WE SUMMON THE DARKNESS

We Summon the Darkness Movie Review

Back in the 1980's, there was this irrational fear that swept the United States--the story was that teenagers were listening to heavy metal music, worshiping Satan, and committing ritualistic murders. Any of these three actions alone is bad enough but combine them, and we have some real trouble! What We Summon the Darkness does is takes this real-life (largely) urban legend, replaces the Beavis and Butt-Head type metalheads with three chicks, and adds a Christian-lead agenda to the whole mess. While this may sound fun on paper, the delivery leaves a lot to be desired. The profanity-laced dialogue is most disappointing--filled with mind-numbing conversations and failed attempts at humor, nothing any of the characters say will make you care about them in the least. Speaking of the characters--they look like they could be Fairuza Balk's daughter...

...Colin Farrell's son...

...Abigail Breslin's sister...

...and Johnny Knoxville's father...

Wait...that IS Johnny Knoxville!

Speaking of Johnny Knoxville, he turns in the best performance in this movie--this sentence speaks volumes to the level of acting from the rest of the cast. As the film starts, none of the six primary characters are convincing, and they get even worse when the blood starts to spill and the over-acting begins. There is a fair bit of gore, but unfortunately, the CGI in some scenes is so bad you will laugh out loud--pay particular attention when the cop gets shot and when one character's hair catches on fire. If you're looking for some good 1980's metal...let's be honest; not a lot of that exists in the real world, and there is none in this movie. Making matters worse is the level of stupidity the characters exhibit--how hard would it have been to move the towels out of the way?! Unintentional hilarity, if nothing else, will keep you going through this movie, with my favorite being the character flying through the window after tripping over another character's arm--it's not quite on the level of the ending of The Galaxy Invader, but it's not far off. I also have to give kudos for the use of the T'Pau song "Heart and Soul", a somewhat forgotten gem from the 1980's, in the closing credits. We Summon the Darkness is a movie you will make it through, but not one you will likely enjoy while doing so.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

We Summon the Darkness Movie Trailer

THE SACRAMENT

The Sacrament Movie Review

Patrick (Kentucker Audley) is joined by two guys from an alternate news company called VICE as he searches for his sister Caroline (Amy Seimetz, Pet Sematary) at a place called Eden Parish. What is Eden Parish? It's a commune. This is a horror movie. We, as horror fans, know that when you see a commune in a horror film, there's going to be some weird going on, but maybe not necessarily evil or bad. We then meet the leader, Father (Gene Jones), and find out he speaks words from The Bible. Now that we have a Christian in a horror movie, we are SURE evil is happening, and the religious dude is the villain.

There's also a creepy girl, just because

We can tell already this movie has a ton of elements we are used to, but the third act reveals something even more familiar--this is when our "Jim Jones" vibe is brought to life completely, as most of the rest of the story plays out as a reenactment of the very real Jonestown Massacre of 1978. With all that said, naturally a lot of what happens is fairly predictable, but don't dismiss this movie quite yet. Surprisingly, the acting is rather good here--more surprisingly, it's a halfway decent found footage film that bypasses the standard of the characters dropping F bombs to express fear, choosing to take a much smarter route. The film also does a nice job building tension--the music helps this tremendously, as it adds to a general uneasy feeling. There's not a lot of blood and guts in this movie, but there is a scene or two that will grab your attention in this category. If you see Eli Roth's name above the title, don't be fooled--his contribution is strictly as a producer, as the movie was written and directed by Ti West. The ending is, sadly, predictable and uninteresting, but even with this, The Sacrament turned out to be better than I expected it to be, and it stands head and shoulders above most found footage films of the past ten years...not that this is a great compliment. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Sacrament Movie Trailer

THE FINAL TERROR (aka Carnivore0

The Final Terror Movie Review

A group of campers and rangers head deep into the forest for a getaway, but find themselves stalked by a vicious killer. This 1983 film can fittingly be deemed a combination of Deliverance and Friday the 13th...only not as good as either. The movie does come out of the gate hot, as we see a couple on a motorcycle offed in unusual manners--the girl especially meets a wicked fate. From there, we meet the would-be victims for the rest of the film, and there are a lot of them--sadly, most live, making one wonder why they went with so many throwaway characters but didn't kill them off? 

"Don't ask me. I wanted to kill them all!"

Speaking of the campers, there are surprisingly some familiar faces here. Daryl Hannah (Blade Runner, Splash) is probably the biggest name to come out of the film--in fact, this movie was shot in 1981 and shelved until 1983, being released as Hannah's star began to shine. Joe Pantoliano (Risky Business, Memento) kind of steals the show (as he tends to do) as the insane Eggar, and fans of The Jeffersons will recognize Ernest Harden Jr. Rounding it out is Mark Metcalf, and if you ever saw him in the Twisted Sister videos and wished somebody would kill him, this movie has what you've been craving.

"What do you wanna do with your life?!"

The main drawback of this The Final Terror is the lack of anything of any substance happening--specifically, it is a slasher film with few kills and practically no scary moments. There is little character development to compensate for this, resulting in the campers being rather interchangeable. There are some nice shots of the woods and a river, and one scene involving a raft that is cool, so that will help get you through the movie. The few death scenes we see present decent effects. The final scene is anti-climatic, but it does offer a shot that is both unique for its time and well done. Watch it to see some stars early in their careers, and for the interesting directing, but there's not much more to see here.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Final Terror Movie Trailer

THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON

The Hideous Sun Demon Movie Review

After being exposed to a radioactive isotope, Dr. McKenna (Robert Clarke, who also wrote, directed, and produced the film) develops an interesting condition-- he becomes a monster when he steps foot in the sun. You have to love these old science gone wrong movies, especially ones that explain how humans transform from a single cell organism to a fish to a reptile and finally to a mammal before being born. Clarke turns in his best Tommy Wiseau, not only in his roles as writing, director, producer, and lead, but also in his performance--Clarke temporarily breaks his wooden performance to deliver a "You're tearing me apart, Lisa" moment that is almost as memorable as Wiseau's. Working alongside Clarke is Patricia Manning, who turns in an acceptable performance as Ann, McKenna's assistant. Nan Peterson is also here, and that is notable for two reasons.

This movie being from 1958, you know the monster is likely going to look questionable, and boy, does he ever. If you were to tell me the mask that was used was picked up at the local five and dime, I would believe you. 

It may have cost a little more

The actual action is minimal, but you may delight in some of the sound effects, especially those of the guns. There are seemingly hundreds of fist fights, and they are so bad you'll roll your eyes. The dialogue leaves a lot to be desired, and the movie does drag at times, so you may find yourself mentally checking out, but if you stick with it, you will come across a few things to keep you going--my favorite is a movie mistake that is puzzling. At one point, you see Peterson's character talking and...something...move out of the shot. 

I'm going with alien

The final scene is a fun one, with a rather cool climax. There is a lot to sit through to get there, however. There's certainly much better, similar movies out there, but The Hideous Sun Demon does have its moments.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Hideous Sun Demon Movie Trailer

CHEERLEADER CAMP

Cheerleader Camp Movie Review

A group of cheerleaders at a summer camp are killed one by one. Ah yes, the simplicity of a 1980's camp slasher film--how I miss these! This one actually came out at the tail-end of the run of this sub-genre (1988), but for the most part, it has the look and feel of similar movies from the 1970's and early 1980's. The movie also looks and feels a lot like some of the 1980's beach comedies we all used to watch on USA's Up All Night back in the day (minus Rhonda Shear, sadly). There are even a couple familiar faces in this one--Buck Flower (Back to the Future, Pumpkinhead) plays a creepy dude. 1970's idol Leif Garrett (The Outsiders, Devil Times Five) plays the guy all the girls want. Teri Weigel, a personal favorite of my buddy Jeff back in our high school days (I still don't see it, man) pops in to play the, ahem, "friendly" girl. Finally, our lead girl is played by Betsy Russell, who you know as Jigsaw's wife in the Saw franchise. Not only did she surprise me by playing a likable lead, but seeing her pre-plastic was...weird.

This is her...I couldn't believe it either

This movie doesn't really bring a lot we haven't seen before, but that's okay, as I don't think anybody expects it to. As I referenced earlier, there is quite a bit of comedy in this; it's more than most similar movies have, but some of it is actually kind of funny, so we can excuse it. Most of the death scenes are standard 80's slasher stuff, with the possible exception of the scene with the hedge shears--that one is quite memorable. Overall, the acting is slightly better I expected it to be, though Weigel is dreadfully bad, and one gets the sense Garrett knew his star had all but burned out by this time. Lucinda Dickey, the star of my favorite movie title to say out loud (Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo), really steals the show as Cory, the bullied mascot. The movie is a bit of a whodunit, and the end offers a nice little twist. While Cheerleader Camp isn't a movie I would tell anybody to run out and find, if you do happen across it, I say give it a shot--I was pleasantly surprised by it. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

Cheerleader Camp Movie Trailer

OFFERINGS

Offerings Movie Review

A kid is pushed down a well, then ends up in a psychiatric hospital. Ten years later, he breaks out and returns to seek revenge on the kids who were mean to him. Practically everything you see happen from this point on is a direct ripoff of the horror classic Halloween--unfortunately, nothing at all in this movie approaches the awesomeness of that film. The acting is horrible. The directing is a nightmare. The dialogue is rubbish. The story is boring. There is a little blood, and special effects so bad they're amusing...that's really all there is to say about this movie (remember, this IS called QUICK horror movie reviews!)

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Offerings Movie Trailer

BORDELLO DEATH TALES

Bordello Death Tales Movie Review

This is a low budget horror anthology, featuring three stories from three different directors, with the common element being a bordello run by Madame Raven (Natalie Milner).

The only thing more lacking than her facial expression is her personality

We start with "The Ripper", which tells the tale of a serial killer who picks the wrong prostitute to bring home. Filled with loads of horribly fake looking blood, repulsive strippers, and unfunny comedy, this is a rough way to start the movie. The acting is bad--actually, let me get this out of the way now--unless otherwise mentioned, assume all the acting in all three of the segments is bad. This story unfolds exactly as you picture it will when it starts, so don't expect anything surprising. The one really interesting thing about this outing is the animation used to help the story along--this is really well done, and is the best thing about the first story.

And he's the worst thing about it

The second segment, "Stitchgirl", is by far and away the best and most entertaining of the three. A bordello regular has requested a new girl be created from the remains of other dead girls. This oddity made me think "This is what it would look like if Tim Burton remade The Bride of Frankenstein". The black and white presentation is visually pleasing, Stitchgirl (Eleanor James) looks cool, and the carnival-esque full-color scene is trippy in all the best ways (and features some of the most English looking people you will ever see). The conclusion of this story is a letdown, but otherwise, it's a fun watch.

Don't blink!

Our conclusion, "Vice Day", finds a man watching a webcam stripper, and trying to control his emotions. This is honestly the weakest of the three segments--for as poor as "The Ripper" was, at least something was happening in it to keep your attention. "Vice Day", on the other hand, just sort of plods along, with bad acting, a boring story, and mind-numbing dialogue. If "Stitchgirl" got the ball of this movie rolling fast, "Vice Day" brought it to an immediate halt, and sent this film off with a whimper.

I considered this while watching this segment too

If you care enough, stay tuned for a post-credit scene--if you decide against this, however, you're not missing a lot. I recommend checking out "Stitchgirl", but there's not much else to see with this 2009 anthology.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Bordello Death Tales Movie Trailer