FUNHOUSE (2019)

 

Funhouse Movie Review

Internet stars who find their fame fading agree to participate in a reality game show. Once there, however, they discover they have been trapped by a sadistic madman, and losing comes with deadly consequences. Not to be confused with Tobe Hooper's 1981 slasher The Funhouse, this movie is one of many game show/escape game themed horror flicks to come around the past several years. The idea with this one is the show is being streamed online, and viewers have the opportunity to vote on their favorite participant--the one with the fewest votes each round must play a game that all but guarantees they will die. Naturally, whoever is behind all this doesn't want the contestants to know who he is, so when he talks to them, he does so as a bear on a screen.

You were expecting something scary?

This is one of those movies that makes you hate the would-be victims right from the start--one or two may grow on you a small bit, but for the most part, you're really just waiting for the next death scene. Few of the characters have any depth whatsoever, which, if you think about it, probably accurately describes most "internet famous" people anyway. Throughout the movie, we also get shots of people from around the world watching, a guy who makes videos commenting on what's happening on the show, news stories reporting nobody can find where this is all happening, and, eventually, law enforcement trying to find and put an end to the game. There's one face you may recognize, but he's probably not who you think he is--this is actually Valter Skarsgård, brother of Bill, and son of Stellan. 

"I'm me, not just their relative"

There is plenty of blood and guts to keep you interested in this movie, and the mystery of what the next game will be is also fun. You likely won't care who lives and who dies, and the little twist ending is both nonsensical and fairly predictable. The movie was poorly shot, and looks quite amateurish, but that somehow adds a little to the appeal. Funhouse is not a good movie by any stretch, but one could qualify it as a guilty pleasure experience. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Funhouse Movie Trailer

STRANGER THINGS (Season 4, Volume 1)

 

Stranger Things Season 4 Review

Before we get started--as was the case when I reviewed the second and third seasons of Stranger Things, I'm going to slap a Spoiler Alert on here--this review will reveal some stuff about Season 4, as well as dip into the previous seasons...proceed with caution. 

Extreme caution

At the end of Season 3, we saw Joyce Byers (Winona Ryder) and her kids, Will (Noah Schnapp) and Jonathan (Charlie Heaton), along with Eleven (Millie Bobby Brown), packing up and leaving Hawkins--they landed in California, and the start of Season 4 catches up with them there. Joyce sells encyclopedias (Google it, youngsters), Will misses his friends, Jonathan is a stoner, and Eleven, going by the name Jane Hopper, is picked on by classmates and, as seen near the end of Season 3, no longer has her powers. 

"Why did we leave Hawkins again?"

Meanwhile, back in Hawkins, Steve (Joe Keery) and Robin (Maya Hawke) are still BFFs, working at the video store and trying to pick up chicks. Lucas (Caleb McLaughlin) is on the basketball team, trying to fit in with the cool kids and distance himself from his nerdy friends. Nancy (Natalia Dyer) is struggling with being so far from Jonathan. Max (Sadie Sink) has been trying to come to grips with the loss of her brother and is battling headaches and PTSD. Finally, Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) and Mike (Finn Wolfhard) have joined a new group of older D&D players known as the Hellfire Club, headed up by bad boy (but not really) Eddie Munson (Joseph Quinn).

I'm pretty sure I went to high school with this guy

Last but not least (or maybe so), and this should come as no surprise at all if you have followed Stranger Things at least a little bit the past few years, Jim Hopper (David Harbour) survived Season 3--he's been captured by the Russians and is now in the deadliest of all Russian prisons. 

I'd rather fight the Mind Flayer

The first thing you will likely notice with Season 4 is how the kids have aged--it's been 3 years since Season 3 was released, but in the show, only about half a year has passed. This, of course, has a lot to do with COVID, but it can be jarring seeing the characters who are supposed to be 15 looking more like they're 20, and those who are supposed to be 18 looking like they're pushing 30. It's a challenge to get past this, but you'll get there. The first couple episodes take off slowly--there is a certain feel to Stranger Things, and the first episodes of this season don't quite capture that. As the season moves on, however, there is this wonderful combination of capturing the general feel of the first season while also going in a whole new direction--specifically, season four is less sci-fi and more direct horror. The death scenes are more graphic than anything else we've seen in the series, and there is an overwhelming sense of dread throughout.

The stuff of nightmares?

Hawkins is seeing a series of mysterious deaths, and while the adults (and a group of particularly irritating high school students) blame Eddie (this being in the midst of the infamous Satanic panic of the 1980's, after all), our heroes know better, and go into the Upside Down to find the true culprit--Vecna, a creature who preys on the minds of those with emotional issues as a result of traumatic events. This hellish world is lit up red, with vicious bat-like creatures attacking from all directions. With it's not-so subtle nod to A Nightmare on Elm Street, the visuals of the Upside Down this season are stunning. The colors changing from location to location are effective, and the overall feel is genuinely creepy.

And getting back is fun

Mike, who has travelled out to California for spring break, joins his friends in helping out those back in Hawkins. Eleven is brought into custody for assaulting a bully, but is rescued from the police by Sam Owens (Paul Reiser), who takes her to an abandoned missile silo to work on getting her powers back. The California group split also has Joyce, with the assistance of Murray (Brett Gelman), heading off to Alaska (and Russia) to attempt to rescue Hopper. 

"See him anywhere?"

Believe it or not, this is kind of scratching the surface of everything going on in the fourth season of Stranger Things--honestly, I could go on and on, but I don't want to give away absolutely everything. The acting from the people we're familiar with is on par with what you expect, though some of the characters are written in ways you may not expect--this comes with mixed results, with Max and Lucas both heading in interesting directions. On the flip side, Steve is seemingly dumbed down more (and this is pointed out by other characters) and Robin's character changes so much it's almost as if she's an entirely different person--this may be explained in part by the character coming out near the end of season three and being more comfortable in her own skin, but I don't believe this completely explains the changes in the character. She's gone from witty and sharp to much more air-headed, almost as if she never recovered from the drugging the Russians laid on her the previous season. The old relationship between Steve and Nancy is revisited, and the teasing of them getting back together is heavy. 

"Can't you see us together forever?"

As is tradition, we also meet some new characters--we have Eddie, who will annoy you before you get to see he may actually have some decent qualities (on a side note, when I first saw the character, I thought he was a teacher--a quick Google search reveals Joseph Quinn is 29 years old). Quinn does have the acting chops needed to make the character believable--less believable is Eduardo Franco as Argyle, Jonathan's stoner sidekick who is as cliché as any pot-smoking character in any form of entertainment--he's not interesting, not funny, and is quite possibly the worst character we've seen in the series. The basketball players are a bore, we get an almost carbon copy, Russian version of Murray, and some special agents that do nothing to stand out. On the brighter side, Tom Wlaschiha does a good job as Enzo, and Jamie Campbell Bower is fantastic as a friendly orderly who houses some secrets.

One, specifically

Music plays a huge role in this season, of course, but in more ways than one, as it is the main key to a major plot point. The original music is cool, but the 80's tunes don't shine as much as they did in years prior; there are, however, some gems here and there, and I suspect Kate Bush is about to see her popularity soar to heights not reached in 30 years. 

Maybe she made a deal with God

The episodes have a longer running time than in previous seasons--the first two episodes are slow coming out of the gate, but the five that follow more than make up for that. All the action will keep you glued right up until the cliffhanger...wait, cliffhanger? Indeed, what was released this weekend was not the entire season--instead, what we have seen to this point is Volume 1, with Volume 2 set for release July 1. Hey, we waited this long for a new season, what's another month for the last part of it? Volume 2 will consist of two episodes--my excitement level is cautiously high, and I really, really hope the horror theme is continued. I'm sure I'll be watching that first weekend, so check back for the conclusion of this review soon after!

My Vol. 2 Review can be found here

CEMETERY OF TERROR (Cementerio Del Terror)

Cemetery of Terror Movie Review

A group of bored teens at a party decide to liven things up by stealing the corpse of a serial killer and performing a ritual to bring him back to life--what a great idea! Meanwhile, a gang of younger kids out trick or treating find themselves in the same cemetery that housed the ritual. Finally, on his way to save the day (eventually), is Dr. Cardan, played by the legendary Hugo Stiglitz. 

The face of a hero?

This 1985 Mexican film has a painfully slow start--we get a lot of introduction of the characters, build up of the party, and little else--and this goes on for about 50 minutes. Stick with it though--once the teens get bored of the party and kidnap the cadaver, this one takes off. When the reanimated corpse makes it to the party, the kills come fast and often--so often, in fact, you will begin to wonder what the rest of the movie will consist of. The answer, of course, is switching to the children, but what you may not expect is that at that moment, this slasher film all but transforms into a zombie movie! Yes, the killer himself was technically a zombie, but here, I'm talking about corpses rising from their graves to pursue the kids. Some of the visuals are quite entertaining--the zombies look like they came from Michael Jackson's Thriller video, the lights coming from the graves remind one of a haunted house attraction, and the set looks like it came from an Ed Wood film.

"Dang, I left my lava lamp on"

Take the above elements and throw in some slick practical effects and you have the makings of a really fun flick. The ending will have you rolling your eyes, but there is a bit of cheesiness with it that may also make you smile. Had the first 50 minutes or so been more interesting, this could have been a classic--as it is, Cemetery of Terror stands as evidence that patience sometimes pays off nicely. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Cemetery of Terror Movie Trailer

SCREAM 5

 

Scream 5 Movie Review

Ghostface is wreaking havoc on the small town of Woodsboro...again. First, the title--this was billed as a relaunch of the franchise, so they titled it Scream, but it's a direct sequel to the fourth movie, and also falls in line with the rest of the franchise, so it will henceforth always be referred to (by me anyway) as Scream 5. At one point, the film itself actually makes light of all this by referencing the movie within a movie, Stab, which is up to its eighth installment. With that out of the way, let's take a closer look at the first film in the franchise to, sadly, not be directed by horror legend Wes Craven. 

It looks familiar already

In this one, we start off with teen Tara Carpenter (Jenna Ortega of Insidious: Chapter 2) being attacked by somebody wearing the familiar Halloween costume. She actually survives, and we meet her sister, Sam (Melissa Barrera), and a group of friends, all more or less based on, and related in some way to, characters we have already seen in the franchise. Familiar faces Dewey (David Arquette), Gale (Courteney Cox), and Sidney (Neve Campbell) join the battle and really put in perspective just how old the original Scream movie is now. Just as in the films before it, this one is very self-aware, and is so much so it's actually somewhat detrimental. Just like in the previous films, there's some humor, but it's seldom actually funny in this one. Just as in the other films--actually, I could go on and on about this, but let me instead get to the point--part five has a real lack of original ideas. With the exception of visions of an actual ghost... 

"Seriously?"

…there's really nothing new brought to the table with the fifth film. The story is dull, the characters are largely irritating, the writing/dialogue lazy, and, probably worst of all, the identities of the killers (don't look at me like that--you knew there would be two) are disappointing--one you see coming a mile away, and the second was arguably the least important character in the movie until the reveal. 

"That's just hurtful"

Not all is bad though. The gore is plenty--some of the scenes are surprisingly graphic, and the practical effects are impressive (the CGI used in other scenes, well, less so). Ortega is fantastic as Tara. The Dewey/Gale stuff is scaled way back, which certainly helps. We get voiceover cameos from some of the stars of the original film--have those ears out for Drew Barrymore, Henry Winkler, and, yes, Matthew Lillard. The back and forth regarding the battle of the classic slasher versus so-called elevated horror is amusing. Most unfortunately, the ending is disappointing, with far too many survivors. 

"We have failed you"

I decided to skip seeing this in the theater, and I'm happy I did--instead, I used a code to get a free DVD rental from the local Redbox.

Yes, that's still a thing

I'm happy that all watching this mess cost me was the gasoline it took to get to the box (though, at these gas prices, I may have been better off going to the AMC). Scream 5 may be the worst of the franchise--yes, I know Scream 3 wasn't great either, but at least that one had the always awesome Parker Posey. A sixth movie has already been announced, and is set to be released in 2023. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Scream 5 Movie Trailer

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES!!?

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? Movie Review

Jerry (Ray Dennis Steckler, who also produced and directed the film) is hypnotized by a gypsy and turned into a killer who can't remember his actions--God, you have to love these simple plots. Digging deeper (but not much), we find that both gypsy Estrella (Brett O'Hara) and her sister, stripper Carmelita (Erina Enyo), have the hypnotic skills, and Estrella has a history of not only putting fellas under her spell, but also of throwing acid on them to disfigure their faces, and keeping them enslaved--these are the "zombies" and "creatures" mentioned in the excessively long title that honestly is the only reason I decided to give this movie a shot, the curiosity of seeing the length of the title under the picture up there being too much to resist, so don't expect to see anything bordering on the traditional zombie or creature we are all used to, and, in fact, all love.

"Now look into my eyes"

This oddly-named 1964 flick is likely even more bizarre than you are picturing. It hailed itself as "The First Monster Musical", but managed to underwhelm in both the musical sense and the monster sense. 

Or maybe don't see it?

It's obvious I'm a fan of horror, but, if done well, I am also a fan of musicals--this was not done well. The musical element seems to exist only to add to the run time--worse, they sound bad, the dancing is dreadful, and there are far too many numbers. 

One of many

In fact, they take up most of the first 45 minutes, when we finally see Jerry turn, complete with a painstakingly long hypnotism sequence and, eventually, Jerry's hilarious psycho killer face. 

They likely laughed as they died

The acting is atrocious from start to end, the story is uninteresting, the dialogue is mind-numbing, and there is little in terms of consistency. Based strictly on these merits, this movie has nothing whatsoever going for it--it has been put on many lists of worst movies ever made, but I'm not going to go anywhere near that. Granted, it's still not a great movie, but there is plenty happening to keep you glued. I've said it before and I'll say it again--I'm a sucker for carnival and amusement park settings, and a good bit of this movie takes place at the now-defunct The Pike in Long Beach, California. These shots are fantastic, and make the viewer long for just one day at the park.

Uncrowded beaches existed then?

I want to ride this one!

Maybe not this one

Correction: Definitely not this one

Dominguez on the Sandia Peak Tramway

The movie is filled with fascinating, unsettling images and sounds, with the next scene seemingly having little to do with the one before it, making the entire experience feel like a dream at five in the morning after having one too many drinks or joints. The end is as strange, with a very drawn-out chase scene that sees the pursuer almost not even trying to catch the fleeing Jerry as both struggle with the terrain much more than either should. This leads to a rather unsatisfying ending. This movie (the title of which I refuse to type again) is a hard one to rate--it's far too bad to garner any decent score, but its surreal presentation is such that I can't help but recommend watching it at least once. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? Movie Trailer

A CLASSIC HORROR STORY

A Classic Horror Story Movie Review

Five strangers are travelling through Italy when their vehicle goes off the road and hits a tree. They awaken the next morning in the middle of the woods, with seemingly no way out. This horror film, released on Netflix in July 2021, combines elements of many different horror genres, and without giving away too much about the final third, that is kind of the point. Part The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, part The Evil Dead, part Wrong Turn, part The Wicker Man, this film will have you guessing what exactly is going on until the surprise reveal near the end. 

Lots of horror movies in one picture 

On the surface, if I told you this movie seems to steal a lot from other horror films, you may lose interest, but as the title implies, this is all done for a very specific reason--if I told you this all results in one of the most original horror films to come out in years, you may even call me mad; however, it's all true. Italy has not exactly been known as a country to produce terrific horror films in recent decades--in the 20th Century, it was a hotbed for horror, so hopefully this movie will help put the country back on the spooky map and lead to more awesomeness. There are some loose ends that aren't quite tied up, and the characters are not especially likable, but there's not much else to dislike about this movie. The story is interesting, the shooting is slick, the twist is fantastic, the acting is decent, and there's plenty of bloodshed. There's even a cool little mid-credits scene to send the viewer off with a grin. A Classic Horror Story is certainly a movie I recommend--in fact, you may even want to watch it a second time, knowing the ending going in. In a world of mediocre Netflix films, the streaming service hit a home run with this one. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 8

A Classic Horror Story Movie Trailer

CHOOSE OR DIE (aka CURS>R)

Choose or Die Movie Review

Kayla (Iola Evans), a college student from the projects, comes across a video game from the 1980s. The game promises a large prize for anybody who defeats it, but the game itself is a deadly one. Needing money for school and to help her mother, Kayla decides to give it a go. This movie, released on Netflix today, April 15, 2022, is the latest in a whole series of movies and shows based on the idea of a video game, app, or game show putting contestants in a game of life or death--when this fad dies, and in the years to come people look back onto it, Choose or Die will likely not be one recalled with great fondness...or recalled at all. 

"That's just mean...but probably true"

The first thing you will likely notice about this movie is the writing--specifically, how poorly it's written. It makes you wonder if the writers were given bonuses for every dropped F-bomb. I once wrote an entire rant about this, but I will shorten it here--profanity is effective when used sparingly, but lazy and off-putting when used in excess. I'd like to say this issue aside, the movie has a lot going for it, but far be it for me to lie to my loyal readers. The acting is awful--Evans is dreadful as the lead, Asa Butterfield is only slightly better as her friend-zoned pal Isaac, and Eddie Marsan (The World's End) isn't believable as Hal, the first person we see play the game and who makes a predictable reappearance at the end--the rest of the acting in the movie, believe it or not, is even worse. The film plods along with little at all advancing the story. With credits, this clocks in at about 84 minutes, but feels twice as long. The idea of the game is as simple as the movie title would imply--the player is given a question with two options and has to choose one of them...or they die.

Tough call

The movie is not all bad. There are a few scenes where, instead of seeing the actors, we see the action play out in the style of a 1980s video game. There are some cool props, especially for those of us who actually remember the 1980s. The highly underappreciated song "Are Friends Electric" by Tubeway Army is featured, as well as music from Run D.M.C....of course, for every good song, there are ones so unbearable I had my girlfriend mute the television. Arguably best of all, horror legend Robert Englund appears as himself, but in the theme of some good, some bad this movie carries, Englund appears in voice form only (though he knocks it out of the park in doing do). Not even Englund's master vocal work makes this movie worth watching though--in fact, just watch the trailer instead, as it pretty much shows the entire film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Choose or Die Movie Trailer

Tubeway Army's "Are Friends Electric"... thank me later