious D), Felissa Rose (Sleepaway Camp), and Marilyn Ghigliotti (Clerks) all have small roles. And Zack Ward (A Christmas Story, Titus) has top billing on the cover of the movie but is only in it for maybe forty-five seconds.
Dead And Gone made me say uncle
None of these people are exactly “great” actors, but they are head and shoulders above the rest of the cast here. They are not well known, but considering their total screen time adds up to about five minutes, they probably had a sense they were better than this movie. I agree.
Paul Conroy (Ryan Reynolds Amityville Horror, Finder’s Fee) is captured in Iraq and buried alive. Equipped with a cell phone and a couple lights, he makes calls to attempt to be rescued, while also trying to get five million dollars the terrorists are demanding for his release. This is a very simply shot movie—literally the entire movie is Reynolds in a box. As such, almost the entire is movie is dialogue between Conroy and various people on the phone, and his emotional reactions to being trapped, as well as his reactions to the phone calls. I have to say I was rather bored with the first half of the movie but midway through it starts to take off as we get to know Paul better and know more about his life back home. He becomes very likable, and I found myself cheering for him. Some of the shots are questionable, as they show Reynolds from a distance, giving the impression the coffin is much larger than an actual coffin, as if we are seeing him through tunnels that do not exist.
Like this
This seems the opposite of what they should have been going for, which is the actual small space he is locked in. Reynolds, who is a hit or miss sort of actor for me, is really good in this, and brings a ton of emotion to the role, particularly towards the end. Some of his phone calls and messages, such as the ones with his mother and his son, are absolutely heartbreaking. We are also given an ending that is pretty unforgettable. If you can force yourself through about the first 45 minutes of this film you will be rewarded.
As the building security and detectives attempt to get to them, they begin dying off one by one and everybody realizes there may be more in that elevator than they realize. This is a fairly suspenseful film, as you spend a lot of it trying to figure out which character is killing off the others (or which one is the Devil, if you will). The film also looks at the idea that nothing is coincidence, and the story really plays out well as we learn more and more about the characters as we go along. There is not a lot of gore in this one (in fact hardly any at all) but it does provide several freaky scenes/images. The acting is fair—nothing standout but nothing offensively bad either. There is a bit of a twist ending which is sort of cool. I sometimes complain about movies being too long but seldom say a movie is too short—Devil, clocking in around 80 minutes, is too short. There are some part of the movie that drag along a bit, but there always seems to be something happening to advance the story. This is the first movie of a trilogy being written by M. Night Shyamalan (he did not direct this) titled The Night Chronicles, three stories of the supernatural in the modern urban world. He kicked it off pretty well with this movie.
A group of sorority sisters decide to play a prank on a frat guy by convincing him his girlfriend is dead, but the prank goes wrong when he actually kills her. They all dump the body and agree to tell nobody what happened, but now somebody is killing them off one by one. This is a remake of the 1983 movie The House On Sorority Row, and like many remakes of the past few years, it is fairly weak. This movie feels a lot more like I Know What You Did Last Summer than The House On Sorority Row. The sorority girls are all pretty much interchangeable and unlikable, making them pretty close to real life sorority girls. I enjoyed watching them get knocked off, but unfortunately, we don’t get enough of that. One standout among the girls is Leah Pipes as Jessica, the meanest of them all. She was so good at playing that character that you wonder if she is actually like that in real life or if she was just THAT good in the role. I was surprised to see she was just 21 at the time of this film, however, as she looks at least 30.
Did I ax for your opinion?
There are a couple pretty cool kills that kept my interest, and it does a decent job of keeping you wondering who the killer is, but the payoff is disappointing. For the most part this movie is a lot of bad acting, bad dialogue, and even worse music. This is just a really average movie.
An Earthquake opens a hidden lake beneath another lake, unleashing thousands of piranha thought to be extinct for millions of years. The piranha then feast on college kids on spring break.
Extinct no more
This movie is basically full of gore, topless and/or naked chicks, bad CGI, even worse dialogue, horrible music, and a ridiculous storyline, but, in spite of everything bad about it, I couldn’t help but like the movie. This is a 2010 remake of a 1978 film that was a spoof of sorts of Jaws. There is a surprising number of recognizable actors in this film: Elizabeth Shue (Hallow Man, Back to the Future 2) plays the sheriff, Jerry O’Connell (Stand By Me, Scream 2) plays a sleazy porn director, Ving Rhames (Dawn of the Dead, Pulp Fiction) plays a police officer, and Eli Roth (Inglorious Basterds, Hostel), Richard Dreyfuss (Jaws, What About Bob?), and Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future, Taxi) all have cameos—these actors all do a great job here, especially Lloyd as Mr. Goodman, the man who recognizes the piranha, in a performance very reminiscent of his character Doc Brown from the BTTF series.
Great Scott!
The rest of the actors in the film, however, range from bad to awful. As stated, the CGI is really bad in this movie, but the out of water gore is very well done. This movie is horror but with tongue planted firmly in cheek. It is really a B movie that made theatres, thanks largely to being in 3D, which, when you’re not watching it in 3D, is actually quite distracting. This is not a great movie, which is okay because it was not made to be. Instead it is made as a fun, campy horror, and it does quite well as that.
After dying in a car accident, Anna (Christina Ricci, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, Sleepy Hollow) awakens in a funeral parlor where the funeral director (Liam Neeson Taken, Batman Begins) is trying to convince her she is dead. The movie basically tries to keep you guessing as to whether Anna is alive or dead throughout, providing a lot of exchanges between the two main characters, to mixed results.
Has she thoughts within her head?
Honestly, most of this movie is fairly boring. There is some action every once in a while to break up the conversation scenes, but they are generally predictable and bland as well. The performances are actually pretty good between the lead characters, which helps make the movie somewhat enjoyable. Ricci also looks really good in this movie, and spends a good bit of it naked or topless, so there's that. The end is one that is meant to keep you guessing as well, but if you’re not into the movie you probably won’t care anyway. This is one of those movies that wasn’t offensively bad, but wasn’t particularly good either.
When a plane carrying a biological weapon crashes in a small town in Pennsylvania, the chemical gets in the water and starts to make people go crazy. Soon, the military is called in to quarantine the city and a war breaks out between the soldiers and the locals. If you have seen the remake of this film you probably think this must be a good film—I did anyways, especially considering it was directed by the legendary George A Romero. I, however, was very let down by this one. It moves at an absolute snails pace and hardly anything actually happens throughout the movie except locals and military shooting at each other, reminding me more of a western film than a zombie movie.
Lots of this going on
The acting is pretty bad and the dialogue is even worse. The audio work on the film is sub par. The ending is as boring as the rest of the movie. There are one or two scenes that are pretty well done and surprising, but they are hardly worth watching the movie to see. The idea of the movie is a good one, and I appreciate how some of the scenes were shot, but other than that there is not a lot I can say for this movie. At least it inspired a much better remake many years later.
New music teacher Andy Norris (Perry King, The Day After Tomorrow, Spin City) finds trouble with a gang of punks at the school, lead by Stegman (Timothy Van Patten). There were several similar movies to this one in the 80’s—a new teacher facing a rowdy school where the kids are violent and out of control, but this is probably one of the first, and probably one of the most influential. The movie has a very nice pace, slowing down only when we get glimpses of Norris at home. The acting actually isn’t too bad either. King does a fine job as Norris, Roddy McDowell (Fright Night) turns in an incredible performance as a teacher at his wits end with the kids, and we even get a glimpse of a very young Michael J. Fox (Back To The Future, Teen Wolf) as one of the few straight-laced kids.
You've got to have FAITH...wait, wrong movie
Lisa Langlois does a good job as the feisty punk Patsy as well. Van Patten seems an odd choice as the leader of the gang (and the school for that matter) as he is probably the preppiest looking “punk” you are likely to see.
Michael J looked more punk than this guy...
...maybe not
Some of the dialogue is really bad at times and some of the shots seem very amateurish. Of course most of the high school students look to be in their mid-twenties, which takes something away from the film, but you take that with a grain of salt as that has been a staple in movies for years. The beginning states this was based on a few incidents throughout the country while pointing out that very few schools were actually like that at the time and wondered if more would be like that in the future--this movie came out in 1982. We then see a scene of the kids passing through metal detectors before entering the school, giving us a chilling vision of the future we actually did get. This is really not a great movie by any stretch, and the end is very predictable, but it is a decent movie that is worth a look, especially if you are a fan of 80’s movies.
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King Movie Review
The third and final chapter of the series finds Frodo and Sam continuing their quest to Mount Doom to destroy the ring while their allies fight one final battle against Middle Earth. There are many more action and fight scenes in this movie than the previous, and each seems to be more spectacular than the last. The special effects and CGI in this movie are absolutely incredible most of the time. There are more side stories in this installment, and in the end all matters are tied up, with varying results and nothing of any surprise, which was a bit of a letdown. The Mount Doom scene in particular was fairly anticlimactic to me. As with the rest of the series the acting ranges from fairly good to exceptional with the exceptions of Sean Astin and Elijah Wood. Overall, like the two prior movies, this is a really good movie, and a fitting end to the series.
On A Scale Of One To Ten: 8
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King Movie Trailer
The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers Movie Review
Picking up where the first of the series left off, Frodo and Sam continue their journey to Mordor to destroy the ring. Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas and the rest of the crew meet new allies along the way and fight the orcs and other evils. We also get the return of Gandalf, and Merry and Pippin go off on their own and spend most of the movie in a tree. This movie basically serves as a bridge between the first and the final movies, but that is not to say it is not an amazing movie. Like Fellowship, this is visually stunning. This one seems to have fewer action/battle scenes than Fellowship, but it also seems to develop the story more, and the dialogue is far more interesting here. Essentially the movie switches back and forth between Frodo, Sam and Smeagol, a Gollum they encounter on the way, Aragorn and his crew, the villains, and Merry and Pippen as all groups push on, setting the stage for the final movie. The final battle scene in this movie is absolutely incredible and a must see. My only problems with this movie are largely the same as the first: Sean Astin as Sam and Elijah Wood as Frodo, though Wood does bring more to the character here than in the first film. Astin, on the other hand, is just as bad, if not worse than, the first time around. The guy slips in and out of his accent so much it is laughable (I will make a drinking game of it some day). Like Fellowship, I think a lot of this film could have been cut, especially some of the tree scenes. Still, this is a really good movie that I liked slightly better than Fellowship. I can’t wait to see how the trilogy ends.
On A Scale Of One To Ten: 8
The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers Movie Trailer
