MADHOUSE (1981)

Madhouse Movie Review

Julia Sullivan (Trish Everly, aka Patricia Mickey), a school teacher, seems to have a pretty good life. This all changes, however, when her evil twin sister, Mary (Allison Biggers), escapes from a hospital and vows to make Julia pay for...something. Other than the fact that Mary has a disease that alters her appearance and Julia doesn't, and that Mary has been tormenting Julia since they were kids, this isn't really explained. 

"...'cause I'm not beautiful like you..."

"...I'm beautiful like me"

Over the years, there have been many movies titled Madhouse--this one is from 1981, and is probably most known for being on the UK video nasties list. While it probably earned its way onto that list, the movie is actually fairly tame compared to many others found there. That's not to say it is entirely without its shocking moments. The opening is a bit unsettling, though the victim is obviously a bloodied up dummy. Much more interesting are the attacks by the Rottweiler Mary uses to kill Julia's friends. The attacks are absolutely brutal, and look eerily realistic. Outside this, there's not a lot going for this movie. A lot of the action is dragged down by slow motion shots, and if there's ten things I hate in the world of film, one is unnecessary slow motion shots. The movie drags along, and seems much longer than it is. The movie also falls into many of the horror clichés we are used to; think Father James, a religious figure, is going to remain on the side of good? 

You HAVE watched horror movies, yes?

The acting is rough, but it never gets too bad...until the final twenty minutes, which is precisely when you don't want the performances to tank. This is made worse when you consider how awesome these minutes could have been had the acting been better--unfortunately, Biggers drops the ball, and Dennis Robertson (the aforementioned Father James) kills the entire movie with his over-the-top overacting. While not a terrible film, Madhouse is not one that is especially good either. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

Madhouse Movie Trailer

DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW

Dark Night of the Scarecrow Movie Review

After being falsely accused of hurting a little girl, the mentally challenged Bubba Ritter (Larry Drake) is hunted down and killed by a lynch mob. After those four men are found not guilty of their crimes, they begin dying under mysterious circumstances. Has Bubba come back for revenge, or is somebody else seeking revenge on Ritter's behalf? That is the premise of this 1981 film, which is considered by many to be one of the all-time best made-for-television movies. Around the year 2000, an old friend of mine told me about this movie--we were talking about the scariest movies we had ever seen, and he mentioned seeing this when he was a kid, and how it somehow stuck with him. I searched it out around that time, but to no avail. I finally did watch the movie about ten years later, and liked it enough to have seen it twice since (streaming channels make stuff like this much easier to find these days). 

Thanks Tubi!

Keep in mind, this is a made-for-television movie that came out in 1981, so you're not going to get a ton of carnage and gore, but this flick does a fantastic job bringing the scares without gallons of blood. There is a theory in horror that says the scariest death scenes are ones that leave something to the imagination--I don't always buy into the theory, but in Dark Night of the Scarecrow, this is executed wonderfully. The acting is probably a little better than you will expect as well, and Charles Durning (Pappy O'Daniel in O Brother, Where Art Thou?) turns in a grossly underappreciated performance as Otis P. Hazelrigg, the mail carrier who leads the lynch mob. Honestly, when conversation turns to the greatest villains in horror history, Otis should be brought up more often than he is.

"Thanks. You will be spared...for now"

Not all is great with this movie, however. The opening kind of reminds me a bit too much of an iconic scene from Frankenstein, drawing a somewhat uncomfortable comparison to the Monster from that film and Bubba here. The court sequence is a bit rough too--one can't help but wonder if the judge, who saw no evidence of the crimes, went on to be a jury member for the O.J. murder trail. Unfortunately, the ending, especially the low-speed chase (go ahead and make another O.J. reference here if you would like), takes some air out of the balloon as well. Still, Dark Night of the Scarecrow truly earns its status as not just one of the finer made-for-tv movies of all time, but also of a really good horror film.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 7

A most fantastic lead in to the airing of Dark Night of the Scarecrow

BREAKDOWN LANE

Breakdown Lane Movie Review

Kirby (Whitney Moore of Birdemic fame) breaks down in the middle of nowhere. While waiting for a tow truck, a zombie outbreak takes place, and now it's a fight for survival! That sounds fairly interesting, but wow, is any hope for this movie ever taken away almost immediately! Kirby is instantly unlikable, and she does nothing along the way to change this. She is rescued momentarily by a group of rednecks, but, you know, being rednecks and all, it's not long before they start talking about how they have to breed to keep the species alive, and how they must feed on the dead in order to survive--keep in mind, the outbreak started earlier the same day. They inevitably try to rape Kirby, who fights them all off, killing all but the leader (wonder if she'll run into him later?). She does have one pal during this journey. His name's Max, and he is the customer service rep she initially called for tow truck help/verbally assaulted--she'll find him later, too. Kirby has a drug addict boyfriend back home, and when we finally see Max, he looks a lot like her current dude. There are religious nuts. We have bland dialogue. He get scene after scene lifted from previous movies and television shows with zombies. Kirby eventually goes all Rambo, with automatic weapons, a headband, blah blah blah. 

"Don't forget my tire iron!"

The acting is atrocious. The lighting is awful. The CGI is poor, and at times (especially near the end) it looks like we're watching a video game. Instead of traditional transition shots, we get what appears to be comic strips of the action, and sadly, this very unoriginal idea is the best part of the film. We get to the end and, still not made to care the least bit for the lead character, we are left disappointed that Kirby wasn't slowly killed by the zombies. There are not many movies I have watched and found absolutely no enjoyment or entertainment in--if not for the comic strips, Breakdown Lane would be one of them. This movie is just horrendous, and not in a fun, Birdemic way. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 2

Breakdown Lane Movie Trailer

THE MAJORETTES

The Majorettes Movie Review

A masked man somewhat resembling Barry Windham during his time as "The Stalker" is on the loose, killing high school majorettes. At the core, this is the general plot of this 1987 film, but the story doesn't end there...more on this later. For now, we will focus on the first act, which is fairly standard 1980's slasher stuff--we have the high school "kids" who look like they're pushing 30, bad dialogue, some nudity, a few kills, and an actress who looks just like many other actresses from similar movies from this time. 

"It's the woman from...no, wait...from...not that one..."

If you're a fan of Porky's, you'll be reminded of the most famous shots from that movie at times, and the peeping Tom plays a somewhat important role later in the film. Most of the characters believe a biker gang is responsible for the killings, so we get to know some unscrupulous folks there as well. Surprisingly, we find out the identity of the killer about midway through the movie, and that's when things really go off the rails. Still another person with no moral compass blackmails the killer, and the biker gang finally does kill somebody, leading to that somebody's boyfriend seeking revenge. So what starts off as a slasher film switches gears, and suddenly we have an action flick featuring a high school dude with an automatic assault rifle going on a revenge mission. Even with this, the movie never becomes so bad you turn away from it. The idea that you never know what will happen next, no matter how ridiculous, will get you through the movie. Will you remember much about it a week later? Probably not, but it's a fair ride while it lasts. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Majorettes Movie Trailer

CITY OF THE VAMPIRES

City of the Vampires Movie Review

After getting lost, Sam (Matthew Jason Walsh) ends up in Braddock, a city crawling with vampires. He hightails it out of there, leaving Christine (Anne-Marie O'Keefe), his girlfriend, behind. Overcome by guilt, Sammy decides to brave the town in search of the girl. 

Our cowardly hero

Back in the early 1990's, a friend of mine named Brian would occasionally have get-togethers at his place. There was never any alcohol, no girls, no good food--I'm not sure why, but my friends and I would still attend these "parties"--I only had a couple of these outings in me, while the aforementioned friends went to many more. The one good thing about them, however, is at least 3 or 4 of us were fairly creative kids (hello Whitaker, Wes, and Dudas!), and, at some point, Brian would talk his uncle Bob into letting us use his camcorder to film (yes, it was film back then, whipper-snappers) some skits we came up with. God willing, these will never see the light of day (though our "The Pope" segment, which I wasn't actually present for, is something I consider a lost treasure). Watching City of the Vampires, shot in 1993 (a short time after "The Pope"), made me think about those times, and simultaneously wonder if the director also borrowed Bob's camcorder. 

This may be Bob now

The movie has been deemed "A gory & violent take on Night of the Living Dead, only with vampires"--it's really not any of this. The movie is less Romero and more me and my buddies before we could drive--a group of friends with too much time on their hands getting together to make something, and I'm not knocking that in the least. Aside from the flashbacks of Brian's parties, this also reminded me of spending many 1990's Columbus nights watching public access television (hello Barbie, Ginny, and Damon!). Unfortunately, many of the scenes, especially the establishing shots, are so dark you can't see anything, but when we can, the city looks like a wonderful setting for the story. There is also plenty of usage of amateurish special effects to keep you entertained.

Inverted awesomeness

The effects continue, as we get echoed voices, which is doubly hard to swallow, as the sound is already bad without adding this to it. You will likely also enjoy the music, especially if you are a fan of the classic horror flick Halloween--if this is the case, the sounds here will be familiar in that way of when somebody learns how to play the guitar, and they strum their first tune for you, and it kind of resembles "Stairway to Heaven", but then again, it kind of doesn't. Speaking of just learning something, one wishes the talent in the film had taken some acting classes prior to this shoot, as this part of the flick is brutally bad--this gets amplified during the cringeworthy melodramatic final minutes of the film. Oh yeah, in case you're wondering what the vampires look like...

Vampire, or auto accident victim?

Writer/director/editor/one-man band Ron Bonk brought us this one, and surprisingly, he went on to direct, write, and produce several more films after this one--though there's a fair chance you have never heard of any of the titles, you have to give the guy credit for sticking to it. Trust me when I tell you there are many, many more movies out there with a similar production value that are worse than this film. City of the Vampires will at least grab your attention--its downfall is in keeping it, as the whole thing just falls apart near the end. Still, watching it brought back some good personal memories, and I really enjoyed many of the shots of the city, so all was not lost. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

City of the Vampires Movie Trailer