Because nobody likes spending an hour reading a movie review, I bring you Quick Horror Movie Reviews, a site offering to the point reviews of horror films from a guy who has seen thousands of them. From the classics to the hidden gems, the slashers to the creatures, the multi-million dollar blockbusters to the direct to video awfulness, it's all here! Read, enjoy, and for the best experience, go old school and view the desktop version!
A child receives a VHS tape while trick or treating. His babysitter finally agrees too let him and his sister watch the tape, and what they see is horrific. That is the basis of this 2013 film, that plays out as a sort-of anthology, though I struggle calling it that...more on that momentarily. This movie takes a bit to get going, with the kids and babysitter arguing over the tape for far too long. Once they finally decide too put the tape in, we see a face who may be familiar to us, and one that certainly is not.
Alien Dude
The face that may be familiar to you is the one on the movie poster--Art the Clown of Terrifier pops up throughout most of the movie, which brings us back to my issues of calling this a proper anthology. This movie is basically a series of short films from director Damien Leone thrown together and held with super glue and duct tape, lacking any sort of flow whatsoever, as it was never originally intended as an anthology. How much this affects your viewing of the movie will vary--honestly, it didn't bother me, as I knew this going in, so I had zero expectations for an anthology. Seeing Art pop up in segment after segment, showing no injury from the segment before, is quite distracting, however, and the character lacks the general creepiness it would find in Terrifier. The acting is bad throughout, but this is made up for with the gore and scares, neither of which are lacking--the segment with the alien is particularly spooky. Much as was the case with Terrifier, you see plenty of potential in the films Leone makes, though they fall just short of being what one would call a really good horror movie...more originality and less borrowing from other movies would do wonders. Still, you could do a lot worse than All Hallows' Eve.
After a woman is disfigured in a car accident, a mad doctor finds a cure, bringing back her beauty--unfortunately, this requires the doc to kill other people for the special serum required to keep the woman, who he has now fallen for, unscarred. The first thing you must know about this movie (a fact that would have stopped me from watching this at all) is that, despite the title, there are no vampires in this film. This is an Italian film that was originally titled Seddock, l'erede di Satana--this properly translates to Seddock, the Heir of Satan, but somehow, somebody mistranslated, and when it was released in the States, the movie was titled Atom Age Vampire.
"Stai scherzando?"
This one comes from 1960, and to call it a snoozefest would be insulting to some of the better insomnia treatments out there. Our doctor does inject himself with an old version of his serum to make himself a monster of sorts in order to kill, but that's every bit as interesting as it sounds. Some of the scenes of the doctor killing the victims are mildly entertaining, but that's as much as you are going to get from this movie. The remainder is slow, tired, and uninspired. When looking for a creepy older movie for Halloween, do yourself a favor and skip this one.
As a child, Adelaide Wilson has a scary moment in a fun house on Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk--she comes across her doppelganger in a mirror. Fast forward 25 years, and the adult Adelaide (Lupita Nyong'o, Black Panther) and her family return to the boardwalk for a summer retreat. The doppelganger returns as well, and now, she has company. Jordan Peele (Get Out) brings us this slick 2019 film that inspired a house at this year's Universal Orlando's Halloween Horror Nights--in fact, it was after going through this house a few times that my girlfriend and I decided we must watch this movie before going back through the house. Speaking of Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, if you're a fan of The Lost Boys, you know this location immediately, and there is a nice reference to that vampire classic in this movie.
Be sure to look up!
Once we get past the impressive opener and to the modern time, the first thing you may notice about this movie is how likable adult Adelaide and her husband Gabriel (Winston Duke, also of Black Panther) are. A good amount of time is spent developing their characters, which builds nicely into the rest of the film. Once the duplicates (called "The Tethered" here) appear, the scares come quick and often. The idea of this movie is an interesting one--there is an alternate version of us in the underground living out the motions of our lives without the emotions, and they are planning an uprising--the idea is more interesting when you drop the obvious political statement and look at it strictly on a horror level. Nyong'o is really good as Adelaide and her tethered counterpart--Duke is almost as good. The pacing is practically perfect--the film is almost two hours long, but never drags at any point. There is plenty of violence and many death scenes; though, save for a moment or two, they are never as graphic as one might expect, with much of the bloodshed being shot wide or occurring off screen entirely. The ending provides a nice twist--a second viewing may be necessary to fully understand it. Us is not a great horror film, but it does have many creepy moments, so I do recommend it...I can also appreciate the house at Halloween Horror Nights more the next time I walk through it.
Judy Warren (McKenna Grace, The Bad Seed), the daughter of demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga), begins experiencing strange occurrences in her house after her parents bring home a new doll named Annabelle—along for the ride are Judy’s babysitter Mary Ellen (Madison Iseman, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle) and the sitter’s best friend, Daniela (Katie Sarife)--absent are the adult Warrens, who are out of town to investigate another case. Hitting theatres a couple months following the release of The Curse Of La Llorona, this marks the seventh and, to date, most recent film of the Conjuring Universe (there are more coming), the third Annabelle film, and it chronologically falls right after the conclusion of the first Annabelle film. Here’s something you should know right off--Vermiga and Wilson are not in the movie much. We see them bringing Annabelle home and putting her in the glass case we are all familiar with, but they disappear quickly after that, not returning until the very end.
Just leave her in there!
While it is unfortunate that Wilson and Vermiga are in this so little, the three actresses the movie does focus on are strong in their roles, giving surprisingly good performances—one could easily see Grace, who, at 13, has already appeared in several large budget films, becoming a star for years to come. Unlike the preceding two films from this Universe (The Curse Of La Llorona and The Nun), this one develops real scares, minimizing the reliance on jump scares. Some of the special effects are lacking, and there is a disturbing amount of comedy here—leaving the Bob character out of the movie entirely would have been a good decision. The demons are impressive and provide some scary moments. The story itself unfolds well, with a surprise here and there, though it does slow down a bit in the middle. The action in the third act is intense and may have you on the edge of your seat—unfortunately, it concludes with an ending that leaves a lot to be desired. Annabelle Comes Home fits directly in the center of the Universe so far—it’s better than The Nun, The Curse Of La Llorona, and Annabelle, but falls short of Annabelle: Creation, The Conjuring, and The Conjuring 2.
A group of developers go to Saipan to scout out a location for a new resort. While there, they come across an old World War 2 bunker that is easier to enter than to exit. Special effects vet Hiroshi Katagiri makes his feature film directorial debut with this 2016 flick, and it should come as no surprise that the special effects and makeup are some of the best things about this film--in fact, some of the visuals are truly terrifying.
Sister Abigail?
The story is a bit convoluted, but we find that some folks were tortured during the war, and a hex was put on anybody who enters the tomb--there is also a person down there who looks very old, very thin, and ready to die any second now, foreshadowing, to a degree, our ending. That old man, by the way, is played by Doug Jones, an actor who has been in a million movies but it probably best known for playing Amphibian Man in The Shape of Water. Another actor you will recognize is horror icon Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead), but don't get too excited about this--he's in the movie for maybe a minute (though he does show up for a post-credits scene as well). The rest of the cast is made up of folks you probably won't recognize--none really stand out in a good or bad way. While the scares are there, the story is what really bogs this one down. They are trying to do way too much with this movie, leaving it with a feeling of being all over the place. The lack of focus carries you all the way to the end, when the bad guy inevitably gets his comeuppance. This movie is worth checking out for the cool special effects, but isn't something you should put high on your to-see list.
Caseworker Anna (Linda Cardellini) and her children are haunted by the spirit of La Llorona, a woman who drown her kids and herself 300 years prior. When I reviewed The Nun recently, I talked about how it was a part of the Conjuring Universe, and also mentioned the Annabellefilmsas being a part of this group of movies--as somebody who likes to know as little as possible about a movie prior to watching it, I had no idea when I wrote that review that The Curse of La Llorona was also a part of that Universe, and still had no idea until actually watching this 2019 film. Honestly, if you are not paying attention, you may miss this part of it, as the only real connection is Father Perez (Tony Amendola) of Annabelle popping in to talk about his experience with a possessed doll--we also see Annabelle herself for a very brief moment. Anyway, this movie is based on an old Latin American folklore that is quite creepy--Universal Studios Orlando designed a house after this story for the 2013 installment of Halloween Horror Nights, and to this day it's one of the best houses they ever created, so when this film was announced, I was very excited--I wasn't able to maintain that excitement while watching this, however. As with The Nun, this movie relies way too much on jump scares instead of creating genuine horror...La Llorona herself does look pretty scary though.
Y'all better hide yo kids...
Fans of Breaking Bad will recognize Tuco Salamanca (Raymond Cruz) as Rafael Olvera, a former priest who is no longer a part of the church but who knows everything there is to know about La Llorona. Olvera not only provides the knowledge needed to defeat the villain, but he also provides comedy in a film that should have none--the comedic approach is especially way out of place at the conclusion of the final battle, removing any tension that may have been built. Another issue with this movie is how it takes every tried and true formula from movies past and inserts them without adding anything new--from the priest who is no longer with the church to the holy water to the aforementioned jump scares, you almost see the blueprint laid out in front of you, and expect practically everything you are about to see--this is all the more disappointing when you consider how impressive most of the other films in this series are and how they do not follow such an approach. Cardellini does turn in a good performance, so we at least have a likable lead, and there are a few scenes that will have you glued, so not all is lost with this film. The most unfortunate thing about The Curse of La Llorona is that it does so little with an old tale that is scary and has so much potential--it's really not a bad movie, just one that falls well short of what is could have been.
Father Burke (Demian Bichir, The Hateful Eight) and Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga, American Horror Story) are sent by the Vatican to Romania to investigate the mysterious death of a nun. What they find in the church is an evil not quite of this world. Set in 1952, this is a spin-off of the Conjuring films, chronologically taking place prior to those two movies and the three other spin-offs of them, the Annabelle films. If you enjoy those films, and expect The Nun to be on the level of those, you will be let down. The Nun certainly lacks the sheer terror of The Conjuring or Annabelle: Creation, following more in the footsteps of Annabelle with its reliance on jump scares instead of actual horror. Our villain is one we know from The Conjuring 2...the demon nun.
She still looks like Marilyn Manson
The only thing more frustrating than the multitude of jump scares is the CGI, which is so bad at times it borders on SyFy quality. One of the things I loved about the original The Conjuring is the way it was shot--it feels like a movie that could have actually been released the year it was set in, 1971. Had The Nun taken a similar approach it may have made a world of difference--instead, this feels like a movie that is set in the early 2000's, as it visually resembles many other films from that time. The story really isn't too bad, though it's not a terribly strong lead into one of the better horror movie universes--a little slick editing at the very end of the film takes us right into The Conjuring. The atmosphere is one of the highlights of this film, though much of the action takes place in the dark, so try to watch this one at night with the lights off. While The Nun is not a bad movie, it sets up a series of films that deserved a much better place setting. It should also be noted this movie made loads of money, so a sequel is inevitable--let us pray that, much like with the Annabelle films, the sequel is better.
