THE CANAL

The Canal Movie Review

The same night film archivist David (Rupert Evans) discovers his wife Alice (Hannah Hoekstra) is cheating on him, Alice goes missing and is discovered dead. David soon finds similar incidents took place in his house more than one hundred years prior when a man murdered his cheating wife, their nanny, and their child. David now struggles to connect the past with the present while also convincing everybody else of his innocence. This Irish horror flick is an odd combination of the really good, the really boring, and the really, really bizarre. The good: the mood is set early on, as we know right off the bat this is going to be a somber ride. The shooting style and music maintain the feel, and Evans does a fantastic job as the lead. There are not a ton a gory scenes, but the ones we do get are rather gruesome.

Ewww

The story itself is nothing terribly original, however, and it will certainly lose points for it's plodding pace. The director (Ivan Kavanagh, also the writer) relies far too much on one of my personal pet peeves of film, television, or any video of any sort for that matter: the jump cut. None of the characters are developed much, and the tension between David and his co-worker Claire (Antonia Campbell-Hughes, who I still say looks like Falkor) should have been built better throughout the film. Some of the scenes seem to go completely off the rails as Kavanagh seems to want to take the film in a more "arthouse" direction, and the results are mixed--the wall scene near the end is effective (if not completely original--thanks The Ring), but the birth scene is just--gross, out of place, unnecessary...but certainly memorable. All this leads to an ending that is equal parts jaw-dropping and ridiculous. The Canal is not a typical horror film, yet is very much clichéd, making it one of the more unbalanced films you are likely to encounter--it is worth a viewing, but approach with caution (and patience).

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 6

The Canal Movie Trailer

THE VISIT

The Visit Movie Review

M. Night Shyamalan is unquestionably one of the more known directors of the past fifteen to twenty years. After giving the world masterpieces such as The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs, he was the can't miss writer/director, and anything with his name attached became must see. He became that rare breed--the director whose name alone was enough to draw people to his movies. His next film was The Village, and that began the second wave of his career: disappointment. Though I personally enjoy The Village, this is where many fans started to fall off. The follow-up to that film was The Lady In The Water, the film that saw fans drop off the Shyamalan bandwagon by the droves. Those who clung on were then treated to The Happening, a movie so absurdly awful it was enjoyable for all the wrong reasons, and the few that clung on still (I personally was out at this point) saw things get even worse--The Last Airbender and After Earth were slammed by critics and absolutely bombed in the box office. However, in between those disasters was the film that brought me back to the M.-- Devil was a nice little horror film that was written and produced (but not directed) by Shyamalan, and put him back on the map for me. He followed that up by having a hand in the phenomenal television series Wayward Pines, and by all accounts, it looked like we may have our old M. Night back...and then came The Visit.

Hang yourself? You may want to after this film

Unfortunately, the story I have just told is leaps and bounds more interesting than The Visit. The premise: two kids take a trip to visit the grandparents they have never met while their Mom (the grandparents' daughter) goes off on a cruise. Their mother hasn't seen her parents since she ran away at a young age, and apparently wants so little to do with them she has never shown her children (they're 13 and 15) a picture of their grandparents...yet she has no problem sending them off on their own to meet people she loathes so much. Anyway, when the kids arrive some mildly strange things begin to happen in the country house, we see there is a mental institute in the small town near the house, and the clues add up (or are thrown directly in your face if you're paying at least a little bit of attention) as we move along. Oh yeah, and it's all recorded by the kids on their cameras (the daughter is making a documentary), so it's a found footage flick. One thing Shyamalan was known for in his heyday was interesting, jaw-dropping, and clever twists at or near the end of his films--The Visit has a twist, but is not accompanied by any of the aforementioned adjectives. This is billed as a horror/comedy, but is neither funny nor scary. The acting...ugh. I once believed I had come across the most irritating child in film history...

THIS kid

...but he has been dethroned. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the new most irritating child in film history...

Tyler the Terrible!

He raps (kind of), he whines (frequently), and he annoys all those around him (constantly). I am typically not one to mute a film, but when this kid begins to rap, it's absolute torture. I somehow survived the first time this happened...and then he did it again; I made it through four lines. Then he does it AGAIN in the credits (muted one line in). Incredibly, there is allegedly AT LEAST one deleted scene where it happens again! If this kid had any talent at this, okay, whatever, I can handle a little rap--THIS IS A 13 OR 14 YEAR OLD AUSTRALIAN BOY WITH A LISP AND NO RAPPING ABILITY AT ALL!!! It was so bad that--have you ever seen a performer of some type who was so bad at what he or she did that you felt embarrassed and uncomfortable just watching the performance? That's how I felt watching this kid attempt to rap, and M. Night makes us suffer through this repeatedly!! I was on my knees praying the grandparents would just kill the kid already to put us all out of our misery! If that's not enough, his acting is just as bad. His sister is marginally better, and the grandfather and mother are barely noticeable at all. I can, with complete sincerity, only think of two positive things to say about this film: Deanna Dunagan turns in a very impressive performance as the grandmother, and it introduced the term "sundowning" to me. I paid $1.61 to get this from Redbox, and felt cheated out of that money (thankfully I stood my ground and said no when my girlfriend insisted on seeing this in theatres). This movie made a killing in the box office, and Shyamalan no doubt made millions upon millions from it--that's fine, but hopefully tasting that success again won't result in more awfulness like this from Shayamalan in the future.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

The Visit Movie Trailer