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I could stop the review there and you would likely know what to expect from this 2019 film, but with sadly nothing better to do on a Saturday night, and not wanting you to get any expectations of this movie being nearly as good as Final Destination, I'll continue on. There's a popular app that predicts the exact time of one's death, and it's deadly accurate. Should you dare cheat death's design, however, it will come for you in other ways...sound familiar?
"Now that you mention it"
This one is rated PG-13, so you know not to expect a lot of blood or gore, though a couple of the death scenes look decent. The opening sequence is enough to capture your attention, but the story plays out fairly predictably, with a couple comedic characters thrown in to, I don't know, lighten the whole death mood thing?
I have a theory that those who spend their time looking down at their phones miss life happening around them--while the characters in this movie do have reason to take a look at their cellular once in a while, there is so much time spent looking at phones in this movie you may want to go ahead and grab yours.
Oh
My
God
So
Much
Time
Spent
Looking
At
Cell
Phones
Throughout
This
Movie
Other than the comparisons to one of the most beloved horror franchises of the 21st Century, there's not anything about this movie that will make it stand out in the long run. It's standard theatrical release PG-13 fare that plays it safe in practically every way it can, and one that was shot for little but made a lot--one would certainly expect a sequel any day now. As for the death app, the one thing about this movie you may think might be original--it reminded me a lot of one of my favorite DVD bonus features. It was called the Death Clock, and it predicted when the viewer would die.
I'll let you guess what movie offers this bonus feature
After discovering hundreds of VHS tapes showing the torture and murder of various people, the police do what they can to piece together the clues to capture a serial killer. This 2007 film, which saw a huge delay in its release (more on that in a bit), is shot like a documentary, and contrary to what many may believe, is neither real, nor based on a true story--that said, for being a mockumentary, this one looks as real as any such film you will come across. If you are a fan of true crime shows, this movie is right up your alley. We see interviews with people involved in the case, such as police, FBI agents, the guy who had to watch all the tapes, family and friends of the victims--you get the idea--intertwined with clips from the found tapes--and this is where things get weird.
Not calling YOU weird...
Back to the distribution thing--the film was set for a theatrical release in early 2008, but MGM, for reasons not explained (or found by this reviewer), pulled it, shelved it, and seemingly forgot about it. The flick saw the light of day (bonus points if the song and/or movie of the same name just entered your mind) in 2014, when DirecTV gave it a video on demand release--it found even more fans three years later, when Shout Factory gave it a DVD and Blu-Ray release, a full ten years after it was shot.
That's a long time to be tied up
In this case, it's better to be released late than not at all. This movie has a very unsettling feel from start to finish, and the fake documentary/found footage approach is presented quite well. Some parts of the movie are hard to watch, both in their level of violence/torture and in the graininess of the films. If all home videos looked like this in the 1980s or 1990s, they would have never stuck around. For a guy so invested in making these videos, you would think that, at some point, the killer would get a different camcorder, or maybe try a different brand of tape, but alas, all are damaged to the point of being hard to watch--a more subtle approach in post would have been very much appreciated by the viewer. One also wishes the momentum would have kept up throughout, but the intriguing story eventually gives way to more and more video clips meant to shock the viewer instead of advancing the story. The Poughkeepsie Tapes still comes off as a unique, fresh entry in the found footage genre, and certainly is worth watching.
Hazel (Sharni Vinson, You're Next) leads a group of criminals as they break into a house and kidnap the daughter of a rich dude. Unfortunately for the kidnappers, the daughter, Katherine (Carlyn Burchell), is hiding a secret that will result in the tables being turned on the bad guys. South Africa offers up this 2016 horror flick that was originally titled From the House on Willow Street--I kind of like that better, but let's move it along. I'm not giving away too much to say that there's something very evil about Katherine, and the casting of Burchell for this role was perfect--she has a natural look that lends itself well to this character, and what she becomes later.
Does she look like somebody you want to kidnap?
This movie actually gets off to a great start--once Katherine is chained up, we begin seeing the human side of her kidnappers, and the not so human side of her. This leads to a fairly engaging story that plays out well--at least at first. The special effects are decent for the budget, but that all falls apart during the fiery climax. Once Burchell is in full makeup, she looks wonderfully wicked, though scaling it back just a bit would have probably resulted in a scarier character. She does great with her own voice, but this gives way to the less interesting demon voice we get in almost every possession type film. The acting struggles a bit--Burchell and Vinson turn in good performances, but the rest of the cast is much weaker. We see several ghosts throughout, and the work here is impressive--a comparison to Thir13en Ghosts would be fair. The fault of the movie is in its jump scares reliance--they are far too frequent, to the point you see them coming a mile away. The ending is a bit disappointing, both in story and visuals. House on Willow Street is not a great horror film, and is one you will likely forget, or maybe confuse with dozens of similar films, but there is enough going on to keep your attention the entire way.
Michael Myers (predictably) survives the fire at the end of the 2018 Halloween film, and is once again on a warpath. This time, Tommy Doyle (Anthony Michael Hall of 1980's John Hughes movies fame), Lindsey Wallace (Kyle Richards reprising her role), and other side characters from the original Halloween film track down the killer, while Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) spends most of the movie in her hospital bed...seriously. You may already know this, but I'll go over the history anyway. The 2018 Halloween film was a direct sequel of the original 1978 movie--all other Halloween films do not exist in this universe (hence Laurie still being alive and not being Michael's sister, no Jamie Lloyd, no mysterious white horses, no Busta Rhymes, and, most importantly, no backstory showing us Michael is the way he is because of school bullies, a stripper mom, and an alcoholic stepfather). The 2021 film is a sequel of both, serving as the third film in this timeline.
"Got it...I think"
You've probably guessed the main issue I have with this outing--the primary story in the Halloween films is Laurie vs Michael, yet, as was the case in Halloween II (the 1981 version, not Rob Zombie's), Laurie spends most of her time in the hospital--in fact, we never see her and Michael on the screen at the same time in this movie. It would be like if you went to watch Hulk Hogan vs Rowdy Roddy Piper in 1985, but when you got there, Hogan faced Cowboy Bob Orton instead, and Piper never appeared--Orton was a side character in the feud, just as Tommy, Lindsey, and the others are in this movie--as a side note, I'd like to imagine a reality where Piper won the WWF World Title from Hogan and we never saw the Hulkster again, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.
"...and the NEEEEEEEW..."
If you watch this movie for no reason other than the death scenes, and you have no investment in the story, you will have plenty to enjoy. There are no fewer than 31 kills in this film...yes, 31. Unfortunately, they are less Michael Myers and more Jason Vorhees dressed as Michael Myers. The atmosphere that made the 1978 film so creepy is gone, replaced by kill after kill, just like, you guessed it, Friday the 13th. If this is a good thing or a bad thing will depend on your slasher preference, but the kills are certainly graphic. The acting is fair--there's nothing terrible, but nothing that will garner an Academy Award either. I am generally a fan of Hall, but was kind of disappointed with his portrayal of Tommy, so that was a personal letdown. Also worth noting is the wonderful job they did bringing Dr. Loomis into the movie. They went old school here, using practical effects to make the art director of the movie look like the late Donald Pleasence, the original Dr. Loomis.
Donald Doppelganger
Oddly, for as much as the movie disregards anything that happened in any Halloween films outside of 1978 and 2018, it sure references these movies often--diehard Halloween franchise fans will delight in some of this. What is slated to be the final Halloween movie (at least of this timeline) is due for release later this year, and Halloween Kills feels very much like exactly what it is--filler to lead us up to the finale.
A woman attacked by a maniac in the 1970's returns forty-some years later to get revenge--no, it's not Laurie Strode. It's also not Jennifer Hills. This is Sally Hardesty, the lone survivor of the original The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Unfortunately for her, Leatherface has gone into hiding, so for almost fifty years, Sally has had to wait. This changes when a group of young twenty-somethings hit their parents up for money (I'm taking an educated guess here) to buy a ghost town in Texas. There, the group comes across...you guessed it...Leatherface.
In all his grey-haired glory
If you saw the 2018 Halloween movie, some of what is happening here will be familiar--much like that film, though it is a sequel, this one doesn't have a part number after the title--both Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre share original films name. Just as in Halloween, this movie follows the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie only, dismissing any remakes, sequels, or prequels that came before. Also, in both, our killers and main hero are of advanced age--senior citizen advanced. This brings me to a major issue I have with this movie--Leatherface has to be around 70 years old here, making him immediately far less imposing than when he was young. The guy has been in hiding for fifty years--are we to believe that during that time he has kept himself in prime condition to run down screaming teenagers? Apparently so, though his figure tells a different story. We can only imagine how much better this film would have been had it been set in 1983, giving Sally ten years to prepare for her revenge, and keeping Leatherface young enough to still be a believable, menacing villain. Not that much of the film centers on Sally--instead, our focus is more on the aforementioned youngsters coming into town to restore it.
Because these people are SO much more interesting
All four of these characters are immediately unlikable, and nothing is done throughout to change this. A few other characters are introduced--the all-knowing old guy at the gas station, a stereotypical Texas redneck, a couple cops--and they are only slightly less irritating than the main four. In all likelihood, you will find yourself wishing for the death of every single character you see, including Leatherface, just so they may stop making these films. The gun-toting redneck is the would-be hero, but alas, Dollar Store Thor is no match for the masked madman.
"Bring it on, Tex"
The story is thin. The action is often predictable--Leatherface will have somebody cornered, only to have somebody else save that character--this happens so often you actually expect it every time you see the masked one. The acting is atrocious from top to bottom. If you're curious, Olwen Fouéré plays Sally (Marilyn Burns, who played Sally in the original film, died in 2014), and she is almost as invincible as Leatherface himself.
"It's just a flesh wound!"
Not all is bad here, however. The gorehounds will absolutely love this one--there is a ton of bloodshed and extremely graphic violence, and the effects are done exceptionally well. Some of the death scenes are so brutal they look almost too real. An entire bus full of annoying people arrive in the town--you know this is done to increase the body count, and my goodness, what a body count! Leatherface with a chainsaw in hand and on a bus filled with people you want to see killed is just as awesome as you are imagining. Some of the other scenes in the movie are equally impressive, including the field of dead sunflowers, which make for a beautiful but unsettling image. The final scene adds another satisfying moment, sending the viewer away with a bit of a shocker (stay tuned for the post-credits scene as well). Upon its release in 1974, the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre movie shocked audiences and helped change the horror film landscape--the 2022 sequel fails to capture any of the magic that made the original a classic, and is destined to spend eternity in the lake of mediocrity, swimming with most of the rest of the TCM films.
