Because nobody likes spending an hour reading a movie review, I bring you Quick Horror Movie Reviews, a site offering to the point reviews of horror films from a guy who has seen thousands of them. From the classics to the hidden gems, the slashers to the creatures, the multi-million dollar blockbusters to the direct to video awfulness, it's all here! Read, enjoy, and for the best experience, go old school and view the desktop version!
A college student drowns in the water under a bridge near the university. Older students now use the bridge to initiate the new kids, but the consequences could be deadly. This 2020 film comes to us from Taiwan, is in Chinese, and subtitled in English, so let me go ahead and get the obligatory "if you can't sit through a subtitled movie, you should pass on this one" out of the way. Something else that may make you question if you want to stick this one out is the slow start. The movie kind of struggles to find its footing, as we switch back and forth from a traditional movie approach and a found-footage feel--a lot of this is through cell phones, resulting in live streaming, characters constantly on their cell phones, and other such stuff that reminds me why people of the 20th Century were so much more bearable.
"Did you say something?"
Once the movie gets going, however, we get everything we expect from an Asian ghost tale--lots of suspense, a solid story, and very creepy moments. Outside the almost constant use of cell phones, this movie feels very much like a throwback to older movies from the genre, and that, naturally, is a good thing; what is less awesome is to think about how movies such as Ring and Ju-On have been around long enough now to be considered "classics". What may be even worse is that horror movies in the past twenty years have not been as consistently good as the Asian films around the turn of the last century were. The Bridge Curse, however, almost fits into that class. The acting is decent, and the dialogue, if translated properly, may leave you wondering why some of the characters are behaving in the way they do, but this isn't so bad it takes anything from the film. As is often the case with similar movies, the final third of this film is what will really have you on the edge of your seat, as the fear factor is pumped up and we get some slick twists, complete with a really good ending. Also stick around for the credits, as we get a couple additional scenes. If you're in the mood for a good ghost flick, check out The Bridge Curse and thank me later.
A drifter named John Nada (pro wrestling legend Rowdy Roddy Piper) notices some strange behavior at a church. He discovers the group there knows about a secret society, and upon stumbling across special sunglasses the group created, discovers the secret--the world is being controlled by aliens.
The world through Roddy's sunglasses
Not only do the sunglasses reveal these normal looking humans are actually aliens, they also allow Nada to see the true messages behind advertising, television, political leaders, and so on. The acclaimed John Carpenter (Halloween) directed this 1988 film, based on the short story "Eight O'Clock in the Morning" by Ray Nelson. The movie is much, much more science fiction than horror, and to say it's a political statement is a strong understatement. It's funny--as you watch this, the stuff Carpenter was rallying against in this film is arguably more dominant in American society 32 years later. In this regard, the movie holds up strongly after all these years, and I have a feeling this statement will hold true for many years to come.
"I have come here for two things, and reading you predicting the future ain't one of them"
The film itself certainly has some memorable moments, from Piper's bank entrance to his flying out the window after a slight tap to his brutally long fight with co-star Keith David (The Thing, a million other things). Piper famously left the world of pro wrestling to make this film--I remember as a kid being very confused that this villain was now a good guy, then was leaving wrestling after cutting Adorable Adrian Adonis' hair at WrestleMania 3--furthermore, I was livid, as I was a fan of Piper. Unfortunately for the Rowdy One, his Hollywood career didn't go quite as expected (though he did also star in another cult classic, Hell Comes to Frogtown, which I must watch again some day soon, and made numerous television appearances) and he was back in wrestling a few years later. There are a couple other recognizable faces here: Buck Flower of Pumpkinhead and Cheerleader Camp has a prominent role in the film, as does Meg Foster, who you may know as Evil-Lyn from the Dolph Lundgren 1987 flick Masters of the Universe--that's another one I have to watch again some day soon.
"I approve. Now back to the review"
After a somewhat slow start, They Live picks up and really brings the action in the second half. There are a few twists near the end, and a high body count getting there. Technically speaking, this is not a great movie, but it is an awfully fun one to watch, and it may leave you questioning what you think about life (on a personal note, it opened my eyes even when I first watched it as a young teenager).
A group of folks on a ship get stranded near Ireland. Unfortunately for them, something very large is stalking them. This movie, shot in 2019 and released in 2020, is one that doesn't exactly come out of the gate with guns blazing--it's much more of a slow burn, and you may find yourself wondering if you want to keep watching the movie, but stick with it. As the story develops, we end up with interesting characters, a solid plot, plenty of bloodshed, and a vicious killer.
But it looks so pretty!
What we think might be some sort of giant squid turns out to be a lot more dangerous, as the threat becomes many small organisms on the ship instead of outside it. The cross between the old creature features and the more recent killer virus flicks is done exceptionally well in this movie. The acting is--get ready for it--actually good in this movie, with Connie Nielsen and Hermione Corfield leading the way. The movie is visually impressive, from the gore to the creature to the overall cinematography. As the parts of it we did see looked so cool, I would have liked to have seen more of the giant monster--that said, leaving the rest of the creature unseen added a great deal of terror. The ending was somewhat unexpected, certainly memorable, but not necessarily pleasing. Still, Sea Fever is a good movie and one worth checking out.
Medical school student Mary Mason (Katharine Isabelle, Ginger Snaps) finds herself in financial trouble. One day, she answers a help wanted ad and finds she can make lots of money performing illegal surgeries. What starts with her saving a man quickly turns to a world of revenge, torture, and performing body modifications. This 2012 indie flick from the Soska Sisters (who also appear in the movie) garnered a lot of attention upon its release, and really, it's easy to see why. The movie, while not entirely original, certainly hangs out well off the beaten path of horror flicks. If you're a fan of Isabelle, you will not be surprised at all to hear she does a fantastic job here. The acting takes a large step down from there, though Tristan Risk is memorable as Betty Boop wannabe Beatress Johnson.
She actually WANTS to look like this
The movie feels very unbalanced--I know a lot of this is by design, but some of it isn't. What is most bothersome is the jump from the time Mary is raped to what happens next. Instead of getting to see the gruesome revenge we are all expecting, we skip past that to see Mary has changed her life seemingly over night. Though we don't get the bloodshed we expect there, the movie certainly is not lacking in the department. There is tons of blood in this movie, making it fit snugly in the "torture porn" subgenre. Also most unfortunate is how predictably the movie plays out. For a film that feels chaotic, it is blueprinted as you would expect it to be. If you are paying even a little attention, you will see the ending coming--not that the ending is a bad one; it is executed nicely, and really, execution is the most appealing part of this film. The movie forgoes CGI in favor of practical effects, and the results are visually pleasing. For years, I had heard how great American Mary is, so maybe my expectations were high, but overall, I found the movie to be a letdown...but one that is still worth watching.
Married couple Amy (Kate Beckinsale of the Underworld franchise) and David Fox (Luke Wilson of Zombieland: Double Tap) are on their way to see her family when their car breaks down. They walk back to a motel in the middle of nowhere to rent a room for the night. Once in their room, they pop in a couple VHS tapes and find them filled with snuff films...shot in that very room. We learn early on this is not a happy couple--in fact, they seem to not be able to stand each other, and some of this may be based on real-life, as it was reported that Wilson and Beckinsale genuinely disliked each other during the shooting of this movie. What's worse is neither character is likable in the least, making you, at best, not care about them, and at worst, hope for their demise.
"Well, that's just mean!"
The supporting cast, namely Frank Whaley (The Doors) and Ethan Embry (Empire Records), are much more impressive than the lead duo--Whaley is especially good as the motel clerk. You know how a lot of movies struggle with the whole "Can this person really be that daft?" thing? Amy and David fit nicely into that category...actually, they may be even dumber than most. Just watch what they do when they discover the VHS! The events that unfold from that time on are so unlikely you will find yourself having trouble getting into the movie the rest of the way. There are a few things to like about this flick. The masks the killers wear look cool, and you have to appreciate the practical approach over the use of CGI. I saw this movie soon after it was released in 2007, and upon watching it again, it qualifies as one of those movies that was better in memory than in reality.
Popular teenage cheerleader Buffy (Kristy Swanson, Deadly Friend) finds out her destiny is not, in fact, to shop until she drops and marry Christian Slater...it's to kill vampires.
"Eww! Gross!"
Yes, I know this movie is a comedy first and foremost, and has little, if any, actual horror in it, but it's not the first such movie I have reviewed here, and it has lots of vampires that don't sparkle, so I don't want to hear it.
Glitter-free since 1992
Honestly, there is a lot to like about this movie, and it starts with the cast. Swanson is gold as the titular character; Donald Sutherland shines as Buffy's trainer, Merrick; Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner, The Hitcher) brings his usual bit of awesomeness as lead bad guy Lothos; and Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman) steals the show vampire Amilyn. The familiar faces don't end there--Luke Perry (Once Upon aTime...In Hollywood), David Arquette (Scream), Hilary Swank (The Reaping), Sasha Jenson (Dazed and Confused), Natasha Gregson Wagner (Urban Legend, High Fidelity), Stephen Root (O Brother, Where Art Thou?, practically every other movie and television show made in the past 30 years), and Thomas Jane (Deep Blue Sea) are all in this movie. Still not enough? Okay--Slash (the guitarist), Ricki Lake (Cry-Baby) Seth Green (Without a Paddle), and Ben Affleck (also Dazed and Confused) all pop in for uncredited roles.
"We, like, TOTALLY get it"
Most of the comedy in this movie is spot-on--there's not a ton of laughing hysterically moments, but plenty that will make you chuckle a bit. Hauer and Sutherland's characters look and act like they could have been transported directly from a Hammer film, so it certainly has a throwback feel that goes even further back than 1992. The movie is filled with tons of memorable scenes, none more so than the final time we see Amilyn.
"Ooooh! Ahhhhh!"
The story goes that writer Joss Whedon wanted the film to be darker than it turned out, and was so unhappy with the production he left it--this inspired him to create the Buffy the Vampire Slayer television show a few years later. I'm not sure what he was going for there, but I wouldn't go so far as to call that show dark in any way--or as good as this movie in any way. The movie is a ton of fun to watch, and other than having an ending that feels rushed, I have no real complaints about it--it did everything it could while staying within the restraints of a PG-13 horror comedy. Oh yeah, stick around for the credits too, as we get some in-credits bonus scenes.
Ghost hunter Reese (Jon Callaway) and his girlfriend and assistant, Kat (Abi Casson Thompson), visit a family being haunted by a ghost they dub "The Candy Witch". What we find out about the ghost, however, makes us wonder who the real bad guy is here. This low-budget flick from 2020 packs a whole lot of a lot of stuff we have seen in a lot of other movies. Needless to say, if you are coming into this anticipating something original, you won't find that here. The witch/ghost herself (Kate Lush) looks like what you would find in a medium-priced haunted house attraction.
See?
Cheap makeup aside, there is an impressive amount of gore and bloodshed in this movie, and when they bypass the even cheaper looking CGI, it's fairly impressive. The acting is what you would likely expect from a movie of this magnitude--nothing great, nothing horrible. The kills include the Candy Witch using items such as a candy cane and, my favorite, cookie cutter, so there's some sort of Christmas thing kind of going on here too. This all leads us to an ending that is abrupt and, much like the rest of the movie, forgettable.
