A CLASSIC HORROR STORY

A Classic Horror Story Movie Review

Five strangers are travelling through Italy when their vehicle goes off the road and hits a tree. They awaken the next morning in the middle of the woods, with seemingly no way out. This horror film, released on Netflix in July 2021, combines elements of many different horror genres, and without giving away too much about the final third, that is kind of the point. Part The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, part The Evil Dead, part Wrong Turn, part The Wicker Man, this film will have you guessing what exactly is going on until the surprise reveal near the end. 

Lots of horror movies in one picture 

On the surface, if I told you this movie seems to steal a lot from other horror films, you may lose interest, but as the title implies, this is all done for a very specific reason--if I told you this all results in one of the most original horror films to come out in years, you may even call me mad; however, it's all true. Italy has not exactly been known as a country to produce terrific horror films in recent decades--in the 20th Century, it was a hotbed for horror, so hopefully this movie will help put the country back on the spooky map and lead to more awesomeness. There are some loose ends that aren't quite tied up, and the characters are not especially likable, but there's not much else to dislike about this movie. The story is interesting, the shooting is slick, the twist is fantastic, the acting is decent, and there's plenty of bloodshed. There's even a cool little mid-credits scene to send the viewer off with a grin. A Classic Horror Story is certainly a movie I recommend--in fact, you may even want to watch it a second time, knowing the ending going in. In a world of mediocre Netflix films, the streaming service hit a home run with this one. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 8

A Classic Horror Story Movie Trailer

CHOOSE OR DIE (aka CURS>R)

Choose or Die Movie Review

Kayla (Iola Evans), a college student from the projects, comes across a video game from the 1980s. The game promises a large prize for anybody who defeats it, but the game itself is a deadly one. Needing money for school and to help her mother, Kayla decides to give it a go. This movie, released on Netflix today, April 15, 2022, is the latest in a whole series of movies and shows based on the idea of a video game, app, or game show putting contestants in a game of life or death--when this fad dies, and in the years to come people look back onto it, Choose or Die will likely not be one recalled with great fondness...or recalled at all. 

"That's just mean...but probably true"

The first thing you will likely notice about this movie is the writing--specifically, how poorly it's written. It makes you wonder if the writers were given bonuses for every dropped F-bomb. I once wrote an entire rant about this, but I will shorten it here--profanity is effective when used sparingly, but lazy and off-putting when used in excess. I'd like to say this issue aside, the movie has a lot going for it, but far be it for me to lie to my loyal readers. The acting is awful--Evans is dreadful as the lead, Asa Butterfield is only slightly better as her friend-zoned pal Isaac, and Eddie Marsan (The World's End) isn't believable as Hal, the first person we see play the game and who makes a predictable reappearance at the end--the rest of the acting in the movie, believe it or not, is even worse. The film plods along with little at all advancing the story. With credits, this clocks in at about 84 minutes, but feels twice as long. The idea of the game is as simple as the movie title would imply--the player is given a question with two options and has to choose one of them...or they die.

Tough call

The movie is not all bad. There are a few scenes where, instead of seeing the actors, we see the action play out in the style of a 1980s video game. There are some cool props, especially for those of us who actually remember the 1980s. The highly underappreciated song "Are Friends Electric" by Tubeway Army is featured, as well as music from Run D.M.C....of course, for every good song, there are ones so unbearable I had my girlfriend mute the television. Arguably best of all, horror legend Robert Englund appears as himself, but in the theme of some good, some bad this movie carries, Englund appears in voice form only (though he knocks it out of the park in doing do). Not even Englund's master vocal work makes this movie worth watching though--in fact, just watch the trailer instead, as it pretty much shows the entire film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Choose or Die Movie Trailer

Tubeway Army's "Are Friends Electric"... thank me later

SLASHER (Season One)

Slasher Season One Review

It's Halloween 1988, and a maniac enters a couple's home, murders them, and removes the baby from the wife's body. Fast forward to present time, and the baby, Sarah (Katie McGrath), is grown, and with her husband Dylan (Brandon Jay McLaren), purchases and moves into the house where her parents were killed--because that sounds like a wonderful idea. No word on where Sarah was for thirty years, but judging by her accent, I'd say she spent some time in Ireland. 

"Why would you say...oh"

Slasher was a series on the now-defunct Chiller...

Anybody else remember, and miss, this?

..and in 2016, this is the season that kicked it all off. The series ran four seasons, with each season consisting of eight episodes. This first season was titled The Executioner, and it doesn't take long to learn why. With Sarah's return to Waterbury (before you start watching, I'll save you the time--it's a fictional place in Canada), there also comes another wave of the murders, with the killer dressing identically to the original killer--this is no spoiler, as we learn early the original killer is in prison. As the executions continue, Sarah visits her parents' killer, Tom Winston (Patrick Garrow), in prison, seeking advice on how to capture the new assassin. This all very much has a Silence of the Lambs vibe to it, which brings me to the primary drawback of this season--so much of what is happening feels stolen from established films. Another glaring example of this is the killer bases his (or her?) murders on the seven deadly sins.

"Sounds familiar"

We see that immoral acts have taken place for decades in the small town, and it seems nobody is innocent. There is a decent story underneath it all, and several twists and turns are added along the way to attempt to justify eight episodes. Had they cut away some of the subplots and shortened this down to four episodes it would have been much stronger...or, if you were going to have so many subplots, fill in the gaps for all (what did Robin ever do about that huge debt?). Much of the acting leaves plenty to be desired, as the cast is certainly a case of taking the bad with the good. These setbacks aside, there is plenty to enjoy as well. This is a horror series, and when you have a killer wearing some sort of mask and/or costume, you want it to look cool, and this one looks...

Killer

There is a good amount of blood and guts for the gorehounds out there, and it's fun trying to figure out who the killer is (my girlfriend called it four episodes in). Some of the death scenes are unique, and the small town setting and scenery are visually pleasing. This is the only season I've watched at this time, but I have read the series was similar to American Horror Story in that several actors appear throughout as different characters--unfortunately, The Executioner, while fun at times, doesn't give the viewer the excitement of looking forward to the next season.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Slasher Season One Trailer

NO ESCAPE ROOM

No Escape Room Movie Review

Teenager Karen (Jeni Ross) and her dad, Michael (Mark Ghanimé of Slasher), see their plans altered when they have car trouble. Stuck in a small town with nothing much else to do, they come across an escape game and, with the encouragement of their waitress, give it a go. Once they are in, there's--you guessed it--no escape. This one is a SyFy original, but there are no 3-headed sharks or giant snakes to be found--no, this is one of a handful of films to have come out cashing in on the popularity of escape games. If you're not familiar with escape games, the basic idea is you are locked into a room or series of rooms and must use clues throughout said room or rooms to escape. You are given a certain amount of time (generally an hour) to do this. My girlfriend and I have done a couple of them, and have had fun each time, so they come with a high personal recommendation. 

"Are you crazy?!"

Once Karen and Michael make it to the spooky house where the game is located, a pretty cool scenario is laid out--we get the backstory of the game/house, complete with a projector displaying grisly and troubling images to accompany the tale. The game starts, and watching the characters come across the clues is fun. Unfortunately, as the game progresses, the story flattens out a bit. The acting is what you would expect from a SyFy flick, with Ghanimé's performance being even worse than what you may picture. The character is fairly sympathetic, but Ghanimé does little to make him likable--Karen, the other protagonist, is a character you will dislike from the start. This being a TV movie, there's not a ton of gore, but there's a scene or two that may surprise you. The events happening in the house are never fully explained, but there is a certain Triangle feel to it. The ending may be a discussion point with whomever you watched the movie with--if you make it that far, as there is a long stretch of little happening, and it is during this time you may decide to check out. As SyFy movies go, this is a little above what is standard--as horror movies in general are concerned, No Escape Room is rather average. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

No Escape Room Movie Trailer

WILLY'S WONDERLAND

Willy's Wonderland Movie Review

A stranger (Nicolas Cage) passing through a small town runs over spike strips, blowing out all the tires on his car. The town mechanic only accepts cash, which the stranger does not have, and the ATM isn't working; thankfully, there is a way for the man to pay the mechanic--by spending the night cleaning up an abandoned family entertainment center filled with animatronic characters (think Chuck E. Cheese, but with less gun violence). This 2021 flick blends a nice balance of horror, comedy, and action, even with a slightly scaled down performance from Cage--in fact, Cage's performance is one with no spoken lines, which inherently brings the Cage crazy down a bit, though we do catch glimpses of the Nic we all love, particularly when he's playing pinball. 

Nicolas Cage

Being

Nicolas Cage

Naturally, Willy's has a checkered past, and we learn its history as the movie unfolds. The story tiptoes along grounds we have visited before, but that really doesn't make the movie any less interesting...or fun. Chipping in to help Cage in his battle with the come-to-life animatronics is a group of teens--one of them has a direct link to Willy's Wonderland, none of the rest have any real backstory or character development at all, and none of the people playing these characters have much acting ability. The movie keeps a steady pace, and surprisingly never veers too far into the comedy path. Some questions are left unanswered--why does Cage (his character has no actual name, by the way--he's credited as The Janitor, but he's never named in the film, hence me referring to the actor instead of the character's name) have to down the can of energy drink every time his alarm goes off? This includes when he is about to do battle. Why is playing the pinball game equally as important? Why does he wait until each animatronic comes to life and fights them one on one? He has plenty of opportunity to destroy them while they are still stationary, but he doesn't. Ultimately, none of this matters too much--after all, we're not expecting a Hitchcock masterpiece going into a movie titled Willy's Wonderland and starring Nicolas Cage. The movie does deliver where expected, however, and is quite a fun ride along the way, complete with a fantastic soundtrack--just try getting these songs out of your head. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

Willy's Wonderland Movie Trailer