Friday, December 16, 2016

THE VATICAN TAPES

The Vatican Tapes Movie Review

Imagine you have watched every possession movie ever made and decide to take the most over used scenes and ridiculous clich├ęs from said movies and cram them into a Bugs Bunny people cooking pot. You then gather up some of the worst actors you can find and throw them in as well. You top it off with a dash of really bad CGI and a pinch (or punch) of found footage scenes, stir it all up, dump it into a machine that transforms it all to film, and run it through a projector (or turns it digital...whatever)--the result would be The Vatican Tapes. There's a woman, played by Olivia Taylor Dudley--

No relation to these guys...I don't think

--she gets possessed. She makes strange sounds, weird faces, and kills people around her. She has a dad, played by Dougray Scott, the worst actor in a sea of many in this film--he will annoy you every time he appears. She has a boyfriend, played by John Patrick Amedori--he's just sort of there. We have our Ahab, the Cardinal Bruun, and we have soldier turned Priest, Father Oscar Lozano, played by this guy...

Questionable...

Oh yeah, and this guy...


Mbonga!

...is also here, but for a tragically brief time. Notwithstanding a fairly decent opening scene, little to nothing happens for the first hour--we then get the obligatory exorcism, which is either interesting, or the hour leading up to it is so dull it seems interesting by comparison. We then fall back into sleep-inducing mediocrity before arriving at the ending, which is mildly entertaining but, unfortunately, promises a sequel. While borrowing from many films, the most obvious ripoff here is from Stigmata...this, dear readers, is no Stigmata. The world offers an endless supply of fun things to do on a Friday evening--alas, I spent mine watching this movie.

On A Scale Of One To Ten: 3

The Vatican Tapes Movie Trailer

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