Because nobody likes spending an hour reading a movie review, I bring you Quick Horror Movie Reviews, a site offering to the point reviews of horror films from a guy who has seen thousands of them. From the classics to the hidden gems, the slashers to the creatures, the multi-million dollar blockbusters to the direct to video awfulness, it's all here! Read, enjoy, and for the best experience, go old school and view the desktop version!
A group of young people go to a cabin (in the woods, naturally) for a little relaxation. While there they discover there is evil abound, but what (or who) is behind it is what is truly shocking. I remember walking out of the theatre after seeing this film and thinking it was going to end up being a horror favorite of mine, and having just watched it again (for probably the fifth time) I think I can confirm this initial belief. The idea of the film is original, yet is a nod to MANY horror films in the past. The comedy in it is genuinely funny. The special effects are very well done. The acting is good for the most part--the stoner character is even likable. The monsters/creatures are a combination of terrifying and jaw dropping in their detail and sheer coolness. The scene when all the monsters are finally revealed is an instant classic in the realm of horror films (if you want to watch it, see below). The only real drawbacks to the film for me are a rather slow opening and an ending that leaves a bit to be desired--these are small complaints, however, and certainly not enough to detract from the film by any significant measure. I highly recommend this film to any horror fan.
On A Scale Of One To Ten: 9
The Cabin In The Woods Trailer
The Cabin In The Woods complete monster scene.
Warning: This contains spoilers, lots of blood and
Much like the first The ABCs of Death, this installment is a 26 story anthology, each representing a letter in the alphabet. The gimmick is this: 26 different directors from around the world are assigned a letter, and they must create a short that represent death at the hands of something to do with their assigned word. Also, like the original, this one is very hit or miss (the scale tips toward the latter). There is some really good stuff here: S Is For Split, to me, is topped only by D Is For Dogfight from the first film as being the best story from the first two films of this series. Q Is For Questionnaire is a close second in this sequel. N Is For Nexus is another strong segment, F Is For Falling and R Is For Roulette are also pretty good, and W Is For Wish is a really creative look at the world of action figures. Unfortunately, there are some segments that are just...bad. Z Is For Zygote leans on the disgusting (though it doesn't come close to the gross level of some of the stories from the first ABC's). G Is For Grandad and V Is For Vacation are also lame ducks here. My biggest problem with this movie is M Is For Masticate--this segment touches way too close to a real life occurrence and does so in a way that is so distasteful it is offensive (a word a seldom ever use) and illustrates how much disconnect there is between common decency and respect and American society in general. If you don't want to read a spoiler, skip ahead to the next paragraph, though I encourage you to just skip this segment completely if you watch this film (aside from the fact it is disgusting, it is also very poorly shot, written, and delivered)---this segment exists to make light of the 2012 incident that saw an idiot allegedly high on bath salts attack a homeless man, chewing his face off, before the police arrived to kill the attacker. In this segment, we see a man run through a crown of people in slow motion, tackle a man, take a bite out of him, and get gunned down by the police. We then get a joke about the guy being on bath salts. To mock this real life incident in a film is deplorable.
Most of the rest of the segments in this outing muddle about in a state of mediocrity. Some, oddly, even deliver a political message, and others, naturally, deliver the bizarre. Many rely way too heavily on very cheap CGI that does little more than remove the mood set by otherwise decent stories. Overall, if you have seen the first ABCs Of Death, you pretty much know what to expect here. You won't be overly impressed with much here (S and Q notwithstanding), but, with the exception of M, there isn't anything horrible either.
This is the third film in the V/H/S series, and much like the first two, this one taps into the spirit of movies such as Creepshow to tell three tales with a wrap-around story. In this one, the wrap-around story (titled Vicious Circles) is of a group of people, but one youngster in particular, filming a police chase in hopes their video will be a viral sensation. The young man soon realizes the chase is going around in circles and something evil is happening as a result. This story is frankly boring, and the end is a disaster.
At least he's not using his cell.
The first of the three stories within the story is of a magician named Dante The Great (I kept hearing Jeff Anderson saying this in my heads the entire time this story played out) who uncovers real magic when he comes across a cape. However, aside from magic, the cape posses true evil, and must be fed humans to keep going--a comparison to The Blobis obvious here. This is by far the best of the three stories, and stand alone, I wouldn't give it a score above maybe a 6. It did have a lot of potential, and the acting and directing are decent, but it suffers from poor special effects, not enough time to develop the story, and somewhat poor dialogue.
Back! I'm not even supposed to be here today!
The second story, titled Parallel Monsters, is about a guy named Alfonso who creates a device that allows him to tap into a parallel universe and see himself there. The two Alfonsos agree to enter each others world for exactly 15 minutes. When they do, the original Alfonso discovers his other self is nothing like him. This one had a TON of potential but falls flat when the big reveal of what is going on in the parallel universe happens. Strangely, this segment is in Spanish, but was not subtitled in English (I watched this on Netflix, so it may just be an issue there and not on the DVD). Turning on the subtitles via Netflix helps, but it obviously is not translating everything being said.
The Alfonsos
The final of the shorts is Bonestorm. In this one a group of skateboarders travel to Mexico for drinks, weed, and fireworks, as well as to film themselves skateboarding more. This is a disaster of a short. It takes seemingly hours for anything to happen beyond foul-mouthed kids skateboarding and talking about absolutely nothing of substance. Eventually they skate on some sacred ground--or something--and are surrounded by, and attacked by--ghosts? Spirits? People dressed for Day of the Dead? Skeletons?--I really don't know, but by the time these things show up you will likely be so annoyed by the skaters you hope they are killed instantly. As if the characters weren't bad enough, much of this is shot via a helmet-mounted GoPro. This is the absolute worst of the segments in the entire V/H/S series, and that's really saying something.
One of our heroes.
If you have seen the first two V/H/S films, watch this one just to complete the trilogy and to appreciate the other two more. Otherwise, skip it.
After the death of the mother/wife, a cannibalistic family moves on as they pass down to the eldest daughter the tradition of preparing supper. This is a very dark, depressing sort of film that benefits greatly from beautiful cinematography. The acting in this film is very good as well, particularly Julia Garner and Ambyr Childers as Rose and Iris, the daughters of the family.
The sisters
Bill Sage also does a good job as Frank, the father of the family. Kelly McGillis of Top Gun fame also makes an appearance, though if you've not seen her since the mid-80's, you likely won't recognize her. The movie does move at a slow pace at times, and I feel they could have cut about 10 minutes out. Another trap the film falls into is the stereotypical portrayal of a Christian family as a bunch of psychopaths--this is something you get used to seeing in films (especially horror films) but it's really over the top in this movie, to the point it is distracting. You may roll your eyes at this part of the movie, but it certainly is not enough to ruin everything. There are not a ton of death scenes here, but the ones that are tend to be bloody and somewhat disturbing in the realistic look of one or two of them. The ending is a jaw-dropper that is executed very nicely. Also of note is the music selection in the film--it is really fantastic. If you have the patience to sit through a largely dialogue-based horror film and have the patience for a fair bit of Christianity bashing you may enjoy this movie--I did.
A stranger (Jonathan Oldham) approaches Sai (Sarah Farooqui), an artist, to give her a drug that will let her enter a dream world where she can control what happens in real life. The drug--sap from a rare tree that must be burned and inhaled--doesn't quite work as promised--she can't really control anything in the dream world (not that is matters because nothing really happens there), nothing in that world happens in real life until much later in the movie, unless you're somebody else, but not everybody else, and the only thing Sai really wants is to be with Royce (Chris Ivan Cevic), who she is kind of already with, and later she continues to take the drug to be with him even after she already is. Yes, this movie is just as bad as it sounds--probably even worse, and that was one horrible run-on sentence.
The movie sucks more than this thing.
This is a dreadfully boring movie, and the 95 minutes it clocks in at feel more like 195. The acting is tolerable for the most part, with the exception of Oldham, who is beyond bad. None of the characters are developed beyond the superficial. The accents are strange, switching from American to English to--whatever else--at the drop of a hat. The lighting is horrid in this movie, and the special effects are equally as bad. One unintentionally hilarious thing about the movie is the rubber suit the Incubus (Ivan L. Moody of the band Five Finger Death Punch) wears, and the obvious outline of the vampire fangs. These things almost made it worth watching--almost.
Set in 1995, a family, a single woman, and a loser living with his mother are given camcorders as apparent winners of some sort of contest. They are given instructions to follow orders and keep filming, no matter what happens. They eventually figure out they are being watched and the orders they are being given become more sinister as the night rolls on. This found footage film is a combination of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Director Bryan Bertino (The Strangers) does a really good job setting an eerie scene, using creepy music and lighting, along with jarring camera techniques, to create a disjointed feel.
See?
The acting ranges from good (veteran television actress Alexandra Lydon does a fantastic job as Beth) to horrible (Tony Stashwick). To really enjoy this film you have to suspend disbelief somewhat--honestly, in the situation these people are put in, it's hard to believe anybody would be this stupid. Still, the movie did have some potential--until the ending. Bertino decided to end this movie with what is considered a twist, but comes off as so unbelievable that it takes away considerably from what was a decent movie to that point. All in all this movie has enough good points to make it worth watching, but it is certainly nothing spectacular.
Country boys Tucker and Dale go to the mountains to restore a cabin to use as their vacation home. When they rescue a college girl from drowning and take her back to the cabin, all the girls friends come to rescue her from who they assume are killer hillbillies. I first watched this film a couple years ago, and decided to introduce it to my girlfriend this time around. This is a horror comedy movie that is two things most films in this genre are not: it's very original, and very funny. Tyler Labine is extremely likable as the dimwitted but love-struck Dale, and Alan Tudyk (Of Firefly fame) steals the show as the "wise" Tucker.
Killer hillbillies or misunderstood, nice fellas?
Even the college kids, for the most part, are well played. The special effects in the movie are impressive, and the story is both hilarious and sweet, even presenting a life lesson. All this said, it is also extremely bloody and violent. The dialogue is funny--picture Three's Company type situations combined with Shaun Of The Dead type results. Fans of horror will appreciate the absurdity of the premise, and if horror-comedy is your cup of tea, few are as sweet as this.
