VALLEY OF THE DRAGONS

Valley Of The Dragons Movie Review

An Irishman and a Frenchman are having a duel...this sounds like the beginning of a joke (and, as it turns out, it kinda is), but is actually the start of the 1961 film Valley of the Dragons. Before the bullets can fly, a strong wind picks up, a comet arrives, and the next thing we know, the enemies are in a strange land filled with cavemen, "dinosaurs", and hot chicks.

They're into Italians Frenchmen

This film is, in a very loose way, based on the Jules Verne story Off On A Comet, and is beyond absurd. Much of it is the modern-day man trying to communicate with the cavemen, which is as boring as it sounds. To make things even better, the men get split up, so we get not one, but two groups trying to find ways to talk to each other. The struggles the groups have are not just limited to comets, however--we also have exploding volcanoes, superimposed lizards and alligators doubling as dinosaurs, and neanderthals. 

They, for some reason, look like this

After suffering through a lot of nothing happening, the two groups do meet up to do battle with the "giant dinosaurs"--this includes poking the lizard with sticks--before an erupting volcano and some rocks finish the dinosaurs off, and we get an end scene that features the men kissing a couple of the women. There's really not a lot to see in Valley of the Dragons--thankfully, I had Svengoolie to get me through those hours. 

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

Valley Of The Dragons Movie Trailer

THE FOREST

The Forest Movie Review

Campers head for the woods for a getaway, but unbeknownst to them, terror awaits in the form of a cannibalistic woodsman. This 1982 slasher film, also know as Terror In The Woods, borrows more than just a little from Friday The 13th, of course, but also brings some original elements to the table. After an opening sequence featuring our first kills, we are introduced to the four campers--this part of the film seems to drag on forever, and the establishing shots of the road only serve to remind us how hideous cars of the late 1970s and early 1980s were. When we meet John, our killer, we're less scared and more...

This guy?!

Yes, the bad guy of this film is a bit underwhelming, but he does have a story! He went from mild mannered fella to killer as a result of his wife cheating on him, so maybe she is the real villain? But then her ghost seems to want to kill the killer, so maybe she's the good guy? Either way, she is killed by John, so at least there's some justice? To me, the real bad guy of the film is the mechanic we see ripping off the campers, and of course that bastard lives. Let's get back on track...the guys and gals going camping end up leaving at separate times, and the guys meet John in the woods and spend the night with him, unknowingly eating one of the girlfriends in the process. They hear of his story, and we find out he had kids--the kids killed themselves, and because there's not enough nonsense going on here, they are ghosts roaming the woods. 

And their voices echo

We are also treated to some of the most generic music every recorded--it reminded me of some of those releases of television shows that once featured awesome music but now have generic tunes because nobody wanted to pay for the rights to the original songs (I'm still looking at you Quantum Leap)--alas, this was indeed the music originally in this movie. Bad acting, poor dialogue, and a laughably bad ending round this one out. On the plus side, some of the shots are nice--this was filmed in Sequoia National Park, so the backdrop is beautiful at times. And if you ever wondered what would happen if two men, one holding a pitchfork and the other equipped with a bicycle, got into a fight, this movie answers that question.

HE GOT  A BITHYCLE!

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

The Forest Movie Trailer

MALEVOLENT

Malevolent Movie Review

A group of scam artists posing as paranormal investigators get more than they bargained for when they accept a job at a house that is actually haunted. Yes, we have seen this general idea in films prior, and this movie brings nothing new to this whole notion. After what seems forever, the investigators finally arrive at the haunted house, where our lead character, Angela (Florence Y'all Pugh), sees the ghosts of dead children.

Here they are now!

This movie is set in the 1980s, but other than maybe some of the equipment used, you really can't tell that, and in fact, may even forget it as you watch--I sure did. The attempt to make this point is so halfhearted that one wonders why they even set it during this time. The scares are little in this movie--that is not to say they didn't at least try, but the attempts were largely jump scares that fail to jolt. The acting is rather poor across the board--it's not the worst acting you will ever see, but it is certainly bad enough to be noticeable and distracting. The blood and gore is higher than I expected, which is nice, but they don't come from who we expect. The film goes for a twist ending, and I guess it does sort of qualify as that, but this part of the movie is as uninteresting as the rest of it. When you come across Malevolent while searching through the horror section of Netflix, just keep scrolling.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Malevolent Movie Trailer

THE FIRST PURGE (aka The Purge 4)

The First Purge Movie Review

The New Founding Fathers of America, the latest political party in the United States, can't figure out what to do about low income, crime-infested communities, and tired of paying for them to live, decide to conduct an experiment to kill them: ALL crime will be legal for one night in Staten Island, and to encourage those who live there to stay, they offer them $5,000 each...and more, depending on how much killing they do. This is the prequel film for the Purge franchise, the fourth film overall, and it continues the political nonsense set forth by the other films (particularly the second and third outings). When the good folks of Staten Island decide to party instead of kill, the government sends in professional mercenaries to kill everybody off...they are easily disposed of by professional drug deal Dmitri (Y'lan Noel).

Dmitri The Mighty

This movie gives us nothing new--it's the same tired story of poor black people being held down and killed by the evil white people we saw in the other movies, except they one-upped it here by putting some of those dastardly whites in Ku Klux Klan hoods. We get more of the "people wearing masks and doing random stuff" scenes, but this is scaled back here, traded for more gunfire...so much gunfire. Literally everything in this film plays out precisely as you expect it to. The only part of this movie that is even remotely interesting is the Isaiah character (played nicely by Joivan Wade), who, near the beginning, weighs his desire for revenge against a man who has bullied him and his want to be safe on the night of the purge. Had this been made the central story, this could have been a decent film, but this part of the story fades away--one can only hope this franchise will do the same, but The First Purge made over one hundred million dollars, so that likely won't happen...think of all the rich white people who lined their pockets with that profit! Loyal readers, know I love you--you are the only reason I subjected myself to this disaster.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

The First Purge Movie Trailer

Here are my reviews of this other three films from the series:

The Purge

The Purge: Anarchy

The Purge: Election Year

THE SILENCE

The Silence Movie Review

Blind, flesh-eating flying creatures escape from a cave and begin to terrorize Pennsylvania and the areas around it. The only way to avoid being killed by the monsters is to stay quiet--they are blind and can only stalk by hearing sounds. I know what you are thinking--this Netflix original is a direct ripoff of the 2018 box-office smash A Quiet Place. One can easily see the similarities, and I myself even commented as such as we were watching this one, but surprise! This movie is based on a book that was published in August 2015, and it actually began shooting before A Quiet Place was even released, so to say this is a poor imitation of that film is a bit misguided. Let us move beyond this. This film centers on teenager Ally Andrews (Kiernan Shipka), her father Hugh (Hollywood legend Stanley Tucci), and their family as they attempt to move from the city to a more quiet place safe haven.

We saw that

We see chaos unleashed fairly early in this film, catching our attention right off the bat, but the scares turn out to be few. The creatures, called "vesps", are impressive enough, or maybe I watched Birdemic too recently and am comparing them to the birds from that film. After a decent start, the movie kind of plods along until the family arrives at a house. Once there, our heroes come across a group of weirdos wanting to kidnap Ally, adding some tension to the film, but the resolution to that is quick and uninspired, leading to an ending that screams cliche. The occasional vesp attack and the acting chops of both Tucci and Shipka will keep you going, but don't expect too much out of this 2019 horror flick.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 5

The Silence Movie Trailer

EVEN LAMBS HAVE TEETH

Even Lambs Have Teeth Movie Review

Two girls (Kirsten Zein and Tiera Skovbye) are kidnapped and held captive on a remote farm. It is implied the girls are abused in some way (we don’t see anything actually happen), and after sudden personality changes from both, the two escape and begin to seek their revenge. Obviously drawing inspiration from films such as The Last House On The Left and I Spit On Your Grave, this 2015 film fails in every way to deliver the punch those two gave us.

Do they LOOK tortured?

We have seen many movies come along over the years that have this exact simple premise—a woman (or women) is captured, tortured, escapes, and gets revenge via violent, bloody means. This movie does not earn any points for creativity, but I’m not going to hold it against the film either. The primary issue I take with this one is it’s failure to make the two captured women sympathetic characters, or even likable ones. For a movie such as this one to work, those characters have to be ones the audience connects with—you want to make the viewer be near tears as they watch the victim being tortured so that when the revenge happens, the viewer is cheering out loud. This film doesn’t even attempt to make that connection, giving us no reason to care what is happening to them—whatever that may be, which brings me to the next problem. The time between when the women are captured and when they  escape is very rushed, and we don’t really see anything even happen to them. This is unfortunate in that the film seems to have potential right up to this point—from the time they plan their escape, the movie goes down hill fast, and it somehow manages to get worse with every scene. We see the gals enter a hardware store to gather up their tools for revenge, and the movie becomes almost a parody of itself at that point. The remainder of the film is so uninteresting it’s actually difficult to sit through—mercifully, Even Lambs Have Teeth is only 80 minutes long, so you’ll make it.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 4

Even Lambs Have Teeth Movie Trailer